Few things are as aggressively 1970s as a chunky rear-wheel-drive American van wearing an epic airbrushed mural, preferably something cribbed from the indelible works of Boris Vallejo or Frank Frazetta or maybe a nice Roger Dean. For today’s Autopian Ask, I’m wondering what mural you would paint on your own van in the unlikely parallel universe where you are required by law to own a 1970s van wearing full sides of artwork.
I spent much of my childhood in the back of vans. The earliest van that I remember was my dad’s brown Plymouth Voyager. I remember being in the second row on a warm summer night with WLS 890 AM playing in the background. Every once in a while, the talking heads that I didn’t understand would be overcome by the welcoming sounds of static. On more than one occasion, WLS and the hum of AM radio would be joined by the scents of cigarette smoke and the whine of yet another dying automatic transmission.
In 2001, my parents bought a worn-out Catalina travel trailer from the early 1990s. This trailer had a soft floor, a leaky roof, and iffy appliances, but it was my childhood gateway to camping. But a minivan couldn’t tow this trailer. That’s when they bought a conversion van.
The funny thing about conversion vans from the 1990s is that a lot of them were based on something like the third-generation Chevy Van G20, a design that ran from 1971 to 1996. Even in the 1990s, it was hard to hide the vintage bones of the G20. Our G20 was a 1995, and I remember it fondly for its mood lighting, shag carpeting, second-row captain’s chairs, and a second radio just for the person sitting in the left seat in the second row.
But even that van couldn’t hold a candle to what conversion vans were like in the 1970s. Our wonderful editor and graphics man Pete, has filled this post with images of groovy conversion vans. The first up there is one of those GM vans, and it sports side pipes, wheels that look like they belong on a muscle car, and a glorious Star Trek-themed mural. Hey, Trekkies like vans, too!
This next one is also another GM van, and look at that, there are more side pipes and deep wheels. This one seems to depict a double guitar mid-shred, and surrounded by the necks of other guitars? I can’t stop looking at it, trying to figure out what the artist was going for.
Alright, so you’re being forced to buy a 1970s conversion van, and you absolutely have to put a mural on it. It’s completely optional, of course, but if you’d like to go beyond mere description and actually put visuals to your van-tasy art, you can use the blank machine above to let your freak flag fly! Also, it’s an old conversion van, so you have to tell me what the interior is going to look like, too.
Top graphic image: North Shore Classics
I’ll tell you what I won’t do is paint a motorcycle and horse going the opposite direction of the van.
I thought there was like a law that it had to be either scantilly clad valkyries or some kind of gituar/lightning thing?
Since most the work is already done, The Beatles White Album. Seriously, I would go with the Bat Out Of Hell album art. Four captains chairs in red and black leather. Black carpet on the floor, red carpet on the walls. Every place that said “Meat Loaf” would also say, “Ellen Foley.”
Spın̈al Tap’s “Smell The Glove” could work as well.
“Break Like The Wind?”
Or my favorite (have it on the picture 7″) – Christmas With the Devil
B knock off star wars. Space wizards, space samurai, space princess, space farm boy, space trucker, you get the idea. Id go straight Fanboys van, but im afraid of Disney’s lawyers. Aka the most evil creatures in the galaxy. (And I know, I’ve been to more planets than any of uou folks)
So… Spaceballs?
No, Starcrash!
How had I never heard of this??? It looks horrifically fantastic!
I saw it when I was a kid. As soon as I saw the title, I thought “Is the the one….with Hasselhoff…?” And it was.
I recently watched the MST3K version of Starcrash. Joe Bob says check it out.
Turkish Star Wars (aka “The Man Who Saved the World”)?
Battle Beyond the Stars! Even the hero’s spaceship had boobs…
Oh my… why didn’t I think of that!?!? SPACEBALLS THE VAN!!!!!
The Scream by Edvard Munch.
After some thought, a black Econoline with the graphic from Joy Division’s Unknown Pleasures album on both sides. The interior would have birch plywood cabinets and MB Tex upholstery for a Bauhaus aesthetic in keeping with the theme Design For Living.
If I need to have an actual painting, a reproduction of Dejeuner Sur Le Herbe and an interior done up like an Art Nouveau café
10/10. Would hoon.
First gen Chrysler minivan (the windowless cargo version, of course). Painted on the sides is the album cover from The Black Keys’s El Camino, sans the van (in other words, an empty driveway in some random alley, with “EL CAMINO” just floating up there in the sky). Inside is just the standard burgundy interior, but with the seats replaced with matching swivel chairs. Two rows (so four seats) and plenty of cargo space in the back. If you get it, you get it, and even if you don’t, it’s still funny!
My brain initially read the headline as “70s Van with a Manual”.
At my college job, I drove an 83 Chevy van with the straight six and a 3-speed stick. Was definitely 70s technology.
It was indeed. Those vans came out in 1973, and were made largely unchanged through 1995.
https://x.com/shittycarmods_/status/1083001679035940865
H.R. Gieger art, pure and simple.
I have a 1973 GMC Motorhome, like this one https://barnfinds.com/pity-fool-doesnt-buy-1973-gmc-motorhome/ but I’m thinking I want a Willie Coyote & Roadrunner scene, with ACME Field Engineering under the front windows. I’m dreaming bigger than a van.
