My Wife Got Messed Up On Anesthesia And Tried To Buy The Last Car You’d Expect

It’s sometimes hard for a car enthusiast to make sound financial decisions, even when they’re not under the influence of anything. Look, I have like 13 or 14 cars or something, I know what it’s like to spend money that I should probably put into savings or investments. Yet, I just learned of a new danger to the car enthusiast. If you happen to have your phone on you after you get a major surgery, you might just make a bad choice. My wife just tried to buy the car I least expected while in a haze from anesthesia.

Before I continue, I just want to note that the surgery that Sheryl had was a very good one. It was a smashing success, and recovery is going very well. Sheryl also told me to write this story because, honestly, we both can’t stop laughing about it. But also, maybe we might help someone from accidentally making a huge mistake.

A few weeks ago, I wrote about how my mom hates Sheryl’s iQ. Well, it’s not just mom, but also most of her clients, in addition to the judges she appears in front of in courts, and the opposing counsel on the other side. Seriously, basically everyone hates this car but Sheryl and I. My mom more or less chewed Sheryl out for a whole dinner about how much she thinks the car is disrespectful and degrading. Sheryl also lost a lucrative contract purely because of the car. Most recently, someone told Sheryl that her car is “performative poverty.”

To be clear here, Sheryl does not drive this little car because she wants to pretend to be poor. She is the only lawyer in Illinois who offers a “name your own price” model. This means a lot of people never pay a dime for her services. The way she sees it, the less money she spends on cars, the more money she can spend on her clients. If you want more context, feel free to read my story about this by clicking here.

The unfortunate reality is that the iQ sits in a weird place. People once thought of it as cute and weird, but now they hate it. It’s hurting her reputation and might impact her cases. Whether we like it or not, people want my wife to drive a luxury car. Weirdly, they don’t seem to care how old it is, so long as it’s a sort of prestige brand. The other problem is that, as I’ve written pretty extensively, the iQ hasn’t been as reliable as desired. So we’ve been on the hunt for a different car.

The Search

I love shopping for cars. I mean, my saved list on Facebook Marketplace is so huge that I used to write about my finds every week. I still collect Marketplace listings and love it when I’m challenged to find cars. The way that I see it, if Sheryl is going to get another car, maybe it should be something that both fits the prompt and is something she actually wants to drive.

My wife has a bucket list of cars that she’d love to own one day. That list includes a Lexus LS400, a BMW E39 wagon, a Lexus LX470, a Toyota Avalon, a Subaru Legacy, a Mazda3, a Mazda6, a Hyundai Genesis, a Subaru BRZ, a Chrysler 200C, a new Honda Prelude, a Hyundai Azera, a Hyundai Equus, a Ford Maverick, and a slew of 1990s floaty sedans from General Motors.

I bought Sheryl an Oldsmobile LSS once, and some people actually loved that car and considered it to be a classic. However, for reliability reasons, we will not be considering another old GM front-driver. Also, any car that she buys has to be trusted to drive about 30,000 miles a year, and it would feel wrong to do that to a beautiful survivor.

A part of Sheryl also just wants to keep the iQ because it seems silly to get rid of a working vehicle and spend a bunch of money just to appease the haters. She’s sort of been spinning her wheels about her car situation. On one hand, a more luxurious car would get people off her back. On the other hand, maybe the haters should just deal with it and move on with their lives.

So, I have no idea if or when the iQ will be replaced. Sheryl just can’t seem to make a decision in either direction. Well, Sheryl couldn’t when she’s thinking clearly. But then came her surgery.

What Does Anesthesia Brain Think?

Everything went well with the surgery, and time passed pretty quickly last Tuesday. I had just enough time to write two stories before I got the message that I could visit my wife in her little recovery room. The room had a pretty neat view of the ebbs and flows of Chicago traffic on I-290.

Sheryl was supposed to be in the hospital for a week, but would be released early on Thursday. Temperatures were expected to drop to -17 degrees Fahrenheit, and the hospital didn’t want to keep any patient who was capable of recovering at home.

It was Friday evening when Sheryl piped up about doing something embarrassing. Apparently, not long after I left her room, she woke up and, while still blasted out of her mind, had whole conversations with the hospital staff. Then, once she was left alone for the night, she opened some tabs on Carvana. At some time around 10 p.m. or so, she made a purchase, or so she thought.

My wife sheepishly admitted to buying a 2011 Hyundai Genesis from Carvana while on anesthesia drugs. Apparently, she didn’t remember doing this. The events of Tuesday were a blur to her. When she woke up on Wednesday morning, she noticed an email from Carvana that confirmed her purchase. Initially, she thought she had her identity stolen. But then she realized that it was her card and the delivery address was our apartment. So, if someone stole her identity, it was to buy her a car that she wanted.

