I’ve been out of town for about two weeks straight and I’m not gonna lie, I have a big stack of un-written content looming over me like a towering mountain of, um, non-written content? This is a good problem in many ways, in that it means I have interesting things to share with all of you, my favorite people I mostly never actually see. And yet, somehow, instead of getting on all that, here I am banging out another Automotive Would You Rather. Why? Well, perhaps it’s because these have been praised as being “just dumb” by at least one commenter, and I can’t let them down. Not now, not ever. So, with that in mind, let’s leap boldly into the kiddie pool filled with chili that is a genuine Autopian Automotive Would You Rather!
SCENARIO ONE:
Your shitbox leaves you stranded by the side of the road yet again, this time somehow improbably with what sure looks like a leaky belt. You can’t even figure out the physics behind it: somehow the belt seems to be leaking this gooey ichor all over the pulleys, and it’s causing the belt to slip wildly, preventing your engine from actually doing anything useful.
Some of that black, gooey fluid drips onto your forehead as you’re under the car, and the shock of the strangely warm fluid causes you to bolt upright, slamming your forehead against some part under there. The impact happened right at a place where the carmaker’s logo – in this case, the Yugo “Y” – was stamped, and the impact made a sort of logo tattoo on your forehead.
Then, amid a series of noises that sounded like an entire brewery was launched into a stampede of aluminum hippos, you look to see your Yugo repairing itself, parts sliding into place, dents loudly popping out, plastics re-materializing, wiring regrowing, and more. In moments you’re looking at a perfect, new version of your old shitbox, only now just box, because it is shitty no more.
Amazed, you wipe your hand across your forehead, wiping off your belt-juice logo tattoo, and in doing so, your car instantly reverts to the shitheap it was.
After some trial-and-error with a sharpie, you realize that if you tattoo your car’s logo on your forehead, it will remain perfect. You even bought a wrecked Alfa Romeo Brera that looked like it was crushed by Mount Rushmore, and after carefully stenciling Alfa’s snake-eating-a-dude logo on your head, it looked perfect. You did some tests and found that if the logo is obscured by a hat or bandana, it doesn’t work. It must be visible.
So, it appears you have a gift: any car you want will return to and remain in perfect condition, as long as you have its logo tattooed or at least drawn and visible on your forehead.
SCENARIO TWO:
Okay, I know I’ve been accused of making these too scatological (I didn’t go to school to earn a Masters of Scatology for nothing) but this time my wife thought this one up, so you can’t blame me. But it still sort of involves bodily functions, which, I’ll remind you, is a universal human condition that transcends time and culture, so, you know, beat that.
Anyway, here’s the deal: You buy a bag of off-brand Lucky Charms and when you whip it open you find inside, surrounded by the knockoff marshmallow green emeralds, blue clovers, red rubies, or whatever the mostly mummified remains of what seems to be a leprechaun, or maybe just some other non-Irish gnome-like being in goofy clothes.
You pull him out, connect him to your car battery via his nose (positive) and toes (negative) and give him a good jolt, and boom, he’s alive! He’s coughing and smells just hideous, but he’s quite happy to be alive and freed from the knockoff cereal bag, and in broken English thanks you profusely.
He then says he wishes to give you a gift, and with that leaps upon your face and slides a slimy tongue into your nostril. You panic, but then freeze, your body briefly but violently quivering, then calming. The leprachaun-ish being lets go and drops to the ground.
He tells you that he assessed you, and felt your love for cars. Therefore, he gave you a related gift: if you chug spoiled milk, you will be able to urinate ten times as much in the form of gasoline. So, chug a half gallon of spoiled milk, you can pee five gallons of top-notch, premium gas into your tank. A whole gallon of spoiled milk becomes ten gallons! Never pay for gas again! Go on any road trips you want! You just need to choke down some spoiled milk, occasionally! You can open your own gas station and make bank!
So, what’s it gonna be? The forehead tattoo that gets you a perfect car, or free gas whenever you want – well, whenever you get access to spoiled milk! So, choose wisely:
If anyone here is thinking that pissing gasoline would be far more convenient for a man then you are weird.
