I have never owned a hearse. I’m far too normcore to be that guy. I’m not even being judgmental. If you can pull off a hearse, you know, good for you. I’m as dark as a summer day in Greenland. I can pull off a Volvo wagon. I’m not sure I could pull off this Mustang Mach-E-based “Etive” hearse from the UK’s biggest hearsemaker, but I’d maybe give it a shot. This thing looks great.
Coleman Milne is a big deal when it comes to hearses in the United Kingdom, making more deceasedmobiles and limos than anyone else in the country. I know the UK is a small place, relatively speaking, but people have been dying there for thousands of years. Shakespeare died there!
And an electric hearse is a sensible idea. Not only do hearses drive slowly over prescribed routes that don’t require long ranges, they are also most often used in scenarios when being quiet and peaceful is generally considered a positive. (I know it’s hard to believe, but not everybody wants sick GT500 burnouts in the parking lot for a final sendoff.) A Mustang Mach-E is an affordable, attractive choice and making it longer somehow accentuates the crossover’s bodyline in a way I find pleasing to the eye.
This is designed in the British style of hearses, which has a gigantic aquarium-style “deck” in the back to show the casket off like it’s a Maisto model of a Shelby Cobra. They call it the “Etive,” which I took to be some sort of terrible portmanteau, but it’s actually a river in Scotland.
“We have long championed the electric hearse at Coleman Milne,” said Graham Clow, National Sales Director at Coleman Milne, “and we’re proud to welcome the Etive hearse and limousine as the latest additions to our range. The excellent, longstanding relationship that we have with Ford enabled us to model the range on its Mach-E platform. The Mach-E is the perfect base for a comfortable, quiet and respectful hearse and limousine, while also providing funeral directors with all the benefits and innovations found in today’s electric vehicles.”
Those “benefits” include the usual fast charging you’d get with a modern EV, as well advanced driver-assistance systems like lane-keeping and collision warnings. Safety is important with a hearse so you avoid the ironic fate of dying in one.
I dropped this in slack this morning and our own Adrian Clarke, who is double qualified as a car designer and a goth immediately shat on it:
I hope to never need a British hearse because that means I didn’t die as I intended: Having a heart attack while blasting down the Mulsanne Straight in a vintage Mazda 787 rotary in the Le Mans Classic. Who is right here? Boring dad or skinny goth?
My favorite factoid from the company’s press release is that it’s going to undergo 40,000 miles of testing because that means someone’s gotta drive this thing around all day to validate it, presumably in the slow lane going 15 mph under the speed limit. They even included a very slow tracking shot of it driving through a cemetery so you get the idea.
Photos: Coleman Milne