You know how everything is increasingly AI garbage and everyone is stupid and food tastes like ashes and nobody understands you and they’re all jerks anyway and you pray for a cleansing rain to just, you know, wash the all the filth away? Sure you do. We all do. And while we can’t really help with any of that on any appreciable level, there is something we can do: we can help you put a tiny novelty hoodie on your car’s shift levers.
Oh, I know you’ve been promised that before! I realize there’s all sorts of charlatans and serpent lubricant salespeople who have claimed they have an appropriately-sized hoodie to fit snugly on the shift lever of your choice, and then when you finally get it out to your car, you find it’s just some discarded full-sized hoodie liberated from the dank swill at the bottom of a dumpster or, worse, a bunch of expired lox crudely cut into a hoodie shape. What I’m getting at here is that we all know the tiny novelty shifter-sized hoodie market is a mess.
But we’re doing something about it.
What are we doing? We’re selling shifter hoodies, that’s what! Autopian-branded Shifter Hoodies! Why? Why, you ask? What the hell kind of question is that? Is your shifter clothed? No? Well, there’s your answer.
Actually, this came about because last year we ran a holiday gift guide that I at first thought was this one but turned out to be this one, where our Publisher Matt’s wife, who doesn’t give a rat’s rectum about cars, picked out gifts she thought Matt might enjoy, and one of them was one of these little shifter hoodies. We thought everyone would agree these were silly, absurd things, but we were surprised to find that a non-insignificant number of our readers bought them!
So we thought what the hell, let’s do it for real, and arranged for a Swiss craftsperson to hand-make some Autopian-branded hoodies, spun from the finest ottersilk! And then we made a commercial for them:
View this post on Instagram
Hot damn, right?
You’re wondering about colors, aren’t you? Sure you are. Well, you can relax, because we offer these hoodies in all of the colors of the rainbow, minus a handful:
They come in Raven’s Cloaca Black, Nose Capillary Red, Old Coolant Green, and Private Parts Pink. The green one is even fur-trimmed, just like what kings and queens had on their shifters, and all of these are rated as fully fault-tolerant in most industrial or agricultural settings (unconfirmed).
These cutting-edge, non AI-produced shifter hoodies go for $10, but if you order two or more, you can get them for $7.50 each! Compare that to comparable shifter hoodies from companies such as Lockheed or Merck that go for thousands of dollars each! You’re losing money every minute you don’t buy a shifter hoodie!
Order yours today, and free yourself from the soul-crushing tyranny of an un-hoodied shifter!
I clicked the link and bought one about 30 seconds after realizing it was a real product post. I have an oversized Lego head for a shift knob, and now the Emperor will have clothes.
As someone with a Miata who leaves the top down all summer, this is fabulous. As someone who also installed a spun aluminum shift knob because he likes how it looks, 3rd degree burns be dammed, this is life changing. Blessings of all the Automotive Gods be upon you this day.
Will this fit onto a pre-DOGE-Elon-era Tesla shifter stalk? Or will it be limp and floppy like a leftover wheelbarrow shrimp or watered down shower spaghetti?
In the future I see a full size Hoodie with the Shift Pattern printed on top of the hood?
This is the way.
Me want! No international shipping. Me cry!
just email me at matt@TheAutopian.com and we can figure it out.
Done.
Pretty sure you just stripped these off surplus Ken dolls.
Ooo… I want. Unfortunately my shifter is too big and has too may protrubances for these to fit….
Get your minds out of the gutter. Google Eaton Fuller 13 speed shifter
If I was going to get a metal knob, I’d want the top to be engraved like the headpiece to the Staff of Ra from the first Indiana Jones movie so I could have that imprinted on my palm like that weird evil dude whose face gets melted.
I know this kind of thing isn’t meant for me, but is this an accessory thing just to have it or do that many people have metal shift knobs? A 2″ wood ball is about $2 from a hardware store, you can paint it, add numbers, whatever, they’re about the lightest knob you could find that isn’t CF maybe, but they won’t be any help in finding the Ark of the Covenant after sitting in the sun.
My Civic Si came with a metal knob from Honda, I replaced it with a Dragon Ball, but only because it was beaten up as I bought it used.
Those Dragon Balls look like resin or acrylic. How is it in the summer?
It’s close to ambient temperature, but not nearly as hot as a metal knob. I had a solid aluminum ball in my old Scion tC and that thing looked cool, but was as hot as a cattle brand in the summer, and an ice cube in the winter.
Will any of these fit on the paddle shifters of my Golf R? Or should I trade my car for one with a center console shifter? I do like the fact that all of the hoodies incorporate a Muff in their design, but they are too small to fit most appendages I have.
