As some of you already guessed, my poorly-formed plan for the week was to bombard you with Ford Tempos, putting a different one up against something weird every day. But consider yourselves lucky; I have run out of things to say about the stupid things, so I’m abandoning that plan. Instead, I’m going to make you choose between the would-be competitors to those other two Tempos.
Yesterday, we looked at arguably the best Tempo ever built, and the most notorious Renault ever sold here. Kudos to the twenty-four percent of you who voted for the Fuego; you’re my kind of weird. The Tempo is almost certainly the better car, but the Fuego is the more noble choice.
I owned a ’92 Ford Tempo for a couple of years, and it actually wasn’t a bad car. I had pretty good luck with it, then I sold it to my brother, who had considerably worse luck. I still don’t think he has entirely forgiven me for that car. Mostly what it was, though, was painfully, relentlessly dull. A V6 and a five-speed would probably wake it up some, but I don’t care enough about it to find out. I’ll take the Fuego, get it running, and sell it on to some other hopeless romantic, and then be able to say I once owned a French car.
That’s the thing about choosing cars for this column: there has to be a hook. A car can’t just be old and worn-out; it has to be old and worn-out in an interesting way. It can’t just be a bad car; it has to be legendarily catastrophic. And bonus points if it’s funny-looking, either by design or condition. There are plenty of old cheap used cars on the market that would make far better transportation than the ones I show you, but they’re boring. I don’t want to write about them, and you don’t want to read about them. So we’ll skip any further explorations of Ford’s exercise in mediocrity, and look at some cars more worthy of the title “shitbox.”
1984 Cadillac Seville – $2,500
Engine/drivetrain: 4.1-liter OHV V8, four-speed automatic, FWD
Location: Coldwater, MI
Odometer reading: 39,000 miles (probably rolled over)
Operational status: Runs and drives
The original Seville was Cadillac’s first attempt at downsizing its cars. And really, the first Seville was pretty good; it had decent styling, a good list of features, and a powerful (for the time) Oldsmobile V8 under the hood. In typical GM fashion, however, the second generation ruined pretty much all of that.
The second-generation Seville switched to front-wheel drive, using the Oldsmobile Toronado’s architecture. In place of the Oldsmobile V8, however, it used either a 368 cubic inch version of Cadillac’s own V8, or the much-maligned Oldsmobile diesel V8. In 1981, the situation got even worse when the 368 became the variable-displacement V8-6-4. Luckily, that mistake only lasted a year, after which it was replaced by the “High Technology” 4.1-liter V8, which is what this one has. The HT4100, as it became known, has its own host of problems, but the seller says this one runs and drives, at least. The odometer reads 39,000, which may be original, and it may not be.
It’s a bit of a mess inside. The leather is torn, and the dashboard is cracked. The headliner and rear deck are all torn up, too. I think there’s an overhead console that is dangling by its wires. And part of the underside of the dash looks disassembled. Basically, it’s hosed.
It’s not much better outside. The paint is coming off in sheets, it has a cracked taillight, and the grille is missing. As if the Seville’s “bustleback” trunk style wasn’t ugly enough, someone decided to stick an aftermarket Continental kit on it. Oh, and it’s a Michigan car, so it’s probably rusty underneath, too.
1996 Honda Accord EX – $2,950
Engine/drivetrain: 2.2-liter OHC inline 4, four-speed automatic, FWD
Location: Portland, OR
Odometer reading: 293,000 miles
Operational status: Runs and drives well
People repaint cars for all sorts of reasons. Maybe it’s damage repair, or maybe it’s just because they wanted to change the color. Sometimes, though, you wonder what the owner was thinking. Who looks at a bottle of Pepto-Bismol and thinks, “That color would look great on my Honda”?
The fifth-generation Honda Accord is a hell of a car, maybe the best of the breed, actually. It has a 2.2-liter four-cylinder that makes enough power, it has all the comfort and convenience stuff you could want without being gimmicky, and it’s incredibly reliable. This one has almost 300,000 miles on it, and it still runs great, according to the seller.
