It’s Friday! Even better, the Friday before a long weekend, meaning it’s an ideal time for polluting your brain with some top-shelf Automotive Would You Rather! In fact, this week I’m making sure to do one because I found out that, of all things, our own Bishop has a kid who he said expects these every week, so I can’t let a nine-year-old down, right? Of course I can’t. So let’s get to it!
Scenario One
You decide to take your current target of your affections to the zoo, in the hopes that perhaps you’ll encounter some monitor lizards or some equally sexy animals going at it, hopefully getting everyone in the mood. While craning you neck to try and see if the ocelots are up to anything interesting, you accidentally dump the eight pounds of beef jerky you shoplifted from a 7-11 right in front of a sleeping ocelot.
The ocelot is, of course, thrilled to be awoken by the meaty bounty, and reveals that in fact he is not an ocelot, but rather Tlalocelot, the Aztec-Peruvian ocelot god, working undercover for the Mesoamerican equivalent of OSHA. As a way of thanking you for all of the jerky, Tlalocelot scratches you across the chest with a long, golden claw.
He then tells you that this claw secretes a powerful magic unguent, and this magical unguent has the ability to give you a very specific power: You can materialize any car named for an animal, but when you do, the animal that it is named for will appear in your home.
So, that means you can have, say a free, perfect DeTomaso Mangusta, but when you get home you’ll need to trap and release the mongoose that’s running amok in your house. You can have a Mustang, if you’re ready to get a freaked-out horse from your apartment, or a Sunbeam Tiger, which should also be pretty challenging, or a Piaggio Ape (actually, that one is easier than you think, because Ape is Italian for bee) or a Corvette Sting Ray, if you don’t mind a sea creature dying noisily on your carpet.
So, any animal-named car you want – as many of them as you want – but you have to figure out what to do with the animals this creates. I mean, if you like Beetles, it’s easy, but if you want to start a Jaguar collection, I hope you have a friend over at animal control.
Scenario Two
For the past three months, you’ve been sneaking into a really exclusive gym, one full of the richest people you’ve ever encountered in your life. You become acquainted with a guy who seems to be involved with every major automotive company and supplier you can think of, and you two talk about cars a lot.
One day you’re playing handball with the guy, when he smacks the ball so hard at your face it lodges in your throat, causing you to vomit it out in a powerful geyser. He slips on the vomit, falling on his back, which knocks his phone out of his pocket, which ricochets off his leg, then bounces to his nose, the tip of which happens to punch in his passcode and click on a video to play.
The video is him and some business partners outlining an incredibly corrupt plan to control the automotive supplier market, along with a sideline in human trafficking and forging ancient Etruscan pornography. It’s extremely damaging stuff – that Jared guy from Subway was in the videos, even – and you’ve just seen it all.
The guy’s in a panic that you’ll talk, so he makes you a deal: he can get you any – and he means any – car you want for free, delivered right to you, registered and with no questions asked. It’s great!
Oh, but there’s one catch: the car will be disassembled. See, he can get absolutely everything, but the car will be in a form close to a CKD (Completely Knocked Down) kit, so you’ll have to assemble it yourself.
Look, if you want to get two and use one as payment to have someone build yours, that’s fine, whatever – just keep your mouth shut about what you saw, okay? You can have up to a delivery a month, if you want, even!
If you blab, though, he’s probably going to have you killed, by the way. Just so you know.
The correct answer is Mercury Bobcat. You get a (slightly) more luxurious version of the very sporty, practical hatchback Pinto, plus a big house cat, which provided you could raise him from a cub, would be an acceptable animal companion and keep your home rodent and burglar free.
This is the first time in my life I’ve read an apparently dry and sincere description of a Ford Pinto as “very sporty.” I believe even the most fulsome Ford sales brochure would have stopped short of “very.”
Animal Car!! Gimme a Dino!
I live in an old wood apartment with paper thin walls. I’d just laugh (as I turn the key) and say, “I ain’t never goin’ back home! . Let the complaints roll in!”
Biologically speaking, human beings are animals, So I’ll take a nice Jeep Cherokee Chief, and buy the guy a plane ticket home.
If you won’t allow that, I’m sure I could make short work of a Beetle.
Ethically, I must choose the animal option. Also, practically, I don’t trust myself to build my cars, but I do trust myself to remove animals from my home.
I will take option 1. I am from the deep south and while I no longer hunt, I ain’t forgot either and frankly if it get me a viper, what does a few holes in the floor matter.
I make 85 dollars each hour for working an online job at home. I never thought I can do it but my best friend makes 10000 bucks every month njf working this job and she recommended me to learn more about it.
The potential with this is endless…______ https://salaryweb21.blogspot.com/
Me and my collection of boxy ’90s Fiats are going to single-handedly save an endangered species
Yeah, the scenario gets me here. If I push that aside, I’m quite happy to build my own dream car. But I’d rather deal with a sketchy animal than a sketchy human.
