I haven’t really been paying attention to social media lately, but apparently, there’s some talk about a rapture or something that’s maybe sort of supposed to happen. Jason, in his always silly self, decided to tackle the totally important question of what happens if you’re driving when the rapture happens. Clearly, you’ll want to leave your sunroof or convertible top open to make the ascension possible, right? After all, you don’t want to get crunched up into the ceiling of your car and miss the pearly gates!
Jay Vette:
The exact speed at which you will be raptured is unknown, but leading scholars agree that it is known as the velocirapture.
ShinyMetalAsp has hilarious advice:
If you’re driving during the rapture in a car with push-button start please leave the keys in the center console, not your pocket.
Also, definitely don’t leave your Ford F-350 dually on the side of a highway without the fob after the rapture.
StillNotATony:
I am absolutely gonna be raptured (suck it heathens!!!), but since I ride a motorcycle, I’m just gonna hang on and hope I can bring my Magna with me!
Think they have regular unleaded in Heaven?
My Goat Ate My Homework replied:
I heard there are no lines at the pump, it’s permanently subsidized to .99$ a gallon, and they all have stickers with a picture of Jesus and the words “I did this”.
JJ also replied:
I love that even in heaven oil companies are still making $$
TheDrunkenWrench:
But what if this is all a miscommunication and what’s actually happening is the second coming of Raptors?
Jason! You’ve just left all these folks vulnerable to Raptor attacks! Have you learned NOTHING from the Jurassic Park series?
Tbird:
Best mistranslation from Greek and Aramaic EVER.
My Goat Ate My Homework comes back for a second COTD:
Idk, might want to talk to the guy that ended up with 72 Virginians.
David Tracy and I decided to tag-team on a long story to defend the engineering prowess of General Motors. V10omous probably sums it up best:
No mainstream company has a higher ceiling, no mainstream company has a lower floor.
A good second place there would probably be Boeing lately. Have a great evening, everyone!
You can only get raptured if you’re in a Honda. Jesus didn’t like to talk about that, though.
Ned Flanders says it has to be a KIA SOUL…
As believer I think this is awesome! We get to talk about Jesus coming back on a car website, and have a few laughs! Laughing and Jesus! Two of my favorite things!
I’m disappointed to see The Autopian go down this road. I appreciate good humor but I’m just not cool with mocking anyone’s religious beliefs or lack there of. Keep it between the ditches. That’s where the fun is.
“Please remember to safely park your car on your way out” is perfectly inoffensive (and hilarious) as a reply to “I’m being hand-picked to go to super-heaven tomorrow because I’m better than everyone else, and the rest of you will be tortured forever because you didn’t agree with me, and I think that’s fair.”
Oh come on. I’ve personally been through at least 3 “Raptures” now. Even my Christian friends are rolling their eyes. It says in the bible that only the father, AKA God Almighty, knows the time and place and he’s not giving any hints.
Same here. 4 Raptures here, and counting.
None of this seems mean spirited and religious beliefs are just as up for mocking as beliefs about cars.
At worst, it’s holy spirited
Please respond to this comment from heaven after you get raptured so I’ll have proof it exists.
Respectfully, my comment was about respecting the beliefs of others, not a statement of my own beliefs on the matter.
I appreciate your sensitivity, but as a faithful Catholic I think these jokes are hilarious.
Wow my second COTD! I never know which of my horrendous jokes are going to make it. Thank you all!
Great work everyone! The 72 Virginians comment got me good. I can’t remember the last time a comment here actually made me laugh out loud.
72 Virginians? That’s only half-gross
ROFL!
It’s my understanding that Boeing’s “floor” is actually a different company called McDonnell Douglas wearing Boeing’s skin. Kind of like how “Atari” is “Infogrames”.
Do I have to leave this bar? I don’t want to talk about politics or religion here. I just come here for cars. And not particularly exotic ones.
I don’t know why I initially commented on this post. Every single comment you called out is pretty clever or funny. Or both. My apologies.
Good news everybody! I’m here to tell you folks ya dont have to worry about that rapture thing! We Reptilians made it up as a way to control you. We also made up other fine methods of control, such as politics, the internet, Tiktok, and cat memes! You are welcome! Remember, Reptilians are your friends!
So I can has cheezburger?
You bio-engineered the brain parasite people can get from cats, didn’t you? Cats were too lazy to do it themselves. Did they cuddle up to you and purr?
I had a vegan say when you got to heaven you’ll meet all the animals that made your food. I want to meet the dinousaurs that made my gasoline.
Jokes on the vegans. I’ve met many of the animals that make my food.
So you get to eat them again?
Duh, it’s heaven!
Wait no more: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gasosaurus
Wow, it’s perfectly sized to be the Yoshi to my Mario!
That made me think of the scene from ‘Hitchhikers Guide to the Universe’
https://youtu.be/5HLy27bK-wU?si=etEtMCglyirL7zU4
And THIS made me think of a scene from Intolerable Cruelty. The lawyer asks the diner waitress if they have a green salad and she responds, “What the fuck color would it be?”
If God hadn’t wanted us to eat animals, he should have made them taste bad.