Dispatches From The Trenches Of The Car Wars: COTD

In The Morning Dump, Matt wrote about Bank of America’s “Car Wars” report, which focuses on how many new models automakers introduce a year. You probably won’t be surprised to hear that EV sales and tariffs are a huge concern. Stellantis is at the bottom of the list, sadly. Now, we have a message from the trenches. Arch Duke Maxyenko:

To my Dearest Hardibird,

I write to you yet again from the trenches on the front lines, I dare not say from where exactly as I do wish to limit the amount of redactions my superiors shall make. It has been a long and tiresome 3 years of war amongst the car brands and a war that was started for causes unbeknownst to me or my compatriots. It feels like just yesterday that I was playing ball with Jonny Chrysler, but alas it has been a year since he died being stranded in a foxhole alone with only 3 rounds of ammo, his sacrifice has seemingly gone unnoticed by the French commanders. Alas, the Dodge brothers went on a rescue party only to also never come back, we still fear the worse for them as it has been said they went in the wrong direction and fell off the cliff.

You’ll be relieved to know that Ram has found some of his old gusto and appears to be firing on all 8 cylinders again, but he too has developed a tick from the shellshock.

Still duty calls and we must fight on, through the rust and oil stains for freedom beckons.

Forever foreword and sometimes backwards,
Yours truly,
Jeep

Tbird:

I just pictured RAM as Animal Mother from Full Metal Jacket.

ESBMW@Work:

Saving Private Plymouth.

Matt Hardigree does much of the background mathematics that keeps the Autopian running, and today, he announced that we’re removing ads for members. Apparently, this means less ad revenue, but our members can help make up the difference. A. Barth:

“My name is Hardigree … Math Hardigree.” 

The Dodge Charger EV has a failure mode where if the accelerator pedal stops working, it’ll accelerate up to highway speed by itself and you control the vehicle with the brake pedal. Dan1101:

So are there any other secret drive modes that Stellantis uses, say, if the steering fails you can control the steering rack with the window switches? Or if the parking brake fails, the power seat buttons can be used instead?

That’s silly, the volume knob should control the throttle and the tuning knob the steering. Only way to drive.

Here’s a joke from Sid Bridge:

Dear Owner,

We are aware that your Ford Pinto recently explosively removed the contents of its fuel tank. This is actually a safety feature intended to clear space behind the vehicle in the event of a rear-end collision. Enclosed is a new set of “I love my Ford” floor mats, our gift to you for being a loyal Ford customer.

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NHTSA: Stellantis it looks like you have a number of unintended acceleration complaints.

Stellantis: Oh. Um. No, the acceleration is intended, just not by the person driving the car.

NHTSA: Oh ok, carry on then.

This morning, Jason wrote about the GMC Rally van and its generic tagline, “It’s for going places and doing things.”

Matt Sexton:

“It’s for going places and doing things.”

*sees illustration of travel bed*

Ah yes. I get it now. Things. *wink*

Have a great evening, everyone!