Fortunately I already have a Cougar. Keeping it safe I wouldn’t mind a Suzuki Alto Lapin and a Fiat 124 Spider Abarth, I could risk a Hudson Hornet, and the Qvale Mangusta is an irrational dream car of mine.
A Skoda Yeti would be interesting, but I think I’d just go for all the cars named spider. I’ve got thousands of them already but none are Ferraris. Or Porsches. Or those cute Fiats. I have a few mantises in the yard but not one is a Marcos. A 1969 426 Hemi Super Bee would be low impact in the garden.
Yes , option one seems pretty good.
I didn’t even think about the “letting a human trafficker go” angle before I read the comments, and I *think* that wasn’t necessarily intended to be one of the downsides, but before I cast my vote I do want to ask a clarifying question: just how far down does the “Some Assembly Required” go? Am I delivered some fairly complete components or do I have to cut and weld sheetmetal and wind my own copper motors? Am I given wiring harnesses or just spools of wire? (Or, god forbid, vats of copper and varied colors of rubber insulation?)
So you mean I get to start my own low-volume car manufacturer, building whatever I want, with no fabrication required and zero cost of materials? Plus I get to learn a new trade.
Sounds like option 2 is more fun.
You can start a new Mustang business… as well as a pet food business…
and as all those horses start aging you could open a glue factory too
Although I would like to put together a kit car one day, the internet tells me sting ray and barracuda are both edible.
I thought I heard barracudas were poisonous, but I could be wrong
The small ones are edible. The big ones can develop a poison as they grow big that is pretty bad and they are subject to mercury poisoning also as they get big.
Let’s be fair, mercury poisoning is probably going to be a problem for any marine animal, unless the magic ocelot accounts for that.
That’s why I’m tripling down on adding marlin to the menu. Also because I just remembered it existed.
A sting ray is also known as a skate, an animal used for faux scallops. I believe the barracuda is edible as well.
SSC Tuatara.
I’ll take a slow, harmless, easy to catch lizard for a two million dollar super car please.
Sell, move to New Zealand, set up a wildlife refuge, repeat.
Iso Grifo 327. I’m sure the creature would destroy the house, but I’m sure proof of a live griffin would be worth quite a bit on its own whether or not they would adhere to the version where they hoard gold.
I was thinking along the same lines for a TVR Chimera.
Fun fact – “chimerism” is a condition where two embryos merge into one creature during development, so perhaps you’d get a cute little bicolor house cat instead of a goat-lion-snake monstrosity.
I think we all know how these magic things work, they always manifest the worst possible example..
I’ll take an AC “Greyhound” and a Ferrari Berlinetta “Boxer” if that counts.
And yay I get two great dogs too!
Hillman Husky and Bedford Beagle! Does a Volkswagen Pointer count?
How about a Leyland “Terrier”truck to tote these puppies to a track day?
If I had a house (with a garage and a big-ass yard) the Huskies would be perfect. I saw one at a local car show once that was done up as a gasser and had an AMC four-cylinder tucked under the bonnet – make mine that one.
I’m I pretty indifferent guy, but the human trafficking aspect makes it a bit trickier to pick the otherwise occupied No2.
I’m not all that gifted mechanically, but for a tasty supply of 1 box o’ electric car components per month I could part it out to fund some assistance to electrify an outrageously unlikely fleet. But even I draw the line at human trafficking.
So I guess I’d better build an animal pen inside.
Well, no car is worth me not spilling the beans on a pervert predator so I’ll go with the animal option.
After dealing with the first few vipers and selling the Vipers I’m doing some major renovations on my place to make it more “cage like”.
Are there any vehicles named after extinct or endangered animals? That would be an added bonus.
The Lamborghini Urus is named after the aurochs, an extinct species of cattle. Polish truck builder Tarpan is named after a breed of wild horse that is now extinct (and the trucks are very Autopian). There’s also the AEC Mammoth, a very large British truck. That’s three, there are probably more.
If motorcycles count, and if they’re still endangered, the Hayabusa is named after the Peregrine Falcon (although to that extend, do you get to select the breed of animal if it’s more generic, and just get a bunch of Ford Falcons?). Plus, I assume concept cars count, so that opens up more depths. Plus, with bringing the conservation angle into it, you could probably partner with automakers to build the exact car you want, name it after something endangered, and then take the credit for you helping repopulate that species
A Campagna T-Rex would create all kinds of fun once a real T-Rex materialized.
well there is the Ford raptor,
raptors are quite extinct
My kid appreciates the effort, Jason! Thank you. However, he chose Option 1 and wants a pet duck, which creates the opposite problem of having to park a thirty foot long, six wheeled amphibious WWII vehicle in front of my house (DUKW).
Also, how KD would the car be? My thinking is an electric car would be the way to go if choosing the ICE route would require installing head gaskets and valve seals and such.
There is a motorhome company named Mallard. Or how does he feel about swans? You could get an Aston Martin Cygnet and raise it.
