While self-driving cars tend to hog all of the mainstream media attention and adulation of the glitterati, those of us in the know understand that the real prize in this self-driving machine race aren’t automobiles at all. They’re something far sexier, far more exciting, far more important, and have a much broader appeal. Everyone has used one. I’m talking toilets.
Yes, toilets! For far, far too long toilets have remained anchored to one spot, their immobility forcing us, the toilet’s human users, into a tyranny of always us having to go to them to undertake our foul yet unavoidable business. And, sure, while mobile toilets have existed, they have tended to be far too bulky, and their loud, exhaust-belching internal combustion engines had made them impractical for daily, indoor use, not to mention their requirement to be guided by a human chauffeur.
That is all about to change.
Yes, a new era is upon us, an era where a toilet now can come seek out you, bidden by a spoken command, traversing silently through interior spaces, navigating and avoiding obstacles, all with the goal of coming to you and being ready, willing, and able to accept your gifts of biological wastes. Look:
What glorious witchcraft is this? Chinese company Yueban showed, at the 2026 Shanghai International Elderly Care Expo a remarkable new toilet called the Xiaoban, a completely automated self-propelled and guided toilet that is capable of coming to you when you call it, receiving your wastes, solid and liquid, with dignity, and even providing bidet cleaning to your person:
The wastes are held in an internal chamber, sealed away immediately upon use to prevent any escaping odors, and the solids are masticated into a fine slurry via the use of grinding gears:
Then, its immediate purpose filled, Xiaoban goes to a conventional, sad, immobile toilet and discharges its load into the archaic toilet’s waiting maw, then flushes it off into oblivion. Its mission fulfilled, Xiaoban then returns to its charging station, where its batteries and freshwater tanks are replenished.
It’s like a dream! A dream of hyper-convenient defecating! Imagine being at an elegant party, and instead of gracelessly leaving your engaging conversation and cocktails to void your bowels, you can just cavalierly gesture and call out to a roaming toilet, who will happily rush over, ready to receive your leavings as you continue to regale your delighted fellow revelers with your witty tales of adventure and derring-do as you vigorously fill that eager vessel! What could be better?
Really, though, this is more for helping with eldercare and could prove to be a very significant way to make a caregiver’s job easier and help to preserve older people’s dignity, which is, of course, great. Other waste-management solutions that can be brought to bedridden or people with limited mobility have been far more primitive, with bedpans being the most common option.
The Xiaoban is said to sell for 28,999 yuan (about $4,000), though some outlets have reported prices as high as $13,000. No international pricing has been mentioned, so all of that seems to be speculation.
It’s an exciting time to have an anus and bladder, my friends!
Ha ha, at first I thought this would be related to that other article about the driver’s toilet so I thought this would be a toilet that stalks you from the back seat and then comes behind you so you can use it!
R2P2
I think people who have the money to buy this thing either already have a toilet very close to their bed or could pay to add one.
It would be ideal if you’re living like Charlie and Frank and can send the thing down the hall instead of peeing in a coffee can, but they’re not going to pay for this. Bird lawyers aren’t paid well.
This made me think of the South Park episode (Make love not warcraft) where Eric Cartman yells ‘Maaam! Batroom Batroom!’ to get bed pan service while grinding levels in Warcraft.
That “elderly” lady in their YT thumbnail has aged very gracefully. If the rolling toilet thing doesn’t work out, maybe they can sell her skincare routine. 😉
It cost $4000 then you also have to have a charging station and fresh water supply installed at the charging station so it can fully function. Its going to be quite pricey
Can the summon phrase be “Oh piss boy!”
This is going to be a real hit at the office. Now there’s not reason to ever leave you desk during working hours.
The driving system, flush system, and bidet pump and optional subscription heated seat are all controlled via CANbus.
I’m going to laugh at this for a lot of today.
So it’s a robot that poops. It goes and finds a toilet the same way a fancy vacuum bot goes to its docking station and empties itself into that. Better hope it doesn’t miss the toilet.
It’s the flushing part that gets me. There isn’t a standard lever or button position on toilets. How does it manage that?
“Now with built-in shit grinder!”
Bob’s Burgers had an episode about O.T. the outside toilet. The villains’ name was Max Flush
I can’t wait to pair it with my Huawei AITO SUV with the built-in toilet for that duel wielding experience. Or swivel the seats around and establish dominance with whoever’s riding with you