I suppose, deep down within us all lies the potential to be a jerk. I’d like to believe that for most of us, these latent seeds of jerkiness remain in their dormant phase, held in check by your cell’s natural anti-jerkiness organelles, the dejackassochondria and the endoplasmic de-redickulum, the one with the ribosomes on them. But that doesn’t mean the jerkiness doesn’t exist. It just means it’s held in check, precariously, and we must all accept that those checks and balances could – and can – fail.
Sometimes it’s stress or general life pressures that wear us down and allow the jerkiness to escape. Sometimes it’s other people. And other times, yes, it can be a car.
A car! That most glorious of machines, the most worthwhile product of human endeavor, yes, even a car can be the catalyst that brings out your Inner Jerk. And not just any inner jerk: your inner driving jerk.
For me, the car proved to be a Lotus. Not the lovely old Lotus above, which I just stuck in here for the hell of it, but a 2014 Lotus Evora I had for a week back when I worked at the Old Site to do one of my Will It Baby stories, back when my kid still fit that description.
The car was phenomenal to drive, and it just felt so damn good when you pushed it. It was a car that really worked with you to make driving engaging. The problem was you had to sort of be in an engaging driving situation to take advantage of it. And that meant this car helped unleash some really jerky driving habits in me, just to force engaging driving situations.
Did I weave in and out of slower traffic like I was in a rally just because it felt so damn good? I sure did. Did I take off too fast at stoplights and send it into highway on-ramps at twice the legal speed just to get that sensation through the wheels and pedals, to feel my body shift with the weight of the car, to be intoxicated by the speed and control and visceral feeling of the car as a prosthetic, and extension and enhancement of your own body?
Did driving like that make me a jerk? Absolutely. A big jerk.
Now, I’m very used to occasionally driving cars with performance well above my daily driver. My daily has 52 horsepower; it’s a pretty low bar. So I often find myself unwittingly speeding in press cars, but I’m still not driving like an absolute jerk, like I did in that Lotus. Even in really powerful, fast cars, I can usually contain myself. In those, it’s not so much that I drive like a jerk as it is that I feel frustrated, because having to hold back a 500+ hp car in traffic has all the joy of stopping peeing mid-stream. It’s frustrating.
But that Lotus! That wonderful, intoxicating Lotus, it made me a stupid jerk, and I love it for that, but I’m also glad I don’t own one, because I’d feel guilty all the time, knowing what a jackass I am on the road. Our own Mercedes drove one fairly recently, and I think she would back me up here.
Maybe I’d get used to it? Maybe. Luckily, I can’t afford a Lotus, so I think the roads are safe from one more jerk, at least for a while.
I drive my work van like a terrorist on the way back to the shop. I don’t mean to but there’s something about being in a big fat v8 van and the only thing keeping me from leaving is traffic. North Carolina traffic, specifically. Edit: also the rental mitsubishi mirage I had in New York. I legitimately was driving like I stole it for a whole week, I don’t even know why
In 2006, I bought my first new car. A Mini Cooper S. That car made it seem like the rest of the world was stuck in molasses. It was so nimble and quick and athletic. I was constantly taking small gaps in traffic. Not sure if it qualifies as jerk driving. But I never had time for all the slow pickups and SUVs and minivans.
As a fellow Cooper S driver, I will confirm that it is definitely the car and not the driver. They are possessed.
I hate to say it, but anything that sends power to the rear wheels for me. I’m pretty safe in traffic, but if the road is generally clear and I have a clear-sight turn ahead, I’m going to kick the rear out rounding the corner.
Any vehicle I’m driving when I really need to get to a restroom before suffering from a busted bladder. The older one gets, the shorter the warning from your body becomes.
If I may quote:
https://www.jalopnik.com/how-to-pee-in-your-car-and-keep-your-pants-dry-1658903998/
After test driving an Alfa Giulia Quadrifoglio, well, let’s just say my drivers license would have lasted less than a month if I’d bought it.
If you own an Altima – I guarantee a 9/10 chance you drive like a jerk.
I’ve noticed lately that older Rogues are rating about 8/10 on that scale now.
No lies detected.
We inherited one. I am the 10% in this case.
It just feels at home making a right on red, or blocking someone zipper merging into my lane.
Versa?
