Let’s say you have a time machine, why not? It’s not a great time machine, though; you ordered it from Temu, and it feels pretty janky, made of brittle-seeming plastics and terrible upholstery. Plus, what looked like a sophisticated control panel in the ad turns out to be just a decal with two buttons on it. One is labeled “50 YEARS AGO,” and the other says “RETURN TO PRESENT.” The only other control is a long, spindly lever just cryptically labeled “ADJUSTMENT.” There’s no cupholder. The one good thing about it is that, when fully expanded, it’s easily big enough to hold a car.
In reading through the instructions, you find out a few things: it runs on a strange mix of vinegar, goat blood, and paraffin in a 10:5:9 ratio, it can only take you back exactly 50 years, and anything living that wishes to travel in it must be wearing a full latex bodysuit. So what are you going to do with this thing now that you’ve spent almost $138 on it? Going back 50 years isn’t enough for the time machine staple of killing Baby Hitler or anything like that, so what would be fun in 1976? Watch Operation Tall Ships as part of the Bicentennial Celebration? Visit a McDonald’s that still knew nothing of the McRib? Fly on the first Concorde flights? I have a better idea.
Buy a car.
Here’s how you’re going to do it: using 2026 technology, you’ll forge yourself a perfect cashier’s check for $50,000, which should be enough to buy you whatever car you want. You should probably trailer the time machine to locations or cities where you know the most car dealer options are available, so you have as many to pick from as possible. This is a time machine, not a space machine, after all. You may also want to bring clothes other than the latex bodysuit the machine demands you wear; that’s your call.
But what do you pick? There are so many possibilities! What about an MG Midget? 
Or maybe something really ’70s, like a Pacer?
…or a Mercury Capri? Those were pretty fun!
What if you wanted to be a real sicko and get something like a Pontiac Sunbird, so you can bring it back and be almost certain to have the best Sunbird in the world in 2026?
I bet you could do the same with a Volare:
A minty ’76 Suburban could be a fun counter to all the modern SUVs:
How about a really early Honda Accord? You never see those on the road anymore?
You could go weird and get a Lancia Gamma! I never said these had to be reliable cars, after all!
For me, I might be predictable and just go for a nice, fresh, new VW Beetle. I think a convertible. 
What would you pick? Assuming, as I mentioned, you have to physically get the time machine to the location you want it to be in on your own? Sky’s the limit! Well, I guess the limit is a forged $50,000 cashier’s check, which reminds me, you should probably head back to the future as soon as you can after buying the car, in case anyone gets wise.
Top graphic image: Volkswagen
That metallic lime green Beetle sedan is calling to me. I’m ordering it with cloth seats and sunroof.
Oh, it’s got to be a Westfalia with the green plaid and wood grain interior.
1976 Honda Civic CVCC 5-speed (see my profile pic). Fun to drive, great space utilization, parkable anywhere, 44 MPG on the highway. Pretty much the ideal city car of the era. I remember parking mine in an alley in San Francisco’s financial district when I couldn’t find street parking for an interview. Car was still there when I returned, no parking ticket, and I got the job. Good car-ma.
I’m buying 3 Jaguar XJ12C’s…. That way I’ll have two pristine parts cars that are sure to be needed.
Volkswagen EA489 Basistransporter
Air Cooled VW engine, FWD, CAB OVER with a 3 seats!
And I’d pay them to put in one of the ZF transaxles with the constant 50-50 power split that works the opposite way an open diff does.
Chrysler Cordoba, Lincoln Continental Mark IV (or V if I waited until the ’77’s hit the lots in October, but I don’t want a square headlight Cordoba). I’d probably pick up a Gran Torino station wagon too. And if there was enough left over, I’d scout around for a used ’72 Ranchero in decent shape.
Of course, that depends on the time machine being good for more than one use.
Alternatively, I’d skip the cars and buy 50 grand worth of Lego sets.
My 1976 Lancia Scorpion just turned 50 last month. I would buy her new in less than a heartbeat!
I’d buy the same vehicle my dad bought in ’76, a Bronco. BUT, I would not let my dipshit kid drive it thru high school in the 80’s and treat it like crap.
Definitely a Toyota 😀
The Celica is cool AF, and 76/77 was the last year of the first gen
The Cressida is awesome too, and of course there’s a wagon
The tuff Hilux has to be on the list too
For something “American” the Mercury Capri. Yeah that Mk2 Capri is awesome and also a hatchback.
To test out the system and buy something new it would be a 1976 Cadillac Fleetwood Talisman.
Otherwise, this is set up like wishing for more wishes. I can forge cashier’s checks and have a functioning Torchmatic time machine? Yeah, the fleet is going to grow fast.
I was thinking about time machines recently, and realized that you damn well better hope it’s a space machine, too. Going back in time, and only back in time, leaves you 50 years ahead of Earth. Better bring some snacks (I’m a fan of Combos myself) and one of those cozy puffy jackets.
I’ve never considered this aspect of time travel. I’ve always got caught up on the paradoxes and the ‘duplicating yourself’ issues with it…
…I never considered that if you just ‘blipped back in time’ without considering WHERE you happen to be in the universe. The planet you blipped from in 2026 is definitely NOWHERE NEAR the same planet’s position in 1976.
