I have unbelievably bad news everyone. After protracted contract negotiations lasting all of about five minutes during which Matt and I went back and forth over the contents of my rider, The Autopian Rodius is going on tour! I didn’t think a fresh bowl of black M&Ms and a case of Goodwood champagne at each stop was too much to ask for, but apparently it was. Matt says I’m getting a half drunk bottle of Malort (whatever that is, I’m assuming it’s a high quality liquor) and whatever Jason has left in the staff canteen fridge. Honestly.
Because of that minor disagreement over remuneration The Autopian Rodius UK tour is currently limited to two dates over the next few weeks. It will be appearing at the Festival of the Unexceptional organized by our friends at Hagerty,  on Saturday the 26th July at Grimsthorpe (ha!) Castle (if you want to get an idea of what it’s all about, here’s a piece I wrote about it). Followed up by a second appearance at Rustival on Saturday 30th August, which takes place at the Cathedral of Failure – sorry The British Motor Museum at Gaydon.
Do you want to see the wheeled Hieronymus Bosch painting for yourself? Of Course you don’t! If you think you can gaze upon its horror without losing your lunch or turning to stone, be prepared to be dazzled and mortified by the following sights, sounds and indeed smells!:
- See where I completely failed to clean all the Monday morning contents of Thomas’s stomach from the interior and exterior!
- Gaze in bafflement at the brain twisting terror of three sets of fan controls!
- Feel the ground and your internal organs tremble at the infernal clanging of the inline 5 Mercedes diesel engine!
- Peer into the minds of the madmen who saw fit to equip the Rodius with FULL TIME FOUR WHEEL DRIVE!
- Watch in terror as the mere sight of the Rodius makes small children spontaneously burst into tears and turns mild mannered dogs into hell beasts of Satan himself!
- Listen to the middle classes tut tut as the Rodius crashes all the property prices within a ten mile radius!
- Laugh maniacally at the complete uselessness of the rear spoiler!
- Feel your automotive enthusiasm depart your body in real time as you ask yourself how in Hades’ name was such a monstrosity ever created?
- Try and spot me as I hide in the media area drinking complimentary coffee away from the public!
All these dubious attractions and much, much less! Come one! Come all! For the sake of your eyesight don’t come at all!
If you have ever wondered what the inmates of the a South Korean insane asylum might come up with if they took car design classes, now is your chance. I can’t guarantee I’ll be with the Rodius when you see it, in fact quite the opposite. I’ll be keeping as much distance between it and myself as possible. But rest assured Rodius willing, I will be at both events wearing an Autopian tee shirt and my customary all black so I shouldn’t be too hard to spot. And of course members can always try to summon me by creating a pentagram on the ground or using by the Discord.
So if you feel brave enough please come up and say hello. I don’t bite. Much.
That Cathedral of Failure line had me laughing out loud and scared the cats!
I took a look on Marketplace and there’s no Rodius’ (Rodii?), but there is a manual Rexton that on the listing says ‘sell whole or part out’ which I assume is just automatically added to all Ssangyong sales adverts
“Matt says I’m getting a half drunk bottle of Malort”
It tastes like a combination of cardboard, gym socks, and yesterday’s garbage. Courtesy of the people of Chicago, IL. I’m guessing Mercedes is familiar with it…
I love Malört, but one of my friends says it tastes like a tire fire in your mouth, and in this case, with backwash for more flavot. Which, all in all, is pretty appropriate for Adrian and Rodius.
I am now even more morbidly fascinated.
Random question, does anyone know what Adrian sounds like? For some reason, whenever I read his articles I do so as if Alan Rickman was narrating, so I’m wondering if that’s close.
I’ve only done about 500 reels on Instagram.
A two date tour? Even Spinal Tap got more.
“Don’t worry about the Goodwood gig, boys. It’s not a big car car thing.”
I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it.
I assure you, that Malort is equal in quality to the Rodius.
Maybe. And I’ve never seen an empty bottle of Malort. Only
Nah, Malört is far superior quality.
I’ve had the pleasure of meeting Adrian at the first Rustival and I can confirm the above statement
Your track record for cars being near the Cathedral Of Failure is a bit questionable. I seem to remember that’s where the Mondial piddled out it’s clutch fluid a year or two ago. Hopefully the literally sickening South Korean more or less minivan of doom does not decide it wants to join it’s comrades in crap there
Let’s not forget my Duster blew a piston there as well.
“Tune in on Sunday, Sunday, SUNDAY!!!”
Truckasarus!
Sunday BLOODY Sunday
God if I was not an ocean away…
Also, will someone please bring him a wrench, er, spanner so he can remove the valve stem caps and not hurt his nails!?
or a butler to do it.
“Matt says I’m getting a half drunk bottle of Malort (whatever that is, I’m assuming it’s a high quality liquor)”
Malort is arguably only somewhat better than a used ATF and bunker fuel oil Martini so you may want to clear your post Malort schedule for a couple of days…
The first part of Malort; “Mal” starts to cover the abomination of the toxin. “ort” is what is uttered right before the inevitable projectile vomit episode that happens to at least one person, every bottle, every time.
