Good morning! We’ve got a short week this week, and I’m making the most of it by subjecting you to some really silly stuff. Don’t make that face; it’ll be fun. We’re starting out with what used to be a couple of humble little economy hatchbacks – but now they are both more and less than that.
We stayed nice and sensible last week, looking for a good cheap used car for a friend. Our four finalists on Friday offered a good range of options, but one choice really stood out: that super-clean Subaru Outback. As I expected, it ran away with the vote, with Your Father’s Father’s Oldsmobile taking a distant second.
I think that’s the right call, assuming the Subaru checks out mechanically. Finding a car that nice for that cheap is hard to do these days, and I think it’s worth spending a weekend teaching someone how to drive a manual. It’s a car that will inspire its next owner to take care of it, unlike a typical beat-up inexpensive car that is easy to neglect.
Now then: Get ready, because this week we’re going to look at some absolutely ridiculous crap. Why not? Who’s gonna stop me? Have you seen the sorts of cars that my co-workers spend actual money on? Ridiculous crap is what we do here. The mission I’m giving myself this week is to find cars even more ridiculous than those, and force you to choose between them. Heh heh heh. (I feel like I should grow a mustache so I can twirl it.) We’re starting out with two little hatchbacks that have either seen better days, or are halfway to a glorious new existence, depending on your perspective. Here they are.
1982 Pontiac T1000 – $2,000
Engine/drivetrain: 4.3-liter OHV V6, three-speed automatic, RWD
Location: Cleburne, TX
Odometer reading: unknown
Operational status: Unfinished, runs, or possibly ran, and now needs some wiring work
We haven’t had nearly enough opportunities here to celebrate GM’s T platform. Sold all over the world, in dozens of variations, this little rear-wheel-drive wonder was obsolete from day one, compared to FWD competitors like the Fiat 128 and VW Rabbit, but it sold like hotcakes – mostly because it was cheap. Here we have Pontiac’s take on the T-car, a badge-engineered Chevy Chevette called the T1000.
The original Chevette and T1000 featured a 1.6-liter engine producing approximately nine and a half horsepower, or at least that’s what it felt like. Lots of different engines have been shoehorned into these things over the years; this one has a 4.3-liter V6 out of a Chevy truck. It’s at least triple the horsepower and probably quadruple the torque of the original engine, so it should improve acceleration quite a bit. It looks like this T1000 was originally a manual; I think I see a clutch pedal in one of the interior shots, but it now sports a Turbo-Hydramatic 350 automatic. There’s a brief video of it running and driving in the ad, but it sounds like it’s currently in need of some wiring work. Despite the power upgrade, it uses the stock Chevette rear axle, which may well prove to be the weak link in the drivetrain once it’s all up and running.
The interior looks pretty good, actually; the vinyl seats are nice, and the dashboard only has a couple of cracks. It has an aftermarket steering wheel and a Lokar shifter for the TH350 coming up through the stock center console.
It’s really clean outside, too. I maybe shouldn’t admit this, but I’ve always kind of liked the styling of the two-door Chevette and T1000. This one has wide tires on it to try to harness the power, and the rear end is jacked up just a little bit for clearance. Obviously, the big engine won’t fit under the stock hood, especially with those ridiculous exhaust pipes sticking out, so it has been removed. That’s good; if you wanted to ditch the truck engine and put something more refined in it – I’m thinking an Ecotec four and a five-speed manual – you can just put the hood back on.
1997 Honda Civic – $2,600
Engine/drivetrain: 1.6-liter OHC inline 4, five-speed manual, FWD
Location: Encinitas, CA
Odometer reading: 237,000 miles
Operational status: Unknown, but it is registered, so it probably runs?
The Honda Civic hatchback was, of course, the darling of the 1990s and 2000s tuner scene, and with good reason. It’s a tough and reliable car in stock form, it handles well, and it easily accepts parts from other Honda models to add more power. The aftermarket picked up where stock Honda parts left off, and allowed builders to make their Civics as wild or mild as they wanted to. The heyday of modified Civics has come and gone, but like other commonly hot-rodded cars, there are still plenty of examples around if you want one.
