It’s Friday! Even better, the Friday before a long weekend, meaning it’s an ideal time for polluting your brain with some top-shelf Automotive Would You Rather! In fact, this week I’m making sure to do one because I found out that, of all things, our own Bishop has a kid who he said expects these every week, so I can’t let a nine-year-old down, right? Of course I can’t. So let’s get to it!
You decide to take your current target of your affections to the zoo, in the hopes that perhaps you’ll encounter some monitor lizards or some equally sexy animals going at it, hopefully getting everyone in the mood. While craning you neck to try and see if the ocelots are up to anything interesting, you accidentally dump the eight pounds of beef jerky you shoplifted from a 7-11 right in front of a sleeping ocelot.
The ocelot is, of course, thrilled to be awoken by the meaty bounty, and reveals that in fact he is not an ocelot, but rather Tlalocelot, the Aztec-Peruvian ocelot god, working undercover for the Mesoamerican equivalent of OSHA. As a way of thanking you for all of the jerky, Tlalocelot scratches you across the chest with a long, golden claw.
He then tells you that this claw secretes a powerful magic unguent, and this magical unguent has the ability to give you a very specific power: You can materialize any car named for an animal, but when you do, the animal that it is named for will appear in your home.
So, that means you can have, say a free, perfect DeTomaso Mangusta, but when you get home you’ll need to trap and release the mongoose that’s running amok in your house. You can have a Mustang, if you’re ready to get a freaked-out horse from your apartment, or a Sunbeam Tiger, which should also be pretty challenging, or a Piaggio Ape (actually, that one is easier than you think, because Ape is Italian for bee) or a Corvette Sting Ray, if you don’t mind a sea creature dying noisily on your carpet.
So, any animal-named car you want – as many of them as you want – but you have to figure out what to do with the animals this creates. I mean, if you like Beetles, it’s easy, but if you want to start a Jaguar collection, I hope you have a friend over at animal control.
For the past three months, you’ve been sneaking into a really exclusive gym, one full of the richest people you’ve ever encountered in your life. You become acquainted with a guy who seems to be involved with every major automotive company and supplier you can think of, and you two talk about cars a lot.
One day you’re playing handball with the guy, when he smacks the ball so hard at your face it lodges in your throat, causing you to vomit it out in a powerful geyser. He slips on the vomit, falling on his back, which knocks his phone out of his pocket, which ricochets off his leg, then bounces to his nose, the tip of which happens to punch in his passcode and click on a video to play.
The video is him and some business partners outlining an incredibly corrupt plan to control the automotive supplier market, along with a sideline in human trafficking and forging ancient Etruscan pornography. It’s extremely damaging stuff – that Jared guy from Subway was in the videos, even – and you’ve just seen it all.
The guy’s in a panic that you’ll talk, so he makes you a deal: he can get you any – and he means any – car you want for free, delivered right to you, registered and with no questions asked. It’s great!
Oh, but there’s one catch: the car will be disassembled. See, he can get absolutely everything, but the car will be in a form close to a CKD (Completely Knocked Down) kit, so you’ll have to assemble it yourself.
Look, if you want to get two and use one as payment to have someone build yours, that’s fine, whatever – just keep your mouth shut about what you saw, okay? You can have up to a delivery a month, if you want, even!
If you blab, though, he’s probably going to have you killed, by the way. Just so you know.