Look online and you can find “best gifts for…” lists everywhere. They’re a fantastic resource and a great way to find special whatevers for the people you love in your life, but at the same time, they make me want to puke. Just violently regurgitate a whole torrential column of hot, chunky vom, like some revolting bile-filled geyser. Why? Not because they’re bad or anything, but because nobody seems to have the ‘nads to try to do the opposite, to really put some effort into finding the absolute worst, least desirable, really, deeply, un-wantable gifts for a particular group.
Until now.
Yes, for the first time on the Free Internet, we, the Autopian, will be compiling a list of the absolute worst gifts for the gearhead in your life. Which is likely also you, since you probably love cars, too, because you’re here. But let’s say you have to get a present for a fellow car-loving friend? What if they’re sick of all of your thoughtful, well-considered gifts and are ready for a real steaming pile of crap instead?
We got you covered. So now, please, thrill to this carefully curated selection of gifts designed to disappoint, disgust, and repel even the most ardent car-lover in your life:
Somehow, the Fuel Shark is still around! Remember the Fuel Shark? It’s this buttplug-shaped thing with a blue LED in it that you’re supposed to plug into your 12V socket, and it’ll magically make your car save gas, with the power of pseudoscience nonsense, while seemingly doing nothing. I debunked these idiotic things about a decade ago, and yet somehow you can still buy them.
Any true gearhead would be absolutely miserable to get a pack of these overpriced placebo-snake oil-dongles. The one thing they may truly enjoy, though, is how the image used in the Amazon page to sell these things includes a picture of a car.
A Tesla. A car that uses zero gasoline. So, what happens if you plug a Fuel Shark into a Tesla? Will it start to make gas? Fill the trunk up with 91 octane premium?
Anyway, these ridiculous plastic garbage-bulbs are guaranteed to disappoint!
What if the car lover you want to dismay is too jaded for Fuel Sharks, and demands something that, you know, costs more money? Then there’s a great option! One of these nearly $500 EMP Shields! They’re designed to protect your car in the event of an electromagnetic pulse, the kind that would happen if there was, say, a nuclear war.
I suppose they’re also supposed to help in the event of a massive solar flare or something like that, but, really, if this thing actually does anything – a pretty significant if – the use cases are all situations where civilization-ending sort of events happen. So, best case for this thing (it actually works) is also worst case for civilization at large.
A joyless gift, guaranteed to make anyone you give it to feel, at best, uneasy about the useless box they can install in their car.
Here’s something unfun for the automotive DIYer in your life! Give the gift of rust, wherever they may live! Why should all the poor saps who live in Michigan have all the luck? Thanks to this fantastic kit consisting of real sea salt and a top-notch spray bottle, you can bring the magic of debilitating rust damage even to the dryest parts of Arizona or New Mexico!
Just apply salty water generously to your car’s frame or body and just wait for that iron oxide goodness to take hold!
What car lover wouldn’t like to own an icon of motoring history? We all would! Well, maybe except for this one icon of automotive history, Ralph Nader’s influential book that doomed one of the coolest cars ever to come out of America, the Chevrolet Corvair. Sure, Nader has made a lot of very important points about keeping huge corporate power in check, but the Corvair was awesome, and I can’t forgive Ralph for that.
Just because he doesn’t know how to drive a rear-engined car, we all have to suffer? Please.
This book is guaranteed to end up forgotten about on the floor of your favorite car-obsessive’s bathroom.
You know what is at the very bottom of nearly every gearhead’s wish list? One-quarter of a rubber foot! And you can buy just such a fourth of a foot to give as the gift no one asked for! Ever!
Even your car-loving friends who also love feet, in more complex and erotic ways will likely not be remotely satisfied by this rubber foot, because 3/4 of the foot are missing! This satisfies no one!
What’s a car geek going to do with 1/4 of a rubber foot? Fuck-all, that’s what! They’re not putting this on their dashboard, they’re not keeping it in their tool box, they’re not going to set it up surrounded by their extensive collection of Hot Wheels.
They’re just going to open the box, see this, and look at you with a devastating mix of disgust and dismay! You’ll never get over it! This gift will make everyone feel weird and wrong! Guaranteed!
Who doesn’t love novelty parking signs? These have been a staple for people super into one particular kind of car, with signs that read things like CORVETTE PARKING ONLY or RESERVED FOR SKODAS ONLY or something like that.
But you know what would make one of these signs really undesirable? If, instead of a specific kind of car, the sign read CHRONIC BEDWETTERS ONLY!
Imagine this sign standing proudly in front of your driveway, reminding everyone in your neighborhood that, yes, your mattress is absolutely, constantly soaked with the shameful emissions of a lifetime bedwetter. Nobody wants this!
And finally, how about the gift that I suspect precisely zero car-obsessed people are hoping to get for the holidays this year: lutefisk.
Lutefisk, the Norwegian, um, “treat” that is made from dried cod and then soaked in lye, yes lye, is generously known as an “acquired taste” and is more known for having a “confusing and unpleasant texture and taste,” with many descriptions of the flavor suggesting it’s like an amalgam of fishy, soapy, and ammonia. So kind of like mixing Dawn and tuna can juice into a litter box, swirling it all together, and then somehow making it all slimy and soggy before going to town on it with a spoon.
