I just wrote something about some dystopian airline standing seats, seats that seem all but guaranteed to make a flight in one of them an exercise in human misery, something that I feel most of us are inclined to want to avoid. Still, the promise of ultra-cheap flights that these unpleasant not-seats could make possible is definitely tempting. All of this makes me wonder: is there some compromise that would allow the greedy airlines to cram as many of us in a plane as possible and would let us cheapskate travelers pay as little as possible all without being unfathomably miserable? I think there may be.
Now, in order for this to work, some pretty significant compromises must be made, but I think it may be one people could be willing to make. You’d have to give up something. Specifically, consciousness.
Yes, consciousness! Consider this: what if you could get flights for incredibly cheap prices but in order to do so, the airline would need to render you unconscious for the flight, because what they plan to do with you for the duration of the flight is not something an awake person could (or would want) to endure.
Here’s what I’m thinking: for this sort of flight, you need to secure your carry-on luggage to your body, by like wearing a well-secured backpack or something, or a fanny pack or something that actually straps to you. Of course you can check luggage, but anything you take with you will need to be secured to you.
That’s because when you get to your gate, you’ll be injected with some kind of anesthetic that will knock your ass out for the entire duration of the flight. We’ll say the FAA and the FDA collaborate to make sure whatever Spirit Airlines is injecting into your veins is safe, or at least safe enough.
You’ll slump down, some airline workers will grab you and chuck you into these large holds that are full of other unconscious travelers. I’m guessing it won’t be just a big pile, because that’s not that space efficient, but more likely you’ll be slid onto some shelf or into some cubbyhole that would be deliriously claustrophobic if you were awake.
But who cares, because you’re out cold! And then when the plane lands, you’ll be dragged out and into the airport, perhaps via the same conveyer system used for luggage, then given another injection to wake you up.
What happens if there’s a fire or a crash or some other kind of emergency? No idea! I bet they made you sign a waiver, though.
A few minutes of disorientation, maybe a quick vomit or two later, and you’re done! A 12-hour flight felt like a blink of an eye!
So, what do you think? Would you be willing to let an airline knock you out for a flight? Is the risk of letting a budget airline monkey with your brain worth cheap flights and freedom from enduring those free flights?
Tell me! Ryan Air is probably reading this, and I bet some anesthesiologist is looking for a challenge!
If I wake up rested and it’s a long flight, sure. Think of flights out of Anchorage or Fairbanks. The planes start flying at 10:00PM running until 2:00AM with an errant flight at 6:00AM. If I could zonk out with no health benefits, I would be game. On the other hand, a middle of the day flight where I can catch up on work? Going unconscious would totally mess up my biological clock and would only push my computer work to the evening or night, when I should be working.
For a really long flight, I’d consider it, but it would really depend. I’ll have trouble waking up on time if I drink a bottle of wine the night before, so it would really be up to what they use and how quickly I come out of it after
Next thing you know you’re for sale in Scottsboro, Alabama?
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That’s not the part of the state with much experience in buying and selling human beings in the past, but I’m sure they’d be willing to give it a shot!
Sorry that got dark. But the place is worth a visit. Not too far from the Lodge cast iron factory/outlet, as well as the second biggest nuke reactor in the US.