I just wrote something about some dystopian airline standing seats, seats that seem all but guaranteed to make a flight in one of them an exercise in human misery, something that I feel most of us are inclined to want to avoid. Still, the promise of ultra-cheap flights that these unpleasant not-seats could make possible is definitely tempting. All of this makes me wonder: is there some compromise that would allow the greedy airlines to cram as many of us in a plane as possible and would let us cheapskate travelers pay as little as possible all without being unfathomably miserable? I think there may be.
Now, in order for this to work, some pretty significant compromises must be made, but I think it may be one people could be willing to make. You’d have to give up something. Specifically, consciousness.
Yes, consciousness! Consider this: what if you could get flights for incredibly cheap prices but in order to do so, the airline would need to render you unconscious for the flight, because what they plan to do with you for the duration of the flight is not something an awake person could (or would want) to endure.
Here’s what I’m thinking: for this sort of flight, you need to secure your carry-on luggage to your body, by like wearing a well-secured backpack or something, or a fanny pack or something that actually straps to you. Of course you can check luggage, but anything you take with you will need to be secured to you.
That’s because when you get to your gate, you’ll be injected with some kind of anesthetic that will knock your ass out for the entire duration of the flight. We’ll say the FAA and the FDA collaborate to make sure whatever Spirit Airlines is injecting into your veins is safe, or at least safe enough.
You’ll slump down, some airline workers will grab you and chuck you into these large holds that are full of other unconscious travelers. I’m guessing it won’t be just a big pile, because that’s not that space efficient, but more likely you’ll be slid onto some shelf or into some cubbyhole that would be deliriously claustrophobic if you were awake.
But who cares, because you’re out cold! And then when the plane lands, you’ll be dragged out and into the airport, perhaps via the same conveyer system used for luggage, then given another injection to wake you up.
What happens if there’s a fire or a crash or some other kind of emergency? No idea! I bet they made you sign a waiver, though.
A few minutes of disorientation, maybe a quick vomit or two later, and you’re done! A 12-hour flight felt like a blink of an eye!
So, what do you think? Would you be willing to let an airline knock you out for a flight? Is the risk of letting a budget airline monkey with your brain worth cheap flights and freedom from enduring those free flights?
Tell me! Ryan Air is probably reading this, and I bet some anesthesiologist is looking for a challenge!
Honestly for the long international flights I would welcome this. I am flying by myself usually and would welcome not having to worry about shoulder space between me and my neighbor.
This method, though not voluntary, seemed to work great for a crack commando sent to prison by a military court for a crime he didn’t commit. This man promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground.
This air sleep never seemed to prevent him from pitying fools upon arrival in sometimes tropical locations.
I could see FlyBondi doing something of the sort. Look, we have a cheap flights airline here with about a 40% cancellation rate. Our Bondi is remarkably similar to your Bondi. They look good from some distance, all that yellow promise. Then you get closer and you realize you got royally fucked up.
In both cases they’d profit from turning your mind down and make you fuzzy and puky. You’d believe you had a ride, at least, only to realize that you no longer remember what the point of the ride was.
Sadistic, yes. Both are sadistic.
“Needle or boxing glove, sir? My little friend Spike or my big friend Spike?”
I wish I could sleep on a flight. Every time I’ve passed out I’ve regretted it, waking up with a ton of pressure in my ear that hurts like hell when it releases.
I use old school dramamine to keep me from getting airsick and I don’t use the non-drowsy kind, but I still manage to stay awake on flights.
If I can come to without feeling aches and pains because of positioning, heck yeah, give me the sleep regulator.
I would rather knock myself out for my flight. We did an overnight to London and the we all took an ambien and it helped.
Came here to drop a Fifth Element reference and found them already being employed. Super green.
I was actually disappointed that the references were so sparse! But that’s probably because I am a meat popsicle.
No, no. They will put you to sleep in a cyber pod, which is a padded life support-box with standard outside dimensions. (Don’t call it a coffin!).
The stacking and unloading of these coffins into and out of Autopilot equipped cyberplanes is handled by robots.
It is coming next year, and you can already put a non-refundable deposit now.
Like, packing a wagon of Vegas?
Yes, it’s why I try to get tipsy beforehand. Sleeping through the flight is like time travel, and I can handle the Infinite Improbability Drive-style hangover.
By the way: nice work on the graphic. The anvil logo is sweet. Probably should replace the Swire Group logo with that of an ominous pharmaceutical logo, like Fresenius Kabi. B-HNL is the prototype. I prefer KO-AIR as a registration. Or LT-SOUT.
Nope. While I do tend to spend a good bit of my flying unconscious (it is the best way to fly), I want it on my own terms. And for long flights, I decided many years ago that I am too large and have too many dollars AND miles to fly over water in steerage. So I don’t. Business class or I don’t need to go. I won’t fly the cheap airlines on SHORT flights, never mind long ones.
I will also say my usual bit as one who has been flying around for a living for going on 30 years. Flying really isn’t worse today, people are just more entitled, whinier, and lacking in perspective.
Flying isn’t worse than it was before 9/11? Seriously?
It really isn’t. It’s better in some ways. For one, you are MUCH less likely to die in a plane crash than in the previous century. And it’s MUCH cheaper. For what domestic coach tickets cost back then, I can often book in first, and you can DEFINITELY book the extra-legroom coach seats that didn’t exist back then. The fun of the old “Saturday Night Stay” requirement to not get COMPLETELY boned on ticket prices. There are FAR more choices of flights. Albeit a double-edge sword because the rise of the regional jet with frequent service to out of the way places has certainly added to airport and ATC congestion issues. With PreCheck, the security experience is 95%+ the same, with the advantage that it isn’t completely random as it was in those days. And the years immediately after 9/11 – Dear God, that was a total shitshow all around. Ultimately, like most things you get what you pay for. You can cheap out and fly Spirit or RyanAir as self-loading nickel and dimed cargo, or you can pay a premium and fly on an airline that doesn’t suck. Or pay not THAT much more and just fly business class.
