Few things are as aggressively 1970s as a chunky rear-wheel-drive American van wearing an epic airbrushed mural, preferably something cribbed from the indelible works of Boris Vallejo or Frank Frazetta or maybe a nice Roger Dean. For today’s Autopian Ask, I’m wondering what mural you would paint on your own van in the unlikely parallel universe where you are required by law to own a 1970s van wearing full sides of artwork.
I spent much of my childhood in the back of vans. The earliest van that I remember was my dad’s brown Plymouth Voyager. I remember being in the second row on a warm summer night with WLS 890 AM playing in the background. Every once in a while, the talking heads that I didn’t understand would be overcome by the welcoming sounds of static. On more than one occasion, WLS and the hum of AM radio would be joined by the scents of cigarette smoke and the whine of yet another dying automatic transmission.
In 2001, my parents bought a worn-out Catalina travel trailer from the early 1990s. This trailer had a soft floor, a leaky roof, and iffy appliances, but it was my childhood gateway to camping. But a minivan couldn’t tow this trailer. That’s when they bought a conversion van.
The funny thing about conversion vans from the 1990s is that a lot of them were based on something like the third-generation Chevy Van G20, a design that ran from 1971 to 1996. Even in the 1990s, it was hard to hide the vintage bones of the G20. Our G20 was a 1995, and I remember it fondly for its mood lighting, shag carpeting, second-row captain’s chairs, and a second radio just for the person sitting in the left seat in the second row.
But even that van couldn’t hold a candle to what conversion vans were like in the 1970s. Our wonderful editor and graphics man Pete, has filled this post with images of groovy conversion vans. The first up there is one of those GM vans, and it sports side pipes, wheels that look like they belong on a muscle car, and a glorious Star Trek-themed mural. Hey, Trekkies like vans, too!
This next one is also another GM van, and look at that, there are more side pipes and deep wheels. This one seems to depict a double guitar mid-shred, and surrounded by the necks of other guitars? I can’t stop looking at it, trying to figure out what the artist was going for.
Alright, so you’re being forced to buy a 1970s conversion van, and you absolutely have to put a mural on it. It’s completely optional, of course, but if you’d like to go beyond mere description and actually put visuals to your van-tasy art, you can use the blank machine above to let your freak flag fly! Also, it’s an old conversion van, so you have to tell me what the interior is going to look like, too.
Top graphic image: North Shore Classics
Easy. There can be only one.
First thought was the cover graphing from Dark Side Of The Moon. Then I read the first sentence and, of course, has to be Roger Dean — So maybe Relayer one side, Topographic Oceans the other, first Asia album dragon in back and some Osibisa butterfy-elephants on the hood.
But then, nah, go understated. And the cover of DSOTM is kind of played. So, one side the green speckle gradient from Close To The Edge, other side the graphic from the inside cover of Dark Side – the plain parallel rainbow stripes with the green heartbeat.
A sailing yacht race, with my acrylic bubble window as the sun. Then do the interior in blue and white, with brown wood and brass accents, along with (old fabric) sailcloth accents and a “V-Berth” in back to sleep in
The entire Autopian staff as furries, in a series of sexually suggestive poses.
Van mural inception. Mural will have a van that has a mural with a van but slightly different.
W@as thinking similarly. Like the cover of Ummagumma.
Deep Purple exterior, with a mural of a dragon (maybe breathing fire, maybe not) with a lustful bikini’d Tawny Kitaen swinging a sword. Interior has blue shag carpet, possibly matching or contrasting bench seat with colorful ambient lighting and a strobe light. License plate holder that says: “Don’t laugh, you’re mom or daughter might be in here”… Mic drop!
Make mine black w Tom of Finland murals.
And inside, a leather sling.
Frazetta or GTFO
Would be way more fun if we could post pictures of our bitchin’ vans.
Mine would be a black windowless van with a mural of a white windowless van with the words “Free Candy” in chiller font on the white van.
That’s not just a guitar – that’s Led Zeppelin playing Stairway to Heaven doubleneck. So that’s what the other necks are – a stairway to rock n roll heaven!
Ok. Hm. Heck with it, I was playing D&D then, so full on Wizard fireballing a lich and minions.
Gimmie a D20 window.
Inside? Yeaaaah let’s go for a 70s, living room theme, couch, minifridge, and bookshelves. It’s the Loot Wagon! I’ll DM anywhere!
Give it a 4WD conversion kit – I mean anywhere!
Well, it’s a red double-neck SG yes, with the necks but not the bodies or headstocks stretched to hell horizontally so much it’s aneurysm-inducing. It really should have been two of them end-to-end, or something like that. Just not that thing. That’s not a guitar, it’s the Slinky dachshund.
I’d have to go with a TOS-era Romulan Bird of Prey. “Balance of Terror” is my favorite episode, and they have a bird painted on them, so it’s amusingly layered.
And I’d make the interior as groovy TOS “warp core” as I could manage.