We don’t get any photos of the front seats, only the rear. The rear seats are in good condition, but that’s not really an indication; lots of cars spend their lives with no one riding in the back. At 293,000 miles, I get the feeling that the driver’s seat, at least, is in pretty bad shape.
If you can get past the lurid color and the stupid clear lights, it’s actually not in terrible shape outside. The wheels are probably not to everyone’s taste either, but personally, I don’t hate them. And since it’s a Portland car, it probably isn’t rusty. It does, however, have a salvage title for an undisclosed reason. It could have been in an accident, or it could be a theft recovery.
I don’t know that either of these is any better than yet another Tempo; I just know I couldn’t write about another of those damn cars, and I’m pretty sure you all didn’t want to read about another one either. Instead, you have a ratty Caddy and a pink Accord to choose from. I make no apologies.
My dad had a 95 Accord EX-R (5 speed) and that was a great car. Despite the colour and auto it is a no brainer to vote for it. Also, at some point over a march break in high school the lockers were poorly painted in a very similar shade.
Also, I always found those bustle backed cars weird looking as a kid and I haven’t remotely come around on their styling.
The Seville is an absolute no go. I can smell those photos.
I’m trying really hard to click the button for the Honda, but I can’t even allocate $3,000 virtual dollars to a car with 300K miles and a salvage title. I’d rather spend the money on an entire night sitting alone eating Kraft singles. That should have been the third choice.
Easier to fix pink than to fix everything.
I’d go with the Accord if only it didn’t remind of past indigestion.
That Cadillac looks like it housed a family of raccoons.
“(probably rolled over)”
I assume we’re talking about the back end of that Seville here? If so, the question I’ve always wondered about is “by what?”
Bill Mitchell’s ego
Ah, was hoping for another Tempo. My associate got a kick out of the two for sale. He used to have one and talks about it often. I don’t think I’m going to get the same chuckle showing him the Mary Kay car.
Now I’m wondering if tomorrow’s going to be Oops! All Tempos!
I really hate the pink but the sheet metal all appears to be more or less the shape it’s supposed to be, and what we can see of the interior looks okay. For this price, I’d spend a hundred bucks on Krylon and spray it something less dreadful and call it good enough, and maybe hit the Pull A Part for front seats if necessary, or just Walmart for covers.
The Caddy, meanwhile, looks leprotic on the inside and while the weird bustleback styling of the trunk makes it look like someone tried to slam the garage door on it really hard, the Continental kit compounds the manufacturer’s bad idea with a previous owner’s similarly poor judgment. At least in exchange for all of this awfulness you get to say you have a V8 under the hood, but being a 4100 there’s reason to lie and say it’s something else. The Olds engine was the choice to look for with these things.
One interesting note on the 4100 – the “High Tech” 4100 would display damn near every engine parameter it was monitoring on the climate control display, which was pretty impressive for the time.
Honda today.
I think I’m one of a handful of Autopians who don’t mind the Caddy Bustleback. As I’ve written here previously, my old man had one – the infamous diesel version – in two tone gold with wire wheel covers. Teenage me found it interesting to drive and ride in, and a definite contrast to the Mustang that I was driving at the time. This one, however, has no redeeeming qualities or value for that matter. I might even be able to overlook the 4100 if there was something else going on…a decent interior, or perhaps even a baseline straight exterior. This has none of that, and a rat’s nest of fail everwhere the eye can see. I’ll take the pink nightmare paint job Honda and start pricing wrap jobs – perhaps something in a completely un-interesting shade of beige.
“It does, however, have a salvage title for an undisclosed reason”
I think they just issue you a salvage title when you repaint a car in Pepto Pink. You’ve prety much cosmetically totalled it at that point. Still better than the Seville Spanish Inquisition Edition.
