I just wrote something about some dystopian airline standing seats, seats that seem all but guaranteed to make a flight in one of them an exercise in human misery, something that I feel most of us are inclined to want to avoid. Still, the promise of ultra-cheap flights that these unpleasant not-seats could make possible is definitely tempting. All of this makes me wonder: is there some compromise that would allow the greedy airlines to cram as many of us in a plane as possible and would let us cheapskate travelers pay as little as possible all without being unfathomably miserable? I think there may be.
Now, in order for this to work, some pretty significant compromises must be made, but I think it may be one people could be willing to make. You’d have to give up something. Specifically, consciousness.
Yes, consciousness! Consider this: what if you could get flights for incredibly cheap prices but in order to do so, the airline would need to render you unconscious for the flight, because what they plan to do with you for the duration of the flight is not something an awake person could (or would want) to endure.
Here’s what I’m thinking: for this sort of flight, you need to secure your carry-on luggage to your body, by like wearing a well-secured backpack or something, or a fanny pack or something that actually straps to you. Of course you can check luggage, but anything you take with you will need to be secured to you.
That’s because when you get to your gate, you’ll be injected with some kind of anesthetic that will knock your ass out for the entire duration of the flight. We’ll say the FAA and the FDA collaborate to make sure whatever Spirit Airlines is injecting into your veins is safe, or at least safe enough.
You’ll slump down, some airline workers will grab you and chuck you into these large holds that are full of other unconscious travelers. I’m guessing it won’t be just a big pile, because that’s not that space efficient, but more likely you’ll be slid onto some shelf or into some cubbyhole that would be deliriously claustrophobic if you were awake.
But who cares, because you’re out cold! And then when the plane lands, you’ll be dragged out and into the airport, perhaps via the same conveyer system used for luggage, then given another injection to wake you up.
What happens if there’s a fire or a crash or some other kind of emergency? No idea! I bet they made you sign a waiver, though.
A few minutes of disorientation, maybe a quick vomit or two later, and you’re done! A 12-hour flight felt like a blink of an eye!
So, what do you think? Would you be willing to let an airline knock you out for a flight? Is the risk of letting a budget airline monkey with your brain worth cheap flights and freedom from enduring those free flights?
Tell me! Ryan Air is probably reading this, and I bet some anesthesiologist is looking for a challenge!
“700 cc Thorazine STAT..!!
And I would be ok with it.
Okay, but what if, instead of seats, the airplane had capsules? Like, cylinders thar they slid the passenger and their luggage into. And the aircraft wouldn’t look like a plane as we know it. The fuselage would just be a skeleton that these capsules would attach to.
The capsules could be filled with people or cargo, so each flight could be a flexible mix. And if the airplane had an in flight emergency, the capsules could just be ejected from the airframe. Each would have their own parachute, so they’d float safely to the ground.
Short answer, no.
Longer answer, even though I’m a massive cheapskate when it comes to travel I’m not sure which I trust less;
Torch, I know you’ve experienced the highly specific process that is anesthesia the same way I have.
Are you planning to trust that process to Lowest Bidder airline travel employees?
I’d sooner trust a Honey Badger to perform vasectomies.
to be fair, I’m sure a honey badger could do plenty of things to give one sterility
Pro: knock me out, ’cause sometimes I’m a super-claustrophobic-this-sh*t-wrecks-me-with-the-faux-stress
Con: it already takes far too long for people to store their carryons. This would encourage them to strap themselves to steamer trunks, which would be no bueno.
Hell, in my younger days of business-class international flying, I routinely attempted to sedate myself with copious amounts of free booze.
Assuming all flights will booked on Boeing Dreamliners?
Yes. It occurs to me that, gradually, flying and getting a colonoscopy are becoming events that we should treat the same.
If they put you under, they might as well give you a colonoscopy while you’re out.
It’s not the colonoscopy that’s the problem, it’s the prep. I swear you get to the point where your butt is having dry heaves. It’s not pleasant.
If they could give you something to make you not remember that, the whole colonoscopy experience would be much, much better.
I know a grocery store near me that, post-mid 2010s remodel but pre-covid had shelves in the pharmacy right up to the drop-off counter, someone could just reach in and grab something off it.
They kept files (vendor/delivery, no HIPAA-sensitive info) there but I told them it’d be a good place to shelve the colonoscopy prep.
Man, where did you go that they knock you out? I was wide awake for that experience. Same with the three endoscopies.