Is it better than the engine degreaser called Raki they sell in Greece? That stuff is pure lighter fluid.
Nah, good quality raki is a delightful balkanic treat. Almost as good as good baklava.
I never tried that Malort thing, though, albeit I may have drank similarly questionable beverages at a younger age.
Malort. Makes you wish you had chugged a whole container of chunky, forgotten long ago expired milk from a broken refrigerator instead.
From the French “mal” meaning “bad” and the German “Ort” meaning place or location. Because it puts you in a bad place…
I too, enjoy the tunes of Post Malort.
Why y’all gotta hate on the wonderful elixir known as Malört?
Whose hating? All these are objective, factual reviews.
I have the feeling you just aren’t that hard to pick out from a crowd. Tall skinny dressed all in black painted finger nails and toe nails with a Mohawk. I’d point out that pasty complexion but hey it’s the UK you can’t throw a stale crumpet without hitting a Brit with the complexion of Casper the friendly ghost.
We have the same sun as you, it’s only daylight-fearing goths and cancer-fearing normal people who avoid it.
No you don’t, you’re much closer to the North Pole.
What did you think I meant by “the same sun”? I meant it literally.
The intensity of sunlight maybe less than most of the US, but it’s intense enough that you can get sunburn in winter.
I’m only 2 hours from Grimesthorpe. Not fun hours though, because the A17 is the world’s most boring road (and I’ve driven across Indiana and Ohio).
I’m pretty sure the Lotus can hold itself together for at least another couple of hours.
But on Saturday I’m supposed to be making a new side window for a Jaguar XKSS.
I’ll see if I can move some things around….
Will there be Autopian merch?
Not that The Rodius isn’t worth the trip.
Well, actually it is because The Rodius isn’t worth the trip.
I have a bunch of small stickers. Take it or leave it.
Genuinely I’d drive four hours to pick up a sticker, and, I guess, meet someone who’s writing I love.
But I can’t get out of this Jag thing. It’s seventy-odd years old, you’d think it could wait a day for new windows.
Quitter. I expect better.
Better?
I am already a world class quitter.
Oh, sorry, I see what you mean.
Those states are child’s play. Try Nebraska or Montana!
Or I-10 through West Texas…
That’s the amazing thing about The Fens in the UK: how much nothing they managed to cram in to such a small area.
You can cross it in half an hour at illegal speeds on a fast motorcycle, and I have, but it was still somehow extremely boring.
So, you got a promotion?
Demotion? On the bright side at least you get to pick up a few extra hours on your timecard
You should definitely get the red headlights in the header photo installed on the Rodious pronto.
Maybe you can forget to engage the parking brake and let it roll into the moat surrounding Grimsthorpe Castle…all castles have moats don’t they.
It won’t sink. It’s obviously a boat.
Or a witch
I’ve heard from a few shady mechanics that muffler bearings need to be serviced regularly. If you don’t they sieze up and catch fire. And the Odious looks poorly maintained. It wouldn’t surprise me if it randomly caught fire…
You will be very easy to find.
Step 1: locate Rodius
Step 2: find the furthest location within event limits
Step 3: upon arrival, proceed to sing “Achy Breaky Heart” at the top of lungs
Step 4: wait to get punched
Adrian achievement unlocked
Sorry too busy line dancing to Old Town Road what were you saying?
He told me he also hates Oasis w/ the burning of a thousand suns…
(Achy Breaky Heart is also horrible)
Malort!! Because somebody shit your pants!
I wish I was able to come to one of these events I would dearly love to make the following argument in person.
Uncle Adrian should keep the Rodious. Here’s why:
1. When you want to go out and get absolutely ripped, you can get out of being the designated driver by declaring ‘Sorry. All I’ve got that runs at the moment is the Rodious.”
2. It can inexplicably be driven into London without incurring the emissions charge (I think that’s what it was),
3. It could be used in the classes as an example of a vehicle that does its job well despite being an affront to God and man.
4. It will never be stolen. Not even parts from it!
5. You will absolutely, positively know that anyone who rides in it with you genuinely enjoys your company.
I frankly don’t see why people think it is so bad. I have seen uglier cars hyped on poorer car sites. I mean at least it isn’t a Yugo or a Chang-li or a Smart Car.
You’ll enjoy inflicting the Malört on others. Not going to say friends, because they might not be your friends after a shot of that.
I will be the contrarian here and say that Malort bears a resemblance to many bitter herbal liqueurs sold in Europe and if you’re fond of any of those you won’t “hate” it. It’s very unlike anything that the American palate is used to which is why it gets descriptions of its taste as “band-aids and regret” and “grandma’s junk drawer”.
