The sounds of a great British summer – the gentle thwack of leather and willow (cricket, you utter perverts), squawking shitehawks (seagulls) dive bombing the seafront for fresh chips, the thump of pasty Brits hitting the dirt as they pass out from the lack of air conditioning, which we don’t have because the EU banned it and we’re too poor or something – surround me. Oh, and then there’s the gasping wheeze of thousands of unremarkable shit boxes heaving themselves onto the lawn of a castle for the only event they can actually get into.
One of the highlights of the British car show summer is the annual Festival of the Unexceptional, organized by our friends at Hagerty. It’s the equivalent to your Concours D’Lemons, but with more British self-deprecating humor and less Jason Torchinsky. A huge celebration of the most mediocre cars to ever soil the tarmac during the seventies, eighties and nineties, if Generation X-ers like me ever shed our apathy long enough to organize a car show, FOTU (to use its accepted internet-friendly abbreviation) would be it.
Staged on the vast front lawn of Grimsthorpe Castle (nominative determinism in action), this year’s event was the biggest yet, attracting visitors and exhibitors from all over Europe. I didn’t make it last year because on the morning of the event, our Rodius presented me with a flat tire as a ‘fuck you’ and by that time I had had enough of the bloody thing, so I threw up my hands and went back to bed.
This year was the maiden outing for my new car, which had been in my possession for precisely one week. Now, you might suggest that neither your humble author nor an eighties high-performance Euro Ford fit the definition of unexceptional, and I would agree. But only entrants picked for judging in the Concours d’Ordinaire are strictly curated under the unexceptional banner, with the main display area being for ‘classic’ and unexceptional cars. However, trombone engine map Subarus and vaping VAG group products trying to pass themselves off as classics are silently marshalled into the modern car park, out of sight and out of mind. Without further ado then, let us celebrate some utter automotive gruel.
1986 Citroen Axel
It’s not often I come across a car that completely befuddles me. I spent ten minutes walking around this alternately convincing myself it was an AX and then oh no it’s a Visa, and actually it IS an AX, and hang on, what the fucking hell is this thing, Schrodinger’s Citroen? Nope, actually it’s a Citroen Axel – a French rebadge of an earlier abandoned project they had fobbed of on the Romanians, where it was sold as the Oltcit Cub. Because the Communists couldn’t pay up, Citroen tried to recoup their money by importing the Cub back to Europe as the Axel, although it wasn’t sold in the UK.
The simple and rugged Axel sat underneath the ageing Visa in the Citroen range, using air-cooled flat twins from the Dyane and fours from the GSA. It had disc brakes all round which they didn’t need, and bigger-engined versions had a five-speed gearbox, which they definitely did. Just look at that dashboard and tell me it wasn’t designed by someone roaringly drunk on Pernod. The switches on the top of the binnacle you reach by putting your hand through the wheel are a particular joy, if you like having your wrist broken as the steering unwinds. The gap between the rear bumper and quarter panel looks like something you could drive a May Day tank parade through as well. Notice the license plate? It’s from the Netherlands, a country known for its lack of hills. I bet the Axel still gets overtaken by cyclists.
1999 Skoda Felicia Fun
We used to laugh at seventies and eighties Skodas with their side flapping frunk lids and ass-mounted engines, but the Velvet Revolution (saw them open for The Jesus and Mary Chain at the Borderline in ’91) happened, the former Czechoslovakia cast aside the hammer and sickle, embraced the oily tendrils of Capitalism and the Czech Republic was born A fire sale of state-owned assets began, Western OEMs were courted and Volkswagen was able to swoop in like a vulture and bag 30% of Skoda, on the promise of them maintaining production of the slightly more up-to-date FWD Favorit, introduced in 1987, and VW guaranteeing the future of Czech Republic based Skoda facilities.
In 1994 Volkswagen gave the Favorit a skin job to create the Felicia. Embracing their riches, after a three-day potato salad bender some Skoda engineers looked around the factory, saw a load of Felicia pickup bodies and decided spray painting them yellow and installing a moveable rear partition with a pair of jump seats was a great idea. Thus, the Felicia Fun was born. According to this website, just over 4000 Felicia Funs were built, with some 600 or so making their way to the UK. Gordon Fucking Bennett, we defeated Communism for THIS? Believe it or not, there were actually two of these at FOTU, at one point parked next to each other. That’s two more than I ever hope to see again.
1989 Nissan Sunny Estate & 1990 Sunny Coupe
Over to our ‘I can’t believe this is the same car’ desk now for this pair of appliance-white Nissan Sunnys. Introduced in 1985 the B12 Sunny had rectilinear styling knocked out by one of the Zanussi design team, which had the laughable effect of making a brand-new car look utterly dated the minute it hit the showrooms, troubling in important export markets like the UK, where Nissan was scrabbling to get a foothold.
