Tomorrow is the one day of the year where you can dress like a slutty zombie with ragged clothes that barely cover your netherwhatsits and an entire can of SpaghettiOs decanted upon your head and held in place with quick-drying clear epoxy to look like exposed brains and go to all of your neighbors homes demanding candy without getting all those stupid letters and emails and phone calls from the HOA and everyone getting all bent out of shape because they felt “unsafe” and Mr.Whatshisface from the corner with his ugly fake-Tudor house yelling that I’m making his dumb kids cry even though I’m positive they’ve seen worse on the Tik-Toks or whatever and then the cops come and they just don’t get what I’m trying to do and the next thing you know there’s a cop’s knee in my back and everyone is staring and judging like somehow I’m the asshole here? I don’t think so.
What was I talking about? Why am I doing? Oh, right, Halloween! And you know what that means: it’s time for the latest batch of Official Autopian-Approved Car-stumes!
You know what car-stumes are, right? Of course you do. What are you, some kind of filthy animal? No, you’re an erudite person-about-town that knows a car-stume is a costume designed for your car, and they’re the absolute best way to go out on Halloween, because what kind of chump wants to walk? Drive, and put your car in a costume! It’s brilliant! So, with that in mind, please delight to the five most bestest car-stumes, as picked by the car-stume experts at the Autopian!
Ready? Too bad!
We’ll start with a nice, easy, fun one: it’s Rocky, the alien from the planet Erid, as seen in 2026’s feel-good space movie hit, Project Hail Mary. This large, eye-catching car-stume can be had in either foam rubber variants that are lighter but a bit less realistic, or cast concrete versions, which are much truer to Rocky’s mineral-based carapace, but some car-stume buyers may find the nearly 1100 pound weight inconvenient, as well as the near-guaranteed paint damage that will come from the large costume scraping on the car.
To get a little more car-focused – we are an Automotive site, after all – you could also go with this fantastic and wildly accurate car-stume of the new Jaguar Type 01 that was just unveiled this past year! Now you too can enjoy the sleek brutalism of Jag’s latest design direction, and enjoy all of the status and feeling without dropping a couple hundred grand for the real thing!
Remember that story yesterday about Liberty Mutual’s new mascot, and how everyone hates it? This simple, quick-to-install costume will let you show everyone what you think, provided what you think is that you’d like to harpoon the damn thing.
Probably the car event of the year that got the most attention was Tesla’s dramatic and stunt-filled reveal of their new Roadster, which used cold-gas thrusters to jump and somersault across a stage, dazzling everyone willing to not think about any of it with any depth at all, whatsoever. This car-stume clads your ordinary, boring car in an inverted Tesla Roadster, and four propane-and-fireworks-powered “thrusters” shoot blue flame and sparks and smoke into the sky for as long as you have propane! They’re loud and smoky as hell!
Dangerous? Probably. Dazzling? Positively!
Finally, we have our very first couples costume! So you’ll need two cars. The costume references 2026’s runaway documentary hit, You Can See Everything, and features large, piñata-grade heads of documentarian Nathan Fielder and the enigmatic Elizabeth Holmes re-creating their tense and strange scene that was famously featured in the trailer for the movie.
Each head is suspended on a spring-loaded, suction-mounted arm so they bounce and move with uncanny realism as you drive! You may want to practice your synchronized driving, but I promise you, it’ll be worth it!
Happy Halloween, everybody!
“Tomorrow is the one day of the year where you can dress like a slutty zombie with ragged clothes that barely cover your netherwhatsits…”
Nobody wants to see me do that!
Now back to reading.