Look online and you can find “best gifts for…” lists everywhere. They’re a fantastic resource and a great way to find special whatevers for the people you love in your life, but at the same time, they make me want to puke. Just violently regurgitate a whole torrential column of hot, chunky vom, like some revolting bile-filled geyser. Why? Not because they’re bad or anything, but because nobody seems to have the ‘nads to try to do the opposite, to really put some effort into finding the absolute worst, least desirable, really, deeply, un-wantable gifts for a particular group.
Until now.
Yes, for the first time on the Free Internet, we, the Autopian, will be compiling a list of the absolute worst gifts for the gearhead in your life. Which is likely also you, since you probably love cars, too, because you’re here. But let’s say you have to get a present for a fellow car-loving friend? What if they’re sick of all of your thoughtful, well-considered gifts and are ready for a real steaming pile of crap instead?
We got you covered. So now, please, thrill to this carefully curated selection of gifts designed to disappoint, disgust, and repel even the most ardent car-lover in your life:
Somehow, the Fuel Shark is still around! Remember the Fuel Shark? It’s this buttplug-shaped thing with a blue LED in it that you’re supposed to plug into your 12V socket, and it’ll magically make your car save gas, with the power of pseudoscience nonsense, while seemingly doing nothing. I debunked these idiotic things about a decade ago, and yet somehow you can still buy them.
Any true gearhead would be absolutely miserable to get a pack of these overpriced placebo-snake oil-dongles. The one thing they may truly enjoy, though, is how the image used in the Amazon page to sell these things includes a picture of a car.
A Tesla. A car that uses zero gasoline. So, what happens if you plug a Fuel Shark into a Tesla? Will it start to make gas? Fill the trunk up with 91 octane premium?
Anyway, these ridiculous plastic garbage-bulbs are guaranteed to disappoint!
What if the car lover you want to dismay is too jaded for Fuel Sharks, and demands something that, you know, costs more money? Then there’s a great option! One of these nearly $500 EMP Shields! They’re designed to protect your car in the event of an electromagnetic pulse, the kind that would happen if there was, say, a nuclear war.
I suppose they’re also supposed to help in the event of a massive solar flare or something like that, but, really, if this thing actually does anything – a pretty significant if – the use cases are all situations where civilization-ending sort of events happen. So, best case for this thing (it actually works) is also worst case for civilization at large.
A joyless gift, guaranteed to make anyone you give it to feel, at best, uneasy about the useless box they can install in their car.
Here’s something unfun for the automotive DIYer in your life! Give the gift of rust, wherever they may live! Why should all the poor saps who live in Michigan have all the luck? Thanks to this fantastic kit consisting of real sea salt and a top-notch spray bottle, you can bring the magic of debilitating rust damage even to the dryest parts of Arizona or New Mexico!
Just apply salty water generously to your car’s frame or body and just wait for that iron oxide goodness to take hold!
What car lover wouldn’t like to own an icon of motoring history? We all would! Well, maybe except for this one icon of automotive history, Ralph Nader’s influential book that doomed one of the coolest cars ever to come out of America, the Chevrolet Corvair. Sure, Nader has made a lot of very important points about keeping huge corporate power in check, but the Corvair was awesome, and I can’t forgive Ralph for that.
Just because he doesn’t know how to drive a rear-engined car, we all have to suffer? Please.
This book is guaranteed to end up forgotten about on the floor of your favorite car-obsessive’s bathroom.
You know what is at the very bottom of nearly every gearhead’s wish list? One-quarter of a rubber foot! And you can buy just such a fourth of a foot to give as the gift no one asked for! Ever!
Even your car-loving friends who also love feet, in more complex and erotic ways will likely not be remotely satisfied by this rubber foot, because 3/4 of the foot are missing! This satisfies no one!
What’s a car geek going to do with 1/4 of a rubber foot? Fuck-all, that’s what! They’re not putting this on their dashboard, they’re not keeping it in their tool box, they’re not going to set it up surrounded by their extensive collection of Hot Wheels.
They’re just going to open the box, see this, and look at you with a devastating mix of disgust and dismay! You’ll never get over it! This gift will make everyone feel weird and wrong! Guaranteed!
Who doesn’t love novelty parking signs? These have been a staple for people super into one particular kind of car, with signs that read things like CORVETTE PARKING ONLY or RESERVED FOR SKODAS ONLY or something like that.
But you know what would make one of these signs really undesirable? If, instead of a specific kind of car, the sign read CHRONIC BEDWETTERS ONLY!
