Home » Dammit, I Have To Go Back To The Hospital Today: Cold Start

Dammit, I Have To Go Back To The Hospital Today: Cold Start

Cs Cit Ambulance 1
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Look, I don’t want to keep any secrets from you. We’ve been through far, far too much together, haven’t we? We sure have. Anyway, I have two big scars from my aorta-explosion surgery. One is the big center-of-chest, right over the sternum chest-zipper-type scar, and that one seems fine. The other is a smaller incision on my right shoulder, right about at my collarbone, that was used for…something. Honestly I’ve never been really clear what went on in there. They did some grafting of veins or arteries or whatever tubes run in there. For a while after surgery it was kind of inflamed, but then it went down save for a little lump. That lump is now about the size of a ping-pong ball, sorta, and is giving me a low-grade fever.

Anyway, they did an ultrasound on it to see, I suppose, if there were any fetuses in there, and there weren’t, but the medical mechanics decided I should go to the hospital so they can do a CT scan and then, most likely, operate. So I’ll be out for a day or two.

Vidframe Min Top
Vidframe Min Bottom

I’m sure it won’t be too big a deal! I’m not going to the hospital in an ambulance this time, but if I did, I think I’d like it to be one of these Citroën DS ambulances, because, look at it!

Let’s look at that top image again:

Cs Cit Ambulance 1

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Just…just what the hell is that on the stretcher? Is that a baby Arrakeen sandworm that was hit by a bus? Is it a cartoon character’s foot? Why is that there instead of a human? I’m so baffled. It’s not like they couldn’t get actual people to be carried on stretchers for their brochures. Look:

Cs Citambulance 2

Look at that poor bastard, smacked on the head and with a broken wrist; this has all the hallmarks of a severe owl attack.

Also, look at that swanky ambulance! All powder-pink and subtle, with curtains and a flag instead of some vulgar lights and sirens!

Cs Citambulance 4

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It’s kind of remarkable just how little was actually done to the DS to convert it into an ambulance. It pretty much just looks like the rear seat was split and a stretcher was slid in. That seems to be about it!

Cs Citambulance 5

Really, this has to be one of the most minimal ambulance conversions I’ve ever seen. It’s a testimony to the excellent packaging and space utilization of the car! And when did little flags stop becoming a standard part of ambulance livery?

Anyway, I’ll be back next week, I’m pretty sure. With hopefully one less inflamed lump in my shoulder and some repaired blood-hoses.

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Canopysaurus
Canopysaurus
1 month ago

Best of luck Torch, we shall miss you in your abscess … er, absence.

Adrian Clarke
Adrian Clarke
1 month ago

So not content with taking away my emergency ER visit thing, he has to go ride in an ambulance again, just to make sure. Fucking Torchinsky man. It’s always gotta be about him.

Crover Gleveland
Crover Gleveland
1 month ago
Reply to  Adrian Clarke

I imagine Adrian’s delivery to sound approximately like this…

https://getyarn.io/yarn-clip/3c31b1b0-8e6c-41e7-af89-f79018f7683b

Best of luck with a routine and boring procedure, Torch

Last edited 1 month ago by Crover Gleveland
Adrian Clarke
Adrian Clarke
1 month ago

Jason: where are you going?
Me: To see if there’s a pub.

Stoney got got (potentially)
Stoney got got (potentially)
1 month ago

The “fun” thing about going back to the hospital on purpose after you’ve already been there involuntarily, is that now it’s no biggie (even if there is some percentage that it might be). It’s sorta like the difference between the first day of school or a new job. At first you have no idea where you are or where to go, but once you have been down that same hallway a few dozen(s) times it becomes so much easier to own the experience. Now, it’s just time to get whatever needs to get done, done the way it needs to get done. No need for all the superficial nonsense stuff like clean underwear and matching socks and all that. 🙂

As far as the stretcher, sure the Ghosen joke is just laying there, but that’s too easy. I wanted to think “more French” about it. At first glance, is it something like a broken tampon? Nah, not considering the seriousness (or rather the complete lack of) the French take to personal hygiene. Is it a cold-packed alligator that is to be used in one of their asinine dishes that are all pretty gross, but the pretentious go gaga over? Hmm, maybe?

At the end of the day, it’s impossible to predict what those fancy Frogs are up to, so I’m just gonna settle on that it has something to do with Gérard Depardieu and move on with my day. That’s probably for the best.