If modern life was a bit too exciting for you in 1989, a cure could be found by putting the Sunny Estate on your drive for £8700, and you could earn some of that money back by using it as a minicab in the evenings. The three-door might look rakish, but at the time, Car magazine described the Sunny Coupe as “the world’s worst ‘performance’ coupe.” The version you’d actually want is the 1.8-liter 16-valve model because it was the only one with enough performance to get away from anyone who saw you driving it. It cost a staggering £12,500 pounds, which at the time was more than a BMW 316i. I don’t think the styling was Nissan’s only problem.
Vauxhall Viva/Firenza
I’m going to put down the snark for this one because from a 2026 viewpoint the Viva tells a slightly melancholic story that could be seen as the beginning of the end. Launched in 1970 as a heavy re-skin of the existing Viva HB, the HC was the last Vauxhall designed and engineered entirely in the UK. After the HC Viva Vauxhalls became restyled Opels or based on GM world car platforms like the T-Car and J-Car. The Viva was analogous to Ford’s all conquering Escort – a small RWD sedan available with a wide spread of trim and engines. You can see a heavy Detroit influence in the Viva’s exterior – inside, early versions even had a ribbon speedometer. Plusher and more powerful versions were named Magnum, and the two-door coupe badged Firenza. This wide range mirrored Ford’s approach and likewise made the HC Viva a strong seller, with some 600,000 sold in nine years on sale.
This Jamaica Yellow is a very late car; the V suffix means a registration date between August 1979 and July 1980. It’s owned by the British Motor Museum at Gaydon. The silver Firenza is from 1975, the final year the two-door was on sale. Officially known as the HP (High Performance) Firenza, and colloquially called the ‘droop snoot,’ it had a 2.3 four with twin carbs and a five-speed gearbox. Despite the best efforts of Gerry Marshall ragging a racing version around British circuits like he was late for opening time at the bar, the Firenza HP never had anything like the sporting credibility of the equivalent Escort. It launched at exactly the wrong time, and only 204 were built. Nowadays, few of any version of the Viva survive, and parts are rare and expensive – giving the Escort a final victory in death.
1983 Renault 30
Mon Dieu! Une grosse berline française qui n’est pas une Citroën? Plop a Johnny Halliday cassette into the stereo and treat your mistress or girlfriend (or both) to a comfortable ride they’ll never forget. Launched in 1975, the upscale Renault 30 was one of the first of the breed of the large Euro super hatch. Its two most notable achievements are the introduction of the PRV (Peugeot Renault Volvo) V6 and rust. A more modest version, the 20, came along a few months later, distinguished by its single rectangular headlights.
I have mentioned before my bastard stepfather was a part-time curbside cowboy. One of his regular punters had one of these, and he joked that working on it come MOT time paid for our family holiday every year. Even in the mid-eighties, getting parts for these was a nightmare. When he sent me to our local parts place (I was his unpaid gopher), they said “A Renault? Sorry we’re closed!” and proceeded to laugh in my face. Sometimes I wonder if I was one wrong set of brake pads away from a life of serial killing. It’s a miracle I turned out as well adjusted as I did, frankly.
Right, there’s a lot of other stuff to get through, and I want to wrap this up as I’ve been writing it for three days. Let’s get on with the photo dump, which I’ve put into half-assed categories.
The American Mind Cannot Comprehend etc.
1999 Volkswagen Lupo
1991 Mazda 323F SE Executive. Alright, calm down, it’s just a fucking 323 with pop-up lights.
1989 Honda Accord Aerodeck
1977 DAF 45. Goes as fast backwards as it does forwards, i.e., not very. Also, don’t drive through any puddles.
Nineties Convertibles That Are Not Miatas.
1993 Rover 200
Suzuki Vitara
1996 Fiat Punto convertible. Those stickers are making the appalling three-quarter blind spots even worse. Well done.
More French Fancies
1979 Matra Rancho. When they weren’t building missiles, Matra used to build cars for other French OEMs.
1985 Renault Espace. Also built by Matra.
1998 Peugeot 406. The greatest mass market Euro sedan ever made. I will not be taking questions.
1973 Renault 15TS. Possibly the slowest mass market Euro performance coupe ever made.
The Section To Make Andrea Faint
1982 Fiat 127. Late version of the revolutionary FWD hatch.
1995 Alfa Romeo 155 in goth spec.
2000 Fiat Seicento. A reskin of the earlier Cinquecento.
Lancia Thesis. Never sold in the UK. Another one that had made the trip from Holland.
Fast Euro Fords To Make Matt Faint
1987 Escort RS Turbo. Most of these ended up wrecked or stolen.
1989 Fiesta XR2i. Non-standard wheels are the crime here.
Actually, I Take Those Back. Where Is MY Limo And Podcast, Matt?
1992 Eagle Quest. We all know who this belongs to.
Some Base Euro Fords For Matt Instead.
1987 Fiesta MkII
1992 Escort MkV
Look How They Massacred My Boy
1983, 1985 and 1992 Ford Sierras.
A long time ago, I wrote about how Ford was forced to unwind the Sierra’s austere design during its lifetime. Although the red car is a Base (yes, it was really called that and my god the owner has a website about it), I took these pictures to demonstrate my point.
