Home » Time To Imagine A Couple Of Supervillains And Their Ford Taunuses: Cold Start

Time To Imagine A Couple Of Supervillains And Their Ford Taunuses: Cold Start

Cs Taunus Wagon
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Who says supervillains can’t have a practical car like a European Ford Taunus, ideally with a V4 engine? Of course they can! That’s why the evil Dr.Candlespinner, who commits crimes with the power of his huge, ornate candlesticks and his enchanted spinning wheel drives one! If you ever see this red wagon pulling up by a bank or drug lab or the UN headquarters, get the hell out of there, because before you know it, he’ll have set up his huge candlesticks in a pentagram shape and placed the enchanted spinning wheel in the middle, and begun the process of summoning Dark Entropy Energy into strands created by the spinning wheel then beamed all over to destroy or control nearly anything! He’s a monster!

Cs Taunus Doves3

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The famous Dovenapper Family used a white Taunus wagon for their crime sprees, where they’d capture huge flocks of doves and pigeons and train them to do their bidding. This was how they stole 80% of the world’s supply of sapphires back in the 1980s! Remember that? The huge Sapphire Crisis, when the global economy almost failed, until Captain Hyperclam flew in his Atomic Gelatin Rocket to the Oort Cloud and brought back that solid sapphire asteroid, rendering Sapphires nearly valueless, like they are today?

Don’t you remember that? It was a huge deal. Ask your dad about it, I guess.

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Mr Sarcastic
Mr Sarcastic
9 months ago

Dark Entropy Energy is that the same as Lucas Electronics?

Brian Gray
Brian Gray
9 months ago

Someone spiked Jason’s morning tea with magic mushrooms again.

Jesus Helicoptering Christ
Jesus Helicoptering Christ
9 months ago
Reply to  Brian Gray

Nah, that’s just the finest Changli-branded lead poisoning doing its thing.

EricTheViking
EricTheViking
9 months ago

Those lovely headlamps!

How could Americans be so dumb to mandate the shitty sealed beam headlamps that came in one size and shape (from 1939 to 1957) then two size and one shape (from 1958 on) then three size and two shapes (from 1975 on) and then four sizes and shapes (from 1977 on) for many decades (until 1983 for the composite headlamps and until 1992 for ECE headlamps)? What’s more, they cast so much light upward, giving the obnoxious reflected glare in the rain, fog, and snow.

And Americans haven’t gotten around to mandating the taillamps with separate amber turn signal indicators to this day. Shame that it wasn’t included in the 2021 infrastructure bill as a rider along with the adaptive high beam system.

Mr Sarcastic
Mr Sarcastic
9 months ago
Reply to  EricTheViking

Lucas Electronics.

Ranwhenparked
Ranwhenparked
9 months ago
Reply to  EricTheViking

In the 1940s, sealed beams were a massive improvement over the total chaos that had preceded them, the mandate overstayed its usefulness, but at one time, it seemed to make a lot of sense. Also, every single car’s headlight could be quickly and cheaply replaced with a quick visit to any grocery store, gas station, or auto parts store, and every time the bulb burned out, you got a completely brand-new headlight, all new reflectors, lens (which was glass), everything.

Phantom Pedal Syndrome
Phantom Pedal Syndrome
9 months ago

Fun fact. The original Dovenapper painting was commissioned by John Woo.

Last edited 9 months ago by Phantom Pedal Syndrome
Cheap Bastard
Cheap Bastard
9 months ago

“rendering Sapphires nearly valueless, like they are today?”

Last time I checked a flawless synthetic sapphire in most colors (including ruby, a type of sapphire) could be purchased online from Thailand or Ebay for about $1/carat and less as the stones get bigger. Not too far off valueless. You can even get your sapphire with a star.

When you can get perfect for so cheap why anyone would bother paying millions for a dirt stone is beyond me.

