Stellantis has been a punching bag for a while now. Some of the criticism is fair, but not everything is bad. Stellantis still has some cool wins, like a new generation of Ram trucks and the electrified Jeeps people have been into so much. Besides, every automaker has a bad time from now and then, look no further than GM’s struggles with its 6.2-liter V8s. That aside, it’s still hard not to laugh at these jokes.
Matt wrote a story about how the “New Stellantis CEO Has One Shot To Save Chrysler, Jeep, Dodge, Ram And A Bunch Of Other Brands.” It looks like readers hung on that “one shot” part. Ash78:
What if you had one chance, one opportunity, to…turn around a convoluted global automaker on its path to profitability after years of floundering under mediocre leadership?
Investors sweaty, EVs are so heavy
Ford sells a horde, and don’t get started with Chevy
He’s nervous, but his service is ready to levy
“Filosa Fees” on each sale
Suppliers ready to bail,
These philosophies are so stale
He’s joking, how? Everybody’s joking now
About how Jon Lovitz went out
Or Carlos, hidden in a music box,
You pop the top, but the song won’t rock!
SNAP
Back to reality, Dodge is a tragedy,
Fiat’s so sad, but he won’t give up that easy
New ads with Menghia, but don’t make them too sleazy
He knows that they have families
Buying those Grand Cherokees
Can’t offend anyone’s delicate sensibilities
But got to stay edge while bets get crossed-hedged
The death wobble goes on, da-dun-dun-da-dun
Oh my gosh. Drew, you’re up next!
Look, if you had one shot, one opportunity
To save an automotive portfolio in one moment,
Would you capture it, or just let it slip?
His palms are sweaty, Alfa’s weak, Jeep’s too heavy,
Chrysler’s one van already, Dodge EVs aren’t ready.
He’s nervous, but on the surface Ram seems steady
Does Alfa bomb, is DS worth forgetting?
Vauxhall’s down, is Peugeot still sound
His Opels sell, is Maserati out?
Lancia’s choking now, Abarth’s joking now
Sales are down, is Fiat over now?
Is Citroen back in reality, ope there go profits see,
Ope, there goes Alfa, he choked, he’s mad, but he won’t
Give up that easy, no he won’t have it he knows
Leapmotors on the ropes, it don’t matter,
Ram’s dope, he knows that, but he’s broke, brands’re stagnant,
He knows that when he goes back to the boardroom, that’s when it’s
Back to Stellantis again, yo this old crap you see,
Better go capture this moment and hope they don’t can him
Sam Abuelsamid wrote a First Drive review of the new Toyota bZ, which no longer has the Forks. Mr E had a deep cut:
Styling aside, I’ve heard that many happy customers have driven their Busy Forks until the wheels fell off.
That’s a reference to the hilariously sad wheel lug recallwheel lug recall. Have a great evening, everyone! I’m off to Baltimore to pick up my cute little car.
Top graphic image: Stellantis
What is this? Fucking karaoke night? Have a safe drive home from the port, Mercedes.
Fucking karaoke night is really tough to set up. You have to find the right combination of exhibitionists, voyeurs, people who are willing to attempt to sing mid-coitus, and a karaoke DJ willing to hand the mics over for it.
And most people are terrible at singing mid-orgasm.
Ha! Literal “fucking karaoke night” is not something I considered when I posted. Thanks for planting that little brain worm (not like RFK Jr’s). And for the laugh.
Obviously if Stellantis turned all the Chrysler dealers into Citroën dealers, the way Mercedes took over the Studebaker dealerships, then Stellantis’ problems would be solved.
Or at least different.
My first COTD. I am honored.
Safe travels retrieving your Honda, Mercedes! Baltimore is beautiful this time of yea….er, never mind.
These brands, dead weight; I’m trying to keep my plan straight
But I can’t figure which one of the French I want to eviscerate
Dr. Z said “Antonio, be decisive,”
“Make hard choices, that’s what life is”
Well since age 12, I felt like I’m someone else
Cause I hung Lambo posters on my wall all by myself
Cut costs and ripped the Countach’s wing off
Now you can’t tell the front from the back, problem solved.
If anyone didn’t know about the main sample from Em’s debut single, google Labi Siffre’s “I got the…” and listen for a couple minutes. I’m not a fan of hip-hop sampling that heavily to where the whole song is built around the original (see also: Gangsta’s Paradise) but the original is really great. I can’t believe I didn’t learn about it until over 20 years later.
Great commercial – they should really reuse it for a better vehicle. How about a new 300?
Does anyone still make a full size sedan?
How big does it have to be to be full size? Have you seen the space in the back of an Accord or Camry lately? It’s almost limo-like. You don’t have to go S Class or the other L model of a 7-series or whatever the LWB version of Audi is to get plenty of legroom.
My definition would be the ability to seat three abreast in the front and back comfortably.
Kei cars FTW! Looking forward to the updates on it!
Good luck with your Life! Can’t wait to read about it.
For one horrifying second, I forgot about the car (and missed the capitalization) and thought you were wishing Mercedes good luck with her new life (and, presumably, career) that I had somehow missed, and that you would be following her to a new publication to read all about it.
Not that I wish stagnation upon anyone’s career if she gets an opportunity, but if I had missed some news and didn’t know where to keep reading articles from Mercedes, I would be very disappointed.
Mercedes seems to be all about names that are sometimes confusing synonyms. 🙂
The headline about her new ride should read Mercedes Acquires Honda
THAT was hilarious!
And TBH, I’d rather own and drive an Accord than anything MB (to be clear) offers these days.
I think Mercedes should blast Korn’s “Got The Life” the whole way back to Chicago.
Not a bad song, but there are a lot of continuity flaws in the video. At least to my videographer/editor part of my brain.
It was the 90s. Every music video was like that. I could’ve done without the band walking down the road in slow motion, also. 🙂
I’m not the biggest Korn fan, but I like the message of that song.