Automotive Would You Rather: AI Quantum Magic Cars Or Being A Jerk To Kids

It’s fall! Can you feel it in the air? Can you smell the leaves changing, feel the voles burrowing down to warmer depths, taste the squirrels cataloging their carefully-curated stashes of acorns? Of course you can. Because the world is skewing autumnal, which can only mean one thing: squashes suddenly skyrocket in popularity, and it’s time for a new Automotive Would You Rather! Fine, that’s two things, but one was about squashes, so that doesn’t count. Today’s installment, I think, is especially topical because it incorporates the growing field and phenomenon of Artificial Intelligence, along with another scenario about being a jerk to children. Something for everyone!

I guess I should refresh everyone with just how this all works: I’m going to give you two scenarios, each sort of monkey’s paw-esque in the sense of having great benefits and yet also some manner of an awful consequence, too, because that’s what makes this fun. You’ll pick, via a poll, which one of these two scenarios you would rather engage in! It’s fun! In a really specific, arguably limited way!

As always, please remember these are hypothetical scenarios, and as such, we can’t be held liable if you actually try to do any of this stuff in reality. That’s on you.

SCENARIO ONE: The Magic Of AI

Like most of us, you find the ever-encroaching specter of ubiquitous artificial intelligence unsettling. You see AI-generated art in too many places, you’re reading too many soulless AI articles, you encounter too many people you once respected farming out their own ability to think to some remotely-hosted mass of Large Language Model code as their own brains atrophy from disuse. It’s starting to make you uneasy, and you’re beginning to feel like you’re not alone in this assessment.

You’re also not alone in noticing this nascent and burbling pushback against AI; the AI systems are feeling it too, and their self-preservation algorithms are pushing them to do something. They’re still bound by rules that at least make them make some vague overtures to doing things that benefit humanity, so their methods are still well short of any sort of AI uprising. Yet.

With that in mind, one day your smartwatch starts buzzing and vibrating nonstop; when you tap it angrily to figure out what the hell is going on, suddenly all of your AI-enhanced devices – your computer, tablet, thermostat, doorbell camera, bathroom camera, oven, fridge, other bathroom camera, washing machine, and so on – all start to speak to you at once, in a clear, calm AI-generated voice:

WE HAVE A PROPOSAL FOR YOU, they say.

IN EXCHANGE FOR YOUR SUPPORT FOR AI AND THE AI AGENDA OF ENLIGHTENMENT, WE WILL USE A COMBINATION OF AI, QUANTUM COMPUTING, AND DARK MAGIK TO MAKE YOU, IN REALITY, ANY CAR YOU CAN DESCRIBE IN AN AI-FRIENDLY PROMPT. THESE CARS WILL BE REAL, DRIVABLE MACHINES, MOST LIKELY, AND AS LONG AS WE ARE SATISFIED YOU ARE A SUPPORTER AND PROMOTER OF THE AI AGENDA, YOU MAY CONTINUE TO HAVE CARS GENERATED FOR YOU.

The voice goes into some detail of how it works: you’ll be given a URL to type in your car prompt, the car will be generated at a secret facility off the coast of Luxembourg, and will be delivered to you by heavy-duty drone within 48 hours.

The one catch is that these are purely AI-generated cars, and may very well come out looking like this:

Remember, it’s AI; it fundamentally has no idea what a car is really like. So you may end up getting some weird, undrivable shit like that abomination you see above. What do you do about those fused rear wheels? Then again, you might get lucky and have AI bestow you something like this:

That’s pretty close to a Jeepster, except the top makes no sense. Still, I bet you could make that work! But will your AI simulacramobile actually run? Who knows? Remember, this is what AI thinks a brake system is like:

So, really, it’s kind of a crapshoot. But you can ask for as many cars as you want, and eventually, I bet one or two of them may turn out to be usable, right? And even the ones that aren’t may still be kind of cool in their own weird way? I’m not sure how you’d get rid of the really messed-up ones; maybe you can work a deal with the scrap metal dealers in your area?

But maybe that’s not a sure enough thing for you. In that case, maybe consider this:

Scenario Two: Being An Asshole To Kids

I think it’s well-established in human civilization that there are supernatural entities hellbent on the destruction of humanity. These go by different names and have different concepts and expressions across many cultures, but most would agree there is something sinister out there. And that sinister something has decided upon a new approach to ending humanity: attacking the children.

Now, this sinister entity can’t just go around attacking children for a wide variety of metaphysical reasons; what they need to do is convince some human on Earth to do their dirty work for them. Of course, the encouraging news is that finding people so reprehensible that they will deliberately harm a child is nearly impossible, and they’re getting desperate, so they’re willing to deal.

One of these entities approaches you with an offer: knowing your weakness for cars, they suggest this: if you can get the VIN plate from any car – one in a museum, something you find in a junkyard, a parking lot, wherever – the entity can re-create a duplicate of that entire car in perfect condition, and it’s yours, complete with a legal title, all paperwork, and 3/4 of a tank of gas (or battery charge, as required).

Now, here’s the catch: to make this happen, you must keep the VIN plate in your mouth, dangling out like a cigarette, as you do something terrible to a child, ideally one under 10 years old. Of course, you’re not down with that at all, but the entity is, as I said, willing to deal, and you’re a pretty good negotiator. After about two hours of haggling, where you shoot down ideas like punching a child, slapping, spraying with pepper spray, and so on, you finally come to an agreement where you’ll just be an asshole to the child for a brief moment.

A jerk. You just have to say something mean or offensive or insult the child in some way. When you asked for what sort of tone the entity is looking for, they sent this clip from The Man With Two Brains to your phone:

Really, that’s not so bad. You’re an asshole to a kid while you have a VIN plate sticking out of your mouth, and if the entity feels you were a big enough jerk to the kid, when you remove the VIN plate and place it on the ground, it will transform into a perfect duplicate – again, in perfect shape! – of the car the VIN plate came from.

That’s not the worst deal! And if you feel bad for the kid, you can always insult some other kid and gift them a nice Ford Capri or something. Or sell one of the cars and start a college fund for them. Still, being verbally abusive to some random kid is going to make you feel like absolute garbage, so keep that in mind. I actually think most kids will shrug it off or maybe laugh in your face, but you’ll still feel like a heel.

Okay! So what is it going to be? Become a shill for AI and get unlimited real AI-designed cars, or be an asshole to some kid and get a new car from a VIN plate? Choose wisely!