If We Classified Cars By Vibes Instead Of Size, What Would The Categories Be?

The other day on Autopian Slack, the subject of vehicle categories came up, or at least what the EPA or NHTSA determines to be “size.” You know, the “full-sized” or  “mid-sized” versus “compact” classifications for buyers to use and “cross-shop” vehicles of the same “category.” These government organizations, I assume, fill cars with ping-pong balls or something and tell you how big the thing is based on interior space.

There was a disagreement amongst us as to whether the current Civic was a “compact” or “mid-sized,” which to a person of my advanced age was a bit of a joke. Seriously, to me a rear-drive B-Platform Caprice is “full-sized,” something like a Camry (or the Australian Caprice) is barely a mid-sizer, and anything smaller is a compact at best. I’m so sick of asking for a “full size” at Enterprise and getting a Jetta or some such tin can. This is America, dammit!

Regardless, one of our newer contributors chimed in with his own opinion on categories:

Wow, this guy is a genius (actually, his education and credentials prove this out, but the fact that he can play dumb- ass Slack games is more indicative of his genius). This type of “vibes” categorization is exactly what we need today; a way to let us make a choice based on how a car will make us feel or, more importantly, what sort of aura it will give off to people that see us driving it.

A set of “vibe” categories makes far more sense than some stupid size parameters. Seriously, in the late eighties the spacious Saab 9000 was classified by the EPA as a full-sized car; the other cars in its category were all American land yachts like a Panther-chassis Ford Crown Vic. Forget what the EPA says; those cars are cheese and chalk; a Saab and a Vicky don’t belong in the same category of anything.

No, the big Ford fits in the Church Bingo Parking Lot Vibe class with vehicles such as 3800 V6-powered Buicks; reliable-as-death-and-taxes old school domestic iron. These are cars driven to “early bird specials” and to urologist appointments an hour early “in case there’s traffic” at 11 AM. The Saab, on the other hand, is squarely in Eames Chair Owner Vibe territory with a U.S.-spec Peugeot 505 or Alfa 164; a car which says that you’re going to a Vietnamese restaurant tonight on the way to some art house film festival or gallery opening.

What “vibe” category cars do I purchase? I almost always become the second owner of five-to-seven-year-old European or Japanese “brand name” cars like a Mercedes W126 sedan, Lexus SUVs or the BMW wagon that I have since sold onto Mercedes Streeter (below).

These rides of mine sadly fit into the category of WASP Mom Vibe; something a rather snotty textbook-Karen dentist’s wife might drive. I can say for a fact that someone similar to the woman below was the original owner of each and every one of my cars:

I don’t want to select a car based on some “interior volume” stats, which are often misleading, as much as I want to choose a vehicle for lifestyle purposes. Let’s say I want a car to make me attractive to a bookish, rather sarcastic Winona Ryder-in-Reality Bites type (I mean, who wouldn’t want such a lady?). That would require a Boulder Used Bookstore Vibe category automobile such as a Subaru Crosstrek in that weird grey/blue/green color, an older Outback, a faded-paint FJ80 Land Cruiser or, better yet, a rare diesel-powered Volvo 2-series wagon with a big dent in the tailgate.

See how this works? Useful, categories for car shopping, right? How about some vibe categories from you? Speaking of that, what vibe category would a Pontiac Vibe be in, anyway?

Top graphic image: Bring A Trailer