Zeppelopod
Zeppelopod
9 months ago
Reply to  Cheap Bastard

“Mhmm yes, this laboratory stone is indeed perfect but it lacks the human suffering of a true luxury good. Into the bin with you.”

Phantom Pedal Syndrome
Phantom Pedal Syndrome
9 months ago

I’m now thoroughly convinced that ‘Cold Start’ is actually just Jason posting entries from his dream diary.

MaximillianMeen
MaximillianMeen
9 months ago

You make that sound like a bad thing.

Phantom Pedal Syndrome
Phantom Pedal Syndrome
9 months ago

It’s great journalism.

Mr Sarcastic
Mr Sarcastic
9 months ago

For those unaware and curious it is actually an Original Hello Kitty diary.

FUCK YOU
FUCK YOU
9 months ago

As an American, “Ford Taunus” will never not look like a typo to me.

BigThingsComin
BigThingsComin
9 months ago
Reply to  FUCK YOU

The Ford Taunt Us

Freelivin1327
Freelivin1327
9 months ago
Reply to  FUCK YOU

Yeah, every time

Mr Sarcastic
Mr Sarcastic
9 months ago
Reply to  FUCK YOU

Taurus or tetanus?

Njd
Njd
9 months ago

Our hero drives a saab 96, and at the close of the 2nd act the hero and villain discover that they have the same engine….

Canopysaurus
Canopysaurus
9 months ago

Dr. Candlespinner appears to have robbed the Antiques Roadshow. Bet he stole his car at an estate sale, because, of course.

Lokki
Lokki
9 months ago

Sidekick: “Gee Dr.Candlespinner, what are we gonna drive tonight?”

Dr Candlespinner: “The same thing we drive every night, a European Ford Taunus, ideally with a V4 engine!!”

Mr Sarcastic
Mr Sarcastic
9 months ago
Reply to  Lokki

Are they the same characters as Pinky and the Brain?

Collegiate Autodidact
Collegiate Autodidact
9 months ago

Dr Candlespinner’s reign of terror ran unchecked until his alter ego, Boggis, met his match in what’s arguably one of the greatest horror stories of all time, namely, “Parson’s Pleasure” by Roald Dahl.

Jakob K's Garage
Jakob K's Garage
9 months ago

I love exactly THAT kind of Ford Taunus: It just has such happy smiling headlights and grille 😎

Also, with the chrome/steel grille and headlight frames, it has a sweet Saab/Lancia/Wartburg vibe, so it actually doesn’t look like a Ford at all, I guess that’s what I really like about it…

Last edited 9 months ago by Jakob K's Garage
Rollin Hand
Rollin Hand
9 months ago

And Dr. Candlespinner’s menacing catchphrase?

“It’s your turn to come to the light.”

DubblewhopperInDubblejeopardy
DubblewhopperInDubblejeopardy
9 months ago

So…it WAS Colonel Mustard with a Candlestick!!!

MaximillianMeen
MaximillianMeen
9 months ago

Pretty sure that’s a Professor Plum, dude.

Drive By Commenter
Drive By Commenter
9 months ago

Shame that Europe got the cool Fords.

Ranwhenparked
Ranwhenparked
9 months ago

Now, nobody gets cool Fords, because One Ford means crossovers worldwide

Soso Tsundere
Soso Tsundere
9 months ago

Who can forget the legendary Scarlet Strangler and her Menace Mist, seducing plutocrats and then killing them so she can redistribute their wealth to the Reds?

MATTinMKE
MATTinMKE
9 months ago
Reply to  Soso Tsundere

That guy should’ve defended himself with his cane. It appears to be too late though, she has him in her deadly gaze.

Geoff Buchholz
Geoff Buchholz
9 months ago

Torch’s exposure to lead dust is really taking the site to another level.

Flyingstitch
Flyingstitch
9 months ago
Reply to  Geoff Buchholz

I haven’t been able to tell the difference yet, not sure I ever will.

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