We don’t do these sorts of Public Service Announcements very often, but occasionally there’s something happening in the news cycle that may have an under-appreciated automotive angle that we feel isn’t being adequately covered, and I think that is the case now. Currently, there’s a lot of discussion on social media that the Rapture – an Evangelical Christian eschatological event where Christians on Earth will be taken up into heaven – is about to happen, perhaps today or tomorrow. If this proves to be the case, there are a number of automotive-related issues that need to be addressed.
Now, the generally accepted method of how the Rapture will take place involves people being physically lifted up into the sky, sometimes leaving their clothes behind, sometimes not. There’s not really a consensus there. But everyone does seem to think it’ll just happen fairly suddenly, though a sort of warning trumpet may predicate the rising of people into the sky, at least according to 1 Thessalonians 4:17:
“For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever.”
As this is not my belief system, I’m not likely to be raised into heaven, but just on the off chance it happens, we believe there are certain precautions we believe one should take if you happen to be in a car or driving at the time. This sort of practicality may seem odd, but there’s many people thinking along similarly practical lines:
@stopwiththebuttholecramp Day 3 of #rapture prepping. #Christian #missingpeople #christiantiktok #jesus ♬ original sound – Melissa Johnston
So, with this in mind, we’ve come up with a few very basic rules to consider while driving if you feel you are a likely candidate to be raptured. As far as your likelihood to be Raptured, I’m not qualified to say, but I suspect you’d know?
Anyway, here are the basic rules:
1. If your car has a sunroof or convertible top, keep it open.
I can’t stress this one enough; there’d be nothing worse than getting raptured and just being smushed up against the headliner of your car, the dome light pressing against your face. I don’t know how much force may be used to pull people into heaven, but it’s possible in a car without an opening roof, you may end up lifting the whole car off the ground and into the sky, with the whole 2,000-plus pounds of car supported by you against the roof, which sounds painful.
If you must drive, find a car with some manner of opening roof. If this is simply not an option, keep the window down and angle your head out the window so you can slide out that way should you be Raptured.
2. Drive in the slow lane, next to the shoulder, and be prepared to bring your car to a safe stop.
This is very important for everyone who may get left behind, so please be a courteous Rapturee. Drive like you’re about to be Raptured, which means slowly, near the side of the road or the shoulder, with one hand on your gearshift. Once you hear the trumpets or feel yourself getting pulled up into the sky, start to steer onto the shoulder or side of the road, put your car in neutral, and apply the brakes. If at all possible, come to a complete stop, but at the very least, get your car out of gear so it doesn’t keep driving as you ascend to heaven.
3. Keep your hazard lights on.
This may be the simplest, yet most helpful thing you can do: warn other drivers to be aware that at any moment, your car could become an empty missile of wanton destruction. Keeping your hazards on will let people know to be careful and keep their distance.
4. (Bonus, it’d just be nice) Keep all your car’s maintenance records handy and out in the open in case anyone takes your now-abandoned car after you’re gone.
If you’re Raptured away, you’re not going to need your car anymore, so why not do us all a solid and leave any maintenance records, spare parts, notes about your car’s quirks and any modifications right there on the passenger seat or something so that when you’re up there in heaven, whomever happens to get your car will know how to best take care of it. That’s what you’d want, right?
As a non-automotive aside, I might suggest avoiding interior spaces with large ceiling fans, because it’d be a real shame to get julienned right before you ascend into the beyond, right?
I’m not saying the Rapture actually will happen or, for that matter, won’t, but it never hurts to exercise a little bit of driving caution, just in case!
Good luck out there!
Support our mission of championing car culture by becoming an Official Autopian Member.
I was hoping it was like a national sale on sporty F-150s, but alas.
Also, that rapture prepped lady’s screen name is stopwiththebuttholecramp, which sounds a little sinful to me.
Most here have nothing to worry about.
Nothing to do with the rapture, but I always internally laugh at people who have convertibles and don’t have the top down on a nice day. When I had my NA Miata, the top was always down unless it was an absolute downpour or parked.
I was driving up 129 today to Blairsville, great mountain road that probably compares to the tail of the dragon (never driven it…yet) aside from length and there were a bunch of mustangs and BWW’s with their convertible tops up. Why? It was 71 degrees with barely any humidity. Put that top down and get taken to heaven, I mean enjoy the drive!
Every time I go somewhere with the top up and someone passes by with their top down, I feel like the humbug ex-boyfriend at the end of a Hallmark movie.
Agreed with two add ons:
Floridian can attest, best time for top down is evening and night driving on a1a, so worth having a convertible in FL
OH! MY! GOD! It’s maddening!
Perhaps the Autopian could start a car-care service to sell to the faithful, like this pet care one? Either way, שנה טובה!
And despite the few comments I’ve made on this article, I hope we stick to cars, and not politics or religion.
But Happy Rosh Hashanah, Jason.
L’Shana Tova David and how ironic that you are writing about rapture. We stuck here, they fly into the sky. By by
Well, when/(if) it happens, and you stop seeing posts from me, Matt, David and whoever else identifies as Christians, you will know where we are. Wherever Heaven is.
Jesus can take the wheel, but I’ll do my best in the meantime. I’ll try to pull over to the shoulder with my right blinker on. I have a moonroof, so I’ll try to not bump my head on the way up.
So many military people have ended up in really bad shape and not buried intact in coffins. I believe that God can handle that. There’s a discounted quote from C.S. Lewis, along the lines of “you’re not a body with a soul. You’re a soul with a body.”
Apparently apocryphal, but I like it.
Anyway, thanks for the PSA/Heads up (pun intended). Glad you survived your aortic event.
So what happens when I’m driving my Camaro 6G in a spirited way around Hell, MI or Tail of the Dragon? Not sure I’d fit out my sunroof even with it open, so that means I take the car with me? Or… get pulled apart like a horror movie? ?