Both genders would require a custom receptacle for transferring the “Marshmallow Mateys” fuel to the vehicle. If you disagree, please don’t pick that option.
Logo of Yugo? Gordon Keeble, I’d say.
So the posts were too scatological and you switched to a urination theme?
“so, you know, beat that.”
“when you whip it open”
You say your wife made you do this?
Hmm.
Maybe it’s that Chinese car that sounds like some sort of urinary tract infection that you’ve been driving. My advice is stay away from any good deals on an NSU, especially the ones that are “two stroke”.
I think the logo on forehead sounds like the beginnings of a great superhero franchise. Our superhero, let’s call him or her forehead for the time being, maintains or maybe the word is hordes a selection of amazing cars like a Duesenberg SJ retrieved from the bottom of a lake, or the Ferrari 250 that that got got buried, or maybe the Tesla roadster that’s orbiting mars. Forehead could have a secret lair ( because they all have secret lairs) in the Antarctic using the Antarctic Snow Cruiser https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Antarctic_Snow_Cruiser
Extend this to aircraft and the sky’s the limit.
In the vein of a sunken Duesenberg (was there one?), on reading the article I had immediately thought of the Lady of the Lake Bugatti at the Mullin Automotive Museum. Peter Mullin made sure to buy it when it was recovered, so that someone else wouldn’t just use the chassis number to create a replica. But I think he might even sell it to Forehead if he could see it magically restored to its former glory. Or loan it out, as long as it was returned to its pride of place at the museum, where it’s a big attraction. The story behind the car ending up in the lake is practically Torchian in its implausibility, so it fits in perfectly.
https://mullinautomotivemuseum.com/exhibitions/lady-of-the-lake-2/ Also, folks should visit the museum, if you are in the general Oxnard vicinity on a day that it’s open. I made a pilgrimage to it when down to LA for business, had to tack on an extra hotel day in Oxnard to do so, but worth it if you like the gorgeous French cars of the 20th Century (in addition to the Art Deco masterpieces from Delahaye et al, they had a Bugatti EB110 on display).
“with that in mind, let’s leap boldly into the kiddie pool filled with chili that is a genuine Autopian Automotive Would You Rather!”
… I just figured it out, why I can’t stop reading these- you’re basically the best parts of CarTalk.
Thank you for resurrecting Click and Clack!*
*I’m well aware Ray is still kicking
Better make sure the AC is powerful, because just a SINGLE forehead swipe could spell doom!
Well, this was meant as a reply for another comment, but at least it is still coherent!
It’s stories like this that make this easily my favorite site.
Gasoline, why, free flame thrower.
Forehead logo for sure. It’s the ultimate theft protection. Wipe of logo, and no one will touch it.
Oooooh the logo would be fun. Buy something desirable but shot for next to nothing, logo up and then the fun part. Go down to a notoriously shady dealership and offer to trade even for something lesser (but still a good time) but actually in good shape. Take home un-tainted ride, wait a safe period of time and then clean it off. They get stuck with a hunk of crap, you have a sweet clean ride for pennies on the dollar and a bit of karma is served.
I’m going for the spoiled milk since the forehead tattoo might damage my dating prospects
“Aluminum Hippos” was a great band.
Torch’s wife deserves him. Tattoo.
I’m 52. I had to pick the tattoo. Urinating 5 gallons of anything would take too long.
Most realistic response to an unrealistic scenario. Love it.
my analysis:
forehead tattoo
-pro: no wrenching (tho that could be a con cuz I kinda enjoy it) & anti-theft security when parked.
-con: shame? maybe not ashamed…
spoilt milk
-pro: free gas
-con: awful taste, probable urinary tract irritation and intestinal distress – if i’m peeing hi-test i’d expect to be pooping something like crankcase oil. no thanks.
gimme the tat
Gotta admit, as an all EV household this one is a bit of a no brainer, and our Bolt isn’t even a fire risk any more!
