Pretty much everyone today has access to a Global Positioning System by flipping out the shockingly powerful computer that fits in their pocket. I grew up at the tail end of the era of using paper maps to navigate. Then came websites like MapQuest, and then a phone-based navigation app. Now, connecting two distant points on Earth is trivially easy. Even the cheapest phones can get you far, so long as your device can reach the satellite network. I wonder how many people even know how to use a paper map anymore?
Anyway, one of the greatest experiences of GPS when it was younger was the novel ways that navigation was made fun. One of them was through streaming directions through celebrity voices. This morning, Jason wrote a fantastic Cold Start, which might have been a hallucination, about the bold ads Chrysler had with Ricardo Montalban. The comments were nearly as fun. ChefCJ:
I don’t care what anyone says, this is easily the best era of Chrysler, entirely because of these commercials. I would buy a Chrysler right now if it had a GPS with Montalban’s voice.
“Take a luxurious right turn at the next light, and you will arrive in unparralled style at your sumptuous destination on the right”
Abdominal Snoman:
Way back when stand alone GPS’s were a thing my sister had one that she found some voice packs to download for it. My 2 favorites were Yoda and Mr T.
“At next light, turn right you must”
“TURN RIGHT NOW, FOOL!”
This wasn’t even that long ago! Waze, the navigation app owned by Google since 2013, featured Mr. T as a voice back in 2017. A year before that, you were able to get Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond, and James May giving you directions in Waze. Sadly, all of Waze’s celebrity GPS voices were short-lived promotions. Nowadays, most people are driving around with whatever boring digital assistant voice is trapped in their phone. If you’re phone-savvy, all is not lost! You can download voice packs for Waze.
Jason also wrote about how dog parents are accidentally ruining their hybrid car batteries by using doggie seat covers, which cover the cooling vents near the rear seat. Pet hair also jams up these vents. Canopysaurus:
Dog gone batteries.
10001010:
Canines Are Ruff on Hybrids.
Lewin wrote about how the EPA finally wants to fix the stupid gas cans that everyone hates. I’m with those people. Jesus Chrysler drives a Dodge:
This is why I only store my gasoline in Hefty bags.
Angel “the Cobra” Martin:
My fuel jugs don’t vent anything to the atmosphere, unless you count the 25% that leaks out when pouring.
Have a great evening, everyone!
(Topshot: Waze)
An Iracer figured out a way to give himself celebrity spotter voices. He’s been using JFK for the past two years
I would love Moira Rose from Schitt’s Creek to be my GPS voice. No such luck though.
https://video.search.yahoo.com/search/video;_ylt=AwrFFhbOzoxo_AEA4YRXNyoA;_ylu=Y29sbwNiZjEEcG9zAzEEdnRpZAMEc2VjA3BpdnM-?p=moira+rose+quotes&fr2=piv-web&type=E211US1451G0&fr=mcafee#id=3&vid=e1e0e5ebd9a7932bd184d47d48ffef28&action=view
The Mr T. story reminds me of when I bought my now wife a Garmin GPS. I installed the Mr T. voice on it because why wouldn’t you? She was driving somewhere when she got a call from her doctor for an appointment. At the same time she missed a turn and Mr T. yelled at her for not listening. The woman on the phone got concerned and asked her if she was okay thinking she was in an abusive relationship. She told her that it was just Mr T. I hope the person didn’t know who Mr T. was, or they knew and thought he was actually in the car. We still tell this story all the time.
At the time (and maybe still since we use our phones now like everyone else) you could download a garmin program to create your own guide voice. I did this and had to read a list of prompts to create a basic voice. I used creative license for some of the prompts. This was the voice I set to default when I gave her the GPS for her birthday. When we were trying it out for the first time, the very first thing she said was “I hate this voice”. It was hard not to laugh. When I purposely missed a turn and it said “Why do you never listen to me blondie? (Blondie is an occasional nickname). She finally figured out that it was my voice. We still tell this story also.
That GPS is long gone, but we have some good memories from it. I was able to have the A-team van for the vehicle when we had Mr T. as the voice, and I had a red Celica for the rest of the time (She owned a red 2003 Celica at the time) so that was cool. Lastly, I loved Mr T. at first , but you can only get yelled at by him for so long before you get tired of it.
In around 2000 or so AT&T had a text to speech demo application that would read any text that you entered in the voice of James Earl Jones, who was their spokesman at the time. I was working at Cisco and we had a call center software stack that we were working on so of course a couple of us made up a demo where all the voice prompts and error messages were spoken by Darth Vader.
“I am altering your place in the queue. Pray I don’t alter it any further.”
Can you get COTD in COTD?
That’s called a “yo dawg!”
100% here for this hahaha
I knew someone who set his GPS to Australian because it sounded like his ex and he could argue with it. Personally I thought GLaDOS from Portal would be great, except for the while homicidal vibe, you kno “in 300 yards turn rightca drive off a cliff you stupid meat bag”
But will there be cake?
The cake is a lie.
Wow, I don’t typically use waze or gps in general when I’m driving, but I’m going to have to give this a try. Disappointed they don’t have Yoda though.
Then there’s this.
https://thehardtimes.net/culture/henry-rollins-driving-app-tells-you-how-hard-it-would-have-been-to-get-there-in-the-80s
The new app, RatsEyes, gives driving directions to your destination while also shouting knowledge gained from the relentless work ethic of Rollins’ legendary hardcore group, Black Flag. The band’s groundbreaking and hard touring schedule often took them on very nontraditional routes across the country, as the app will frequently remind you.
While trying to drive from Los Angeles to Tucson, one user was directed to “Drive five miles to 7-11. Locate the nearest payphone and call Steve. Hopefully he’ll pick up and let you know where you need to be. Otherwise it’s just another overnight with Watt arguing about whatever bullshit he’s got up his ass this time.”
There are precedents for putting gasoline in plastic bags; here’s a CBS story from 2021: https://www.cbsnews.com/news/gas-shortage-plastic-bags-warning-consumer-product-safety/
🙂