A lot can ride on a name. It can be the difference between making it through middle school fine or not, the reason for seeing blue text under the “family” section of a celebrity’s Wikipedia page, and in the world of cars, the difference between a success and a flop. After all, could you imagine having to explain to someone you’re collecting from the airport that you’ll be arriving in a Daihatsu Naked? Anyway, names often mean something, which is why we want to know what car drives the most like its name.
Earlier this month, a reader named Bobby emailed in with a great question: “What vehicle’s name is the most fitting description of what it’s like to own or drive it?” Think of it as taking the high end of the Parisienne Index and expanding it out across all possible experiences. The Pontiac Parisienne feels more like Paris, Texas than Paris, France, although early ones lean more towards Paris, Ontario. The Renault 4 Parisienne, on the other hand? That thing’s ready to rub fenders with the finest sheetmetal circling the Arc de Triomphe. See what I mean?
Thanks to product planning departments’ tendencies to go with evocative names, we’ve had a lot of good candidates over the years, very few of which are alphanumerics. I suppose the McLaren MP4-12C is a bit of an exception because it’s rather complicated and serves up speed with the ease of microwaving a Hot Pocket, but that’s a bit contentious.
Now, that’s not to say that all car names that are words fit the experience perfectly. A Ford Probe sounds more uncomfortable than it is, a Chevrolet Celebrity probably won’t make you feel famous, and while I don’t know what a chimera between a tiger and an iguana would drive like, it probably wouldn’t have much in common with the Volkswagen Tiguan.
Instead, I’m going to kick things off with something obvious: the Lincoln Town Car. Indeed, this lineage of body-on-frame behemoths from the luxury arm of Ford all share one core component of DNA, the fact that each one drives like a car the size of a town. Even in the smallest 215.3-inch-long 1998 to 2002 model, you still feel like you’re sitting at least two zip codes back from the front bumper, and the trunk is large enough to qualify as a subdivision.
So, what car do you reckon drives the most like its name? Perhaps something with the name of an animal, or a verb as a name, or something that reminds you of the rugged outdoors. As ever, leave your creative answers in the comments below. I can’t wait to read them.
[Hat-tip to Bobby Pridgen!]
Top graphic image: Lincoln
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Nissan Armada. A stupidly large flotilla of a hot mess
Mazda Bongo.
Mercury Turnpike Cruiser. Perfect name for what it is. Plymouth Road Runner just runs down the road all day.
bZ4x, drives like math.
– Or the Fiat X1/9, which drives like a ninth of something unknown…
Hyundai Tucson, because I told my kid “if you don’t do better in life than me, this car will be yours too, son…”
The Dodge Charger is aptly named.
The Twingo, ironically because a twingo isn’t a thing. But when you’re in one, it just feels like you’re an imaginary thing named the Twingo, and it just fits.
Not to be crass, but there’s the Mercury Cougar and the Mercedes 6.9.
Shelby Cobra because you need to pay attention or it’ll bite you(yippee sidepipes), Viper is in the same vein. Also the 1930s Chrysler Imperial, art deco and over the top opulence for the era, later imperials could be great but that classic is just something else. Lastly the Ford Model t Hack, it looks and drives like it was built in a barn because it was.
Huh. I hadn’t made the connection between Cobra and Viper until you brought it up. I’m surprised I didn’t read more snark about the latter back when they debuted. It was probably there, but I wasn’t really a Viper guy so I may have just breezed past any references.
My dad is a cobra nut and my uncle a mopar freak so the two of them had lengthy discussions when the viper came out when i was a kid. Now that I’ve helped my dad build a cobra replica and a friend of mine work on his viper both of them are definitely of one philosophy, truck parts for strength and cheapness assembled creatively to make something greater than the sum of its parts. Also ridiculous compromises on practicality, like actually driving it is an afterthought.
They both seem to have ended up > the sum of their parts. Some iterations would make me a little concerned about burning my calves trying to exit the car. Regardless, I can see how they are ridiculous amounts of fun for certain kinds of drivers. I’m just not one of them. Never have been.
In his younger days, my brother would have loved one and also likely ended up dead. In his day, he had a Ford F100 with a 390 (I think… I’ll have to ask him), headers and a hot cam. It sounded like it belonged on NASCAR tracks. It had a bench seat and one night/early morning he went out with a couple of buddies, and he wrote a check his driving skills couldn’t cash, and it ended up rolling at least three times before the battery cables let loose and he could no longer see what was happening. They all put their hands up on the ceiling of the cab and were all wearing lap belts. Everyone stayed inside and eventually walked away. He had a bruised kidney and peed blood for a couple of days. He was the only one hospitalized.
That was one of three vehicles he totaled before he was 20.
He doesn’t drive like that anymore.
Subaru Brat. You give it a whole bunch of cool, expensive crap; and instead of being greatful, it just throws a tantrum. (Sorry, my personal experience right now)
Citroën DS (which sounds like “déesse”: Goddess)
Ford Sunliner
Lotus Elan and Excel
Blower Bentley
Bitter SC
Ferrari 500 Superfast
Honda City
Lincoln Continental
AMC Pacer… not exactly known for being fast, it kinda sets the pace of traffic if you’re behind one.
Renault Le Car. Fight me.
How can anyone fight this answer? It is objectively correct. Say whatever you want about Le Car, it is inarguably a car and drives like a car.
It drives like a French car.
Technically the best kind of drive.
… When it drives.
Ford Bronco II. Some judiciously timed throttle jabs could induce Bronco like (and mechanically injudicious) bucking.
Honda Odyssey.
Odysseus is told to take his oar so far from the sea that it is mistaken for a winnowing shovel.
The Odyssey carries your life so far from your child free existence that you no longer scoff at having 16 cup holders.
Contrast that with the Plymouth Horizon, which will not take you much closer to the horizon before blowing a head gasket.
Buick Roadmaster, the Great American Road literally belonged to it
Dodge Avenger. It’s how they used rental fleets to get back at everyone who didn’t buy their cars.
Can’t believe I’m the first, but-
Rolls-Royce Silver Cloud.
I mean, c’mon, what’s gonna beat that?
I’ll quote car-talk with the Ford Aspire. “You drive it and aspire to get something better!”
Toyota Mega Cruiser. It sure as hell is Mega.
I would have to go with Pontiac Fireo, I mean Fiero.
Ooh. That burns!
As opposed to the Renault Fuego, which, b/c we love oddball French cars around here, is just FIRE.
Subaru Justy. Just-y nuff car to get around in.
Unfortunately, my Firebird could not fly. Fortunately, it never pulled a Lamborghini.