You know that Maslow’s Hirearchy of Needs thing? It’s kind of like the food pyramid, only it has to do with the fundamental needs of being a human. I don’t feel like looking it up, but I’m going to assume the crucial needs are eating and driving. Driving and eating! The two most important things in life, and, tragically, some of the least compatible. We here at Autopian Labs (our R&D department here at The Autopian) understand that this is a problem that needs solving, and solving problems exactly what we do here. This time, the problem is determining just which foods are best to eat while driving — something we’ll have to do by incorporating hard, empirical testing. You want driving food answers? Of course you do, and we got ’em.
We documented the entire process here, so I suggest you stop whatever meaningless crap you’re doing immediately – that means let the fire burn or let that patient just wait another 20 minutes or so for those lungs or keep circling that airport, because this is important:
As you watch, if you need a breakdown of the testing methods and foods tested, I’m happy to provide all that for you.
For the test procedure, we used the Autopian Test Vehicle — a 2006 Scion xB with a five-speed manual transmission — as our test platform. By using a manual transmission car, we were able to provide the most demanding eating-while-driving use case, as both hands are required for driving operation. This way, whatever works well in this context can be certain to work well in an automatic transmission vehicle.
The driving test course included crucial driving elements such as: a three-point turn, a slalom, an emergency handbrake stop, and entering and backing out of a parking spot (along with the usual set of turning, accelerating, shifting gears, and stopping). The driving course was designed with the input from scientists at the National Mobile Food Consumption Coalition, a splinter faction of the SCCA, and input from the American Council of Churches.
The American Dental Association requires us to note they had no formal participation in this project.
The set of metrics that determined a food’s drivable edibility are shown below, and were developed by the most advanced AI capable of running on a 16K Radio Shack TRS-80 Model 100:
Containability: How well the food remains contained and together Residue Factor: The level of residue, either of the sauce or crumb variety, produced by the food Focus: How much attention does the food demand be taken from the driving task to eat Cleanup: How messy was the aftermath of consumption
Flavor and affordability were factored in as needed as tie-breaking or additional criteria.
The foods tested by David and myself were as follows:
Cold Pizza Chipotle Chicken Burrito Taco Bell Crunch Wrap Supreme Panera Broccoli and Cheese Soup Bread Bowl McDonald's Cheeseburger Olive Garden Lasagna Big Calzone Biryani Coney Island Chilidog Panda Express Chow Mein (with chopsticks) Bonus: McDonald's McNuggets
The foods were selected for widespread availability, and we were careful to ensure a wide variety of food types. None have been specifically engineered for driving and eating use, and no organizations provided the food nor exerted any sort of pressure on us to rate a given food higher or lower, despite repeated attempts by agents of the National Lasagna Council. You know we don’t play like that, NLC! So call off your goons!
We hope this experiment proves helpful to you in your future drivedining adventures. We also hope this will be a call to arms to America’s food producers as they realize that the state of drive-edible foods is in crisis. Options are limited, and, in many cases, actually dangerous.
Autopian Labs will continue to provide these sorts of research projects to aid the collective good of humankind as a Driving Species.
You’re welcome.
Something missing from this article is the fact that they never cleaned up the car after the experiment. When I first saw the Test Car I opened the driver door and nearly vomited from the stench of whatever horror movie beast was growing in there.
That car is absolutely a Superfund site today.
Wasn’t this thing mold infested worse than your Smart?
The seats were somehow better, but the leftover food…it didn’t even look like food anymore!
I am guessing the seats were protected by two well padded Detroit derrieres?
I have found sauce packets from sheets that probably have a nee civilization growing
Oh, you got sticky pins now too
So you’re saying they’re flying your wife out as the official Autopian Superfund reclamation expert?
I was pretty sure there could not be anything safe to eat in that particular vehicle. Best of luck to everyone involved. Hoping this isn’t what starts the zombie apocalypse.
The way those savages shoveled things towards their faces was a feat of something.
Feat of gluttony
Frankly, that still of DT eating the sub looks like some alien creature (Or Japanese tentacle) is either bursting forth or burrowing in. It’s quite horrifying.
any tips on vomiting in a car?
Yeah, open the window and stick your head out.
At speed you will have some spray.
The old M-B carpets with the foam underpad are not recommended.
I can attest vomiting out a closed window is a big fail. Worse it was my car I was getting a ride home after a late nite bout of aah food poisoning. My coworker driver actually cleaned it up that night. Man Employee of the century.
Don’t forget to also open the screen.
Overdid the drinks at a party once and went to puke off the balcony. Opened the patio door, went to open the screen door. The screen door was frozen in place (it was winter).
Apparently, spaghetti does not get digested enough in 6 hours to go through a screen.
And remove your glasses first.
