One of my wife’s favorite stories is about the time when someone stole her Pontiac Bonneville, and apparently, it was such a pile of crap that the thief eventually returned the vehicle in the same condition it was stolen in. I had a somewhat relatable experience earlier this year, when a porch pirate stole my FCP Euro shipment, opened the box, and found that they had committed a pretty big crime just to get BMW E61 coolant hoses. They were kind enough to return my hoses undamaged!
Anyway, Adrian has written about how the Autopian SsangYong Rodius will no longer be legal to drive on September 20, so he’s begging someone, anyone, to please buy it so he doesn’t have to worry about hating it anymore. IRegertNothing, Esq.:
High crime area, doors unlocked, keys on the driver’s seat. Let nature take its course from there. As a bonus you could start a pool where we bet on how long it will take before someone actually steals it.
D-dub:
“I left my Rodius unlocked with the keys in my garage, and someone broke in and left another one next to it!”
Arch Duke Maxyenko:
Just put a brick on the accelerator and let it drive itself to America.
Taco Shackleford:
I will trade you a book about submarines or naval ships for the spoiler on the Rodius. Just the spoiler, I want nothing else.
Adrian Clarke:
No deal. You take the whole thing. I know what I got.
This feels like a variation on the “gas cap for a Yugo” joke, and I love it.
Canopysaurus:
Alas the poor Rodius,
Its aspect’s nothing short of odious.
Too get rid of this blight,
Has become Adrian’s plight,
Please buy, it’s truly commodious.
Some of the marks of the Autopian are our willingness to talk about the important topics of poop. Brian wrote about how this year’s annual Saab convention turned into a poop disaster. Rippstik:
When you’re shifting into first and you hear something burst.
Diarrhea.
Diarrhea.
The NSX Was Only in Development for 4 Years:
I’m not sure how, but I blame GM.
JurassicComanche25:
If you’re having gut problems, I feel bad for you, son. I’ve got 99 toilets, and paper in none.
For those of you who aren’t into profanity, this will be the end of the road for you. Have a great night!
For the rest of you fellow adults with the sense of humor of a teenager: Jason wrote about how here’s an off-brand tire out there called Fuckstone, and yeah, somehow it’s a real thing! LTDScott:
New, from the makers of Dickass brakes…
Vanillasludge:
Fuckstones, meet the Fuckstones, they’re the modern stone age family…
Top Dead Center:
Whatever you drive, drive a Fuckstone…
JJ:
There’s a simple reason they haven’t sued: Firestone is the imposter, profiting off Fuckstone’s legendary commitment to quality and craftsmanship.
Balloondoggle:
Will there eventually be a Fuckstone blimp? Might as well see if you can piss off Goodyear, too.
Cody:
That would be their sister company “Goodfuck”.
Have a great evening, everyone!
No offence, Mercedes, we get it. Your trans. OK, really sick of hearing about your wife all of the time. On every other article, BTW. I’m a conservative old gay dude. The other posters on this site don’t feel the need to include there significant other on about every damm article. I’m old and gay, and really tired of this trans crap being shoved down my, and others, throat all of the time. I worked hard to get acceptance for just being gay and a car freak, and you are not helping the cause continually bringing your trans lifestyle up at every convenience. You are one of my favorite authors on this site, and one of the biggest reasons I subscribed, but please gurl, enough is enough! This is a car site and I really wish you’d leave the secret political Agena you apparently have out of it. Write your amazing articles, and keep your wife out of them!!!! Trust me, it’s not helping our cause one bit. My generation took steps for acceptance, and you are taking miles! NOT OK! to all of the haters in the comments I know are coming up. Melt little snow flakes, melt, and fuck off in advance.
Respectfully, I disagree with your premise and accusation. No part of this post, or any post I have written recently, mentions anything about my trans identity. I keep that stuff largely to my social media accounts, and even then, I barely even use social media. Yes, I have a wife, and I talk about her. David talks about his wife, as does Jason. Matt, Jason, and David all talk about their kids, too. I am concerned about a double standard being applied to me. Wife talk has nothing to do with gender identity. Your claim that I talk about being trans at every convenience is incorrect.
To be completely clear here, I wrote about how my wife’s crappy Pontiac Bonneville was stolen and then later returned. That’s it. There is no deeper meaning or political agenda there. Politics were not even mentioned here until your comment. Search for any mention of “trans” in my stories. Aside from one or two special stories, you’ll see that the only “trans” I write about with any real frequency is about the transmissions attached to cars, trains, and motorcycles. I say what I mean and I mean what I say. I do not like beating around the bush. If I want some part of my identity to be relevant to a story, I will make it known early on. Having a spouse is nothing special. I mean, David talks about his spouse so much that readers joke about “Not Her Real Name.”
I mean this with all of the love and respect that I give everyone, but while I welcome your criticism about mentions of my wife, I will not stop mentioning her when it’s relevant. I have been doing this for five years now, and aside from extremely rare instances like this comment, there has never been a problem. Most readers love what I write, and nobody complains that I might mention my wife once in a while.