Of the two, I’ll take the colonoscopy. At least you don’t leave feeling like you’ve just filmed a Brazzers video.
Yes. Absolutely. At 6’3″ I barely fit in a 29″ pitch seat and refuse to pick them anymore. I am still uncomfortable in a 31″ pitch seat and simply cannot sleep in one. In addition I have Hank Hill syndrome and my ass muscles get super sore and achy unless I bring my own gel cushion. I used to love air travel but now it’s a chore at best and painful at worst, so the idea of getting knocked the F out during a flight is appealing.
I am 6’5” and absolutely despise air travel. Narrow seats, zero leg room, and I have had DVT’s. I spite of having a doctors certificate explaining the need for extra leg room some airlines will not let me sit in the emergency exit seats as they claim that in an emergency I may not be able to open the door.
A pod where I’d have leg and hip room and not have to suffer through airline food might not be so bad.
As it is, I try to drive where possible. Flying is too risky and uncomfortable.
Flying in a class better than economy helps. I recently flew San Diego to Frankfurt and then London to San Diego on a business trip and I got to expense Premium Economy which made a huge difference with comfort. After popping an Ambien I was actually able to sleep for a few hours, which is a miracle for me.
But I’m a cheap bastard and generally when I’m taking personal trips upgrades to another class end up costing like twice what economy does so I end up just sucking it up and being miserable 🙁
I’m 6’4” and most of the extra height is in my legs…I’d happily be knocked out for a flight, haha!
B.A. Baracus would like a word.
Airlines should definitely offer this service in glass-of-milk form.
“I ain’t gettin’ on no plane, Torchinsky” is seven words, although “FOOL!” would get the point across.
Definitely on the jazz…
Came here for this. Fools pitied. Leaving satisfied.
If it’s with Milla Jovovich, I’m cool with it.
Perfect
Super green.
I’ll be honest this sounds like a genuine start to a horror movie.
As someone who is used to loosing days flying no. You are confused enough after a 20 hour flight over the international date line. I have wondered if train or submarine like births would ever be used (again) they also seem problematic. I know people that knock themselves out for flights as they are scared of flying it’s not pretty. And typically needs some who isn’t drugged up to guide them after landing and for some time after.
I’ve often dreamt of being able to smoke a bowl at the airport before my flight. I’d be even more stoked to just sleep all the way through it. I would 100% choose to be knocked out for any flight over 3 hours.
Edibles exist
In doses that’ll send you on a full tilt vision quest while you fly.
If you’re a rookie maybe.
They come in all kinds of doses, plus you control how much you eat…
There would be an extra fee for the wakeup injection, of course.
(/coming to, seeing the pilot and flight attendant buttoning their shirts over me)
What the fuck?
I think I was tucked…
Sorry, you’re damaged goods now.
So you were violated by two people while you were under the gas… So what?!
I recall a flight so bad I wished this was an option. Like straight up if there was a crash, I’d be glad it’s finally over.
The next step will be to drug the passengers and hang them like sides of beef in a freezer.
Somewhere, a fresh-faced, young Spirit executive is asking this same question unironically.
I feel like this would be an enabler to making this Onion article a reality:
https://theonion.com/united-airlines-exploring-viability-of-stacking-them-li-1819571115/
This is as close as we’ll ever get to teleportation. As long as we trust/have the FAA and the FDA, sure.
Especially with the recent cuts, WHAT COULD GO WRONG?
Seeing as how you can buy all kinds of liquor on an airliner and nobody seems to care about the ramifications of a hammered dude semi-conscious in 23E relative to everyone else and specifically whoever has the window seat next to the guy in an emergency, this isn’t much different.
But you might as well just FedEx yourself to your destination in a human version of a dog crate (same exact thing I guess but with a FedEx logo on the side).
How about 10mg of indica when they announce Boarding Group 1, then an Ambien in exchange for your boarding pass? This is already very doable.
Well, this is the problem. Indica can induce tachycardia in some patients. Ambien has some interesting side effects: https://edition.cnn.com/travel/article/planes-sleeping-pills
Now putting people under would guarantee that some passengers wouldn’t wake up. Besides, to be economical, you can’t really afford more than one Aviation Anaesthesiologist per 500 passengers. And those people will be just like regular anaesthesiologists, only with less training and even more of a tendency to addiction.
Fifth Element my ass. I’ll take it.
That movie was my first thought, then Oh No, that War of the Worlds remake where they told the humans they were going to a better planet, but just dumped them into space.