Imagine this sign standing proudly in front of your driveway, reminding everyone in your neighborhood that, yes, your mattress is absolutely, constantly soaked with the shameful emissions of a lifetime bedwetter. Nobody wants this!
And finally, how about the gift that I suspect precisely zero car-obsessed people are hoping to get for the holidays this year: lutefisk.
Lutefisk, the Norwegian, um, “treat” that is made from dried cod and then soaked in lye, yes lye, is generously known as an “acquired taste” and is more known for having a “confusing and unpleasant texture and taste,” with many descriptions of the flavor suggesting it’s like an amalgam of fishy, soapy, and ammonia. So kind of like mixing Dawn and tuna can juice into a litter box, swirling it all together, and then somehow making it all slimy and soggy before going to town on it with a spoon.
If you know someone really, really into cars, and you decide to get them three and a half pounds of lutefisk, you will have failed.
Spectacularly. Bravo.
[Ed Note: We have embedded Amazon affiliate links, which means if you buy 19.5 pounds of lutefesk or anything else using those links we might get a commission. –MH]
(top image: Deposit photos, Auto-Union)
Why so negative? That 1/4 would be a lovely way to display your toe rings when not wearing them. Sure no one wants to advertise bed wetting but swap out your annoying neighbors Corvette only parking with this and see how long til he notices. As for the Lutefisk while tasting vile it fails in comparison to the exhaust fumes after consumption. Source King of the Hill, Bobby Hill in church episode light a match.
What, no Moe-spec rubber hippie daisy for your hood?
Grew up eating lutefisk my granny would make every holiday season in the U.P.
That’s some nasty shit…
You forgot the stick on deer whistles.
Lutefisk always makes me think of the Garrison Keillor Lake Wobegon story where the owner of the local seafood shop has to make it, once a year at Christmastime, in the trunk of his Ford LTD because if he does it in the store it kills all his other business and his wife won’t allow it in the house.
Being of Norwegian descent Lutefisk is the worst gift ever, um hold on Ratfisk is the worst gift ever. There is a reason they only eat them once a year, to remind them of how awful that stuff is, no amount of aquavit can fix that
It is the Norwegian version of fruit cake. No one consumes it they just regift it next year
An elderly Jason will kick himself for the signage when it late-life health issues come real for him later in life.
I would have added 11 mm sockets, because you all know you need 10mms at anytime
I’ve never seen a fastener with an 11mm head. OTOH, I’ve used 11mm tools plenty of times, when I can’t find my 7/16″.
Some bleeder valves, especially on remanufactured calipers, will be an 11 instead of something sane.
If I’m remembering right there have been exciting (read: stupid) developments in using strange sizes for trim and underbody screws. Definitely 7mm on the bottom of a 2022 Ford Escape. I will admit that the 11mm may have been me taking off a 7/16″ attending aftermarket fastener without my realizing it.
Reminds me the last time I flush my brakes. 3 of the old bleeder valves worked with 11mm and the last one wouldn’t fit. And a 12mm was too big. I thought I had stripped it. I went back and looked up what I installed years ago and found out it was supposed to be 7/16″.
Check their prostates
Doesn’t VW primarily use 11mm, 13mm, and 18mm along with 13 1/2 different sizes of torx bits?
mislabeled 11mm sockets as 10mm
Ok now that is cursed
And only fits a 5 sided fastener.
I’m going to push back on “Unsafe at Any Speed”
While the writing is very dry (I tried and failed to get through it when I was in high school), it was written by a lawyer after all, I found it really interesting when I went back to it as an adult. Very little of the book is actually about the Corvair, in case any of you didn’t know that. Just because I love cars, and I do love cars, doesn’t mean I don’t want to know about the instances in which an industry I care about was indeed in the wrong.
Educate yourself folks.
Anyways, it’s actually a hard book to buy. It’s long out of print, so used copies are rather expensive. I was able to get a copy from the library last year. I think it’s a worthy read for any enthusiast.
I read it (a library copy) some years ago and generally agree.
Also, Nader didn’t kill the Corvair, Lee Iacocca did. Once the Mustang proved that people preferred their sporty compacts with conventional engineering, Chevy went to work on their version (Camaro) and stopped putting any development money into the Corvair.
C’mon the original Mustang wasn’t a true Sports car it was a secretary car
I had a relative who watched the home shopping channel constantly and would send me sketchy home shopping channel style tools for Christmas. I still have most of them, and once in a great while I find a use for the adjustable socket wrench or the swivel ratcheting screwdriver.
My mom wasn’t a shopping channel buyer, but she did used to buy me some pretty … lets just say less useful than they seemed to her tools. I don’t think I have any of them anymore, but I do smile when I think about them.
