I just wrote something about some dystopian airline standing seats, seats that seem all but guaranteed to make a flight in one of them an exercise in human misery, something that I feel most of us are inclined to want to avoid. Still, the promise of ultra-cheap flights that these unpleasant not-seats could make possible is definitely tempting. All of this makes me wonder: is there some compromise that would allow the greedy airlines to cram as many of us in a plane as possible and would let us cheapskate travelers pay as little as possible all without being unfathomably miserable? I think there may be.
Now, in order for this to work, some pretty significant compromises must be made, but I think it may be one people could be willing to make. You’d have to give up something. Specifically, consciousness.
Yes, consciousness! Consider this: what if you could get flights for incredibly cheap prices but in order to do so, the airline would need to render you unconscious for the flight, because what they plan to do with you for the duration of the flight is not something an awake person could (or would want) to endure.
Here’s what I’m thinking: for this sort of flight, you need to secure your carry-on luggage to your body, by like wearing a well-secured backpack or something, or a fanny pack or something that actually straps to you. Of course you can check luggage, but anything you take with you will need to be secured to you.
That’s because when you get to your gate, you’ll be injected with some kind of anesthetic that will knock your ass out for the entire duration of the flight. We’ll say the FAA and the FDA collaborate to make sure whatever Spirit Airlines is injecting into your veins is safe, or at least safe enough.
You’ll slump down, some airline workers will grab you and chuck you into these large holds that are full of other unconscious travelers. I’m guessing it won’t be just a big pile, because that’s not that space efficient, but more likely you’ll be slid onto some shelf or into some cubbyhole that would be deliriously claustrophobic if you were awake.
But who cares, because you’re out cold! And then when the plane lands, you’ll be dragged out and into the airport, perhaps via the same conveyer system used for luggage, then given another injection to wake you up.
What happens if there’s a fire or a crash or some other kind of emergency? No idea! I bet they made you sign a waiver, though.
A few minutes of disorientation, maybe a quick vomit or two later, and you’re done! A 12-hour flight felt like a blink of an eye!
So, what do you think? Would you be willing to let an airline knock you out for a flight? Is the risk of letting a budget airline monkey with your brain worth cheap flights and freedom from enduring those free flights?
Tell me! Ryan Air is probably reading this, and I bet some anesthesiologist is looking for a challenge!
I’m very claustrophobic and hate- HATE- flying. I take a Xanax when I have to fly, it’s great. I mean, yeah, I’m still trapped in an inflated aluminum egg with 3 cubic feet of space for my body along with dozens of slack-jawed mouth-breathers who will definitely take their carry-on along in an emergency evacuation and will inflate their life vests inside the plane in case of a water landing, but I don’t care because I’m slightly drugged
I am all in for coma flying, shoot me up.
DG Compton wrote a science fiction novel in the 60s describing a process in which people were anesthetized, loaded into capsules (something like what you’d find at a Japanese capsule hotel), then the capsules were loaded like cargo onto the plane. I’m pretty sure it was in Synthajoy, but I can’t find the reference.
Might be a much better trip than long haul flights to Asia or Europe!
Airport bars exist for travelers to achieve knock-out status before a flight.
(Also Xanax and / or Ambien depending on the length of the flight).
Always remember to put your liquids in checked baggage so you can fill your carry-on liquids pouch with nips. Yes, security lets them right through.
FAA rules prohibit inebriated people from boarding. The flight crew and gate agents have the right to boot those pax.
Yep, too many drunk people have disrupted flights and caused issues. You can’t even drink personal booze on the plane, which is probably for the best. 🙂
TSA doesn’t care.
I suppose someone could buy a bottle of Diet Coke after security and dump a couple of rum nips in it.
Definitely not the best way to deal with the anxiety and discomfort of air travel.
Unless you’re slurring or belligerent, you’ll be allowed on the plane.
I would do this if passengers had those suspended animation pods, where if the pod were opened or compromised, you’d wake up. That should at least keep you comfy and safe and keep the mid-flight diddlers at bay.
That’s what drinks and sleeping pills are for. Also a well timed edible can be quite nice.
The potential for sexual abuse is sky high here though (pun intended). No way would I want a bunch of aircraft handlers anywhere near my unconscious family.
I already try my hardest to do this on international flights.
One time I took it a bit too far and had 4 advil PM’s, plus a few Singapore Slings on a London to Singapore flight….
…I woke up by violently uppercutting the tray table in front of me, drool all over me, terrified I had pissed myself (due to being out for so long).
I was in the aisle seat of the middle section of an A380… and the English woman next to me said “Well…. YOU were out for QUITE SOME TIME”… her and everyone next to her were not happy that I was (probably) just a psychotic zombie for 7 hrs or so.
I have sleep issues with or without meds (sleep talking, sleep speech receiting, all sorts of movements, etc.). I’m more careful (and thoughtful) now of others.
I’d like to temporarily abandon consciousness sometimes, and not just for air travel. But I’m old and things hurt, so my take probably isn’t shared by all.
I take the train to work half of the time so I can sleep through most of my commute. My noise cancelling headphones, eye mask, and neck pillow go on as soon as I am in my seat for my hour long nap.
No, I don’t trust the airlines, TSA, or whoever to administer anaesthesia.
Besides that, how would you handle layovers? You wake up in Chicago, walk to your gate, and get knocked out again? That would be ridiculous. Especially if your first flight was delayed and you had to make a different connection.
Or maybe the airline moves your unconcious body to the next flight. Anyone ever heard of lost luggage? Imagine waking up in Timbuktu after booking a flight to London.
Jason, you’re unhinged. Please don’t change.
They would leave you knocked out and just transfer your body to the next flight like a checked bag.
And you’d get lost sometimes. Like luggage gets lost. No thanks.
It could be a good thing.
What if you were supposed to go to Florida but instead ended up anywhere else. Win!
I’d like the ability to do this is current airline seats, especially for the red eye I have next week.
I wouldn’t trust lowest bidder medics that the airlines would hire to get the doses right.
What I am surprised is that no airline has proposed fitting navy ship style bunks in place of seats. Stack people 4-5 high and no worries about anesthesia.
How about hanging the bodies on a motorized conveyor system like they use at dry cleaners? Two hooks under the arms, a travel pillow for neck support and press the button to move the rack one body. Repeat. Really efficient for loading and unloading.
More serious answer….if someone needs to be “knocked out” for a flight, they can choose their chemical of choice on their own. I won’t even take ambien on long flights anymore.
Knock me out and wake me up in Tokyo. And I don’t need to travel by airplane. Put me in suspended animation and shove my life support pod onto a cargo ship. Three weeks of sleep sounds great.
You know what, like Surprise me, for international flights, I’m all in. Get on, get knocked out, wake up in Paris. It’s possible that in the case of an emergency, with the right number of flight crew, getting passengers out of the plane might actually be easier (mostly joking here).