Cold Start: What’s The Opposite Of Serene?

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I know that car brochures have a special fondness for marina and dock scenes, where cars can be parked on docks over majestic expanses of water, with elegant boats gliding behind them, in scenes that convey ease, wealth, sophistication, and leisure.

Somehow, I think Land Rover did it wrong.

I’ve never seen a more cluttered, busy, and downright chaotic dock seen in a car brochure than this one, with its riot of rigging in the back there, the green-hulled HMS Eminent glowering back there impatiently, and even the wood texture of the dock asserting itself visually, all wrinkly and gnarled.

It’s all kind of unsettling to look at. Who okayed this? Geez.

I do like that stripe kit, though.

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22 Responses

  1. Looks like the scene of a murder-suicide the night before. I’d Land Rover the fuck outta there before the cops get there. Unless your aunt is Jessica Fletcher, then you’re good.

  2. I love the way the driver is sitting bolt upright, hands firmly at 10 and 2 on the wheel, braced for impact from whatever ship is coming in way too fast from outside the frame on the left.

    This guy’s lucky he’s in a Land Rover, right?

    (I think the incoming ship is “Eminent’s” sister vessel, “Destruction”.)

  3. I told the mayor the beaches weren’t safe. I told him. Over and over I told him. Now we’re gonna pay Quint what he wants and let him kill that shark. I don’t care how much it costs, Quint and I are going to take Hooper out on the open water and kill that damn Kintner-kid eating shark! As soon as I get out of this Land Rover. First let me take a minute to appreciate this steering wheel.

    1. This isn’t the dock at some yacht club. This is a dock for cargo. Things get done here. Characters with shady pasts come here and money changes hands. Crates are loaded, and customs agents with good sense look the other way.
      This isn’t a dock for guys wearing Sperry Topsiders to park their Range Rover at and then enjoy a day of sailing. This is grittier and requires a tougher sort of vehicle like the Defender.

  4. It’s not just your imagination! What of the driver? Heavy turtleneck sweater, beard, and glasses. That’s it! It’s Jason on his first model shoot, and now he’s trying to distract us with details!

  5. I think it’s the color choice.

    There’s too much white in the background right behind it, so it doesn’t stand out as much as another color.

    For my money, blue with graded white/gray striping would have looked really good here.

  6. The ad actually goes well with the experience of driving one of these. Maybe the inside of a steel mill would be more appropriate, but a working port scene is pretty close. I was driving my topless 1974 Series 3 yesterday and got it up to about 65 coming down a long hill with a tailwind. It felt like I was reentering the atmosphere in an early space capsule. The clatter of the windows rattling in their frames, the front tire bouncing on the hood, and dash plastic vibrating and creaking away made me smile at what a crude, agricultural, but nearly indestructible vehicle the early Rovers were. I’m going to miss it when it goes on BaT in a few weeks, but I need to make room for another Saab and someone out there with a Lucas tattoo will love it more than I do.

  7. You want.. a word thats the opposite of serene?

    FUCKING HELL!

    THAT dude is dressed to the NINES out of a OSCAR MEYER WEINER CATALOG driving a mint Rover from the 60s as vehicle is perched on a deck of pylons somewhere in the British Kingdom. He is living out his OSCAR MEYER DREAMS of total happiness…

    MEANWHILE,
    I just spent a week tearing apart the front end of my 05 SQUARE BLUE HONDA… cause not only was I embarrassed by the metal on metal noises my car was making:
    When I finally did lift the front end up on jack stands… I found THE OPPOSITE OF SERENE!

    IT was FUCKING HELL!

    Brake pads — non existent.
    Brake CALIPERS and linings– shot (far past an inch of their life)
    Brake ROTORS… shot.

    Spent a good portion… of my week in absolute and total HELL.
    I meet my maker… THOSE DAMN BRAKE ROTOR SCREWS. — FUCK THEM SO HARD THEIR PARENTS BLEED! I drilled the SHIT out of them… then drove myself into depression worrying if I drilled them out too far.

    Then I couldn’t get the BRAKE CALIPERS OFF.. cause DEEZ NUTZ wouldn’t LET GO!

    After some act of GOD… did I get to the ROTORS… (with CALIPERS replaced and lines cautiously KINKED awaiting their fate). They wouldn’t come off.

    Bring in the 10lb SLEDGE.. and bang on it.. with damn near anything I had.

    Then I totally forgot who I was and what my name was — some say David TRACY, but I also noticed a suspiciously quantitus amount of…. that burnt crinkly shit. DONT FUCKING SAY IT. IT WILL HEAR YOU!

    I put it all back together: BRAKE rotors on, brake PADS and shims in, calipers in CORRECTLY.

    Then I forgot my name again.. and couldnt remember how to bleed my brakes. Thankfully.. I got my wife pregnant 7yrs ago.. and my 90T Trailer as I call him.. helped to bleed my brakes by understanding.. what HOLD, PUSH and LIFT meant. Also… do not touch another god damn thing.

    1 WEEK… some say an eternity LATER… my brakes are done.

    THAT.. IS NOT SERENE.

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