A lot can ride on a name. It can be the difference between making it through middle school fine or not, the reason for seeing blue text under the “family” section of a celebrity’s Wikipedia page, and in the world of cars, the difference between a success and a flop. After all, could you imagine having to explain to someone you’re collecting from the airport that you’ll be arriving in a Daihatsu Naked? Anyway, names often mean something, which is why we want to know what car drives the most like its name.
Earlier this month, a reader named Bobby emailed in with a great question: “What vehicle’s name is the most fitting description of what it’s like to own or drive it?” Think of it as taking the high end of the Parisienne Index and expanding it out across all possible experiences. The Pontiac Parisienne feels more like Paris, Texas than Paris, France, although early ones lean more towards Paris, Ontario. The Renault 4 Parisienne, on the other hand? That thing’s ready to rub fenders with the finest sheetmetal circling the Arc de Triomphe. See what I mean?
Thanks to product planning departments’ tendencies to go with evocative names, we’ve had a lot of good candidates over the years, very few of which are alphanumerics. I suppose the McLaren MP4-12C is a bit of an exception because it’s rather complicated and serves up speed with the ease of microwaving a Hot Pocket, but that’s a bit contentious.
Now, that’s not to say that all car names that are words fit the experience perfectly. A Ford Probe sounds more uncomfortable than it is, a Chevrolet Celebrity probably won’t make you feel famous, and while I don’t know what a chimera between a tiger and an iguana would drive like, it probably wouldn’t have much in common with the Volkswagen Tiguan.
Instead, I’m going to kick things off with something obvious: the Lincoln Town Car. Indeed, this lineage of body-on-frame behemoths from the luxury arm of Ford all share one core component of DNA, the fact that each one drives like a car the size of a town. Even in the smallest 215.3-inch-long 1998 to 2002 model, you still feel like you’re sitting at least two zip codes back from the front bumper, and the trunk is large enough to qualify as a subdivision.
So, what car do you reckon drives the most like its name? Perhaps something with the name of an animal, or a verb as a name, or something that reminds you of the rugged outdoors. As ever, leave your creative answers in the comments below. I can’t wait to read them.
[Hat-tip to Bobby Pridgen!]
Top graphic image: Lincoln
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Volkswagen Beetle. It beetles along, actually looking like a cute little beetle.
And also sort of sounding like an insect flying by.
Geo Metro
This is a good one. A friend had one in college, and it was plenty fine as a city car, nimble and with enough power to keep up with bicycle couriers block to block at least.
Derived from the Earth was a perfect device to transport humans around a city; and back to the Earth it was sent, for something more comfortable and complicated.
6000 SUX?
Or maybe a Yugo. Like, “you go find reliable transportation”.
If we’re going for model names in its domestic market, the Yugo gets particularly interesting.
It’s debatable whether the 45/55/60/65 are model names or trim levels of the Koral – in its native former Yugoslavia, they’re colloquially treated as the former but are functionally the latter, as they all share the same body. Either way, they’re quite honest – they literally say how many horsepower the engine makes and are probably best left under the sea or used as ornaments – like coral.
There’s also the Yugo Florida – in my experience, only ever driven by geezers who belong in god’s waiting room.
Unimog, it is an acronym for “Universal-Motor-Gerät”, or Universal motorised machine or device. Which is a very good description of how it drives.
Honda Fit. Because it does!
I was going to say not the Fit, because I don’t fit in my daughter’s.
Surely from the deer perspective, Nissan Pao!
Because that’s the sound it made when it hit a deer?
Rambler Ambassador. Composed, gentle, henious if you do something they don’t like.
A 1950s Chrysler Imperial.
They feel like a Roman Pantheon with wheels, forcing the road into submission.
The Town Car reference covered Cadillac’s De Villes (sedans et coupés), I guess, and as I’ve never had the pleasure of driving an Escort, I won’t broach that topic.
Eh, fun to ride they said, but probably nothing you can rely on down the road, leaves you wondering why the hell you still listen to your friends.
I was told.
A Lincoln Navigator optioned with built-in GPS has to at least make the top 20.
We had a first generation Pathfinder for a while when growing up, and the interior turn signal *TICK* was incredibly loud and distinct. You couldn’t not notice it.
I was convinced it was named as it was because it always found the right path.
My parents cracked the hell up when I said it.
The Subaru B9 Tribeca looks and drives exactly like what would happen if Robot B9 from Lost in Space flew into the neighborhood of Tribeca’s telepod.
Are there any Juke owners out there who can comment?
Like anyone’s gonna admit to that
Easy, Buick Riviera. It drives like a boat on the Riviera.
boat tail versions were shaped like them too.
They are the answer to the question, “What if a 1970s land barge and a Chris Craft speedboat had a baby?”
I always thought Ford nailed it with Fiesta – a lively little party, not stately or stuffy, just fun, and bringing a hint of the unusual, yet accessible to all.
Chevy Suburban. Drives like a suburban shit McMansion LOL
Jeep Wrangler. You have to really wrangle with it to get anywhere
Ford Transit. Like driving a bus.
and of course, the Mirage doesn’t drive like a real car 😛
Suburban moms driving their kids to school in the Suburban.
If you have never driven a newer Transit, they drive like a damn Ford Fusion. The handling and dynamics are GREAT not for something that big, just great in general.
Chrysler New Yorker Fifth Avenue
In a similar vein, Buick Park Avenue
Lincoln Town Car (mid-80s, especially) – handled like you were turning the whole town.
Lincoln Versailles.
Rococo. Excess in (questionable) taste, but not as comfy as you think it should be.
Hubris before a big fall.
Charger?
Referring to the war horse sense of the name of course.
You mean the one from the ’80s, right? 😉
I waited to see if *you* would say it, but I guess I will.
Dodge Viper
Gotta be the Mustang, surely?
Wild. Untamed. Uncontrollable.
The Ford Mustang. Watch it run.
…right into a car show crowd near you.
Ford Ranger:
https://duckduckgo.com/?q=ford+ranger+park+service&ia=images&iax=images&iai=https%3A%2F%2Fi.pinimg.com%2Foriginals%2F96%2F19%2Fb9%2F9619b9dc35ccc4a3bd9451e9c8964d79.jpg
Acura Legend
Freightliner Truck
If this was what car looks like its name instead of drives like its name I’d have to go with the Nissan S-cargo, however load it up with enough stuff and it probably drives at a snail’s pace too.
Range Rover
RAM.
Also the last thing you see before the airbags go off.