A tattoo of Bowser wearing shades and playing a double neck guitar while riding a surfboard in front of a giant weed leaf on a crucifix with ‘Happy Birthday Rick’ written above in cursive
Tasteful.
Star Wars
https://www.ebay.com/itm/326746939492?chn=ps&_trkparms=ispr%3D1&amdata=enc%3A14Lry-YvySyWj-qgZrKr5jA5&norover=1&mkevt=1&mkrid=711-213727-13078-0&mkcid=2&itemid=326746939492&targetid=4580771614098651&device=c&mktype=&googleloc=48248&poi=&campaignid=603247547&mkgroupid=1234752552191001&rlsatarget=pla-4580771614098651&abcId=9316119&merchantid=51291&msclkid=35b925d267d51dc29b474c8f852f670a
Beach Bovs theme. A “Little Deuce Coupe” on one side and a “409” on the other.
Chopper mural riding on the van’s wheels…
https://ar.pinterest.com/pin/253327547768018702/
Sort of serious question: is there an organized group for these art vans or whatever we’re calling them? That’s a car show I would absolutely love to attend.
Asking the real questions!
My FIL’s neighbor owns an otherwise-plain-white ‘90s Chevy Astro panel van, with a mural on the side sliding door’s blank window area. This mural says “Astro Van” across the top in Astro van badge font, and below it, offset to the left, there is a side view of an Astro panel van with a purple front end tearing into a plain white rear half. Next to the van is a giant Chevy bow-tie. The background is a grassy field with a sunset sky. It is incredible and I must have a van with a similar mural someday.
I would like to see this if you have a way to share a picture. It sounds magnificent.
I wish we could post photos! Would an iCloud link to that photo work?? Or would I be inviting the whole internet into my camera roll? Lol
One way to find out!
Looking at the picture I took of it again, I think it’s actually a see through vinyl graphic covering the window, not a solid windowless door.
Here’s the picture of it.
https://share.icloud.com/photos/059gmTrFJH4NPP-LiP1bg-yOw
Dreams do come true. This is giving me vibes of the Pontiac minivan giveaway on the simpson’s: way too much excitement over something no one should be excited about. (A trait I find admirable).
https://www.reddit.com/r/TheSimpsons/s/OWmGiFK7EC
Two IMSA GTP era sportscars dicing for the apex of the corner. I was (briefly) involved with the sport back then.
But the any of the Krieger vans from Archer would work too.
I’ve always wanted to have Chinese Cultural Revolution propaganda murals on my van. You know, the ones with determined looking proletariat in those khaki uniforms holding Mao’s Little Red Book in the air? Not a Commie (I have an MBA, FFS). I just thought they looked cool.
Now that’s a person comfortable with their political orientation. Respect.
Some vans have free candy. This one has free books!
This is a genuinely hilarious idea. It’s also reasonably attainable. I strongly encourage you to redirect your energies over the next year to make it a reality. The party demands it. Let one thousand flowers bloom.
You reminded me of a “survey of Soviet film” class I took in college. Much to my surprise, a lot of good art came out during those decades. Creators were forced to use metaphor to say what they wanted without the censors catching on. It was pretty incredible what they could get away with and what brutal critique they could make in films that the government would eagerly distribute far and wide.
I just share bc it’s easy (and correct) to mock the propaganda posters we’re all familiar with. But I bet if you knew what to look for, those images have little Easter eggs all over them.
EDIT: we only covered the USSR in the class. While I assume there were similar endeavors in other “peoples republics,” I don’t know for sure.
I would have an airbrushed portrait of Tilda Swinton [circa Only Lovers Left Alive] on the side of my Econoline van. The interior would be all burgundy velvet.
My parents had a 1978 Econoline van conversion with deep blue shag carpet on the floor, with accent strips on the walls and headliner. When I drove for a bit in the 90’s I had to tell my drunk friends when I was designated driver not to touch it. They inevitably would and decaying carpet fibers would immediately shoot into their eyes.
OG Top Gun tribute. F14 dog fighting with black F5 with red stars, homoerotic volley ball, a Kawasaki racing a jet taking off … You know, standard stuff.
What’s the vanity plate say? C’mon, I know you’ve thought of it.
Well, you can’t get vanity plates where I live but there are a lot of options for the US!
MAVERIK
ICE-MAN
MIRAMAR
TWRBUZZ
IWNTBTT
TOPCATS
FLYGAYS
Take your pick !
FLYGAYS. The only logical choice
And the most fabulous.
That would need a most fabulous mural!
If you’re Jason, you’re painting taillights all over the back of it.
I was going to say regs would never allow it but why would they have thought to prohibit it? You could be responsible for forcing the creation of a new regulation. Epic.
Phoebe’s van:
https://www.imcdb.org/v126524.html
Naked ladies.
Bare Naked Ladies?
I’ve actually thought about this exact thing before: full Led Zeppelin tribute, utilizing a montage of images… The four symbols, Page waving the multicolor sword over his head from the Song Remains the Same. The Presence obelisk. The hermit with the bundle of straw on his back. Full shag carpeting with a record player, fully stocked with their whole catalog.
A perfect use case for a Technics SL-10 turntable. Will run off of 12VDC.