If you know someone really, really into cars, and you decide to get them three and a half pounds of lutefisk, you will have failed.
Spectacularly. Bravo.
[Ed Note: We have embedded Amazon affiliate links, which means if you buy 19.5 pounds of lutefesk or anything else using those links we might get a commission. –MH]
(top image: Deposit photos, Auto-Union)
The left foot is more expensive than the right. I find this odd.
It gives better clutch feel
Major props to Torch for such a useful article, but this editor’s note has me rolling. I really hope Matt gets a fat Amazon commission check in the mail in January.
Lutefisk slander!
My brother and I stopped sending each other terrible gifts. His winning present: a silicone vajankle. Go ahead and give it a google on your not-work computer.
Real fun to open in front of the wife.
The 4.5 review rating on that Amazon listing for Lutefisk is exactly why I don’t trust Amazon reviews anymore.
I like the aftermarket heated steering wheel cover. A nice long cord, just a couple inches too short to allow a proper right turn without yanking the wire out of the plug and ruining it 5 minutes after installation.
How about getting someone an extended warranty? The beauty of this is you don’t have to actually pay for it. If the gift recipient tries to make a claim, their customer service experience will be the same as if you had.
Leaving that rubber foot on a co-worker’s desk or toolbox with no explanation, is a great way to permanently occupy a little part of their mind.
Especially if you have a second one to replace it the moment the original gets hidden or discarded.
Excuse me, that is a *1/4* rubber foot. You think Torch is some kind of unwashed, amateur gift giver/day ruiner?
A full rubber foot. Please.
I come from a family that eats pickled herring and fried smelts for the holidays but lutefisk is on a whole other level of gross. Blurring the line between food and bait.
Came here to see fuel shark- Torch did not let any suspense build at all. Delivered right out of the gate. Was disappointed the Turbonator and fuel magnets didn’t make the list this year.
Long time ago in Maine I served as the licensed driver so a friend could get his license. We took his Impala – nothing special, small V8 Powerglide sedan. The inspector flunked the car because it didn’t have a gas pedal, and all the parts store had that would fit the Chevy – a very common car at the time – was a stupid looking foot-shaped pedal.
The counter guy gave us the screws to screw the thing to the floor – the gas pedals in those cars worked simply by having the base attached to the floor, which pushed a metal rod. We had just used the bare rod. DMV accepted it, my friend got his license, drove home, and got rid of the foot. Got pulled over a couple of times, as teenagers will, but no cop, nor anyone at the yearly “safety” inspection, ever said boo about the lack of pedal.
I thought those things were only for 1970’s jet boats, with a big ole rat motor in the back. I remember thos from, when I was a kid.
The absence of surströmming in the comments is disappointing. A food so vile cans have to be opened under water to reduce the initial olfactory shock.
It is not disappointing at all if you have ever smelled lutefisk.
https://media1.tenor.com/m/zJvexdmTjA4AAAAd/im-doing-my-part-serious.gif
As an alternative to a rust kit, may I suggest a Rich Corinthian Leather tier membership, which includes ready-to-use rust from David? I wonder if you can request rust scraped off the J10.
If you like ludefisk you’ll LOVE Icelandic hákarl! Just listen to these celebrity reviews!:
“the single worst, most disgusting and terrible tasting thing”.
-Chef Anthony Bourdain
“Awful”, “like a jellied cube of ammonia”, albeit “technically edible”
– Jessica Hynes and Richard Ayoade
“smells of urine” , “a really strong aftertaste, it really kicks in. It really kicks in at the back of the throat after you take the first bite”
– Jeremy Wade
“like chewing a urine-infested mattress”
– chef Ainsley Harriott
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/H%C3%A1karl
Suggested pairing: Jeppon’s Malort
That’s quite the contrast with durian fruit which smells like a combination of vomit and excrement, but actually tastes quite nice.
Durian for dessert.
Random Chinese odb “preformance” or “fuel saver” device is always a terrible gift. On the other hand somehow the people sourcing Walmart stuff have trolled hobo freights troll items. 10mm gold plated socket set and gold ratchet.
“Hope you like crap”
Thanks Norm.
We watch You Tube clips of Norm MacDonald all the time! He really is the best.
https://youtu.be/BLiDn-OEgBw?si=dV7Gfl9-Ti0_7Hja
Agreed. Was (sad emoji).
Nice to know, I thought I was alone with that obsession 🙂
We often fall asleep to his You Tube clips. We saw him live in Irvine, CA just as the pandemic was starting. It’s hard to have a favorite. His visit with Conan O’Brien and Courtney Thorne-Smits is awfully funny.
https://youtu.be/bKmadR4Ye54?si=ovwkN3qWw7spui5n
Ah yes, the Swedes did make great cars, but DO NOT eat the food.
Well it WAS Norwegian, the Lutefisk. But do look up the Swedish Surströmming! 😀
Ah yes, surströmming. Banned by airlines because it’s technically an explosive:
https://www.mashed.com/1498085/surstromming-fermented-swedish-herring-airline-ban/
I’ve seen people selling little rubber fingers giving the ‘Jeep Wave,’ the foot could be a whole new spin on trend!