If you think that means I’m “taking miles,” I am genuinely, truly sorry. But let’s be real here, at the end of the day, the occasional mention of my wife here and there won’t make a single bit of difference as to what happens to people like me or people like you. But thank you for the criticism, nonetheless.
Howdy! It’s me, the old straight progressive Matt. I write about my kid, my wife, my ex girlfriends… no one seems to care? I feel like it’s a double standard to make her pretend like she’s not married, though I’m ok with her not mentioning the part about her being a Yankees fan.
Ah crap…uh, go Cubs go?
yup, ole crap, go Cubs! Honestly Mercedes, I was a bit harsh. You need to understand, being your age back in the 80s meant if you came out at work as gay, you were fired. I survived the Aids crisis, out of all of my gay friends I had back then through college and stuff, only 2 are still alive. The others died from the booty flu as we called it back then. The acceptance of trans stuff is a new frontier. I honestly was contemplating a sex change back in the 80s because in my mind if I were to be a girl society would accept my love of the male gender. I even lived as a women for 2 years under the guidance of my counselor before I were to transition. That changed my mind real quick, pantyhose suck! I decided life was better by accepting my gayness. Back then, men really treated women like poo!!!Thank God I didn’t do it, I couldn’t imagine being a 60 year old women (Mona was the name I would have chosen) with these big ass scarred from working on cars hands of mine .Times progressed. Being gay and fighting for rights like we did back then, a lot of us old homos feel like the trans movement has grabbed our coat tails and is trying to ride the tails of what we fought for. I just want us all to have peace and live life. And you, Mercedes, truly are the reason I subscribed. I love your RV articles (amongst all of your articles). Funny, an old fag like me has issues accepting the new Normals. If you refer to me as a gay boomer you will be forgiven in advance LOL! I am a gay boomer, God help me. Now give me an article about a new 5th wheel with 6 slides, OK? I don’t even care if Cheryl comes along for the ride. And for the love of Pete, Mercedes, would it kill you to include a floorplan of the new RV’s you reviewed? Geeeeez girl! Save me from googling them!
uuuuuggghhhh!
My first car was a used first gen MR2, which was ultimately stolen…
So for my second car I bought something I didn’t like, a Tercel (don’t remember year), with ugly rear lights… one day I come out and the lights were stolen…
It takes one incredibly sick fuck to steal the tail lights off of a Tercel. I’m sure there is a special place in Jasons tail light hell for them. they will never see an amber signal on a vehicles butt end again. for ever, and ever!
https://www.hagerty.com/media/advice/a-few-things-to-know-before-you-steal-my-914/
That was a fantastic read!
Fuckstone Deluxe Champion. That’s how I would like to be known.
I am fully functional, after all.
Even thieves have standards.
Wow, comment section was on fire!!
To be fair, some of those articles were basically slow-pitching a beach ball to the comment section. 😉
Thanks for the shoutout Mercedes! I wanted to give Uncle Adrian a way to offload the Odius that was at least a little more legal than rolling it into the Thames.
Brakes don’t need to smart to work properly?
Just making sure since I just upgraded my car’s brakes to Bimbos
Do they have exceptionally large calipers?
My dad once accidently left his bike outside after going for a ride one evening. The thing was in such bad shape that someone stole it, got to the end of the driveway and realized it had virtually no brakes and wobbled like mad and left it leaning against the armour stone wall by the sidewalk. He woke up in a panic realizing he had left it outside, figured it was long gone then found it when he left for work in the morning.
And just a couple of years later he got a new bike.
It sounds like IRegertNothing, Esq. is advocating the Lewis Grizzard approach with the Rodius. In one of his books, he told the story of the worst car he ever owned, a brown Chevy Vega that he said racked up more miles going up and down on the mechanic’s lift than forward and backward on the road. He hated it so much, he started leaving the keys in it hoping it would get stolen.
One day he happened to catch someone in the act of stealing it.
It wouldn’t start.
He offered the thief a jump.
The thief politely declined and ran away. Dammit, so close. LOL
I got the idea from submissions to Car Talk for the worst cars of all time. One guy said his dad left their Pinto in the far back of a parking lot at a sketchy shopping mall, keys in it, and then went on a trip for the weekend. He was disgusted to find it still there when he got back.
I once co-owned a truly terrible BMW 320 (matte black, no grille, binbag instead of a rear window) and in an attempt to get rid of it the other owner left it in a Tesco car park in Coventry, all four doors open and the keys in the ignition.
Two hours later he came back to find someone had shut the doors.
Aah, Coventry. That BMW must have been truly terrible.
When I was a student at the Poly, one of my classmates was looking for a secondhand bicycle. He tried bicycle shops, then secondhand shops, but was having no luck. When he related his plight to a secondhand shop owner, the owner went behind the counter, pulled out a bolt-cutter and offered to sell it to him.
“Just go round the back of the adult education institute and nick one. That’s what everyone else does.”