You know how everything is increasingly AI garbage and everyone is stupid and food tastes like ashes and nobody understands you and they’re all jerks anyway and you pray for a cleansing rain to just, you know, wash the all the filth away? Sure you do. We all do. And while we can’t really help with any of that on any appreciable level, there is something we can do: we can help you put a tiny novelty hoodie on your car’s shift levers.
Oh, I know you’ve been promised that before! I realize there’s all sorts of charlatans and serpent lubricant salespeople who have claimed they have an appropriately-sized hoodie to fit snugly on the shift lever of your choice, and then when you finally get it out to your car, you find it’s just some discarded full-sized hoodie liberated from the dank swill at the bottom of a dumpster or, worse, a bunch of expired lox crudely cut into a hoodie shape. What I’m getting at here is that we all know the tiny novelty shifter-sized hoodie market is a mess.
But we’re doing something about it.
What are we doing? We’re selling shifter hoodies, that’s what! Autopian-branded Shifter Hoodies! Why? Why, you ask? What the hell kind of question is that? Is your shifter clothed? No? Well, there’s your answer.
Actually, this came about because last year we ran a holiday gift guide that I at first thought was this one but turned out to be this one, where our Publisher Matt’s wife, who doesn’t give a rat’s rectum about cars, picked out gifts she thought Matt might enjoy, and one of them was one of these little shifter hoodies. We thought everyone would agree these were silly, absurd things, but we were surprised to find that a non-insignificant number of our readers bought them!
So we thought what the hell, let’s do it for real, and arranged for a Swiss craftsperson to hand-make some Autopian-branded hoodies, spun from the finest ottersilk! And then we made a commercial for them:
View this post on Instagram
Hot damn, right?
You’re wondering about colors, aren’t you? Sure you are. Well, you can relax, because we offer these hoodies in all of the colors of the rainbow, minus a handful:
They come in Raven’s Cloaca Black, Nose Capillary Red, Old Coolant Green, and Private Parts Pink. The green one is even fur-trimmed, just like what kings and queens had on their shifters, and all of these are rated as fully fault-tolerant in most industrial or agricultural settings (unconfirmed).
These cutting-edge, non AI-produced shifter hoodies go for $10, but if you order two or more, you can get them for $7.50 each! Compare that to comparable shifter hoodies from companies such as Lockheed or Merck that go for thousands of dollars each! You’re losing money every minute you don’t buy a shifter hoodie!
Order yours today, and free yourself from the soul-crushing tyranny of an un-hoodied shifter!
Dont own a manual trans anymore, wonder if this would fit on my hyundai
Such a surprising mix of products for sale. I didn’t want to pay shipping on my shift hoodies. Lucky for me I was able to add a $10k Mustang supercharger to my order to get me over the free shipping threshold.
Sadly, I don’t have any manual transmission vehicles at the moment (just a column and rotary dial) but I still bought two.
Maybe in 30 years I can sell them as vintage on eBay.
Look, I can’t speak for any resellers who may not have kept it at the proper temperature, but I assure you the lox was not expired when I crudely cut it into a hoodie shape.
Wish it came in royal blue, but I’ll go for red.
Y’all saying they don’t fit automatic cars? I had a generic one from Amazon on my Mazda6 daily driver’s automatic shifter and it did fine. Are these different somehow?
According to that informercial it does, in fact, work on automatic!
Brb buying one
I suspect that’s because so many automatics these days use a dial or some other gimmicky shifter. As long as the shifter looks like a shifter, I believe it’ll work.
I’m thinking about getting a red one for my Mazda3, and maybe a green one for the holidays.
Ah, I forget about the new cars and their silliness. I have had this 6 for going on 11 years now. Oops.
Please oh please figure out international shipping! Don’t you want my money?!
Please please please! I wish to give you money in exchange for multiple shift hoodies but I live in Canada and am now sad.
will these fit hamsters
This is awesome. Ordered! My Si’s shift knob is either freezinng or on fire and the 27WON shifter knob is a little salty for me.
But don’t the babies get cold when you take them?
My wife complained that the shifter knob was cold to the touch the other day. Ha!
I’m one of the people who bought one of those hoodies from that gift list last year… I got it as a joke stocking stuffer for my wife’s car but joke was on me, she loved it
Finally all the cut shifters can have some uncut protection!
Are you guys working on additional color options? I’d love to get a branded shifter hoodie in blue!
Bought some for my friends!
I keep one on my Wrangler’s 4WD shifter… but I figured… ah, what the hell… a little support can go a long way.
Hmm, my metal shift knobs do get hot, or cold depending on the season. I had previously seen and considered a little shift knob beanie, but perhaps one of these hoodies.
So…so many Kennys.
At first I thought the black hoodie might be Adrian approved, then I saw the white drawstring. Heathens.
I almost chuckled and dismissed it before I saw commenters pointing out that these things actually make sense to those of us with convertibles and shift knobs that get piping hot. Wow… May have to grab one for my Miata!
Added bonus is the jealous rage my wife will have when she seems my shifter all cozy and fashionable while her shifter remains naked because it’s a dial.
I hate this idea:
Maybe a little fun, but 100% useless.
Unless it covers a hole right down to the ground, on some Derek Bieri level of driveable shitbox.
Fine, take my damn money. Should be a disclaimer that they only fit cars with three pedals! I can only imagine where some of these stickless people are going to put them :\
On anything without 8 different screens, you should at least have automatic shift knob, turn signal stalk, wiper stalk, or now it’s even possible you can protect your iDrive knob