Hey, Happy Halloween everybody! The day when we try to scare the crap out of ourselves and send our offspring out to demand candy from the locals, which we then confiscate and consume, using thin pretexts of being concerned for safety, like that thing about razor blades in apples, knowing full well shoving a razor blade in an apple is one of the best ways to guarantee no kid will encounter it. Carmakers have flirted with abject fear and terror before, and while Our Modern Age gets lots of feces about how all cars look so aggro, this isn’t really new. That’s why I want to show you the 1959 Buick, from the time when Buick decided they wanted their cars to scare the shit out of everybody.
I mean, look at the face on that thing! It’s not just aggressive, it’s actually malevolent. It’s not just grimacing, it’s making a lurid sneer quad-eyes locked on you, reveling in your fear, drinking in every terror-pheromone your body is pumping out, moments before it leaps upon you to drink your lymph.
It’s so incongruous-looking in these pictures, the top one, all Hello, Dolly-looking, and yet that looming, colossal black Buick is there, watching, waiting. Or in the picture just above here, a woman leaning happily against the car with her bouquet, unaware she’s bait for whatever poor soul walks within pouncing range of that Buick.
Things didn’t improve much as the car drove away from you, either. Look:
The rear has an evil visage, too, with angry red demon-eyes, moving away, but with an unspoken promise to be back. When you least expect it.
Even painted in butter-cream-yellow can’t hide the sinister nature of this thing. What were these designers thinking? Is there any other way to look at these things other than a huge machine that wants to watch you hurt?
In this brochure, they even use the tagline THE CAR, predicting that famous horror-car movie from 1977:
Honestly, the Buick is scarier than The Car.
Happy Halloween! Beware of the Buick!