You know how everything is increasingly AI garbage and everyone is stupid and food tastes like ashes and nobody understands you and they’re all jerks anyway and you pray for a cleansing rain to just, you know, wash the all the filth away? Sure you do. We all do. And while we can’t really help with any of that on any appreciable level, there is something we can do: we can help you put a tiny novelty hoodie on your car’s shift levers.
Oh, I know you’ve been promised that before! I realize there’s all sorts of charlatans and serpent lubricant salespeople who have claimed they have an appropriately-sized hoodie to fit snugly on the shift lever of your choice, and then when you finally get it out to your car, you find it’s just some discarded full-sized hoodie liberated from the dank swill at the bottom of a dumpster or, worse, a bunch of expired lox crudely cut into a hoodie shape. What I’m getting at here is that we all know the tiny novelty shifter-sized hoodie market is a mess.
But we’re doing something about it.
What are we doing? We’re selling shifter hoodies, that’s what! Autopian-branded Shifter Hoodies! Why? Why, you ask? What the hell kind of question is that? Is your shifter clothed? No? Well, there’s your answer.
Actually, this came about because last year we ran a holiday gift guide that I at first thought was this one but turned out to be this one, where our Publisher Matt’s wife, who doesn’t give a rat’s rectum about cars, picked out gifts she thought Matt might enjoy, and one of them was one of these little shifter hoodies. We thought everyone would agree these were silly, absurd things, but we were surprised to find that a non-insignificant number of our readers bought them!
So we thought what the hell, let’s do it for real, and arranged for a Swiss craftsperson to hand-make some Autopian-branded hoodies, spun from the finest ottersilk! And then we made a commercial for them:
View this post on Instagram
Hot damn, right?
You’re wondering about colors, aren’t you? Sure you are. Well, you can relax, because we offer these hoodies in all of the colors of the rainbow, minus a handful:
They come in Raven’s Cloaca Black, Nose Capillary Red, Old Coolant Green, and Private Parts Pink. The green one is even fur-trimmed, just like what kings and queens had on their shifters, and all of these are rated as fully fault-tolerant in most industrial or agricultural settings (unconfirmed).
These cutting-edge, non AI-produced shifter hoodies go for $10, but if you order two or more, you can get them for $7.50 each! Compare that to comparable shifter hoodies from companies such as Lockheed or Merck that go for thousands of dollars each! You’re losing money every minute you don’t buy a shifter hoodie!
Order yours today, and free yourself from the soul-crushing tyranny of an un-hoodied shifter!
“Merchandising, merchandising, where the real money from the movie is made!”
And last but not least! Autopian the doll, Torch: “May the chainsaw be with you!”
Those are so cute! Delightfully tacky, but so cute.
I know I’ll lose my membership for admitting this, but neither of my cars has a manual transmission, and no, I don’t have a physical disability that would stop me from using one. The shifter on my Ford is a knob on the console, and on my Benz, it’s a lever on the steering column. So nowhere to put one. I still want one though.
Done and done. My FR-S will never be cold again.
Oh my god, reading this made my day.
There have been so many great merch ideas posted in the comments over the years. All kinds of T-shirts, cards we could leave on cool cars, pins, hats, posters, etc. I’m not sure what this is for? I know I don’t need one. I love you guys and all but, really?
It’s clearly a data-driven decision. They have the numbers from the affiliate links. They literally know how many people went and bought one of that list from Matt’s wife was posted.
They’re for people whose cars have metal shift knob bits and live in places that get very cold of very hot.
If I buy one of these, will I still be able to park my car at the Wolfchase Galleria in Memphis, Tennessee, which bans hoodies?
Yes! We talked to the Mayor of the Galleria and got SPECIAL DISPENSATION
Excellent! You guys are great.
But what if I have one of those fancy push-button transmissions?
Or a column shifter?
What can I mount the little hoodie on?
With enough glue you can mount the hoodie on any stick or button you desire.
But what if I have one of those fancy push-button transmissions?
Well sir this will be a still be a fine addition!
Or a column shifter?
Come on now, don’t be a grifter.
What can I mount the little hoodie on?
Maybe on your magnetron?
Hoodie
What’s it called?
Hoodie
Once again
Hoodie
What, no sepia-tone “before” footage of an attractive but not sexualized woman, being startled by/shaking her head ruefully at her Bullitt Mustang or similar shift knob??