Definitely bring snacks, a blanket, and a towel.
TL;DR: Time travel IS impossible.
That’s what the Delorean and Mr Fusion are for.
Might be time for a BMW. 1976 530i with a 4-speed manual. It’s going to feel positively light, spry and futuristic for the era and they still look cool now.
Sweet cars from before I was born… Oh, wait. Dammit, not fair to remind me I’m getting old.
A very hard to find (only a few were built) an early 70s Challenger CONVERTIBLE with a shaker hood with a rattlingV-8 and 4-on-the-floor. (too far back to say “Miata”) 🙂
Click & drool…
https://photos.classiccars.com/cc-temp/listing/203/1266/57117928-1971-dodge-challenger-thumb.jpg
the good Challenger didn’t come out until 78 (model year 78, so it was likely available in 77), so you’d have to wait another year 😛
1976 Alpine A110 1300
Oh yes.
Oh wait, not here.
How am I the first to say the correct answer:
Trans Am!
*cough* I said it first *cough* haha
You weren’t there when I started typing
But I agree with you!
not exactly, as the 76/77 Hurst T-tops were smaller.
The Fisher T-tops that came in 78 (model year 78, so they went on sale in 77) are much bigger and cooler.
78 gets you the cool front end and the big T-tops 😀
I’ll take either kind of T-top, but I’m absolutely waiting the extra months for the good front end. The ’76 just ain’t right. My neighbor down the street has a ’76 in really nice shape, but keeps it covered. I think it’s out of shame for its ugly face.
My new favorite hobby. Take the first paragraph of every torch article and have AI illustrate it.
Second favourite hobby: have an AI generate fake cars and have Torch describe them.
Rover SD1, with the ex-Buick Rover V8. Launched 1976
An AMC Hornet 2-door sedan, then drive it out to Los Altos and see if three guys could use a silent partner with $47,000 cash to help get their new computer company off the ground
Thinking about it now that you mention it, an AMC might be the most 1976 choice possible. Think I could find an unsold Javelin on a lot somewhere?
Hey, it works for Dodge!
Just make sure you throw your $47k at the right guys, Otherwise you’d come back to the present and you’d still be poor with your stack of Atari stocks in your sock drawer.
Atari was bought out for $26 million that year ($149.3 million today, inflation adjusted), they were way past the startup stage by then
Well since 1977 model year cars would come out later in the year I would get a 77 Trans Am with T-tops either black and gold like bandit, the all gold ones or a red one.
the 77 TA T-tops were tiny, so you’d be better off waiting a year until the much larger Fisher T-tops came in 77 for the 78 model year
78 gets you the cool front end and the big Fisher T-tops
I thought 76 was the tiny ttops and 77 on had the bigger ttops?Scratch that you are correct 77 were the smaller ones. Think 76 were some type of dealer option if I am not mistaken. I know the first bandit was actually a 76 they put a 77 front end on.
76 was a special limited edition TA that had the T-tops, then they became a regular option from 77-on for all Firebirds and Trans Ams.
They became available on the Camaro in 78, which means all the 2nd gen Camaros had Fisher T-tops.
I’m not buying any car from 1976. I’m buying some depreciated, low-mileage used cars, before time and rust have their way with them. Fifty grand will buy me a lot of luxury and power, if not much fuel economy. A ten-year old GTO? An Eldorado only driven by a little old lady on Sundays? Maybe a genuine Studebaker Avanti? All in the budget.
For new cars a Porsche 911S would have excellent resale then go back and buy a Lancia or Scirocco to own a rust free example
$50K was a lot of money in 1976, so I’m assuming there’s not a limit on how many cars I can buy, just how much I can spend. So, I’m getting a three-car garage: a BMW 3.0Si ($15,047, including $407 for an electric sunroof) for comfy cruising; a Porsche 911S coupe ($14,585, give or take a few bucks, including a sunroof and the chrome dress-up kit that you hardly ever see) for funsies; and a basic Volvo 245 ($7,495) for when I need to haul stuff.
That’s a total of $37,127; I’ll invest the remaining $12,873 into something that, by the time I return to 2026, will have made me as fabulously wealthy as I need to be to maintain a fleet of 50-year-old—but more or less new!—Euromobiles in smog-legal condition.
The Mercedes-Benz 450SEL 6.9 was introduced in Germany in fall of 1975.
So yeah, a fully-loaded, velour interior Euro-spec 1976 6.9
And with the change – a used 1961-62 300SL disc-brake Roadster, plus tickets to bring them both stateside aboard the QE2.
Oh shit. Yes yes yes. Or a 300SEL, if you’ll allow me to ride your coattails. The Red Pig lives rent-free in my head forever.
I think I’d buy 5 Panteras with that $50,000… One to keep, one for parts, and 3 to list on bring a trailer with 0 miles.
Much more interesting though would be to buy a second Temu time machine, take it with you back to 76, use it in 76 to go back to 26, and then buy up a bunch of Bugatti’s, Deusenberg’s etc.