From a bunch of Billy Joel hits to a chess match, it appears that anything can be an excuse to string a few songs together and print up the playbills. Nothing is off limits to make a musical about. Can the story of The Autopian be far behind? If so, what would Autopian: The Musical look like?
I’ve been to a few musical theaters over the years. At some point, I also had my wisdom teeth pulled. I would say the shows were a little bit more enjoyable than the dentist visit, but just barely so. Actually, if you gave me the choice of paying nearly a grand for a seat “in the room where it happens” to watch bad rapping Schoolhouse-Rock-style in an “innovative” play about the first Secretary of the Treasury, I think I’d rather have a prostate biopsy.
Still, some car-related musicals are worth watching (and yes, The Blues Brothers is a car musical.) In the small Canadian province of New Brunswick, a theater group made a full play based on the true story of how an American entrepreneur arrived fifty years ago and got the government to help finance a venture to build gull-winged sports cars.
“Bricklin: An Automotive Fantasy“ chronicled the quick rise and fall of the soon-to-be-Yugo-importer’s “safety sports car,” complete with period 1970s costumes and funky-sounding tunes.
As you can see below, Malcolm Bricklin actually attended the opening and claimed that the story and acting were “first rate.” He also stated that they got the whole story almost completely right, which doesn’t mean that it’s accurate.
I must say that a musical based on the world’s greatest automotive website might be fun to watch. I do wonder what the plot would be. Maybe the site’s founders’ dramatic journey from fleeing a rival site and going against the odds to make it.
Since we’re all working remotely and only connect via video meetings, maybe a Hollywood Squares-style set would be best for the musical, or at least Act I. I don’t want to appear so you can put me in the essentially empty upper left square where Triumph The Insult Dog is now:
Think of the rousing musical numbers in this thing! From the bittersweet “Please Don’t Let Google Take My Clicks Away” to the rocking “Too Much Jeep On My Hands” and the beautiful “Love Theme From Autopian,” you’d download the soundtrack immediately upon leaving the theater.
I’m out of ideas, though. It’s your turn: what would the plot of the musical be? What would the song titles and even lyrics be? What semi-famous or C-list actors would you cast? I have faith in you – we’re going straight to Broadway, baby!
Top graphic image: Frederickton Playhouse
Torch is maybe the easiest one to cast, because that’s obviously Timothée Chalamet
The gang is all in LA for the Galpin Auto Show. One night Torch goes to the seediest taillight bar in the world. He’s possibly had a few too many and espouses some unpopular views with the locals. They decide to kidnap Torch and hold him for ransom. What follows is the rest of The Autopian staff doing their best to rescue the beloved co-creator before the worst taillight enthusiasts you can imagine use Jason’s body to conduct electricity for the world’s highest current draw taillights.
As they search industrial areas in LA, they come across many other lesser known underbelly automotive enthusiasts – the Goth Corvette owners who only wear black jorts and black New Balances, the Miata owners who inexplicably dress up as Harley owners, the rotary engine enthusiasts who take it so seriously they only eat Doritos for every meal, and many, many more.
Songs include:
“Knockin’ on Heaven’s Oil Pan”
“Summer of ’69 (Corvettes)”
“Under the Bridgeport”
“My Own Worst Enemy (is my Harbor Freight torque wrench)”
Will they rescue Torch in time before he becomes a taillight?
There ought to be a song called “Shitpost Showdown” combining two of everyone’s favorite content themes, but I’d add that the vocals need to have the high and low tones clipped off so it sounds like you’re literally phoning it in.
Or it’s being replayed on an old Apple computer.
It’s clearly a road trip. You can do a road trip play right? It would have to be a road trip. Starting in Detroit, with the bright lights and opportunity of LA as a destination. From there it’s “Two guys and a Changli” and their adventures across America. Along the way they meet the most curious and interesting people! Especially since they have to stop and charge a lot. There’s some tension right from the start – they have to sell 16 rusted Jeeps before leaving to pay for charging and stops at White Castle. The Changli unfortunately doesn’t make it all the way. They end up hitching a ride in a camper, then a bus, then stow away on a train. Somehow, all driven by the same person. When they finally reach LA, they are enchanted by the glamour, the lights, and the talent they see at the Lexus service window.
Daryl Morey, please pick up the white courtesy phone! (now that you have some time on your hands)
https://philadelphiatheatrecompany.org/small-ball/
If there’s not a Michigan Rust Free (TM) Jeep on-stage with some level of questionable “that’ll do” safety repair, then is the Autopian really represented?
One number in the second act, “Comment of the Day,” would feature a random audience member brought onto stage and some silly comment attributed to them from a selection of about 500 random “comments.” The seat number and comment would be chosen just before the show by an Apple IIe backstage.
It would be loosely modeled on Der Ring des Nibelungen, and revolve around a magic taillight that transforms cars into other, more interesting cars when it shines on them.
Autodammerung. The twilight of the enthusiast car.
Carlos Tavares would have to play Jon Lovitz during the TMD portion of the show.
I built a VW powered Smart Car on a 2CV chasis and now it’s full of rust?
Jason is absolutely the lead here. It’s obviously going to be about his fascination with taillights, and his theme is going to be Taillight Love (to the tune of Radar Love).
I don’t know who the villain will be played by, but their rivalry will be based upon their love for a different form of automotive illumination. Their theme? Paradise By The Dashboard Lights
Yes, Jason. Played by slapstick Mel Brooks back in his prime. David the romantic automotive everyman played by Chris Evans. Or maybe middle-age Bruce Springsteen.
A greek chorus of commenters?
And some neofuturist-level absurdity. Like performing on a semi flatbed driving across the country on I-70. Or flogging for blinker fluid during the intermission.
And the villains? Bean-counting private equity that drives a car-as-appliance.
A horrible AI villain would also be needed…working in cahoots with the private equity bad guys.
I think there’s a typo in there.
Shouldn’t that be a “GEEK chorus for commentors”?
oh so much better
There is l likely a few Greek Geeks…
Julian Smith made The Autopian Musical 16 years ago! It’s even an XJ!
Importantly, what’s the novelty popcorn bucket? That’s where the money is.
An old rusty Beetle or Jeep tail-light. Collect all variants!
Old headlight buckets would also work.
Not sure of the details but Neil Young would have to do the music because the title would be “Rust Never Sleeps”
I haven’t seen Widows Bay, but I imagine it would be a good setting for the sort of alternative universe that Autopian dwells in! Lots of local color, so to speak…