Have fun at the CT scan! The bonus it that while the machine is making all those “Whomp, Whomp, bhezzz, bhezz” noises, you get to pretend that you are at some wacky Berlin nightclub where they have giraffes on trapezes and shit.

also: Remember that if you don’t ask for Schedule I meds, you’ll never get Schedule I drugs. You miss all the shots you don’t take, so fire away!

Arrest-me Red
Arrest-me Red
1 month ago

My CT scan this week was three hours of prep for 10 minutes of scan. The contrast dye made me pee like a race horse, all down the my leg in plain view.

Also once they brought in the ER tech to replace Nurse McStabby, that part went well.

Stoney got got (potentially)
Stoney got got (potentially)
1 month ago
Reply to  Arrest-me Red

I used to live damn close to one of those “schools” that people go to get “certified” to jab people at hospitals/home health care. It’s a pretty frightening industry that is full of more fraud and malpractice than the substance abuse “rehab” industry. And, THAT industry is in Jerry Falwell territory on its own.

Getting a blood draw or any other type of needlework done can be, and often is, the most painful part of anything medical. Glad yours eventually went well!

RidesBicyclesButLovesCars
RidesBicyclesButLovesCars
1 month ago

My aunt became a phlebotomist because she liked making people bleed. That field attracts the odd ones.

Argentine Utop
Argentine Utop
1 month ago

Could you please elaborate?

Arrest-me Red
Arrest-me Red
1 month ago

Hydrazine helps 🙂

Highland Green Miata
Highland Green Miata
1 month ago

I love how they guy in the cutaway illustration/photo looks like he’s dressed to be interchangeable with the next photo shoot where the DS is used as a milk delivery float and he’s the milkman.

Jakob K's Garage
Jakob K's Garage
1 month ago

Kind of strange to make an ambulance out of a car, where you’d have to wait for it to rise, before you drove hastily off?

(Yes I own one of these – luckily “just” the regular four door beautiful one – and you absolutely CAN rip off most of the exhaust system if you tak off too soon..)

On the other hand, it’s from the century, where you just left fossil fueled machines idling all day, so they probably just did that 😉

-And god speed JT! Well be here, when you get back, so just take all the time you need 🙂

Last edited 1 month ago by Jakob K's Garage
CSRoad
CSRoad
1 month ago

Way back when I was a kid my father wanted to buy a Citroen Safari for my mother to scoot us kids around in England. She refused and said it looked like a French herse.
Now back to the ping pong ball thing, obviously not an egg. What are the chances it is a ping pong ball just working its way to the high point of your shoulder? You have no idea what games were played while you were unconscious.
Anyway best of luck with it and let us know how it bounces.

UnseenCat
UnseenCat
1 month ago

It’s kind of remarkable just how little was actually done to the DS to convert it into an ambulance. It pretty much just looks like the rear seat was split and a stretcher was slid in. That seems to be about it!

Ah, the classic “meat wagon” ambulances of the mid-20th century. That’s about all they were — a spot to slide the hapless casualty in on a stretcher, and enough supplies to administer first aid and hopefully stabilize the patient long enough to get to the hospital. But nothing like the rolling initial-trauma-care facilities we have today.

Max
Max
1 month ago

Good luck with your procedure—that is utterly no fun to have a second one, but we’re thinking of you, and we’ll be here when you’re back!

And I’m not sure about that pink color for an ambulance, but gosh, I wish regular cars today came in that color.

Frank Wrench
Frank Wrench
1 month ago

Hope it all goes well, Torch. Man, I’d feign illness just to get a ride in that DS ambulance!

Grey alien in a beige sedan
Grey alien in a beige sedan
1 month ago

Torch has a cyst filled with mustard on the shoulder and a hamburger in one hand. Sounds like two great tastes that taste great together.

Horizontally Opposed
Horizontally Opposed
1 month ago

Be well, go take that baby alien out and tell us everything!

J Terran
J Terran
1 month ago

May the blessings of the Flying Spaghetti Monster be upon you and may FSM shine its healing torch upon you!

Hangover Grenade
Hangover Grenade
1 month ago

The way the hatch opens is amazing.

Nlpnt
Nlpnt
1 month ago

May the luck that was with you in the flying Beetle be with you today, Torch.

Was this DS ambulance being proposed by Citroen itself, or a third-party converter? At the time (late ’50s/early ’60s) a company called Amblewagon was doing something similar on big American station wagons. They did get a light and sirens, and usually red-cross-and speedlines decals on the quarter windows, but the principle was the same, a “scoop and run” ambulance at much lower cost than the ’50s norm (in America) of a coachbuilt body on a Cadillac Series 75 chassis.