My uncle sold Buicks in the back of my 88 Cougar… 2door car, windows down, he sat in the back seat, and turned away from the open window. All across the back window, seat, etc. No matter how much I cleaned it… Still smelled like Miller Lite puke on a hot day. I was almost glad it got totalled by someone running a red.
I’m still not entirely sure how I managed it, but I successfully puked into a Ziploc bag while driving at interstate speeds, got the thing closed, and found a deserted gas station with nice open trash cans for disposing of it before it became a mess.
You’re a hero
Pray it’s not done in a convertible, full of passengers, at highway speeds, with the top down and little to no notice from your stomach.
All dressed up, on your way *to* prom.
Pro tip.
Pro tip: if the car is in motion, be sure to point your mouth opposite the direction of motion.
See? SEE?
I AM CORRECT: THIS IS HOW YOU GET ANTS.
Some xars scare the ants. Ask my oldsmobile.
You have far more trust in ants to have fear than I do. Trust no ant.
You can trust ants.. to find food anywhere.
That’s why I fear them.
I got all my aunts from my grandparents.
That’s exactly how my uncle got ants in his 1967 Plymouth Barracuda convertible.
He never should’ve let me borrow it.
I don’t think you and E.O. Wilson would get along very well.
I can’t believe I’m saying this because it means I’m getting old, but Jason and Torch, cleanup is part of the job. This wouldn’t have been that bad to clean if you had done it the same day. That keeps the car usable for future experiments and misadventures. A shop vac and a quick wipe down wouldn’t have taken very long.
This isn’t any different from wrenching. Until the tools are back in the toolbox and the parts are sorted, you are not done with the job. Leaving stuff sitting around is just adding debt that you’ll have to pay back later. Keeping your workspace cleanish and organized helps you move faster while spending less time searching for parts and tools.
You obviously never went to DTs superfund site. Bruh, there were tools and parts all over the yard. Probably a good half dozen 10mms in the grass.
You clean your car? Bougie! (I’ just messin. The reality is anything fried without dipping or dripping, so Popeyes tendies or bojangles in the upper south (far superior). If you’re in nj, sub sammies, accept the mess, or whit castle.
I figured that would happen with these two lunatics.
I knew there was a reason I followed you guys over from the Other Place…
Why do I strongly want to search the typical sites for a gen 1 Scion xB now
Because they’re awesome that’s why!
(Would have been even more awesome as a Prius plus though).
This was a trick question. There is NO food that should be eaten inside a car, even when stationary.
Certainly not in that car. Mold spores covered the food from 25 feet away.
Actually an authentic taco or burrito is fine. Avoid any American versions labeled as stuffed.
I see the username, but this comment offends me as a native Texan because:
All tacos and burritos have the potential to leak regardless of the structural integrity of a tortilla, and this is a known fact.You’re probably gonna want to open up the little plastic cup of hot sauce to put on it and that’s gonna be a hard no from me.I haven’t just had great tacos from stands that no hablan ingles here, but I’ve had AMAZING tacos in Mexico, and they were finger-lickin’ good. If there is any food residue to lick off of your fingers, it does NOT belong in the car.^^^^^ALL OF THAT IS HOW YOU GET ANTSWE HAVE FIRE ANTSFIRE ANTS ARE EXTREMELY UNPLEASANT
Just like, stop a while and take time to eat outside the car. Eateries and picnic tables have surfaces designed to be easily wiped off when you dribble salsa on them. Your car, not so much.
(Welp, it looks like numbered lists are broken. HARDIBIRD! HELP!)
But nobody cleans up after themselves these days.
So the picnic tables are all covered in ants.
Autopian test vehicle content. Yay!
You forgot to factor in future flatulence.
Prediction: The Bishop will design a kitchen/dining room for the Scion xB with hose-out prep eating surfaces and floor drainage.
David, I’m a fellow engineer and your producer was absolutely right. The old ending would have dragged. Too logical for something obviously being played for laughs.
On the whole I don’t think there are any really good meal-type foods to eat while driving, hence I try to avoid it when possible. Certain candies can be okay, like licorice.
This is also an object lesson to parents why your kid’s first car should be a manual. Texting and eating is quite difficult when you need to use all four limbs to drive. It takes a lot of practice to get to the point where you can do other things.
Seriously. I’m tired of the “I want my kid to be safe, so I got them a brand new 500hp Escalade with emergency braking and 347 airbags.” None of that will stop you from going right into a power pole if you’re on your phone. No, the safest first car is a rattly 1994 Sidekick with a funny synchro on 2nd and a slight pull to the right. That’s how you prevent distracted driving.
I’m reminded of that classic song “Terminus Eldorado”.
What, no shower eating?
I’m sorry you’re going to have to repeat all the tests, in a downpour, with the windows open.
That was my thought, need shower food. Can rig up a solar shower and pump and place it over their heads.