Your Golf R is now obsolete.
Sorry.
Please explain why you feel my R is obsolete (compared to what?)…and why you are sorry about that. Out of curiosity, what is the car you drive?
Would this help with shrinkage?
It shrinks? Why does it shrink?
I was in the pool.
I feel like I’d like to see these in other people’s cars.
Can I just say that this post’s opening picture of Torch burning his hand made me LOL!!!
These are re-branded Willy Warmers, aren’t they?
These’ll go great on the bike!
Finally, protection from getting a shift-pattern palm-tattoo on a hot-day!!
Can I blame the Autopian for missed shifts?
If so, Send me three!
“Merchandising, merchandising, where the real money from the movie is made!”
And last but not least! Autopian the doll, Torch: “May the chainsaw be with you!”
A pathetically under powered and dull battery chainsaw as used, is probably easier to ship than a Flamethrower.
“The Autopian merch page – the search for more money”
Money keeps the lights on and the site updated.
Mel Brooks quotes drive engagement.
I’m just hoping for “The Autopian: The Musical”.
Featuring classics like “Rust in the Wind”, “The Wheels on the RTS-II Bus Don’t Go Round and Round”, “Hot Rod Changli”, and everyone’s favorite, “On Top of Shower Spaghetti”.
Those are so cute! Delightfully tacky, but so cute.
I know I’ll lose my membership for admitting this, but neither of my cars has a manual transmission, and no, I don’t have a physical disability that would stop me from using one. The shifter on my Ford is a knob on the console, and on my Benz, it’s a lever on the steering column. So nowhere to put one. I still want one though.
My car’s an automatic because that’s what the first owner chose off the lot, and he sold it to me for a price I couldn’t turn down.
I’d usually just as soon it had a column shifter, but the manual-style knob (thankfully without a pretender shift boot) would be nice and warm with one of these.
I’m sorry pal. We’re going to need all your shower spaghetti Tupperware, your Member badge, and any pizza or shrimp you may have eaten in or under the auspices of The Autopian, Inc, The Autopian d/b/a Mack Hardigrew Mystery Novels: A Limited Liability Corporation, or Torchinsky Citröen & Electrical Services.
You can pry my shower spaghetti from my cold dead hands. The Tupperware you can have.
My GTI is an auto, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. DSG FARTS FOREVER!! Seriously, it’s my daily so the DSG is perfectly fine, great even. If I ever got a weekend fun car though, that would probably be manual.
Hold on hold on, dont rule out the Benz just yet! All you need are a couple zipties and the Autopian brand shifter hoodie can be permanently installed!
Done and done. My FR-S will never be cold again.
Oh my god, reading this made my day.
There have been so many great merch ideas posted in the comments over the years. All kinds of T-shirts, cards we could leave on cool cars, pins, hats, posters, etc. I’m not sure what this is for? I know I don’t need one. I love you guys and all but, really?
It’s clearly a data-driven decision. They have the numbers from the affiliate links. They literally know how many people went and bought one of that list from Matt’s wife was posted.
They’re for people whose cars have metal shift knob bits and live in places that get very cold of very hot.
Matt, does your shifter not get cold in MKE? Mine does. It’s an automatic though, so the discomfort to my bare palm is very brief.
It does, for sure, and hot in the summer. I have a Civic Si with a metal knob. This just feels like a missed opportunity to get some really good schwag that I (we) could wear around to spread the Good Word of The Autopian far & wide.
Hopefully this is just the first of many new mech opportunities to come! I wear my member shirts around MKE all the time.
I hope you’re right. This site could really up their merch game. Maybe I’ll see you around town!
If I buy one of these, will I still be able to park my car at the Wolfchase Galleria in Memphis, Tennessee, which bans hoodies?
Yes! We talked to the Mayor of the Galleria and got SPECIAL DISPENSATION
Excellent! You guys are great.
But what if I have one of those fancy push-button transmissions?
Or a column shifter?
What can I mount the little hoodie on?
With enough glue you can mount the hoodie on any stick or button you desire.
But what if I have one of those fancy push-button transmissions?
Well sir this will be a still be a fine addition!
Or a column shifter?
Come on now, don’t be a grifter.
What can I mount the little hoodie on?
Maybe on your magnetron?
Hoodie
What’s it called?
Hoodie
Once again
Hoodie
Well, if you have a certain type of genitalia…
What, no sepia-tone “before” footage of an attractive but not sexualized woman, being startled by/shaking her head ruefully at her Bullitt Mustang or similar shift knob??