This sixth-generation Civic has been modified six ways from Sunday, but strangely, it looks like the engine is original. Or at least, it’s a D16 four-cylinder of some sort. The seller rattled off every other modification done to it, and said nothing about the engine, which leads me to believe it’s essentially the stock engine. They don’t tell us whether or not it’s drivable, but it is currently registered, which means it probably runs and drives. But don’t quote me on that.
Inside, it has some serious-looking racing harnesses and, appropriately, seats that appear to be fifty shades of gray. (I’m really curious to see if that joke makes it through.) Most of the rest of the interior is still intact, except for the center console, but none of it is in very good shape. This is not a first-date car, let’s put it that way.
It’s hideous outside; there’s no other word for it. The paint is terrible, the trim is falling off, and it has a broken left rear quarter window. This brings up an interesting question, however: If each sticker on a car’s windows adds five horsepower, do those extra ponies go away if the window those stickers are affixed to gets broken?
One thing to keep in mind for this week: “Neither” is not an option. For every comment of “ugh, neither” I see, I will add a vote at random to one car or the other. In other words, if you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice. You don’t have to actually buy one. But be a good sport, exercise your free will, and play the game.
Today’ Shitbox Showdown: Would you rather have Syphilis for $2000 or Gonorrea for $2600?
Ugh, I guess I’ll take the Pontiac in the (probably vain) hope I can unbolt the headers, turn them around and make a marginally more proper exhaust system out of dryer vent hose or something.
I genuinely chucked at your comment, COTD?
Well this just got me too thinking biblical for a comparison a Sisophian task to rebuild the T1000 or a Gamora ending in the Honda.
I so want to sing Go Go Gonorrhea but I voted for the T1000. What model was the Schwartzinegger Terminator again? I bet anyone could defeat this T1000
Flipped a coin and it landed on t1000.
You may choose the Civic, but that T1000 is out there! It can’t be bargained with. It can’t be reasoned with. It doesn’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop… ever, until you are dead!
It’s definitely looking better than Peacemaker’s dad.
The last shot of the civic shows it with its hood up directly behind a truck with the ramp down…as if it’s about to be hauled somewhere, or was recently hauled. That doesn’t look promising. I’ll take the Pontiac. At the very least, you could get it running and driving and probably sell it for more than you paid for it.
I’m going with the T-Vette, only because I ALSO like the two-door Chevette (I prefer the pre-80 taillights though) and think this could be fun.
I don’t doubt that the rear axle will probably detonate the first time it actually hooks up, but I think it could be a fun, stupid, project. I’m getting Roadkill Rotsun vibes.
That Civic just screams vape juice and soy sauce though.
That T1000 may be the worst car I’ve ever voted for. Yet somehow the Civic seems even more irredeemable. If the Pontiac wins, you need to put it up against a T100.
The civic is in CA so it’s hard to do anything real to an engine and remain smog compliant using wish.com parts so it’s probably stock (and they spent all their money on look fast parts).
Most appropriate accessory for this Honda is those fake bullet hole stickers. Although you probably have actual bullet holes so it would be a waste
*Opens Uber app to order Thai food delivery*
Neither.
The Chevette needs a big ass turbocharger.
I grew up digging Civics of that era, especially hatchbacks, I also remember the Honda tax. $2600 Is still pretty cheap for a running EK hatchback. Add in the broken rear window and it just screams “THIS WAS STOLEN”
I went with the Pontiac. Yeah I don’t like it now all. But if it still has the pedal setup for a manual I’d ditch the TH350 and get a T-5. Remember the Fiero mostly used Chevette bits up until ’88, so upgrades are there. And its got a solid rear axle, finding something more beefy like at least an 8″ or 8.8″ from Ford and adapting isn’t horribly out of the question. Basset wheels with some sticky rubber I’d take it to a track day or autocross it.
Nah I’m thinking a thief broke in saw the condition and said no thanks
Great Rush reference!
Yikes. I reluctantly voted for the Civic. A lot of things make me nervous about this vehicle, but it could be a fun as a cheap, expendable track car.