She then closed the email app and didn’t look at Carvana again. When I took a look, I noticed that, thankfully, she did not buy a Genesis. Instead, she merely put in a refundable pre-order for one that had just entered Carvana’s inventory.

Then, we started realizing how silly this whole thing was. Sheryl was basically high out of her mind with an entire Internet of cars at her disposal. Had she wanted to, she could have spent a ton of money in that hospital bed. She could have reserved a new car or placed an order for a car that was in stock. Instead, somehow, with a brain running in limp mode, she made the conscious decision to replace the iQ. But she didn’t choose an expensive BMW or any of the more flashy cars on her bucket list.

Instead, she chose a Hyundai Genesis. But even that is absurd because her anesthesia brain clearly made some choices in finding the exact Genesis. She chose a sedan with the 3.8-liter V6, and then chose the cheapest one at Carvana, which landed at $10,990. I couldn’t stop laughing at how, even when my wife’s inhibitions were lowered, she still tried to make a logical and reasonable choice. I’ve made some really stupid purchases while under the influence, including a whole camper for $5,000. Yet, here she is being surgical (so to speak) with her bad ideas.

She even had a reason for choosing Carvana. While Carvana might have a reputation for causing tons of headaches, Sheryl’s last experience with Carvana couldn’t have been better. The process was seamless, delivery was free, the financing terms were decent enough, and the car, a 2010 Toyota Prius, was the most reliable vehicle she ever had. The only reason we don’t have that car now is that we loaned it to a friend who figured out how to cause double the vehicle’s value in damage by hitting a curb and a deer at high speed on separate occasions.

For further context, Sheryl’s body is allergic to nearly all painkillers and cannot process “fun” things like alcohol or recreational stuff. She was popping Tylenol to relieve the after-surgery pain. This also means that she will never be drunk. The only time she will ever be “intoxicated” in her life is for the period after a surgery, before the anesthesia wears off.

Sheryl was deeply embarrassed and thought I would be disappointed in her, but I was deeply amused. I once purchased a lamp from the SS United States (above) when drunk. Here she was trying to solve her car problem! Besides, it was merely a refundable pre-order, so no real harm was done.

Maybe She Was Onto Something

… But that did leave us with a question about actually going through with it. I planned on buying her a car with cash, and I could have made the numbers on the Hyundai work. I pitched the question to the Autopian Discord, the Autopian Slack, and the Opposite-Lock car enthusiast forum. Most people thought that while Sheryl’s bucket list has better, more luxurious cars on it, there are worse choices out there than a Genesis V6.

But was it wise to go through with a purchase made when she wasn’t in a good frame of mind? Ultimately, we decided to pass on the car. I figured that if we’re paying cash, we could save some money by buying private-party. If she wants to finance, then I think she would want a newer, nicer car with fewer miles. However, we have come to the conclusion that, clearly, she has a soft spot for South Korean luxury, so we’ll keep that in mind as the car search continues. Maybe she’ll end up with an Equus, who knows!

One comforting thing was that, after we posted about Sheryl’s anesthesia goof, we learned that buying stuff while under anesthesia is a thing that happens. We heard stories about people who followed through with purchasing cars, collectibles, and piles of things that these people would have never bought with clear minds. Apparently, some hospitals advise patients to either avoid large purchases while recovering or to keep their phone just far enough out of reach. Sheryl didn’t get such advice, and I doubt it would have made much of a difference.

Still, I can’t stop laughing at how, even when her brain was totally cooked, my wife somehow went through a sort of decision tree to replace her iQ with a more luxurious car that was still cheap and reasonable. She could have picked a new BMW! But nope, just a 15-year-old Hyundai.

Things could have gone worse had the car been ready for sale. Carvana lets you go through with a purchase without ever leaving your chair. But even if you ignore the whole Carvana thing, there are plenty of things a car enthusiast can easily blow thousands of dollars on from their hospital bed if they’re not careful. Maybe you might try to buy that exhaust you’ve always wanted, or blow a bunch of dough on a turbo kit. The possibilities are endless.

So, if you like cars and get a major enough surgery, stay away from your phone. At the very least, don’t keep your card information nearby or something like that. If you don’t, who knows? Maybe a tow truck will drop off a car that you don’t remember buying.

Top graphic image: Hyundai; DepositPhotos.com; I Nyoman Putrayana/Vecteezy