Good morning! We’ve got a short week this week, and I’m making the most of it by subjecting you to some really silly stuff. Don’t make that face; it’ll be fun. We’re starting out with what used to be a couple of humble little economy hatchbacks – but now they are both more and less than that.
We stayed nice and sensible last week, looking for a good cheap used car for a friend. Our four finalists on Friday offered a good range of options, but one choice really stood out: that super-clean Subaru Outback. As I expected, it ran away with the vote, with Your Father’s Father’s Oldsmobile taking a distant second.


I think that’s the right call, assuming the Subaru checks out mechanically. Finding a car that nice for that cheap is hard to do these days, and I think it’s worth spending a weekend teaching someone how to drive a manual. It’s a car that will inspire its next owner to take care of it, unlike a typical beat-up inexpensive car that is easy to neglect.
Now then: Get ready, because this week we’re going to look at some absolutely ridiculous crap. Why not? Who’s gonna stop me? Have you seen the sorts of cars that my co-workers spend actual money on? Ridiculous crap is what we do here. The mission I’m giving myself this week is to find cars even more ridiculous than those, and force you to choose between them. Heh heh heh. (I feel like I should grow a mustache so I can twirl it.) We’re starting out with two little hatchbacks that have either seen better days, or are halfway to a glorious new existence, depending on your perspective. Here they are.
1982 Pontiac T1000 – $2,000

Engine/drivetrain: 4.3-liter OHV V6, three-speed automatic, RWD
Location: Cleburne, TX
Odometer reading: unknown
Operational status: Unfinished, runs, or possibly ran, and now needs some wiring work
We haven’t had nearly enough opportunities here to celebrate GM’s T platform. Sold all over the world, in dozens of variations, this little rear-wheel-drive wonder was obsolete from day one, compared to FWD competitors like the Fiat 128 and VW Rabbit, but it sold like hotcakes – mostly because it was cheap. Here we have Pontiac’s take on the T-car, a badge-engineered Chevy Chevette called the T1000.

The original Chevette and T1000 featured a 1.6-liter engine producing approximately nine and a half horsepower, or at least that’s what it felt like. Lots of different engines have been shoehorned into these things over the years; this one has a 4.3-liter V6 out of a Chevy truck. It’s at least triple the horsepower and probably quadruple the torque of the original engine, so it should improve acceleration quite a bit. It looks like this T1000 was originally a manual; I think I see a clutch pedal in one of the interior shots, but it now sports a Turbo-Hydramatic 350 automatic. There’s a brief video of it running and driving in the ad, but it sounds like it’s currently in need of some wiring work. Despite the power upgrade, it uses the stock Chevette rear axle, which may well prove to be the weak link in the drivetrain once it’s all up and running.

The interior looks pretty good, actually; the vinyl seats are nice, and the dashboard only has a couple of cracks. It has an aftermarket steering wheel and a Lokar shifter for the TH350 coming up through the stock center console.

It’s really clean outside, too. I maybe shouldn’t admit this, but I’ve always kind of liked the styling of the two-door Chevette and T1000. This one has wide tires on it to try to harness the power, and the rear end is jacked up just a little bit for clearance. Obviously, the big engine won’t fit under the stock hood, especially with those ridiculous exhaust pipes sticking out, so it has been removed. That’s good; if you wanted to ditch the truck engine and put something more refined in it – I’m thinking an Ecotec four and a five-speed manual – you can just put the hood back on.
1997 Honda Civic – $2,600

Engine/drivetrain: 1.6-liter OHC inline 4, five-speed manual, FWD
Location: Encinitas, CA
Odometer reading: 237,000 miles
Operational status: Unknown, but it is registered, so it probably runs?
The Honda Civic hatchback was, of course, the darling of the 1990s and 2000s tuner scene, and with good reason. It’s a tough and reliable car in stock form, it handles well, and it easily accepts parts from other Honda models to add more power. The aftermarket picked up where stock Honda parts left off, and allowed builders to make their Civics as wild or mild as they wanted to. The heyday of modified Civics has come and gone, but like other commonly hot-rodded cars, there are still plenty of examples around if you want one.

This sixth-generation Civic has been modified six ways from Sunday, but strangely, it looks like the engine is original. Or at least, it’s a D16 four-cylinder of some sort. The seller rattled off every other modification done to it, and said nothing about the engine, which leads me to believe it’s essentially the stock engine. They don’t tell us whether or not it’s drivable, but it is currently registered, which means it probably runs and drives. But don’t quote me on that.

Inside, it has some serious-looking racing harnesses and, appropriately, seats that appear to be fifty shades of gray. (I’m really curious to see if that joke makes it through.) Most of the rest of the interior is still intact, except for the center console, but none of it is in very good shape. This is not a first-date car, let’s put it that way.