Luxobarge
Luxobarge
1 month ago

Just…just what the hell is that on the stretcher?

Ah. I believe that attendant in the back is actually the Greek fertility god Priapus. One look at this picture and you’ll see why he needs a stretcher in front of him.

Oh, those French!

Last edited 1 month ago by Luxobarge
Amberturnsignalsarebetter
Amberturnsignalsarebetter
1 month ago
Reply to  Luxobarge

Surely it should be a goddess (déesse)?

My money would be on Gefjun, the Danish goddess of ploughing – Monsieur Citroën was originally from the Netherlands (which is sort-of-near Denmark), and 2CVs were designed to drive across ploughed fields, so I can’t imagine her escorting casualties in any other brand of ambulance.

Michael Beranek
Michael Beranek
1 month ago

Take care and be well, Torch. We’re all with you.

Zipn Zipn
Zipn Zipn
1 month ago

I’ve a similar scar over my left collarbone. IV port from chemo. They left the port-o-catch in it for a year after then finally removed it. Think of it as a transmission filler tube. Best of luck… hopefully it’s a minor issue but be sure you ask for the full synthetic when they do the refill.

Geoff Buchholz
Geoff Buchholz
1 month ago
Reply to  Zipn Zipn

I wondered if it was left over from a PICC line. Good luck Torch!

Flyingstitch
Flyingstitch
1 month ago

It looks like a giant cartoon foot in a cast. Maybe a little cheeky humor in the marketing? Also, the ambulance driver looks straight out of a light 1960ish comedy. Just something about the tilt of the head and the facial expression, like he’s posing as an ambulance driver in pursuit of some madcap caper to smuggle the “patient” into the hospital.

Needless to say, all the best to you, Torch. We need our taillight content, and no one else can provide it.

Drew
Drew
1 month ago

Anyway, they did an ultrasound on it to see, I suppose, if there were any fetuses in there, and there weren’t, but the medical mechanics decided I should go to the hospital so they can do a CT scan and then, most likely, operate.

Are they inserting a fetus? Was the concern that you had a fetal tissue deficiency?

Hope it goes well and you heal up quickly.

Vetatur Fumare
Vetatur Fumare
1 month ago

Best of luck, I have all my fingers crossed.

Icouldntfindaclevername
Icouldntfindaclevername
1 month ago

Good luck, and get well soon.

Rafael
Rafael
1 month ago

Hey, I’ve just gotten out from hospital due to a tonsillitis. The thing wasn’t serious, but wasn’t responding to antibiotics, so I took it IV for a few days.

They keep saying “we’ll release you tomorrow” but never did, so on the fifth day I went for a stroll, took my car and visited my wife, IV access in the arm and all.

Driving with that thing in my arm was way more difficult than what I would’ve imagined, what with all the bending you need in order to turn the wheel…

No point on this story, other than that after a certain age, every time someone share a health episode with you, you have plenty to share back (and a strange compulsion to do so, it seems).

I wish you a speedy recovery, Torch!

Last edited 1 month ago by Rafael
Piston Slap Yo Mama
Piston Slap Yo Mama
1 month ago

Hopefully this doesn’t turn out like my automotive surgeries where I go in to do one task and then think “hey while I’m in here I can also fix / improve / change X things” and before I know it, scope creep has set in and my car’s on jack stands for an entire year.

Godspeed to you our sweet, delicate autojourno scribe: you’ll be a-okay.

Totally not a robot
Totally not a robot
1 month ago

I hope Torch doesn’t get stuck on jack stands for a year.

IRegertNothing, Esq.
IRegertNothing, Esq.
1 month ago

I know it sucks, but you definitely want to get that checked out. They might have used that incision for central blood line access. The upper chest/shoulder area is commonly used to put in things like ports and PICC lines for administering medication.

I can’t decide if that top image shows an ambulance recovering a person who went into rigor mortis while in a recliner or if the crew is disposing of a broken punching bag on their time off.

Thebloody_shitposter
Thebloody_shitposter
1 month ago

Good luck and get well soon! Still no idea what happened to the Torchbug…
Maybe we replace it with a Torchabulance.

https://i.etsystatic.com/14603282/r/il/70d4f3/4016985198/il_fullxfull.4016985198_ix28.jpg

Last edited 1 month ago by Thebloody_shitposter
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