The Pinnacle of European Luxury Motoring And The Greatest Car Ever Made
1981 Ford Capri 2.8 injection and 1985 Ford Granada 2.8 injection Ghia. Rate my two-car garage, although only one of them is actually mine. Take a wild guess which.
As usual, I’ve written this in my inimitable manner, but I hope you all know me well enough by now to know I mock because I care. I loved all these cars, and it was a privilege to be able to spend a day amongst them. Some of them came from a long way away, which I think is an impressive tribute to both owners and vehicles.
Not as impressive as me getting my new car to attend, mind you, but that’s a story for next time.
All photos: Adrian Clarke
The Fun, which really should have been FUN!, looks really fun. That is the what Slate should have offered, though I’m not sure where those seats live when you close the midgate as there doesn’t seem to be enough room with where the front seats are positioned. Add an accordion boot and it could be all weather compatible too.
I think they are jump seats that flip up. There was a wet weather tonneau cover for the rear seats apparently.
I did go down that rabbit hole and found someone sold one on BAT a few years ago and it included a video of them deploying the extra seats. https://bringatrailer.com/listing/2000-skoda-felicia-fun/ Someone sure went to a lot of work to suck the Fun color out of that one and make it boring white.
This is peak autopian car show, look at those cars. What a dream!
That’s my Son’s Lupo!
Infamy at last!
The Honda Aerodecks were pinnacle coupe styling.
Came to comment on the Aerodeck….
Adding nothing to your comment.
Barf, Barf…
Bucket List car show for this Yank! nice acerbic observations much enjoyed.
I keep meaning to go to this, then forget when it’s on.
Do you think they’d let me in with my rebadged failed Proton project based on a Vauxhall? It’s the worst version of everyone’s least favourite Lotus.
It’s certainly a lot more unexceptional than that terrible yet rare Citroen.
There’s no curation apart from the Concours, which you have to apply for.
Although non-classics will be silently sent to the modern car park if they try to get in to the show parking.
Worth a try then. Being silently judged as not good enough is already a daily occurrence for me.
I was at a show thing a couple of months ago, and they’ve asked me back to their 1940’s/50’s/60’s event, presumably because no one has a clue what a 2007 Europa actually is.
Loved the article and your tasty, tart observations
Ordinary autos are what the masses (me included) drive. Can’t say there’s a compelling reason to maintain a pristine US Ford Tempo for tomorrow, as car companies shouldn’t need to be reminded what -not- to do.
And, OK, I’m not mad for only getting a teaser note about the Capri, and not the full Monty about it. . Frustrated, but not mad.
Great to know a ‘How and Why I Chose to Replace My Ferrari With A Ford Capri’ missive will soon land. Guessing a bit of snark will still permeate the prose (I hope!).
Cheers!
Too late, I stole the Capri last night, finished changing the VIN numbers from a parts car this morning, the windshield will be install on Monday and will get it MOT & registered by next weekend…
My second car was a 1974 2-door HC Viva, with the crappy 1156cc engine, and it was a pile of early ’60s Pommie garbage wrapped up in a ’70s body. Got rid of it after six months and bought a 1982 Nissan B310 Sunny, which was better in every single way.
The Citroen Axel should not have been on that show,that was indeed fucking exceptional. Congratulations on the Capri Adrian,that is a good looking car.
The Axel was actually in the concours, so the judges deemed it unexceptional enough to be included.
I do think FOTU has lost a bit of it’s charm – I talked to a few media mates and they agreed this year felt a bit less ‘curated’ – but to be fair there’s only so many of these sorts of cars lefts so they need to encourage fresh metal to prevent it getting stale.
Several observations:
1) God, I love a 406 and 406 Coupe. I immediately did a search and couldn’t find any for sale.
2) Is that 155 V6 an average car? Maybe it’s my love of the red DTM car with the quad, upturned exhausts speaking.
3) The Granada has reminded me of the early days viral hit that was the Granada with Koenigsegg engine swap.
One of my ‘friends’ had a 406 Coupe, and the bastard never let me know when he sold it 🙁
I’m going to call it the “thinking person’s Ferrari” just to annoy Adrian.
When I saw that Citroen, the first thing I thought was, “Oh look, a Chevette! How did that get to England?” No, it’s not, but the exterior has strong Chevette vibes.
My best friend in high school drove a Chevette, and it was definitely a car. We called it “The Vette” which really irritated both of our fathers, so we kept doing it.
We did get the Chevette as a Vauxhall. Of course being GM it had different sheet metal but it was the same T-Car underneath.
Hey, don’t knock the 323! Those were brilliant!
Congrats on the Capri! I haven’t even seen one in years, but it’s the first car I remember as my mother had a blue 1600 manual until I was 4 and I’ve liked them since.
A show like this is about the only kind I’d be interested in now. I used to love the different country lawn events at Lars Anderson, but stopped going when the interesting stuff owned by interested people got largely crowded out by a sea of ugly new crap and their overcompensating wallet-swinger owners.