It’s hideous outside; there’s no other word for it. The paint is terrible, the trim is falling off, and it has a broken left rear quarter window. This brings up an interesting question, however: If each sticker on a car’s windows adds five horsepower, do those extra ponies go away if the window those stickers are affixed to gets broken?
One thing to keep in mind for this week: “Neither” is not an option. For every comment of “ugh, neither” I see, I will add a vote at random to one car or the other. In other words, if you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice. You don’t have to actually buy one. But be a good sport, exercise your free will, and play the game.
I guess the Poncho, since at least it’s clean, but maybe ditch the 4.3 for me, find a zingy four banger and make it stick again. There’s enough of these, Pintos, and Vegas turned into drag cars. The world I’ll needs another. Would rather make a Vauxhall Chevette HS type of car.
The Civic would be appealing at $500 for a Lemons car, or maybe as a body-in-white for an amateur race car, but even then the asking price is too much.
Civic.. only because I want to strip it down and make it into a track rat.
The Pontiac is kind of cool, but not my thing.
$2k for a probably rust-free EK shell isn’t that terrible. You could probably part out whatever you don’t need any make your money back, too. If you’re looking to build one of these cars you could do worse as a starting point.
You posted right before I started my reply.. but my thoughts exactly.
There’s something so endearing about the Honda having racing stickers, racing seats, all those mods and they’re topped off with a Student Driver sticker. It’s perfect. I mean, it’s not endearing enough to vote for it or anything, I’m not a total idiot, but I would probably smile at it was hauled past me on a tow truck
I’m normally someone to always vote for a Honda, but the Pontiac actually has potential, while Civic should just go straight to a junkyard.
Pontiac. Non-running status typically keeps me away but that Civic is BEAT.
Those headers on the T1000 are begging for some Chinese eBay turbos. Nobody is commuting to work in either of these shit-heaps, so if you’re gonna go stupid, you might as well go all the way and really stupid it up.
The Pontiac is hilarious, plus it’s a Pontiac, so there you go.
The Pontiac is cheaper, has a better interior, and if you squint there is potential.
I considered buying exactly 1 non-racecar with harnesses installed, it was a pre-shoulder belt Fiat 124 that the previous owner thought would be safer with something other than lap belts, but retrofitting shoulder belts/finding parts was troublesome. Anyway I never considered how restrictive a harness is, it makes sense, but I took for granted things like being able to reach the glove box. I still liked the Fiat and wish I had bought it at the time, but a Civic with a stock engine and harness is a hard no from me.
Wow, epically shitty choices.
T1000 at least has character and simple mechanicals where the Civic could have been nice but looks like it’s been passed around as a first car to a series of teenagers.
……I just…..can’t ( ⚆ _ ⚆ ) Honestly, I would not take either one, even one if you offered to give it to me for free!
I’m going Vette, find a cheap rear end for it, probably a v6 Blazer/S10 axle, put a proper exhaust on it, then swap in a supercharged 3800 when I get bored. I can fiddle with making it hook, and then handle while I’m daydreaming about the engine swap.
With Regard To the Civic, I’ve already got one, in fact I have two. This example is way too beat up for rescue and I’m not paying three times scrap value for something not even suitable as a parts car. Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time!
Stock D16? Cheap off-brand parts at every turn? Banged-up body? That Civic isn’t even a good project car base. I’ll take the sketchy Pontiac.
I took the Pontiac, the extra 600$ is enough alcohol to forget I had to choose it over a civic.
I went with the Civic. At least it’s a manual. That’s…all I got. Hopefully replacement quarter windows are relatively cheap.
Extra points awarded for the “Freewill” reference.
Neither is all that desirable in their current state. I went with the Che…T1000 because it looks more honest than the Civic. I’d pull that engine out and find a 2L and 6spd from a Sky/Solstice for it. Less weight, more power. Put decent suspension and brakes under it and a better rear end and have a sleeper no one expects or wants.
the Pontiac Chevette that will either not be able to stop or possibly not go makes more sense to me – and that’s testament to where we’re at today.
OK fine, give me the Chevette and I’ll find a Syclone/Typhoon turbo motor to replace what I’m sure is a taxicab-grade 4.3.
I will use the T1000 to push that Civic into a giant vat of molten steel.
Civic.
Parts are plentiful and cheap.
And, if you give up, you can always part it out for more than you paid for it.
I learned to drive in a Chevette Scooter. In red, naturally.
Excited to see what the “week of no right answers” brings, but also happy it’s a short week.
I was prepared to vote for the Civic but it looks like it is ready to be lowered into the grave that the Pontiac was just dug out of.
Give me the T1000 with the new lease on life, not the Civic on its last legs.
I voted for the T1000. If it had a proper exhaust system, and the Buick 3800 (aka God’s engine) it would be perfect.