In case you missed it, our first-ever Autopian Asks hit the interwebs on Tuesday, and we invited you to tell us about the most underpowered cars you’ve ever driven. Unsurprisingly, you came through! Hold on, let me back up a sec: I say “unsurprisingly” because you’re awesome, not because we think you all drive impotent heaps. Just wanted to be clear on that. Now let’s talk gutless cars!
Quite a few of you suffered with diesel Rabbits and Golfs, and may I say: no lies detected. My high-school buddy Doug had one of these things, and it was absurdly slow with four people in it. Running gags included saying “Doug, it’s the pedal on the right” anytime we left a stoplight, and when Doug asked if you needed a ride to the party or football game or whatever, the answer was always, “Nah, I’ll ride my bike so I can get their earlier.”
Image: Volkswagen
Beetles, too, were a common thread. I drove a ’74 Super in high school, which was indeed slow, but it always seemed lively and fun. It was also my first car, so driving anything was a treat, and as mrbrown89 notes, it likely felt faster than it was because of the racket coming from behind the rear seat. Especially when my Bug’s rusty heater boxes finally disintegrated, transforming the exhaust note to completely unmuffled Race Mode.
Image: Volkswagen
Lots of Mercedes shout-outs, too. The 190D sure looks like it could move in a hurry, looking all sleek and rakish. But as Brett Philpotts assures us, it could not.
Image: Mercedes_Benz
Image: Mercedes-Benz
The Opel Kadett Rallye was slow? With those stripes? Sorry, Zeitgeistus, I don’t believe you.        
Image: GM/Opel
Whoops, it appears I uploaded the wrong photo, that’s a Volvo. No, wait, it’s correct, that’s a Mazda 929. Gotta look close.
Image: Mazda
Oof, those 80s GM diesels. The worst. Gotta not-love a car that runs like a tired beater when new.
Image: GM/Buick
When the kids announce their departure by saying, “I’m Audi 5000,” it apparently means they’re leaving very slowly.
Image: Audi
Hey, I hear you Toecutter, but I’m still scouring Facebook Marketplace for one of these things for a cheap off-road build.
Image: Suzuki
The most notorious Cadillac. You might say GM was quire cavalier with the brand.
Image: GM/Cadillac
Ah, the Iron Duke. So little engine so frequently asked to motivate so much car. Twas never enough. Great name though.
Image: GM/Chevrolet
Image: GM/Oldsmobile
My favorite thing about Citroën H-Type Van is the bubble-top over the cab. So aero! I’m also a big fan of the corrugated sides. And everything else about it.
Image: Citroën
Sklooner says he’s not sure which was faster, his ’57 Opel Rekord or diesel-powered Jetta. My money’s on the Jetta.
Image: GM/Opel
Here’s another slow-poke I experienced first-hand in the 1980s. There were high hopes for the Alliance when it arrived in the States. Hopes that were dashed.
Image: Renault
There was a lot of excitement for the third-gen Mustang after the debacle that was the Mustang II (never mind that Ford sold a ton of ’em, and they were fine). The new ‘Stang’s crisp lines evoked a bright future for the iconic coupe, but rest assured, Ford still knew how to build a slow ponycar as Matt Sexton will attest. Hey Matt, if you’re pushing the cigarette lighter in, that’s on you.
Image: Ford
“What Is The Most Underpowered Car You’ve Ever Driven?” seems to demand a specific cars as answers, but it turns out there actually is a universal reply:
[Editor’s Note: This is Anthony Magagnoli, a brilliant engineer and racecar driver. Also, my friend. -DT]. Big thanks to everyone who replied to our first-ever Autopian Asks (and all you lurkers who just read the comments, too)! Your stories were wonderful, and we appreciate the time, energy, and good vibes you share with us. Keep it coming!
The slowest car I have ever driven was a college friend’s 78 Corolla with the 1.2 and a 5 speed. On flat ground that car maxxed out at around 72.
I had a Renault Dauphine, and a friend had a FIAT 850 Spider when we were in high school. Slow slow slow!
I owned an Innocenti Mini Cooper (with 998cc!) about 15 years ago and it was dangerously slow trying to get on the highway with it. I stuck to the back roads where it was a lot more fun.
Someone else mentioned the Corvair. My folks had a ’64 with the Powerglide and compared to the Dauphine, it was a rocket!
Reading some of the stories reminded me of one: a second generation Prius. Got it as a rental in Arizona maybe a few years after they came out. Wasn’t the worst around Phoenix, but driving up to Flagstaff, I thought the engine was going to explode! It’s sad and frustrating to see your speedometer slowly decrease with the pedal floored. I can’t imagine owning a hybrid anyplace that has hills.