My all time favorite (and most accurate) description of its aftertaste is “It sticks around like an ex who won’t lose your number or stop stalking your facebook and even after you make your facebook completely private they somehow still see photos of you with your new love interest and make comments about killing your cat.” (From cbsnews.com)
Yeah but remember the Stinson Hot/crazy barometer. If they are hot enough it surpasses the crazy but a bad idea to date but good for a booty call
And people don’t like it? Curious.
I think the label even says as much. Or at least it used to on the bottle I had in the 90s, when it really was an underground thing and you gained knowledge of it only by being tricked into a shot.
This person gets it! I barrel age it and have strawberry infused and candied ginger infused bottles. The new Malört is objectively a better product than the pre-CH Malört, but I do miss the old stuff that was more aggressive.
Maybe coworkers who made you drive it
Next time Adrian is allowed into the US, he should take over some Buckfast Tonic Wine to return the favour.
It can’t be that bad if you’re only going to drink coffee. Boozing it up will blot out the immediate anguish and prevent you from driving it back.
Yeah i mean if someone wants to drive me home hello free booze.
Ugh, Matt’s being a terrible boss here.
To Mercedes.
Wait what?
As the only Chicagoland-based staffer she’ll not only be stuck buying the Malort but she’ll have to pack, ship and drink half of it!
Or pour it down the sink, or use it as parts cleaner…
And considering Jason works from home and has a teenage son, I doubt there’s much left in his fridge for long.
Oh I thought you meant Matt was an asshole and Miss Mercedes was a disaster area my mistake….
She needs to send some Old Style with it, then Adrian can have a Chicago Handshake, the second official beverage of Chicago
Simple send him a full bottle and allow him to pour half of it out. He was given a reward at half a bottle a whole bottle could have caused him to grow hair. Everywhere and canceling out the Mohawk
“As the only Chicagoland-based staffer she’ll not only be stuck buying the Malort but she’ll have to pack, ship and drink half of it!”
Total Wine stocks Jepsons Malort in places nowhere near Chicagoland.
https://www.totalwine.com/search/all?text=Malort
I imagine other chains do the same.
Someone needs to ring up a fancy vintner in the UK and ask them to supply some.
And record the call obviously.
Jepson’s has a store locator on their website.
https://malort.com/where-to-buy/
It’s sold in 30 states.
I say we create a new Autopian cocktail: A splash of Jepson’s Malort in an Engine Gin and Tonic:
https://www.engine.land/en/?srsltid=AfmBOope1Q-OWuil5EW0YWsPcskU0-BME1EU3jAmgvLWlR97jKSexpL2
Call it an “Autopian” It’d be perfect to literally spit on a Duke.
Engine Gin is quite good. A fitting Autopian beverage.
So the “To Mercedes” made me think of a movie title: To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything! Julie Newmar. I think Adrian should spearhead a remake campaign entitled To Mercedes Streeter, Thanks For Everything! Adrian Clarke.
It features Torch, David, and Matt in drag on a road trip in the Nissan Crosscab.
To Mercedes Streeter, Thanks for the Malort, It Cleaned Up The Last Of Thomas’ Puke, But It Damaged The Paint.
That reminds me I was reading a car guys rules today. A lot of the same crap but is the rule you puke you clean it up or you puke I clean it up and kill you? Asking for a friend
True story. My buddy had his truck repainted a few months before we went drinking in rural Nevada in November. (Hint: Where the pavement ends and the West begins). HIs wife was Swiss-German, she put down a lot of Jager. We drove out of town (because Nevada). Had to stop so she could puke all over the side of the truck (they got divorced a few years later). The Jager took the new paint right off. Later that night, it snowed 4 inches. I was sleeping outside in bivy sack (no tent). One of us had a tent, woke up and yelled “The dog threw up in my mouth”. What had happened was the guy had eaten a steak, barfed and the dog had crawled in to his tent to get out of the snow. The dog ended up drunk, you can guess how (this is a family website, right? Delmar, not his real name…). So we had a drunk guy, a drunk dog, we all had insane hang overs and realize that 4 inches of snow as going to melt and we would be stuck until June. We bugged out.
If we had had Malort, we would have died. Thank gods for Jager!
I’m insulted you don’t want to see me in drag. My legs are fabulous.
I missed that part of Data’s comment at first. We know Torch’s drag name is Amber Blinker, but what of the others?
I’m not tellling you my drag name, but I do have one.
Solution: Rip out horn. Un-delicately. It’ll fail MOT. You know this.
Probably the best 50 quid you’ll spend.
This really is the gift that keeps on giving.
Now that summer tour is booked, I can’t wait to see what dates Matt will come up with for fall tour!
Too bad you can’t tour the States in it.
Laugh maniacally at the complete uselessness of the rear soiler!
This typo is spot on
Let’s blame Matt. After all, this is all his doing.
Maybe you should consider what you might have done to piss off Matt?
I think I upset him by being a better writer than he is.
The side soiler already did a pretty good job of it.