Mallard got swept up in being bought up and or shut down. Fleetwood and their Bounder versions got taken for a ride also…
Im not 100% sure if Tiffen is still around…
Ooh, I didn’t really think of EVs. That would absolutely be the route for the kit car choice.
Just have him ask for the duck in Dutch (or German), as mentioned elsewhere in this thread. That way you only need to find space for a Citroen 2CV.
Does asking directly for a 2CV get horses made of steam? At what initial temperature?
“Two tax / steam horses”
Maybe you get two horses per 2CV. And they’re dressed like lawyers out of a Jules Verne novel.
Animals all the way, immediate pick would be a Mercury sable AIV. Sables are hard to catch because they’re basically kind big ferrets with even more energy, but they’re still catchable. Then… Has there been a car named after an elephant? Because then I’d have to address the elephant in the room.
Depends on how you define “car”: https://www.ponsse.com/en/products/forwarders/product/-/p/elephant_8w#/
How much of a reasonable guy is this here Tlalocelot, the Aztec-Peruvian ocelot god? I mean, is he willing to stretch a point a little? And: how’s his budget?
Cause if you’re that lucky you could really score BIG, and I mean BIG!:
The 1931 Bugatti Royale –
“The strongest, largest and most luxurious automobile in the world, characterized by unimaginable power and opulent equipment. for Ettore Bugatti, the Royale was the culmination of his creations; a vehicle that knew no competitors in terms of performance, quality and image. a vehicle for emperors, kings and queens.”
https://www.bugatti.com/media/news/2020/bugatti-legends-type-41/
The elephant connection? The hood ornament for the Royale is a solid silver dancing elephant, and because of that (and the giant size of every part of the car – the 12.8 litre inline eight cylinder engine -twinned admittedly- was later used in locomotive applications) the Royale was nicknamed le elephant….
Magical Unguent , Hah… I love it ! Jason you need to keep sniffing the tailpipe of your Yugo.
I feel the need to be kinda pedantic, the Ford mustang is not named for the animal, its named for the plane, well according to at least 1/2 of the sources I’ve seen anyway.
And now I’m trying to think of a full list of cars named for animals. Oh and do they have to be real animals or are cryptids possible?
Hard to argue when the Mustang logo is a horse…
If you are going to be pedantic about the “named after something named after” thing…. when you get YOUR Mustang it’s going to be a Mustang II…
This is the toughest one of these yet, both are pretty attractive options. But, I trust the magical ocelot more than the rich handball guy. What’s to say he doesn’t just kill you anyway?
There are plenty of not-so-dangerous animal-named cars out there. I think I could handle ridding my house of a cobra or viper, or I could keep them and get some VW Rabbits to feed them. As long as I don’t have to keep the animal in my house, definitely the better option.
You mentioning cobra just made me thought of something peculiar. What if you want a Mustang Cobra Jet? Do you get a mustang and a cobra in your house? Or some unholy part horse part snake part jet plane amalgamation.
Too bad the ocelot didn’t include fauna based car names. How are you gonna feed the rabbits without a Leaf.
I was thinking the same thing. I’d gladly take a Shelby Cobra, then keep the cobra as a pet. They’re surprisingly domesticable. Check Chrisweeet’s youtube channel. He has videos of himself freehandling his pet cobras, even going as far as to give one of his cobras named Oracle neck massages.
I also used to keep a rattlesnake named Nippy, and was able to pet him. Not once was I ever struck at. I’ve also known someone who kept a Timber Rattlesnake named Rex that was calm enough to be handled, and I let him lay on my neck. These animals are qualitatively different from straight-up wild animals. Go try to pick one up in the woods, and you will most likely be bitten without any hesitation. But they can become used to human interaction, so they’re not as dangerous as you’d think at first glance.
I’d actually take two Cobras. I’d have a Shelby Cobra, and a Mustang Cobra. I’d name the snakes after the cars too. Maybe get a 3rd cobra, a Daytona Coupe, and if the snake is a king, name him Elvis.
“A Rattlesnake Named Nippy”
Great name for a feral children’s book.
Rattlesnakes where a somewhat common encounter for me growing up.
If I found them on the property it was my 12 year old duty to dispatch of them. If I happened across them hiking I left them alone.
They are surprisingly easy to deal with, easy to gut and skin, and the meat is pretty good if you cook it right.
Technically they are pit “vipers”.
So.. I’ll take a shiny red V10 in the driveway and the free dinner.
Well, I build model cars for fun anyway, so I’ll take door number two. I’ve got a garage full of tools, and I’m not afraid to use them.
Up to one car-any car I can image-delivered in pieces each month? As opposed to having a Jaguar in my little house? That was easy-except for the human trafficking part: that’s a soul-eating problem there.
I voted in pieces, but that was before I thought of the Eagle, that E type reimagined. Plenty of Spiders out there, too. Hmm. Ok, harder that I thought
I’ll deal with the animals. Wheels with meals!!!
Just make your “home” a slaughterhouse!