I will not allow food in the car. In the shower? Heck, that’s a surface designed to be cleaned up afterwards. I already don’t wanna know what happens inside bathrooms when I’m not the current occupant. As long as you clean up after yourself, I don’t have to know. Spaghetti it up.
“I already don’t wanna know what happens inside bathrooms when I’m not the current occupant.”
They are full of ants for some reason.
That’s the cleanup part. If you attract ants, you gotta get rid of the ants before you open the door.
But what if the door knob is covered in ants? How do I open it?
The door knob to the bathroom will not have ants.
Even ants are afraid of my turds, I think.
Now we need a detailing video of the Autopian test car after the residue has been festering in there for months.
Go to car wash, open doors, use pressure hose, wait days for it to dry. Done.
Actually closed up on a hot day and once an hour dry wipe all hard surfaces is quicker. Now exterior bird poop cold night wait as the sun comes up the car begins to bead dew wiping off bird poop is simple no permanent damage. It is the moisture rising from the metal below the poop that makes it work.
About once a week for a year i ate a Sheetz Burrito while driving for lunch at my last job. Never had a single spill. I’m claiming improper Burrito technique there, Burritos are the GOAT driving food.
Xtra points for Sheetz reference.
You two are insane and we love you for it. Never change.
Nuggets are a good choice, but the best car food is a corndog.
Just as long as there are no sudden stops. Though, I’m very much a ketchup-and-mustard corndog man. How is it that in 2023 there’s no standardized system for condiment dipping?
Actually use all purpose small slit in package suck it out with each bite but with corndog after first bite release it between dog and corn.
Due to airbags, the only safe driving food is cotton candy.
You’re in LA, how did you not end it with an In-N-Out burger? They even wrap it for car eating.
This was filmed in an undisclosed Michigan church parking lot.
Fun fact, the super spicy white sauce that David added to the biryani was plain yogurt.
There needs to be a methodology discussion though. Removing the wrapper from food like the crunchwrap is not standard operating procedure. It makes for better video, but messes with the results.
I say that as someone that has consumed many crunch wraps while driving a stick in lunchtime traffic. The hard part is adding a line of Fire sauce after each successive wrapper descent.
If you’re not adding sauce on every bite, you’re not Living Mas™ to the fullest
Why not test a Smoothie?
Even I won’t reject a smoothie with a lid. No lid, though? You’re walking.
What if I accidentally dropped the lid and it can’t be recovered?
Because of ants.
then you gotta chug the smoothie before you get in the car
Sounds reasonable.
Is there a trash bin nearby that’s not completely covered in ants so I can dispose of the cup properly?
that’s your problem—I didn’t order the smoothie
Is that the one where Archy gets a job? 🙂
Hierarchy?
As far as internet comments section
spelling corrections go, that was a good one.
(I misspelled 2 words in that sentence while I was typing it. Thanks phone.)
No leftover shower spaghetti tested?
Argh, and now I have to wait until I get home from my day job to watch the video…
ALSO, is David wearing contacts OR did he get fancy-pants laser surgery? Either way, he has gone disgustingly Hollywood. What’s next, David, a Brazilian butt lift?
I read just today that that fad is now over and women are having their butts de-lifted.
This is without merit because a Runza wasn’t tested.
We said food.
Hey, now! I’m serious. Watch it, Tracy. Have you had a regular Runza right out of the oven? It’s an excellent, bready pocket of food, and given its German origins as a Bierock, you, above all, should appreciate it.
I’ve had a soggy Runza from the company that bears its name, in Nebraska.
But a real one out of the oven I’d love to try.
You haven’t missed anything, David. I’m convinced Runza is named for the effect it has on your bowels about an hour after consuming one.
My wife is a German native and citizen, and we’ve eaten there once… once. (BTW, that’s a call-back to Joe Piscopo’s character Danny Vermin from the Michael Keaton classic comedy Johnny Dangerously, so I’ll assume you have no idea what I’m referring to.)
I think they’re good. And yes, they can frequently be soggy.
I tried Taco Bell tacos once…never again. Best to stick with burgers*, nuggets, fries, or bag of chips.
*Burgers should be basic, no chilli or overly condimented to avoid leaks.
Forgot fries excellent point.
Sprinkle Doughnuts are the worst things to eat in the car
And Beau (and other sane people) let you publish this? LOL
Also, I’ve never eaten any of that stuff in my car. However, I know for sure now not to do it.
I enjoy the content and further analysis of other foods, but the best food to eat while driving is the Wendy’s 10 piece nugget meal. You dump the nuggets and the fries into the bag, tear the top half of the bag off, and you have a perfect sized feed bag to sit next to you, or where it is most convenient, that you can easily eat even while shifting gears.
Wrong without McDonald’s honey mustard nuggets ain’t worth eating. And fries need Heinz ketchup.
I love you weirdos so much! This made my day
Hot oil fondue is a definite no no
Full synthetic or dinosaur-based?