When I had my SR-swapped S13, I left the speed limiter in place.
I banged off that speed limiter every day. I would be suspended from my 4-point harness like I had just stomped on the brakes when it kicked in.
With my FR-S, those impulses were still very strong (IMHO, the 86 twins are the spiritual successors of the Nissan S line, not the AE86), but I could also drive it like a normal person.
As far as what car makes me drive like a full aggressive maniac? Whatever vehicle I’m driving when I make it to Boston. Sure, let yourself maintain a safe gap to the car in front. Welcome to the suburbs, because that’s as far as you’ll make it.
Christ, Boston drivers are on a different level. I’m a city person, and I jaywalk like a professional – I’ve sauntered my way across city streets on four continents, but I’ve never come so close to dying as I have in Boston. Every time I go to that city I have to remind myself that those fuckers don’t stop just because there’s someone in the street – driving in Boston is a contact sport.
Boston is legendary!
I warned a friend that went there.
He had a car totaled in weeks, and it was parked off the street.
He drove fast, but that place is on another level.
I would have said a Loyus Evora, I concur with Mr. Torchinsky, they are very very tempting, but the Rolls Royce Seraph is a whole new level of jerk inducing. There are smaller and cheaper inhabited islands than that thing, yet if you are a total jerk it drives like a massive Lotus but
Transit bus. My passengers expected me to be on time.
That would have to be my lovingly restored 1974 Jensen Healey. I did everything wrong bought the cheapest but buying the second cheapest with different problems helps on the cost. But I ended up moving from Eureka Ca to Santa Maria CA where I entrusted a mechanic, don’t worry he had an English accent, to restore it. Then left it with him while I moved to Vermont, and then Pennsylvania, the mechanic didn’t finish it and decided to move back to England, the Jensen Healey Preservation Society hooked me up with a member who went and picked it up and said he would finish it. Then I moved to Texas and he finished it. Had it shipped to me after the first drive all the transmission fluid was discharged due to him putting the gasket in backwards. Found a mechanic in texas to fix that but in the meantime moved to Arizona about this time Texas had a hurricane, the mechanic put it up on the lift so no issues. He finished it and I had it shipped to me. Got it registered in AZ surprisedly easily. So once I road tested it and was sure it was fine I took that bitch out and with the great roads and high speed limits I was just doing it. My first outside of town I was cruising noticed a car back a few miles on the mountain that was catching up. It was the first time I looked at the speedometer, buried well over 100 mph. I slowed to the speed limit, after 5 or so minutes that car caught up, yes a cop. He asked did I know why he stopped me. I said I might have been going a tad over the limit. He asked did I know how fast I was going , I said kind of the old speedometer bounced around. He asked how fast I thought, I requested that instead he tells me how fast he clocked me. He said 95mph and I said I’m good with that. We ended up talking about the car along side the highway for over half an hour but not a ticket. Cops are cool if you are cool
My Ford Fiesta ST. I always say it’s like having a devil in both ears shouting “do it, you know you want to…”
Same! I’ve always considered myself a fairly tame driver, but my FiST made me drive like an absolute hooligan.
Doesn’t matter what I’m driving if I’m behind a brodozer with smog delete and curb rashed tires sticking 4″ outside the fenders, I will be an idiot to get in front of them rather than suck their tail emissions.
Mitsubishi Evo. I had always wanted one and was planning on getting the stripped down jungle edition at a great price. A friend got one first and let me drive it. I turned into an instant jerk. The problem was the car was incredibly dull until you got to 80 mph. Then it came alive and every other car just seemed like an orange cone in a parking lot. Saw my potential self and it scared me off from buying one.
I was assigned a Ford Fiesta for a hot minute. Absolute best car to rage at the world. Bury the throttle all you want, drive like it’s a cart – no one on the outside could really tell you were having the time of your life.
I liked the way my e36 sounded when I wound it out. I also like the supercharger whine in the R53.
