We don’t do these sorts of Public Service Announcements very often, but occasionally there’s something happening in the news cycle that may have an under-appreciated automotive angle that we feel isn’t being adequately covered, and I think that is the case now. Currently, there’s a lot of discussion on social media that the Rapture – an Evangelical Christian eschatological event where Christians on Earth will be taken up into heaven – is about to happen, perhaps today or tomorrow. If this proves to be the case, there are a number of automotive-related issues that need to be addressed.
Now, the generally accepted method of how the Rapture will take place involves people being physically lifted up into the sky, sometimes leaving their clothes behind, sometimes not. There’s not really a consensus there. But everyone does seem to think it’ll just happen fairly suddenly, though a sort of warning trumpet may predicate the rising of people into the sky, at least according to 1 Thessalonians 4:17:
“For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever.”
As this is not my belief system, I’m not likely to be raised into heaven, but just on the off chance it happens, we believe there are certain precautions we believe one should take if you happen to be in a car or driving at the time. This sort of practicality may seem odd, but there’s many people thinking along similarly practical lines:
@stopwiththebuttholecramp Day 3 of #rapture prepping. #Christian #missingpeople #christiantiktok #jesus ♬ original sound – Melissa Johnston
So, with this in mind, we’ve come up with a few very basic rules to consider while driving if you feel you are a likely candidate to be raptured. As far as your likelihood to be Raptured, I’m not qualified to say, but I suspect you’d know?
Anyway, here are the basic rules:
1. If your car has a sunroof or convertible top, keep it open.
I can’t stress this one enough; there’d be nothing worse than getting raptured and just being smushed up against the headliner of your car, the dome light pressing against your face. I don’t know how much force may be used to pull people into heaven, but it’s possible in a car without an opening roof, you may end up lifting the whole car off the ground and into the sky, with the whole 2,000-plus pounds of car supported by you against the roof, which sounds painful.
If you must drive, find a car with some manner of opening roof. If this is simply not an option, keep the window down and angle your head out the window so you can slide out that way should you be Raptured.
2. Drive in the slow lane, next to the shoulder, and be prepared to bring your car to a safe stop.
This is very important for everyone who may get left behind, so please be a courteous Rapturee. Drive like you’re about to be Raptured, which means slowly, near the side of the road or the shoulder, with one hand on your gearshift. Once you hear the trumpets or feel yourself getting pulled up into the sky, start to steer onto the shoulder or side of the road, put your car in neutral, and apply the brakes. If at all possible, come to a complete stop, but at the very least, get your car out of gear so it doesn’t keep driving as you ascend to heaven.
3. Keep your hazard lights on.
This may be the simplest, yet most helpful thing you can do: warn other drivers to be aware that at any moment, your car could become an empty missile of wanton destruction. Keeping your hazards on will let people know to be careful and keep their distance.
4. (Bonus, it’d just be nice) Keep all your car’s maintenance records handy and out in the open in case anyone takes your now-abandoned car after you’re gone.
If you’re Raptured away, you’re not going to need your car anymore, so why not do us all a solid and leave any maintenance records, spare parts, notes about your car’s quirks and any modifications right there on the passenger seat or something so that when you’re up there in heaven, whomever happens to get your car will know how to best take care of it. That’s what you’d want, right?
As a non-automotive aside, I might suggest avoiding interior spaces with large ceiling fans, because it’d be a real shame to get julienned right before you ascend into the beyond, right?
I’m not saying the Rapture actually will happen or, for that matter, won’t, but it never hurts to exercise a little bit of driving caution, just in case!
Good luck out there!
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sorry I can’t really enjoy the auto humor because I’m just too flummoxed by the apparently earnest rapture prep tiktok video embed from the “Christian, wife, mother” whose username is “stopwiththebuttholecramp.” Not that butthole cramp isn’t an issue for christian wives and mothers or that they should have to continue suffering from it but i’m struggling to put all these pieces together. Maybe if you were suffering from unresolved butthole cramp you would have a strong interest in being raptured?
By the way, if/when the Rapture happens, I certainly hope the world doesn’t suddenly begin to mimic The Leftovers.
The world is weird enough, but that show was terrifyingly ridiculous.
You can actually see the moment the Escort’s soul leaves its body.
HEY!!! What y’all doing down there!?!
I thought the rapture was what happens when you orgasm. Sometimes with clothes off, sometimes with clothes on. If you’re in a car at the time, please don’t leave a mess.
I just read this headline to my son and he said if you keep them closed you might get to take your car with you, so something to consider.
Yes, I was thinking the same thing! Maybe we need to drive a light car…perhaps all Miata’s go to heaven?
All snark aside, I’d be much happier if the Rapture took the people calling themselves Christians but acting nothing like one.
Do you think I want to be left on this God-forsaken rock with Cheeto Gordito and his Faithful Followers?
When I first moved to the US, me and my family were deeply confused by the not uncommon bumper sticker which read “In case of rapture, this car will be unmanned”.
Had never heard of the concept, in my country religion is a historical quirk and something you might celebrate as part of your heritage, absolutely not something that has any meaning or impact on our daily lives. Also, my English skills, while good, did not include Biblical concepts. I thought rapture was the same as rupture, but that didn’t help explain the sticker – if the car ruptured, then at least the front half should have remained manned.
Lastly, if I have understood anything of the teachings of Jesus, it’s that the sanctimonious ones who brag about their relationship with god are not particularly likely to make it upstairs.
Please check out josh mindemann Video about the rapture happening, and how good it was for the rest of us
Oh, and happy new year!
At college a friend would wear a chauffeur’s cap and a T-shirt that read:
Shana Tova!
Don’t forget to blow your chauffeur!
That’s car related, right?
…I’m not Jewish, but I don’t think that’s the word that belongs there. That seems… misleading!
Hmm, could that mean that Mr Kirk wasn’t assassinated but an early Rapture participant? So, instead of waiting to rise when the trumpets sound, the rest of us should DUCK!
The part about the dead people flying through the air is a bit concerning. If you are traveling to NYC, keep in mind that that the approach to LaGuardia goes over a half dozen major cemeteries.