My main issue with the logo is you can’t wear a helmet, so no on track fun. Imagine: you could strap the world’s biggest turbo to any engine you want, dump in a gallon of nitrous, and per the terms of the deal the engine would just take it, no questions asked.
Re: spoiled milk, does “fermented” or “cultured” count as “spoiled”? Because I could eat a lot of sour cream, yoghurt, etc. if properly motivated.
Re: spoiled milk, does “fermented” or “cultured” count as “spoiled”?
Yes.
If we stretch that to include cheese I might change my answer.
Are we assuming the car reverts to a consistent dilapidated state immediately upon removing the logo? If so, this could be a great tool for catching car thieves. When the logo is washed off, crush the car in such a way that occupants of the vehicle could not escape (give them enough space that they aren’t injured in the transformation, though). Then, re-stamp the logo and leave the vehicle parked with the keys in the ignition. Once thieves steal the car, wash off the logo and call the 5-0.
Actually, you probably wouldn’t even need to call the police. I think most car thieves would reconsider their activities after spending an hour or two trapped in an enchanted shitbox.
Get some stamps made of various car logos and buy the shittiest ones you can find. I would fill a barn with shitboxes and just stamp my head with the logo of whichever one I want to drive. If you don’t want your car stolen from a parking lot, just wipe off the logo and watch it revert to something NOBODY would steal. Re-apply logo to drive home.
After pouring spoiled milk on my fresh opened Froot Loops last week and then sampling it, I’m going for a non-permanent forehead tattoo.
With the forehead logo gift, I’d buy an Opel and draw the logo a bit crooked and over my right eye. If anyone asks about it, I can say I’m going to a party later dressed as Harry Potter.
I would be a bit wary of the little green guy sticking his tonge up my nose. You can get leprachaunorrhea That way.
*leprechaun o‘rrhea
I get sick enough from unspoiled milk so……
If just “Drawn and Visible” then #1, Easy
While I haven’t pissed out gasoline I have pissed out some pretty highly concentrated piss before and that burned, I imagine gasoline would probably burn worse. Also what happens if you’re pissing gasoline, a spark ignites said gasoline, no Bueno no matter how you cut it.
My only question is what car would I pick to have be perfect.
MrLM002 says:
“Also what happens if you’re pissing gasoline, a spark ignites said gasoline, no Bueno no matter how you cut it.”
User name matches; contains “Mr.” while post demonstrates definite signs of maturity. Clearly OP is older than 11.
My first thought reading “…what happens if you’re pissing gasoline, and a spark ignites said gasoline…..?”
was:
Flamethrower!!!
Honestly when picking the name for my YouTube account way back when was taken and MrLM002 was the suggested alternative name and it worked for me.
Oh absolutely the forehead logo. Buy a junker of high desireability and low price and bingo, a nice car to drive. Having a logo on the forehead is great when showing of the car at a car show. Rub it off for everyday commuting or grocery-getting. Write it on for fun times!
knowonelse gets it
I gotta go with the Logo of Dorian Gray. You can keep the cars stored in their dilapidated state (and therefore not attractive to thieves), and then when you want to drive, just draw on the appropriate logo and go. Hell, have a stamp made for each one to speed up the process. When you get home, park the car, wash your head, and watch it revert back to junker-storage mode. This could actually be kinda useful!
Yep, making a stamp is the cheat code that made me vote for the forehead logo
Every time he posts one of these I make it my mission to figure out how to game the system.
Take it further: have your cars crushed into cubes. That helps with parking. Think about all the cool rides you could buy for scrap prices that you’d get to enjoy whenever you break your custom stamps out.
Definite upside to doing the forehead think is NOT having a nasty leprechaun tongue up your sinuses. You don’t even know where it’s been.
#notMYsinuses
Better make sure the AC is powerful, because just a SINGLE forehead swipe could spell doom!
although if there is a crushed car cubicle “parked” somewhere, it could happen that you come back from activities and the cube is gone because the city removed it as dumped trash