I am mostly confused by the Pontiac. I have no idea why someone wants an ugly brown ’80s American shitbox with a straight pipe V6. The original ad includes a video of it running – it sounds so bad I couldn’t make it through the entire 11 second clip. I also presume the engine bay exhaust exit makes the passenger compartment smell like fumes (incidentally, I hope that this thing has a CO detector). The seats also look uncomfortable. In summary, I don’t think I could stand looking at this car, listening to this car, smelling this car, or sitting in this car. In a way, it is kind of impressive someone built a car that is offensive to four of the five human senses. Well done, I guess?
I’m sure it goes five for five senses. The exhaust probably smells so bad you can taste it.
Yeah, I would tune/turbo/swap the engine in the Civic and make it live up to those seats/belts and track it. There is NOTHING redeemable about that Pontiac. I am truly flabbergasted the voting is this close.
Why someone wants it? The only other option is a Civic with leprosy
I don’t understand the shot of the T1000 with the hood in place. Is this right after he finished it? I can picture it now… beaming with pride, he takes a picture of his (somewhat) completed pride and joy, and closes the hood with a sense of satisfaction only to be denied the sweet, sweet sense of completion by the clang of the hood contacting the Wacky Racer exhaust pipes. Muttering to himself, he carefully cuts holes to clear them, thinking about how sweet it’s gonna look with those badass pipes sticking out and the twin trails of soot down the hood… just like a P51 Mustang! Bitchin’! He lowers the hood, poised to declare victory, only to hear the thud of the hood contacting the intake plenum. Finally, in defeat, he tosses the hood and puts the constant reminder of his failure up for sale. Hopefully someone buys it so he can go on with his life and buy this sweet, sweet Civic he saw on Craigslist… all it needs is a motor. Maybe a Northstar V8?
Sounds completely correct
There are some continuity errors in the T1000’s photos.
First one without the absurd exhaust piping anywhere to be seen.
One with the hood that’d never close.
And the interior photo, again, without the exhaust pipes in the engine bay.
The photos that show the stupid exhaust are pristine & clean – not even heat affected. As though that engine’s never been fired up.
This is poetry
The Pontiac begs to be taken and have even more stupid things done to it, but doing stupid things in the Civic is bound to be easier as there’s probably still more aftermarket support. Surely someone has a couple of leftover Spoon engines tucked away in a warehouse somewhere…
Had to go Honda. That Civic is something I could actually make into a fun car to drive and the aftermarket support is way better.
I can’t laughing about that Civic. Strap yourself in a 5 point harness to log a 16 second 1/4 mile time.
I can only imagine how loud that T1000 is. No thanks.
I have zero interest in the Honda, So I took the Pontiac, even though it’s probably a nightmare project.
I will take the T1000, because I am a big fan of Robert Patrick’s performance as this car.
I would do something REAL stupid with that Pontiac.
GIMME!!!
Civic for the price. Those are still a thing around me. So there will be someone willing to take the mods off. Or Lemons racer. Maybe in the running for Index of Effluency?
Honda all the way. There are enough findable parts and aftermarket support to make it drivable.
Both are cheap enough if they blew up tomorrow I could walk away after collecting scrap $ from the yard.
I want to like the ‘Vette clone, maybe if it was at least a running thing. I’m scared of what the kid’s done to the Civic, but I have a friend that owns a garage and knows Hondas, he could help me figure it out at least.
NRG steering wheel and a hood-dump exhaust? Not to mention no power steering or brakes, doesn’t seem to actually run without more modification, and needs a “transmission dip stip mounted.” You couldn’t pay me to drive that thing. Civic all day.
both make it hard to keep down breakfast, but Civic, with enough time effort and money, it can be stock-ish again… and they are great drives. that T1000 is a woeful little shitbox no matter whats under the hood.
Is it just me or are both ridiculously overpriced for “cars” who may or may not move under their own steam? I’ll pass today. Where I am sitting I can get shitboxes that recently passed Austrian annual inspection (pretty much the same as in Germany) at that price.
You can choose from phantom fears and kindness that can kill. One random vote.BTW, I agree entirely about the price