Maybe these comments about it being a “BMW” thing are right…
This depends on the definition, but if we’re talking aggressive and angry, then eunuchmobiles. It’s tough to gauge the days when I had PTSD because I was just about always ready to go off, so going with post-therapy me, I found I get road rage far more readily in vehicles that are boring and shitty to drive. I noticed this especially when my GR86 was in the shop for 1.5 months crash damage this winter and I had an Equinox rental. The thing was perfectly fine for what it was and I was actually impressed by the power of such a small engine in that thing (turbo or no), but traffic made me far more angry as I couldn’t wait to get home and get out of it. It’s not just the driving experience and frustration of traffic, it’s the “suit” of the car and how I picture myself with it that I find irritating. I think this comes from Head #3, who’s really judgmental and haughty (yet he was fine with some rusty ancient Subarus, go figure).
As for more antisocial kind of fast driving for enjoyment, I don’t get a lot of opportunity around here and I’m not one to weave through traffic beyond passing
a CRVsomeone leading a parade, but I take ramps fast when I can. I’ve always done that unless I’m in a truck or a land yacht (been a while) because the former can’t and feels dangerous as well as unsatisfying and the latter can’t, but the laid back attitude of those cars means I have no desire to (which is a big reason why I like them in spite of being against so many of my automotive values, like small size, efficiency, and handling).The temptation to open up the Mondial is well-tempered by the fact that it’s the only one in town and jerkitude WILL come back to haunt me.
We rented a Mustang in Miami a couple of years ago and it has a button that, if I remember correctly, was labeled “Asshole Mode,” and it suuuuuuure was satisfying to make it sound off. I held back, but I didn’t completely restrain myself because, you know, Miami.
I live near Woodward in Detroit (Dream Cruise). There was a local that had his Mustang in “Shitty Neighbor Mode” for a few weeks this summer – morning, weeknights, etc. I’m pretty sure the Beverly Hills Cops put an end to that. I still see the car, don’t hear it anymore.
YES. I came to the comments to say every Mustang I’ve owned and driven has had this effect, and I know I’m not the only one (Foxbody leaving cars n coffee comes to mind).
Any EV. It doesn’t have to be fast or anything. I will mat it doing 0-30 pulls down city streets all night.
Yeah, I don’t know or care what the top speed is, but I know I can make it to the speed limit real goddam fast and putt along contentedly until the next light.
I purposefully bought one of the weakest GM EV’s when I was buying. It’s too easy to ride that wave of instant torque and do whatever you need to do in an EV.
The Rivian that we have is a big offender but it was the Tesla S plaid that we had for a few days that made me my worst. It was so easy to be a massive jerk on the freeway, just point and squirt and you can pass everything else.
BMWs hands down.
If you ever feel useless, like your life has no purpose, just remember that someone in the BMW factory installs the turn signals.
I’ve always heard that issue is BMW installs the turn signal levers under the seat.
Wait… you mean that the arrows on that stick on the left means it does something other than allow you to flash your brights?
Any car with a bad transmission. You’ll slow down way before a red light hoping it will change while traffic piles up behind you. If the light’s green you’ll crowd the car in front hoping it will hurry through so you don’t have to stop.
Wait, weaving in and out of traffic and mashing the gas on on ramps makes you a jerk? o.O
There’s definitely a bar you can cruise under! To me there’s a pretty clear line between “spirited” and “aggressive.” My philosophy is “Signal, and don’t make anybody including myself use the brakes.”
That’s my rule, if they didn’t have to hit the brakes then I didn’t cut them off. And on the rare occasion where I may have made someone hit the brakes I always give the friendly “I’m sorry” wave.
Where I am natural gas drilling is a pretty big industry.All the flatbed diesel trucks with welding equipment seem to have an abundance of idiots behind the wheel.
I live right by the port and our trucks all drive at idle speeds on arterials. They’re not unpredictable idiots, just company-mandated jerks. I know gas is expensive, but so is time!
BMWs, seems to be a built in option. Turn signals? what are those.
When I first drove a BMW Z3, it took me a solid couple seconds to find the turn stalk because it was so far down on the steering wheel (like 7 to 8 o’clock). It is also way too easy to set/cancel it with my left knee, which happens occasionally when shifting.
Not saying that this excuses BMW drivers’ chronic lack of turn signals, but it does explain it a little…
Don’t ever try looking for the turn signal stock in an updated Tesla model 3, it is a futile effort.
Must be nice to live somewhere where only BMW drivers fail to find the turn signal. About half the people here don’t seem to know what the stick-thingy behind the left side of the steering wheel is there for,
I love Audis and Teslas. They make us BMW people look like saints.