They all work fine for stirring paint
Kenny G would love these!
Next year’s membership drive stunt: David and Jason must eat lutefisk while driving an affordable car with a manual transmission.
Great idea!
I say they must eat Lutefisk and stay in the vehicle for 48 hours.
I can’t wait for the follow-up article telling us how much money you make off the lutefisk affiliate link.
Hahaha, I can definitely do that (It’s $0 I bet).
I would dearly love to see next year’s annual membership income equalled by the lutefisk profits, but sadly I suspect you’re right. I am tempted to buy lutefisk for all of my Scandinavian relatives just to help out, but I think that might get me ostracized from family gatherings for good.
Actually, now that I think about it, maybe there are no downsides to this plan…!
And really is any Norwegian food any better. I watch Ghosts.
Now I have to order one.
Heh – lutefiliate
I was a member of a general car-related forum about 15 years ago. We did a Secret Santa gift exchange, and the limit was like $20. I sent something small and silly, but in return I got a new 90-something piece Craftsman socket set. Thanks for making me feel like a jerk, Secret Santa.
the 1/4 foot is actually a great gift for the gearhead.
the next time a passenger puts their sweaty, smelly, dirty feet on the dashboard, you can smack them with your own 1/4 foot until they act civilized.
Or you can get a gross of feet and dump them in the offenders car to see if they like feet everywhere.
Never read Nader’s book. Mabe I’ll check it out as it’s only a buck marked down from $5.95! Hey, wait a minute?! $69.25!! Man, I’m getting tired of online “vintage” crap.
What about… a Subaru Tribeca dimmer switch?
Or some bZ4X cologne, to impress the ladies with at your local The Fresh Market?
Whoa now, I don’t see a flared base! You’re in for a really awkward ER visit if you mess around with one of these.
One-in-a-million shot, doc!
Seriously, I just slipped and it ended up there!
The instructions said it was supposed to help with gas…
Without a base, without a trace….
Wise words.
Can’t hear lutefisk without thinking of poor Bobby Hill and the man with the terrible smell.
Add me to the ranks of people that think any gearhead should read Nader. Yeah, he was brutal (and unjustifiably so) on the Corvair, but that’s just one chapter of the book. A lot of the book is absolutely correct about how manufacturers were putting profits ahead of people, with an absolute disregard for safety. Cars of the period had dismal handling and notoriously under-powered brakes, among many other negatives.
Profits over people? Quick, someone give me some culture war bullshit to redirect my anger to.
Think I’ll actually check this out of the library. Can’t go wrong with free. And for some sick reason the borrowing limit at my library is 50 (FIFTY) items!!
I got it from my library last year. It’s worth a read. It’s very dry, but super informative.
Yes because we could eliminate traffic fatalities if we all just walked, drove no more than 10 mph, or drove tanks. Hate to tell you but everything is a decision of profit and damage. Medicine and side effects, plastic parts vs metal parts, pogo sticks vs stupidity, stuffed toy vs easy to swallow parts. Egg salad expiration date 3 days or 4 days. Playground equipment, rat milk vs cow milk etc
Oh won’t somebody please think of the children..
I live were Lutefisk is eaten during the holidays but did not grow up here. I have not developed a taste for old fish preserved in drain cleaner. It smells as bad as you would think it does AND the smell lingers. My kid’s girl scout troop used to get hired by the elks lodge to serve the holiday meal and she hated coming home smelling of it.
My grandparents were very proud of their Norse heritage but even they had the sense to recognize that lutefisk is a punchline, so I’ve never been served it.
My wife was excited to see a local event with a lutefisk supper, I phoned and made sure they had other food at the buffet. At the checkout there were eight in our party seven of whom had lutefisk, myself 3/4 Norwegian was the outlier
Any informed parties out that that can compare lutefisk to hakarl, the Iceland fermented shark “delicacy”? Even our Icelandic guide on our tour admitted that her kids hated it and that it was an acquired taste.
More of an adult taste. Ala fermented cabbage is a Korean dish that tastes good but kids don’t have the sophisticated pallets to enjoy it. Kim Chi is very popular even here in the states
As an adopted child in a Polish Family I hold the distinction of the one who eats the most kielbasa and has the most recipes for it as well. You won’t find a better pizza topping but you have to provide it to your favorite pizza parlor.
I suspect she was referring to adult children, but still, sounds like an acquired taste. Since you can’t eat this kind of shark (Greenland shark) without extensive, long preparation, you wonder who was desperate enough to figure it out and how they figured it out. Hmm, buried it in the sand for just one month, people still croaked when they ate it, let’s try two months!