But the biggest thing that was better back then was the people around you. Sooo many Karens and Chads today. Like I said, one of the biggest issues is the whiney entitlement all around us.
To me the biggest change for the worse is simply that there are so many more cancellations due to weather today. Congress implementing the 3hr rule, plus the very strict crew duty time limits really screwed with the industry. Used to be, you would be massively delayed when the weather was bad, but you’d still get there. Now everything just cancels. But on the other hand – note how much safer flying is today, and those two rules are a definite part of it.
So just how cheap are we talking? LAS to Perth for $50 cheap?
And how about transfers to different airlines, would I be hauled from terminal x to terminal y like so much luggage?
This seems like a great opportunity for the postal service. They would have to do better that with those live chickens last week , but at one time mailing children was a thing.
https://www.smithsonianmag.com/smart-news/brief-history-children-sent-through-mail-180959372/
Given lack of movement on long haul flights is already a recipe for DVTs, leading to either pulmonary embolisms or strokes, followed by death, knocking passengers out, ensuring they move even less, is a great way of upping the odds.
“Welcome to Farquaad Air: Many of you will die. But that’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make.”
Still likely better odds that flying into Newark while DOGE remains a thing.
And if you’re a woman, you’ll be sexually assaulted in some way or another.
It’s a good idea in theory, but once you think about it logically for about two seconds…no.
Considering any time I’ve been put under for a procedure, I spend the next 48 hours vomiting and being unable to function, no thanks. I’ll tell ya, I’ll gladly take the colonoscopy prep over how I felt the two days after the procedure.
You’re just getting thee wrong stuff. My old gastroenterologist used to give me Demerol for a colonoscopy so that she could show me what was going on.
She said that it doesn’t really do much for the pain but that it makes it so you really don’t care and she was right.
If Demerol was available over the counter, I wouldn’t get anything done.
My new dr just knocks me out. It isn’t nearly as much fun.
During my first colonoscopy, I came to, and saw the camera’s view and said, “oh wow, that looks interesting.” The doctor and the anesthesiologist both said, “oh, you’re not supposed to be seeing this,” and the latter upped the dose of whatever I was on. Probably propofol. I’ve had two more of those procedures since then and that hasn’t happened again. The last one was when I was married to a dentist, and she had an emergency case and sent one of her assistants to pick me up. Coming to, it was like, why are you here. We had a running joke of who I’d send to pick her up if I was similarly indisposed.
I think I’d take being knocked out and taking my chances with rookie anesthesiologists over standing on my feet for 20+ hours. But I really do like looking out the window when I can’t fall asleep on long flights.
Looking out the window is the best.
I apparently have a big bladder, so I never have had to climb over two other people to get to the aisle and then make my way to the bathroom. And I have flown over a million miles, according to my frequent flyer programs.
I have some simple, but pretty, photos shot out of airplane windows. And it’s always easy to just conk out leaning out towards the wall on the rare occasions I could actually sleep on a plane.
Yeah, I am a window sitter too, I had a couple years of my bladder being inappropriate to window seating from JFK to SFO, but some surgery a few months ago fixd that.
They put a video camera into your bladder and do it all without an incision, which sounds great until you realize how they get a tv camera and lights into your bladder.
Oy. Well sorry you had to go through that. It sounds really unpleasant. At least I don’t want to contemplate that.
For long trips, the ideal would be to get shipped like freight in a box then wake up in your hotel with your bags unpacked and a fresh snack tray and a drink waiting.
As a person living in southern Australia – where international flights to anywhere outside New Zealand is a 10-30 hour proposition – sign me up. Maybe work out the emergency egress protocols first – perhaps filling the air in the cabin with some sort of stimulating gas? Come to think of it they did something similar in that sci fi movie The Fifth Element.
Knock me out. Then, at the destination, stuff me in a robotaxi to my hotel where the bellman rolls me to my room on a luggage cart.
I’m in, but only if we’re heading to Fhloston Paradise with a multi-pass.
Came here looking for the fifth element reference.
I’m out…(cold)
“perhaps via the same conveyer system used for luggage”
Kramer!
https://youtu.be/6jPCyW8Msyo?si=sT5q6FuggGDvRuEZ
I’m getting Guineaman (I.e. slave ship) vibes from this idea.
If I wake up rested and it’s a long flight, sure. Think of flights out of Anchorage or Fairbanks. The planes start flying at 10:00PM running until 2:00AM with an errant flight at 6:00AM. If I could zonk out with no health benefits, I would be game. On the other hand, a middle of the day flight where I can catch up on work? Going unconscious would totally mess up my biological clock and would only push my computer work to the evening or night, when I should be working.
For a really long flight, I’d consider it, but it would really depend. I’ll have trouble waking up on time if I drink a bottle of wine the night before, so it would really be up to what they use and how quickly I come out of it after
Next thing you know you’re for sale in Scottsboro, Alabama?
Understoodthatreference.gif
That’s not the part of the state with much experience in buying and selling human beings in the past, but I’m sure they’d be willing to give it a shot!
Sorry that got dark. But the place is worth a visit. Not too far from the Lodge cast iron factory/outlet, as well as the second biggest nuke reactor in the US.