We normally have a policy here where we avoid showing any especially graphic accidents, so you’d think a wreck that shows a fire hydrant being blasted through the head of a child wearing checkered overalls would be out of the question, but in this case, you’d be wrong. That’s because the child that got a hydrant blasted through his head this time is no ordinary child, but a boy, a big, boy, the Big Boy, and this fast-food mascot never faltered, never dropped that double-decker burger, not even when the back of his head was being blasted out by a cast-iron hydrant-missile.
The Big Boy attempted assassination by hydrant happened in Downey, California, on August 28, around two in the morning. A vehicle speeding down the road lost control and smacked into the fire hydrant, which was launched through Big Boy’s head, clipping the famous mascot’s trademark pompadour hair and blowing off the back of his head.
The driver escaped with only moderate injuries, though the Jaws of Life were required to extract her from the car, which appears to be a 2008-ish Ford Five Hundred:
The incident was captured on security cameras outside of the Bob’s Big Boy Broiler restaurant:
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Holy crap, look at that. A hydrant right through your head can really do some damage; I’m impressed the Big Boy held up as well as he did, never faltering, never falling, never dropping that delicious double-decker burger.
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In an Instagram post, the restaurant shows the injured Big Boy, face sprouting fiberglass fibers, yet still smiling, and states that he will “have the comeback of the century.”
The iron will exhibited by Big Boy and his steadfast refusal to fall, even when an entire hydrant blasts through his head, has definitely been noticed by other members of the fast-food mascot community.
Via the Unified Kingdom of Burger’s embassy in Washington, the Burger King issued a statement:
“We all want the food to be fast, but we all know the cars can be fast, too, and when they’re too fast, this is the predictable result. What is less predictable is the unshakable determination of this Big Boy, his unwavering refusal to collapse even when the very forces of the physical world ally against him. I am inspired by this young man, his burger held perpetually aloft; let it be a meaty beacon for us all.”
Also notable was the emergence from seclusion of the deposed Mayor McCheese, once head of the McDonaldland government. When the McCheese administration ended in scandal and calamity, the Mayor disappeared. But the Big Boy hydrant incident prompted the release of a terse missive from McCheese:
“This is what food mascotry is all about. Venerate the product, let nothing stop you or impede your mission. I salute the Big Boy and wish him a rapid recovery.”
The fast-food mascot community hasn’t seen this sort of unity since 2014, when many came together to mourn the Noid’s death by heroin overdose.
Our thoughts and prayers to the Big Boy in Downey. Hopefully the back of his head will be back in place soon.
Would the fire hydrant have killed The Grimace?
Not if a grimace shake kills the hydrant.
Nothing can kill The Grimace.
Going on a trip in our favorite hydrant ship, flying through the sky. Little french fries.
Gotta step in here…
Sadly, that restaurant is not owned by the “Big Boy” brand anymore and is independent, and the food SUCKS.
It’s very very bad greasy spoon fare. It’s really bad.
Back in the day, that location was a great spot for car shows, but the city of Downey shut those down, and the local police like to target anyone exiting the restaurant at night.
Given that the UP4014 is out touring the heartland right now, this isn’t the “Big Boy” that I was expecting when I first read the headline.
I’m kinda surprised Mercedes hasn’t written an article about it this week. Maybe she’s waiting until it stops in Illinois this weekend?
Big boy got battered by a big toy.
Sounds like a title I would see on an old pay-per-view channel while scrolling through cable
Dude, how do you even know what in those? I can only guess. (I don’t have cable.)
That is some solid writing. Well played.
This has been bugging me for years and maybe it’s finally the time and place to ask:
Why the hell was the Five Hundred called the Five Hundred?
I thought it was part of Fords halF-assed attempt of having all vehicle names start with “F”
I believe it was a reference to their Galaxie 500 and Fairlane 500 models of the 60s and 70s.
Instead of making 500 a trim level they just used it as the name of the car.
Oof. What a pale imitation of those cars. An ex’s brother had a Fairlane rotting in the driveway, I’d loved to have seen it on the road again. A shlubby little sedan is not evocative of those in the least.
That’s right, they wanted to use all “F” names for their (non Mustang) cars and “E” names for all SUVs/crossovers. The Fusion was supposed to have been the Futura, fitting with the Five Hundred’s theme of reusing an old trim level as a model name, but it impeded on Pep Boys’ trademark registration for a line of house brand tires.
Also, the Freestyle and Freestar wrecked the motif, because they probably should have been treated like light trucks. Might have actually sold better with E names
Since no matter what it will always be worth only $500
“His name was Robert Paulson”
Sincere question: why do US fire hydrants stick up like sore thumbs, vulnerable to Ford Five Hundreds and small children who want a summer shower, anyway? Anywhere else they are under manhole covers flush to the pavement.
Including some very jolly ones in Japan:
https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/1/17/Kawaii_fire_hydrant_cover_in_Tokyo%2C_Shinbashi.jpg
https://www.shutterstock.com/image-photo/fire-hydrant-tokyo-japan-260nw-1649040877.jpg
https://shizuokagourmet.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/yaizu-city-9.jpg
You got me thinking now, I’m in the UK and can’t say I have ever noticed a fire hydrant, Ours are very non descript steel covers it seems, One thing I have seen though is the little concrete posts we have with a yellow H sign on, I just never realised before today what they where, I figured the marked out gas/water pipes etc, I will have a look round when I walk to the coffee shop in the morning and see if I can spot any.
https://t3.ftcdn.net/jpg/00/37/71/68/500_F_37716852_Q4WQclFBmiBZCGywWfv53legKUVI0goH.jpg
You wouldn’t want to do that anywhere north of the freeze line as manhole covers can freeze shut and are a huge pain to open when that happens. (coming from someone who has managed utility and roadwork projects for 30 years). Water and sand get into the space around the edge and can form a frozen wedge. Also in that same vein, if they are called out to a fire on a night that it’s snowing, the covers could be difficult to locate with just a 1/2″ of snow on the ground.
As to why they don’t use them down south? I’m guessing just institutional inertia?
Higher flow rate of water too.
Also, there’s about 7.5 million hydrants in the US right now, local governments aren’t going to run around spending money to replace all of those for no good reason, if they work, they work, no point in changing
The bigger issue is, despite over a century of work, there’s still a few places with nonstandard/incompatible couplings, including in parts of San Francisco. Ask Baltimore if that’s a good idea, see what they say
Interesting. Towns in North-Western Japan have some of the heaviest snowfall in the world, but I haven’t hung around up there long enough to know what they do for fire hydrants.
I’m going to bet it’s because Americans would just park on top of them half the time.
That, or we’d declare war on them. We love declaring war on stuff.
Or build a wall around them.
And Mexico will pay for it, believe me.
Street parking is not allowed in Japan, except in designated parking meter or pay & display areas, which are clearly marked.