This Incredibly Low-Mileage VW Beetle Would Be Torture To Own But It Gave Me An Idea That’ll Help Everyone

I think I’ve written before about what torture it would be to own a really low-mileage, perfect-shape car. I say this, because such a car would be, effectively, undriveable, as so much of its value would be tied up in the fact that it had never been actually driven. So you’d have this perfect car that would become a bit of sculpture, a statue dedicated to the concept of frustration. And who wants that?

That was my first thought when I saw another remarkably preserved 1977 Volkswagen Beetle on Bring A Trailer; the car was in a dealership’s collection and only has 130 miles on the clock. It is an absolute time capsule, with everything preserved exactly as it was back then in the year when the first Star Wars movie came out and the Atari VCS/2600 first hit the market. It was a long time ago, just in a galaxy very close.

I mean, this thing is perfect, down to the stickers on the inside of the engine lid and on the doorjambs. I’ve hardly ever seen Beetles with as little wear and tear as this one, and it really is fascinating to see all these details in their pristine state. Look at some of these pictures!

Also, I have to hand it to the sellers for taking pictures like this one to show every section of the taillight illuminated, which would require the car to have its parking or headlights on, a foot on the brake, in reverse gear, so that means clutch down, too, and the hazards/or turn indicators on:

This Beetle is showroom-fresh. And while there exist a few other Beetles in this condition, there can’t be many. There’s other cars like this, of course, ultra-low mileage, and they would also be miserable to own.

Cars like this turn up every now and then, often collectible ones with dedicated followings like this Corvette with 33 miles:

Much more uncommon but less valuable on the market are ultra-low-mileage commonplace cars, like, say 1980s Honda Accords or a ’90s Ford Tempo or something of that nature; those would be real holy grails. You know, like this delivery-milage ’82 Chevy Cavalier!

And while I still stand by my assertion that owning an ultra-low mileage car would be a miserable exercise in frustration, I do acknowledge that there is something of value to cars like these. Just not to a private owner. I think in the case of these cars, we need to listen to noted archaeologist Dr. H (I) Jones, Jr., PhD:

They belong in a museum. Or, better, a sort of federally-owned automotive library. Let me explain.

What we need is to establish the Smithsonian National Archive of Automotive Original Reference Vehicles (NAAORV). This archive would collect and store, indefinitely, in a climate-controlled environment, cars with 500 miles or less on the odometer, the more original, the better. There will be no duplicates, though different years of the same model are, of course, acceptable.

Any mass-produced car is acceptable for the collection, where it will be stored and made available for researchers, restorers, historians, and even regular automotive enthusiasts to view, examine, take measurements, photograph, whatever. This will be more like a research library than a museum, but instead of books, there will be extremely original cars and their related documentation and equipment.

The good news is that I think this can be pulled off for a fairly minimal outlay of resources; the initial facility is already just about ready to go: Pod 6 at the Smithsonian’s Museum Support Center in Suitland, Maryland is scheduled to be opened this year, where it was to provide 187,735 gross square feet of storage space for use by a variety of institutions, inlcuding the National Museum of Natural History, Hirshhorn Museum and Sculpture Garden, National Postal Museum, National Museum of American History, and the National Gallery of Art (NGA).

My proposal is that we tell all those organizations: tough testicles and they can wait for Pod 7, because Pod 6 is now home to the NAAORV. It’ll be fine. They’ve waited this long already! I’m sure the Hirshhorn, for example, can stack a bunch of shipping containers full of art in that huge center area of the drum-shaped museum for a little while. What else are they using that space for? Seriously, it’s fine.

So, we’ve got the location already figured out, and I have a plan for how to fund the acquisition of these low-mileage cars for the museum. We’ll need a support staff, of course, people willing to scour collections and auctions all over the country to find as many low-mileage cars as possible, and as many different types, with special emphasis on the mundane and/or forgotten. And, of course, we’ll need money to buy the cars themselves. Here’s how we do it:

We just print the money we need.

Yes, you heard me: we just make a deal with the US Mint to print whatever money we need. Now, I know the government can’t just do this william-nilliam, and if every government agency did this, it would collapse the economy or something. Fine. But for one sub-section of the Smithsonian? It’ll be fine. Who’s gonna care?

We’ll hire some lobbying firms too, so we can massage the messaging and blackmail or threaten any senators or activists who think what we’re doing is “wrong” or “irresponsible” or “dangerous” or some other meaningless words. I don’t care. What would they rather us do, tax these bastards back to the Stone Age to fund this? No.

Besides, it’ll be a drop in the bucket, really. We just run those money-presses for like 15 minutes once a month or whatever, and I’m sure we’ll have plenty of operating capital. Again, and I think this is important, I don’t care about some negligible effect on the economy, which is boring and stupid anyway. This is what matters: a national archive of pristine, original reference cars, one that will serve the automotive interests of America (and the world) for centuries to come.

Maybe we’ll hire some goons to work people over if they try to look into this too much? That’s fine, too! This is the fucking Smithsonian Institution we’re talking about here – do you think they’ve never gotten their hands dirty getting Lincoln’s sock garters or the urine bags from Apollo 11 or the William Shatner’s merkins? Of course they have, don’t be so naive.

And we’ll continue that long tradition! If some collector has a 1982 Toyota Starlet with 40 miles and isn’t letting it go, maybe some Smithsonian goons will pay them a visit to convince them to do what’s right for their nation and not keep that unique machine hidden away in some closed garage. I can’t say any of us will know what went on behind closed doors, but if NAAORV gets an important new acquisition, I’m not sure I care.

The NAAORV will be an incredible resource for so many people, and it will free car collectors of the idiotic burden of ultra-low mileage cars. No longer will there be that obligation to own one of these albatrosses, because you’ll always know they’ll have a home at NAAORV, where they will become an invaluable resource for artists and scientists, movie makers and academics, anthropologists and technologists and ichthyologists and clergypeople and everyone.

I’ve got all the details figured out! It’s time to make this happen.