“ made from dried cod and then soaked in lye” that’s how you make olives edible, or make bacon fat into soap. Cod is pretty tasty on its own, or soaked in beer.
“Instant Ocean” I hope it says just add water on it somewhere.
I can’t believe I’m the first to think of this, but after shopping for shift knobs for a few months I’m getting that 1/4 foot stat
There’s a missed opportunity here! Put the salt and the spray bottle together in a box with graphics of rusting Jeeps, and put a round “seal” on it with “Endorsed By David Tracy” on an outer ring, with the big smiling face in the center!
“Taste o’ Michigan Home Rust Kit”
Useless Christmas gifts? How about another muscle cars of the 1960s coffee table book. I have about five of them. I love my family, I love my friends, but for the sake of all that’s holy, no more! Also, thanks for being the only car site that doesn’t tell us that a great gift is a $6,000 driver’s watch.
A $200 Seagull 1963 pilot watch makes a fine driver’s watch and has a pedigree way better than most $6000 watches:
https://seagull1963watch.com/products/seagull-1963-38mm-acrylic-glass-chronograph-watch?variant=40160550715575&msclkid=e702f3900f761b8459b59ab5400a8273
That’s a classy piece.
You piqued my interest and yes, that is a very nice, budget friendly watch.
I have a few. If you shop around you can find other watches with different faces, cases etc that use this same movement, a Venus 175 that has been improved over the years.
The story goes In 1963 the Chinese were looking for a chronograph for their air force and Venus, a Swiss maker of fine watches was looking to raise money for a new product line. So they sold their Venus 175 manufacturing line to the CCP and trained them how to make the movements. Venus btw had done the same thing with their 150 movement to the Russians spawning the Poljots. Both have been improved over the decades but their heritage is solid and frankly much more interesting than most.
My favorite is the black face, black dial version. It’s a reasonably close cousin of my two subdial 1963 Tag Heuer Carerra.
I think you mean Valjoux? At least IIRC that was who the Poljot bought the tooling from. As I remember they (Poljot) purchased the movement and tooling as Valjoux was discontinuing production.
Pretty much all mechanical chronos are Valjoux, or Valjoux based, including the Rolex Daytona.
I don’t know much about the Seagull 1963 except that it punches way above its weight, and purchase from Seagull, there are a lot of knockoffs out there.
I dunno about any Valjoux connection. I’m referring to this:
Origins: The Soviet Chronograph Project
East Meets West – Venus 150 Reborn
Swiss Foundation: The Soviet Union obtained the design and tooling for the Venus 150/152—a proven, Swiss column-wheel chronograph movement—just before it was retired by Venus. This gave Soviet engineers a shortcut to advanced chronograph technology.
Soviet Innovation: They didn’t simply copy it. The USSR increased jewel count (from 17 to 19 or 21), redesigned parts for local tooling, and reinforced the movement to meet military needs. The result was the Poljot 3017, one of the most mechanically sophisticated calibers ever produced behind the Iron Curtain.
Manufacturing Site: Production was undertaken by the First Moscow Watch Factory (1MWF), later renamed Poljot in 1964—a name that would become synonymous with Soviet aviation and cosmonautics.
https://dumarko.com/blogs/news/first-watch-in-space-strela-poljot-sekonda-3017-chronographs-decoded
“and purchase from Seagull, there are a lot of knockoffs out there.”
This is true, HOWEVER, some of those knockoffs are quite nice, especially the ones made by watch enthusiasts.
I stand corrected.. I recalled incorrectly.
This is true, HOWEVER, some of those knockoffs are quite nice, especially the ones made by watch enthusiasts.
Sure that’s fine, I’m referring to real knock offs with lesser movements.
It’s still a mechanical chronograph which if it works at all is impressive at that price. At that price I’d have expected a quartz movement which ironically would be a lot more reliable, nearly maintainence free and be much more accurate and had it been available in 1963 would have been eagerly adopted by the Chinese Air Force instead of this Venus.
Its also worth pointing out that this cheaper version is likely much more like those very early Chinese chronographs before they got the bugs worked out. Even with the help of Venus there would have been a learning curve. The original Seagull watch cases were not stainless steel but nickel plated brass. They looked fine when new but got beat up pretty quickly. The movements I imagine would have suffered similar issues.
My favorite homage watches based on this movement use recessed, snail etched pie pan subdials rather than simple painted circles on the face and an acrylic crystal, not sapphire. Those adds a bit of dimensionality to the watch which is nice. I’d also look for a good application of lume. Most of these seem to lack that.
It does? how do we know? I’d love to see how this was proven / test methodology.
Correction: The Ralph Nader book is only the second worst gift.
The worst is to gift them a sleepover at Ralph Nader’s American Museum of Tort Law in Winchester, Connecticut.
This year, we decided to prioritize experiences over things…
I have one of their t-shirts:
https://store.tortmuseum.org/collections/t-shirts/products/flaming-pinto-t-shirt-organic