Yum, kielbasa! Our housemate, who’s about half Polish, has a skillet dish involving kielbasa, potatoes, onions, brown sugar, vinegar or beer and I forget if there’s anything else. Tasty!
Kimchi is also tasty! True, probably not a fave of many young kids. Maybe if you grow up with it you’re more likely to like it sooner in life.
Pizza is big in Reykjavík, seafood on pizza seems popular there.
Hey, if you can’t figure out a way to entertain yourself (and others) with 1/4 of a rubber foot then you’re not trying hard enough. Much comedic potential.
This is a GREAT list of ideas for future Secret Santas!
I don’t like that the rubber quarter-foot exists, the photo makes it look huge, which makes it worse.
And why did somebody pull out the toenails?!
To send them to the family as proof of life…
Unsafe at any speed IS a good gearhead gift. It is really enlightening for the regulatory agenda that has come down upon many industries and not just automotive. There are still insights in that book that apply to today. Nader may have “killed” the Corvair, but it is an interesting and enlightening read for any auto enthusiast or regulatory enthusiast.
Also, fun fact, Nader doesn’t just not know how to drive a rear-engined car, he doesn’t know how to drive, period! He has never had a driver’s license.
I agree. It’s also written well, making it an engaging read, too. Admittedly it didn’t stop me from owning a Corvair before moving on to even sketchier vehicles but I can’t really blame Nader for that.
I keep trying to remember why the Corvair specifically received criticism, when I never hear about air-cooled VWs getting the same treatment in that book. Was it something with the suspension in the Corvair? Was it just easier to target the new kid on the block rather than the Germans who had been churning out rear engined cars for decades? I guess I should just pick up a copy for myself.
VWs, particularly swing-axle VWs, got the same treatment but the sequel from Nader’s Center for Auto Safety simply isn’t as well-known as Nader’s original book:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Small%E2%80%94On_Safety
Part of it was that most people who had air-cooled VWs at the time tended to drive them more sensibly and to be better aware of the limitations whereas Corvairs were considerably more powerful and marketed to people not so likely to drive as sensibly. Plus, for all their swingaxle faults Beetles weren’t *that* terrible at roadhandling, thanks in part to their modest HP and also thanks in part to some genuinely decent suspension engineering, swingaxles notwithstanding, whereas Corvairs and so many other American cars of the same era simply had atrocious roadhandling, period.
Years ago Jay Leno talked in an interview or in one of his Road & Track columns about an early or mid 60s Mopar muscle car he had as a teenager; he commented that if you took a highway exit ramp in that car at 36 mph where the posted speed limit was 35 mph it was game over for you. He was being a bit tongue in cheek but his point was that it was really easy to exceed the limits quickly in those American cars of the 50s and 60s whereas that was generally not so much the case with the European cars, even the swingaxle VWs.
That said, I do know about an equal mixture of people who rolled swingaxle VWs and swingaxle Corvairs (fortunately without any fatalities) though in the case of the VWs being under the influence was usually a factor whereas that was usually not the case with the Corvairs…
All of that makes sense, I’ve got an air-cooled Beetle but it’s a Super (McPherson strut front and independent rear) so it’s a very different experience. Haven’t driven an older swing axle VW but I can definitely see how it could change the dynamics. I just looked it up and didn’t realize the significant power gap between VWs and Corvairs, no wonder people got into trouble. A VW may not be the best handling car in the world but with ~50hp max it’s hard to achieve any real speed.
Yeah, and some Corvairs were actually *turbocharged* so one can imagine all the hell that breaks loose when the turbo kicks in after the initial lag, lol.
Yeah, I’ve mostly driven Super Beetles and baywindow buses though I’ve ridden in many an aircooled VW of older vintage so I don’t have first-hand experience with driving swingaxle Beetles though I did test-drive a ’64 Beetle convertible where I was actually impressed with its handling (but not so impressed with the seriously shady used car dealer, lol, hence not acquiring the convertible, alas.)
It’s most noteworthy how I know/knew so many more people who drove swingaxle VWs than those who drove swingaxle Corvairs yet there was about an equal number of rollover accidents between the two models among all these people, meaning the per capita rate of rollovers was far greater for the Corvair than for the Beetle…
Worth noting that the first several years of Corvair production heavily outsold the Beetle, so it was a much more common car, sold by a considerably bigger manufacturer at the time of publication.
Plus, GM was in the business of selling default cars to the sort of people who bought default cars, and then suddenly built something weird with a few baked in issues, which bit them in the ass.