There is someone around where I live that has two of the Cadillac Seville, both cars same color, he drives awful and gave me the finger once for no reason, serial killer vibes. His face when I drove by accident by his house and saw the ugly cars sitting on their driveway with a bunch of junk around.
Pink Honda for me.
Looks like another blowout. All the Honda needs is some Rustoleum and a paint roller.
I’ve shared stories of one of my auto shop teachers before, and the same one was restoring one of these, in 1989; for his wife to drive. Let that sink in, he had to rebuild a 5 or 6 year old car. He spent months on it mechanically, then had it making daily trips to the technical school’s body shop to get it straight and repainted in this same blue color as this one. (We had a campus with a middle school, high school and technical school all on the same massive plot of land)
One evening while he was still lurking in the shop after class got out, someone did a drive by with a BB gun and shot out the driver’s side windows, which he brought up in class the next day in a semi-threatening manner about how he’d catch whoever did this; and proceeded to mock them for being a “bad shot” as they dented up the freshly primed door in the process. This is the same guy who set one of the driver’s ed cars on fire trying to torch a hole in the hood hood due to a stuck latch. In hindsight it’s not surprising he didn’t return the following year.
Anyways, I voted for the pink Honda.
Real men wear pink and drive pink cars. Accord for me today.
Damn. I was hoping for a long forgotten Mercury Topaz XR5 or similar!
that would have been the stuff.
“I say we take off and nuke the site from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.”
Not just no but hell no.
Pink does more than you think! I’d never drive that Cadillac of my own Accord.
There are absolutely no redeeming qualities to that bustle back. From a V8 that isn’t rebuildable when it inevitably dies, to polarizing styling, to being just entirely clapped out in every possible way.
I drove a genesis with neon pink wheels for 8 years, I’ll be fine in the Honda.
I’ll race you (to the bottom) for pinks!
They are both firmly crack pipe.
I’ll take the RiFF RAFF Accord and rattle can it something less heinous. But I’ll keep the clear lights because Hot Import Nights.
the accord is inarguably the better daily driver. but at this price (F*-it money) the Caddy is my choice. I’d add lightness – with a sawzall
Good candidate for a body swap; wheelbase can be adjusted presumably, since the rear tires are just dragged.
Your all Tempo/Topaz plan fell apart, so now it’s the hate-fest.
I’m down.
Gimme the Accord. Sure, it’s pepto pink and a salvage title, but I guarantee that Caddy is held together with nothing but hopes, dreams, and structural rust.
I’m primarily voting for the Accord, just in case Mark picks the loser to go on to tomorrow’s SBSD. I just wanna see what could be worse.
When I was a teenager there was a lady in our neighborhood who had a New Beetle painted that exact shade of Pepto Bismol pink. At some point she replaced it with another New Beetle, which she had painted in that same lurid shade of pink. I think it’s a revolting color to paint a car, but I would rather own the Accord than that awful Cadillac. And hey, no warning lights on the dashboard!
Today of all days really needs a “Burn Them With Fire” button.
Why do you hate us so, Mark?!? What have we done to deserve this?!?
That Seville es mierda.
Seriously garbage, and it gets worse the more you see. I’m going to assume the 39K is original mileage and it hasn’t rolled over. These things were bougt by a lot of the olds. Many didn’t go far, and their owners punched out before the release of Alladin.
The HT4100 was also an unreliable pile. The 368 was durable and very reliable once the V864 was disabled. The combo of mechatronics cooked up by Eaton together with a carburetor was deadly finicky and didn’t tolerate the tune drifting or wear very well.
The HT4100 was a rushed to market hunk of crap they ALREADY KNEW was going to be a mess, because it was pretty much the same crap they fumbled on the Vega.
And I look at this car and hear the clank clank of its saggy, failed rear air suspension.
Scrap. Metal.
The Seville is very near me and even if it were only $500 I couldn’t be bothered to drive to look at it. Gross.
Now, if yesterday’s Tempo had been that close it would be in my driveway today. No joke.