If it’s gonna happen, I wish it would just happen already. Those people annoy me as a general rule, and I will be perfectly happy when they are gone. Certainly myself nor none of my friends will be floating away to heaven, so I am not worrying about keeping my top down or sunroof open.
I always enjoy reading your comments. Despite being one of “those people.” Hope I don’t annoy you with my comments.
LOL – nope, not at all. And thanks!
Just keep posting from your heart/mind. You do well.
I am exactly the same in person as I am online. Possibly slightly scary, that. 🙂
Likewise. Maybe more fun in a bar. Cheers!
I do really enjoy that there are so few trolls on this site. (Knock on wood.)
Even Fred’s TDI Club had more of that than here.
Indeed – it’s a very good group here (I have long given up on the “other” car blog that begat Autopian). A few oddballs for spice, but I think ALL car people are a little bit strange. I certainly am!
“We’ll All Be Rolling Coal in Heaven” – Southern Baptist Hymnal p.45
Ah the ignorant of the rapture. First the body doesn’t go just the soul. Second traffic and a history report is the least of your worries. This is the zombie apocalypse bitch. Souls ripped from the bodies of nonbelievers, after a few months people eating flesh of the newly dead because no power all meat is rotten except new flesh. As the grid shuts down all EVs stop working only ICE works but roads are blocked the power grid is down even ICE won’t operate because pumps won’t work. Yes there will be many upset they didn’t listen in the coming of the apocalypse. Especially considering no one will be producing toilet paper. Do you remember how bad toilet paper was to get when they were still making it?
I heard only the unemployed and homeless get raptured.
Top down windows up, that’s the way I like to… get raptured?
I’m going to miss my wife when I’m left behind.
“eschatological”
Something to ponder, that term’s similarity to “scatological”…
What a few letters difference make.
I am a Christian and was raised to believe in the Rapture and that it could happen at any time. I remember songs like “You’ve been left behind” and books like “The Late Great Planet Earth”
I’m still a Christian, but no longer believe that the Rapture will happen as talked about in those Christian books, songs and movies. Let me explain as best I can in as short a post as possible.
In the Prophies about the End Times, there are times that the Prophet is specifically told to NOT tell what he saw. This happens in Daniel right in the middle of some statements that are used to calculate the day of the Rapture and happens in Revelation (another key book for the End Times writers) as well.
The problem in a nutshell is that when non-Christians read all this stuff about the Rapture, they think Christians aren’t playing with a full deck. The way I read the Bible, this is absolutely correct. God has intentionally not given enough information in the prophecies to figure out the End Times.
The Bible is clear that that knowing the details of the End Times isn’t what being a Christain is about. Christians are supposed to get to work doing good things for everyone. I’m going to focus on Loving God and Loving Others and doing things that show this love in practical ways rather than figuring out the unknowable.
Now, I might be another Christian that gets the End Times wrong and the Rapture will occur as I drive around looking for cat food. My car doesn’t have a sunroof, so I’ll just have to trust that he can figure out how to work a can opener if he needs to.
Raised Catholic, been to a few other churches over the years. What most boggles my mind is the Evangelical belief that true belief in Christ as Savior essentially absolves all sin. Nevermind leading a meaningful, giving life for oneself and others. I believe in The Savior (yet uphold none of his teachings). I’m being Raptured! Where are the hookers and blow?
I would call myself a Roman’s 7 Christian. I want to do good, but there is something inside me that does the opposite. This is where most believers live most days. We know right from wrong but do wrong more than we should. What has been transformed is our basic desire in that we want to do good.
The transformation is when I believe Romans 8:1. I am not condemned for my misdeeds. This means I can be free to do what I want to do. Which is good stuff. I can have all the hookers and blow I want when I remember this because I don’t really want any of either. I think the Catholic confession would work to remind me of the forgiveness that Christ gives when asked.
The Christian that says I can do anything is trapped in their sinfulness and addictions. The ones that think there is nothing but rules are also trapped in trying to be good and failing. The one that has their desires transformed so much that they do good automatically is what the goal is.
Fellow fallen C. Now reform Jew. Truth is the really are not playing with a full deck.
I’m an atheist but was brought up Southern Baptist, we were taught something similar that amounts to the same thing: no one will know when it happens. Despite this I had several Sunday school teachers assure us that they knew it was “coming soon” which, you know, isn’t great to lay on an eight year olds conscience.
This Old Testament Atheist is quite convinced that nobody who believes in any religious bullshit is playing with a full deck. <shrug>
I just try to live by the Golden Rule as taught in Kintergarten. Anything beyond that is unnecessary.
I was raised Church of England, and was brought up to believe that you should be nice to people.
That was pretty much it really, I don’t think you even need to be religious to be CofE. There was certainly no assumptions that the bible was anything other than a book of stories, that were inspired by god, but not literally true.
Considering it’s technically an official state religion, it’s pretty laid back.
(I’m not religious any more, but I like to think the ‘be nice to people’ stuff stuck)
I was raised Cranky Baptist (none of it stuck) and was compelled spend hours listening to people who thought they had the whole Rapture, Tribulation, and Millennium allllllll figured out. None of their flowcharts contained Step 1.1.1.7.3 Open Sun Roof. Seems like an oversight now.
Also, John The Revalator had access to some amazing psychoactive something.
I for one am looking forward to the rapture, as my prophet Blondie once said:
If anyone wants to join for some post-raputure looting/dog petting, hit me up
But … Disney said all dogs go to heaven.
The prophecies were not clear about the timing of doggy rapture relative to human rapture is…
I wonder how many of the faithful Elon is going to wipe out with his damned Starlink swarms. They’re going to be like heavenly caltrops.
Ha!