Good morning! We’ve got a short week this week, and I’m making the most of it by subjecting you to some really silly stuff. Don’t make that face; it’ll be fun. We’re starting out with what used to be a couple of humble little economy hatchbacks – but now they are both more and less than that.
We stayed nice and sensible last week, looking for a good cheap used car for a friend. Our four finalists on Friday offered a good range of options, but one choice really stood out: that super-clean Subaru Outback. As I expected, it ran away with the vote, with Your Father’s Father’s Oldsmobile taking a distant second.
I think that’s the right call, assuming the Subaru checks out mechanically. Finding a car that nice for that cheap is hard to do these days, and I think it’s worth spending a weekend teaching someone how to drive a manual. It’s a car that will inspire its next owner to take care of it, unlike a typical beat-up inexpensive car that is easy to neglect.
Now then: Get ready, because this week we’re going to look at some absolutely ridiculous crap. Why not? Who’s gonna stop me? Have you seen the sorts of cars that my co-workers spend actual money on? Ridiculous crap is what we do here. The mission I’m giving myself this week is to find cars even more ridiculous than those, and force you to choose between them. Heh heh heh. (I feel like I should grow a mustache so I can twirl it.) We’re starting out with two little hatchbacks that have either seen better days, or are halfway to a glorious new existence, depending on your perspective. Here they are.
1982 Pontiac T1000 – $2,000
Engine/drivetrain: 4.3-liter OHV V6, three-speed automatic, RWD
Location: Cleburne, TX
Odometer reading: unknown
Operational status: Unfinished, runs, or possibly ran, and now needs some wiring work
We haven’t had nearly enough opportunities here to celebrate GM’s T platform. Sold all over the world, in dozens of variations, this little rear-wheel-drive wonder was obsolete from day one, compared to FWD competitors like the Fiat 128 and VW Rabbit, but it sold like hotcakes – mostly because it was cheap. Here we have Pontiac’s take on the T-car, a badge-engineered Chevy Chevette called the T1000.
The original Chevette and T1000 featured a 1.6-liter engine producing approximately nine and a half horsepower, or at least that’s what it felt like. Lots of different engines have been shoehorned into these things over the years; this one has a 4.3-liter V6 out of a Chevy truck. It’s at least triple the horsepower and probably quadruple the torque of the original engine, so it should improve acceleration quite a bit. It looks like this T1000 was originally a manual; I think I see a clutch pedal in one of the interior shots, but it now sports a Turbo-Hydramatic 350 automatic. There’s a brief video of it running and driving in the ad, but it sounds like it’s currently in need of some wiring work. Despite the power upgrade, it uses the stock Chevette rear axle, which may well prove to be the weak link in the drivetrain once it’s all up and running.
The interior looks pretty good, actually; the vinyl seats are nice, and the dashboard only has a couple of cracks. It has an aftermarket steering wheel and a Lokar shifter for the TH350 coming up through the stock center console.
It’s really clean outside, too. I maybe shouldn’t admit this, but I’ve always kind of liked the styling of the two-door Chevette and T1000. This one has wide tires on it to try to harness the power, and the rear end is jacked up just a little bit for clearance. Obviously, the big engine won’t fit under the stock hood, especially with those ridiculous exhaust pipes sticking out, so it has been removed. That’s good; if you wanted to ditch the truck engine and put something more refined in it – I’m thinking an Ecotec four and a five-speed manual – you can just put the hood back on.
1997 Honda Civic – $2,600
Engine/drivetrain: 1.6-liter OHC inline 4, five-speed manual, FWD
Location: Encinitas, CA
Odometer reading: 237,000 miles
Operational status: Unknown, but it is registered, so it probably runs?
The Honda Civic hatchback was, of course, the darling of the 1990s and 2000s tuner scene, and with good reason. It’s a tough and reliable car in stock form, it handles well, and it easily accepts parts from other Honda models to add more power. The aftermarket picked up where stock Honda parts left off, and allowed builders to make their Civics as wild or mild as they wanted to. The heyday of modified Civics has come and gone, but like other commonly hot-rodded cars, there are still plenty of examples around if you want one.
This sixth-generation Civic has been modified six ways from Sunday, but strangely, it looks like the engine is original. Or at least, it’s a D16 four-cylinder of some sort. The seller rattled off every other modification done to it, and said nothing about the engine, which leads me to believe it’s essentially the stock engine. They don’t tell us whether or not it’s drivable, but it is currently registered, which means it probably runs and drives. But don’t quote me on that.
Inside, it has some serious-looking racing harnesses and, appropriately, seats that appear to be fifty shades of gray. (I’m really curious to see if that joke makes it through.) Most of the rest of the interior is still intact, except for the center console, but none of it is in very good shape. This is not a first-date car, let’s put it that way.
It’s hideous outside; there’s no other word for it. The paint is terrible, the trim is falling off, and it has a broken left rear quarter window. This brings up an interesting question, however: If each sticker on a car’s windows adds five horsepower, do those extra ponies go away if the window those stickers are affixed to gets broken?
One thing to keep in mind for this week: “Neither” is not an option. For every comment of “ugh, neither” I see, I will add a vote at random to one car or the other. In other words, if you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice. You don’t have to actually buy one. But be a good sport, exercise your free will, and play the game.
T1000. Its clean so ditch the iron 4.3 and start fresh.
Civic! Never T-1000 (Skynet is coming for us all! We were warned about Artificial Stupidity) Even though I love and miss Pontiac, that was basically their worst car and one of the worst cars ever made.
THANK YOU Mark, for taking us back to Autopian roots. It’s called Shitbox Showdown for a reason. I’ll never understand not voting, and wouldn’t want to understand that! Most of the time, the instant I see the cars I go w/ my gut based on personal preferences (or when it’s a different scenario) and then go from there weighing all the options of what I like better (like we all do!) It’s all just for fun which is the main thing. It’s definitely a highlight of the day
Badge-engineering or no, Pontiacs rule, and I see the vision for the
AcadianT1000.We’ll take the T-car.
At least the Honda should pass smog. The Pontiac cannot – a truck engine in a car. The Ecotec and 5 speed, though, that’s a better choice.
Related: I did my driver’s training in an automatic Chevette. It was horrible in every way. And downright dangerous in LA freeway traffic. Literally every shit car I have driven since has been an improvement.
Neither is an option, because both have been ruined. The Chevette would kill you with monoxide poisoning, and the Honda engine is likely thrashed and worn out. Both are the victims of way too many doubtful modifications.
This is like having to choose between getting kicked in the groin with steel-toed boots or getting hit in the groin with a baseball bat.
Neither – they are both “mal paridos”.
T1000 because it looks good on the NASCAR-ish steelies
Eh, what does a window cost? Love the Student Driver sticker. And in college, I lived just down the road in Del Mar. So, Honda. I guess.
Inflation… I got a mint Peugeot 504 for $1500 in 1977. Far younger. Far fewer miles. Far better shape. It even had a hood.
Truly this edition of Shitbox Showdown is the Sophie’s Choice of which cousin to hit on at the family reunion. After the cute cousins are gone.
Don’t let this distract you from the fact that Hector is going to be running three Honda civics with Spoon engines, and on top of that, he just went into Harry’s and bought three t66 turbos with Nos, and a Motec exhaust system.
I voted for the T1000 for one reason it’s $600 cheaper. I think the $2000 asking is about what you could get for one new. I love a good manual Honda Civic but this is beyond thunder dome and the owner wants paid for his mistakes.