Automotive Would You Rather: Magic Fish Or Magic Movie Edition

Wouldrather Fish

It’s a Friday before a holiday weekend, which means that, by law, nothing truly serious or productive can occur right now. That’s fine by me, because it’s a flimsy excuse for me to do another Autopian Would You Ratherand you know how much I love doing those. Besides, David is getting ready for a trip to Germany to see his family, so he can’t stop me! It’s perfect! Let’s do it!

Okay, so for this Automotive Would You Rather, I’m going to give you two scenarios to pick from, each involving some special car-related power and some manner of difficult trade-off. So be ready to really think here. Limber up those brains. Rub that cerebrum down with Astroglide. Ready? Here we go!

SCENARIO ONE: The Magic Fish

You go to the auto parts store to get a few gallons of coolant to refill your radiator, because you’re overheating and you suspect it’s because you’ve been patching hoses with Fruit Roll-Ups and they’re just not holding up. As you open the big jug and start to decant the coolant into your engine, you remember that, hey, your car is a 1971 VW Squareback and has no radiator, and you’re just filling the trunk with liquid. Oh, you!

You’re pissed you made this mistake again, but as you look down to see how much you have to clean up, you realize the trunk is now full of vivid blue liquid and dozens, at least 60 or so, gleaming golden fish, all swimming around. You reach out to touch one, to confirm that they are, in fact, real, when all of a sudden you hear a booming voice, broadcast directly into your brain. The voice says:

WE ARE THE PESCATORIANS, AN ANCIENT RACE OF MAGIC FISH, TRAPPED FOR 500 YEARS IN THAT JUG. PLEASE DO NOT ASK WHY A COOLANT JUG IS FIVE CENTURIES OLD! DOING SO IS A GRAVE INSULT TO OUR PEOPLE!

BECAUSE YOU HAVE FREED US, WE ARE BOUND TO PROVIDE YOU WITH OUR POWER: IF YOU TAKE ONE OF US INTO YOUR MOUTH, WE WILL MATERIALIZE A WONDERFUL AUTOMOBILE FOR YOU TO USE, BUT IT WILL ONLY EXIST AS LONG AS ONE OF US REMAINS IN YOUR MOUTH.

WE EACH REPRESENT A DIFFERENT, BUT EQUALLY FANTASTIC CAR. I MYSELF AM A LAMBORGHINI MIURA. KEITH OVER THERE IS A LANCIA STRATOS. CASSANDRA IS A JENSEN INTERCEPTOR, MILES IS A PERFECT STERLING, DAGMAR IS A FIRST-GEN TWINGO, AND SO ON. USE US AS OFTEN AS YOU LIKE BUT REMEMBER: IF WE LEAVE YOUR MOUTH, THE CAR DISAPPEARS IMMEDIATELY. IF YOU SWALLOW US, IT IS GONE FOREVER!

USE THIS POWER WITH CAUTION! GODSPEED!

So, for this, you have your choice of dozens of perfect, interesting cars you can drive anywhere, do anything with, as long as you keep a smallish fish in your mouth the whole time. That may sound unpleasant, but if you have a jar of water with you, you’d never have to worry about parking! Just spit out the fish when you stop, plop it in the jar, and pop it back in!

Of course, you can’t talk to your passengers, can’t sing, can’t really relax because if you swallow or spit out that fish while at speed, you’ll likely end up dead.

Okay! That’s the first scenario! Here’s the next one:

SCENARIO TWO: The Magic Movies

You’re looking for a new head unit for your car, and you find an ad for one for sale on Craigslist, and it seems perfect: brand new, still in box, all the features you want, like Apple CarPlay, Android Auto, PalmOne CarConnect, all that. And it’s dirt cheap. You go to the address given to you by the seller, and he texts you to just open the door and come in.

When you open the door, you find an empty room with a lone, wizened old man clutching a still shrink-wrapped box with the head unit, sitting on a worn leathern ottoman. You hand him your money, he hands you the box, then seizes your arm with a shocking strength and intensity.

“This head unit,” he croaks, “she has powers far beyond your comprehension.”

Responding to your puzzled face and significant amounts of confusion-drool, the old man continues:

“Insert a movie on DVD into this device, pause it on an image of a car, any car in the movie, touch the car on the screen with the tip of your moistened tongue, and this car will transform into a perfect replica of the one from the film! Completely functional, with all the capabilities portrayed in the motion picture! If ye pick Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, the car will fly! If you pick a Batmobile, it will have all the bat-powers! The DeLorean from Back To The Future can travel in time, which likely will cause all kinds of problems! Actually, let’s say that one won’t work, because, come on. If you pick the Dude’s Torino from The Big Lebowski, it will smell like it had been used as a restroom!”