Side note: Never seen that version of the 929 before. Pretty cool…
Mid 80’s 26ft Uhaul with a gas 460 in it…in 2018. This thing was undoubtedly miserable new, but after 30+ years of Uhaul duty it was barely able to pull away when empty, let alone with a showroom’s worth of cabinets, tile, shower glass and stone slabs.
I’ve had several, with the first being a Corvair with a 2-speed Powerglide transmission, followed by several ’70s VW vans, and an ’83 Jeep Scrambler with an Iron Duke. The upside of being so slow is that you don’t really need to worry (as much) about getting speeding tickets when you’re young and stupid.
1983 Plymouth Reliant with the 2.2L and 3 speed auto. Lived out in the country and even on limestone gravel roads, jamming the “Meh” pedal only resulted in half a rotation of tire spin.The gearing was so tall that sometimes the car attempted to go into 3rd, only to lose speed and drop back down into 2nd while climbing small hills. I regularly got spanked by my friend’s ’85 Dodge Colt base model. The designers, in a twisted attempt to give it something ‘good’, put brakes on it that could instantly initiate a 180 degree orientation change. More than once I had to jam on the brakes only to end up pointing backwards on major highways. That thing was a chastity belt on 4 wheels.
Late contribution, but probably the Geo Metro 3cyl. Auto I had as a loner while my 87 Cougar was getting deer damage fixed. I seriously thought the valves were going to start tap dancing on the top of the hood at any speed over 32 mph. The 2nd was an 87 S-10 2wd auto with the 2.8. I could have beaten it by running….
I wish I would have seen this yesterday!
My first car was the slowest I’ve driven – a 1988 Ranger “S”. the S was for standard, not sport. Carbureted 2.0L out of the Pinto married to a vehicle with Aero of a brick. No AC, no power steering, no power brakes, no radio, not even a headliner. 80hp I think when new, and it had 70k & 8 years on it when I got it. At least it had a 5spd manual?
Taught me how to draft and pass on 2 lane roads. Wouldn’t keep 70mph on its own on I75, and a cross wind would slow it down to 60. 5th produced negative speed unless you were behind someone else.
Good times.
I’d say (whether its load with a house full of stuff or not) any u-haul box truck. Nothing like redlining a 300 hp V8 from 0-60 in 12.4 minutes down hill.
We had a 82′ Pontiac J2000.
Iron Duke motor, auto, carbureted.
It was the classic “gotta go up this hill, turn off the AC” car.
The Pontiac J2000 didn’t have the 2.5L Iron Duke as an option. It was either the OHV “122” series engine:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/General_Motors_122_engine
Or the OHC GM ‘Family II’ engine:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/GM_Family_II_engine
And for 1982, they came in 1.8L form. The OHV version made 88hp and had a carb. The OHC version made 84hp but was fuel injected and was actually the better choice even though it had lower HP on paper.
Has anyone ever driven a Ford E-series with the 4.2L V6?
My ’97 with the 4.6L V8 felt just slightly underpowered and I shudder to think what even less would have done to it. To quote a friend when I learned that engine combo existed, “How did it move?”
My family owned a ’99 with the 4.2. Towing a camper was an exercise in patience, but could be done. I still remember being stunned that my grandfather’s ’97 F-150 with the V8 was rated to tow less than our van. On the highway though, the mileage wasn’t too bad. We once got over 500 miles from a tank. Probably had more to do with the gas tank the size of a washing machine.
Interesting! Thanks for sharing. Yeah, my ’97 would go anywhere from 9-12 mpg in city and mixed driving, but 17 on the highway, so I was able to get it over 500 miles a few times with the 33-gallon tank.
I was so scared to click on this article. That old German lighting site had me so gun-shy. Thanks for making me happy 🙂
No one else had a slow K-car experience? My grandma’s car was so slow, she was rear-ended twice in one year. One was a professional truck driver and the other was a police officer. Neither professional driver could comprehend how slow this combination of car and driver was!
I borrowed her cars on occasion, and was amazed how little they responded when you slammed the accelerator to the floor.
Well, getting rear ended by a police car is on the officer. My grandmother did the worse thing and hit a PARKED cop car.
That’s when we convinced her that maybe she shouldn’t me driving any more. Of course, she insisted that it was the cop’s fault because he was parked too far from the curb.
They didn’t have an accelerator pedal. It was more like a “Nah” pedal.
Good lord, I did well on that bingo card. 70 VW Beetle, Renault Alliance, my mom’s Oldsmobile Cutlass Ciera, Dad’s old Ford Gran Torino Elite III (which was anything BUT elite). Add in my wife’s Prius and it’s been an adventure in merging on the interstate.