The old man paused, and looks into your eyes, deeply.

“But be aware: when you choose a car from a movie, that movie will cease to exist from human culture! No copies will remain, no one will remember it, not even you! It will be gone!”

And with that the old man leaps up, explodes into a massive spray of what seems to be Hormel chili, and he’s gone.

You’re holding the head unit, and you have a closet full of DVD movies.

 

Okay! So, what’s it gonna be? Magic fish in the mouth to materialize all sorts of incredible cars, or have any car from any movie, as long as you don’t mind erasing that movie forever! Vote! Comment! Live, dammit, live!

Quiz Maker

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76 Responses

  1. I am by nature fairly selfish. I will opt for the head unit and get whatever I want without regard for whatever movie is erased forever. I want it, so I’ll take it. End of discussion.

    Having said all that, can anyone recommend a movie featuring a Mercedes Benz 300 SL?

  2. Spite is a big motivator with me.

    I’d take the head unit and would enjoy removing decades of terrible movies from our cultural history. I’m coming for ALL your reboots. Bonus points if it eliminates the money earned by those responsible for the films.

  3. Magic Head Unit by a mile. Just think of all of the Fast and Furious movies you could undo! Or how about some of the stinkier James Bond movies? There are lots of bad movies with great cars!

    Go ahead and send the the link. I’ll meet the creepy guy for you.

  4. I’m picking the movie option because I would be able to have Inspector Clouseau’s first-gen smart car and the only downside is that no one remembers The Pink Panther (2005) which, let’s be real, no one remembers anyways.

    1. That movie is full of interesting cars. I’ll take the pre hears XKE and the International Travelall airport limo in the background in one scene. Hell, if I could take multiple cars from one movie but could only choose one movie. Harold and Maud would be it.

      So what if it’s gone.

      I don’t think anyone who hasn’t seen it will and those that have, well.. so long.

      “I would be remiss in my duty, if I did not tell you, that the idea of… intercourse – your firm, young… body… comingling with… withered flesh… sagging breasts… flabby b-b-buttocks… makes me want… to vomit.”

  5. . . . driver suddenly panic-stops Porsche Cayenne on the side of a busy highwa; he steps out and insistently, impatiently, silently urges (through increasingly frantic hand-waving) passengers to do the same;
    holds small jar to his face, and sneezes.
    (If he doesn’t succeed in capturing the snot-coated fish, they’re all stranded.)

  6. Head unit. You gave me an easy out stating that I also wouldn’t remember the movie. Nice car, no regrets. There’s lots of bad movies with good cars so I don’t see a downside.
    Holding a fish in my mouth? The very thought makes my insides want to come outside.

  7. Maybe I’m too late, but I think I have the perfect solution:
    1) buy a camera
    2) shoot some bullshit movie near a Bugatti showroom. Make sure to have it on frame long enough to see the cars.
    3) release that crap on YouTube (juust to be sure in case it needs an audience in order to qualify)
    4) burn it on dvd
    5) Rinse, repeat, profit!

  8. Despite the oral fixation of needing to luck everything I am the movie pick who cares if a movie dissapears.
    However with the fish create the car sell it someone. After the check clears take out the fish and take your old beater back. And repeat.

    1. Cop: “Do you know why I pulled you over sir?”
      You: “Look over there!” *points* then spits fish out when the officer turns around
      Cop turns back, to find you just sat on the side of the road, with no car.
      You: “So why did you pull over officer?”

  9. I was thinking ‘what monster would choose to steal from our culture to have a cool car’, but then I remembered The Batman. Definitely better off as a sweet custom car than a movie. Also, I’ll take that sweet sweet custom RX-7 from Tokyo Drift.

  10. This is an absolute no brainer. Do you have any idea how many horrible movies with great cars there are? I think my first movie would be Redline. You could chose a Ferrari Enzo, Saleen S7 Twin Turbo, Koenigsegg CCR, Ford GT, Lamborghini Murcielago Roadster or a Mercedes SLR McLaren and I doubt anyone would miss that movie.

  11. Hold on.. I think I’ve got this.
    I’m gonna go with the head unit scenario. I’m picking the back to the future Delorean, and going back in time to before I read this nonsense article.

    I’m gonna do it with a goldfish in my mouth to cover all bases.

  12. Before I respond, I’ll need to consider. And I can’t do that without first marvelling at the wonderful and awesome power wielded by JT and his imagination. Impressive!

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