I have a lot of ideas that have been praised by media critics as “sub-moronic” and “insipid wastes of the human spirit.” A former member of the Pulitzer committee once even honored me by fake vomiting when I entered a dinner party, but did so with such enthusiasm and vigor that it turned into real vomit within seconds, completely re-coloring my ivory Sansabelt slacks into something that resembled a casino carpet. That’s just a taste of how respected I am in literary circles, which is where I found the confidence to present to you my new series that I may forget about after this post, Objects That Remind Me Of Cars. What’s this series about? It’s about things I see that somehow remind me of a car, and then I draw over the object the car that was conjured up! It’s what people come to respected automotive publications like this one to see!
This time, the object was a rectangular slab of ice cream on a wooden stick, covered in a lot of little aquarium-gravel like edible thingies that I don’t really know much about. I think officially these are known as Blue Bunny Chocolate Eclair Bars, but around our house we’ve come to call these (and their strawberry variants) “sparkle bars,” for reasons lost to time.
Anyway, this was the moment in time when I paused my ravenous eating and looked, really looked, at the sparkle bar. This is what I saw:
Something about that cross-section of ice cream bar, poking out in the middle due to the internal wooden stick, reminded me of a whole host of cars of the early 1970s, when a certain kind of owl-like beak was popular.
This was primarily an American phenomenon though not exclusively. The amazing, air-cooled Honda 1300 comes to mind:
Anyway, you get the idea. Something about that ice cream bar really reminded me of these sorts of front ends, so here’s what this object feels like to me, as a car:
Some big, owl-beaked American sedan. I’m thinking of the white part there as the chrome grille bezel, and the interior chocolate as the grille itself. The innermost of those dual headlamps would be integrated into the grille bezel, maybe.
Man, I feel better for having showed all of you this! Now you can enjoy your weekends, secure in the knowledge of what general sort of car a particular half-eaten ice cream bar looks like to me!
If any of you have pictures of objects that remind you of cars, send them in, and I’ll see if I can quickly sketch The Car Within! Why not?
Pizza Hut Unwittingly Designed A Cool ’80s Sport Coupé: Cold Start
Cold Start: Soft Serve
There Was A Real Car Company Called ‘American Chocolate’ And It Was More Influential Than I Ever Imagined
In college I knew a girl that would point out various seemingly random objects and say “is it just me or does that remind you of sex?”
Jason, I think it’s just you.
Sounds like a thinly-veiled proposition to me. I won’t ask if you took her up on it though. This is a family site after all. 🙂
What would you do for a 1968 Chrysler 300 ice cream bar?
The first thing I thought of when I saw/read the photo was cutaway of a Porsche flat-12. Too literal?
Can someone at the Autopian please check in on Jason. It appears that he may have gone “around the bend”. Ice cream and car bumpers?
Na. Jason has a supply of the Really Good Stuff…
1 million percent a ’69 LeMans
https://hips.hearstapps.com/autoweek/assets/s3fs-public/1969%252520Pontiac%252520LeMans%252520Magazine%252520Advertisement%252520-%252520Car.jpg
It WAS a car once. It was a 70’s Ford LTD scale metal model made by Corgi that was exposed to New England road salt, which completely explains the sparkles of corrosion and sand.
Edsel
You sir are one of the most twisted and bent personalities I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. I salute you and promise not to vomit on your slacks. Glad to see you are on the mend.
Yeah, I saw a beak-style fascia in that photo before I clicked the article. Is that like the litmus test for true Autopians or something? Do I get a special Saggy Seat Covers-tier subscription?
I believe that’s a Willys bar. ’56 Jeep Willys that is.
73 grand am
Sure.
I see it…
Looks like a head gasket job to me.
Maybe an entire engine overhaul.
ICE cream is never a good sign.
Somehow coolant is making its way into the engines oil…
When I saw it, I thought “Mercury Cyclone.” I was very close. Well done, Torch!
There was a screw pattern and bezel on my dentist’s adjustable light fixture that reminded me very much of the grille and headlights of a Matra-Simca Rancho.
1970 Mercury Montego MX
This is how you know Sally picked up Jason’s Norco Rx refill today.
This reminds me of the things-that-look-like-goatse project. Google it at your own peril.
Yeah, this strikes me as a passive aggressive means to remind your wife what you want her to bring home from the store.
Maybe if you squint, but would you rather drive a car made out of ice cream bars or an aquarium?
Every time I see an older-style foil electric razor, I think mid-60s original Dodge Charger, or maybe Mercury Cougar.
And I think the ’70s Cougar even had a beaky front end, but I bet Tim will chime in for sure.
Fun fact: the Hershey-branded version of that ice cream item is called a Scooter Crunch, which sounds like a mishap on a mild two-wheeler.
With that in mind, think about an early 1960s Vespa that has had the front suspension and wheel removed. If you turn the Vespa 90 degrees, the nose also resembles the partially-eaten treat in the topshot.
Viz: https://i.ytimg.com/vi/lT-DzFQ4XW4/maxresdefault.jpg
we’re all witnessing the first time, and, if i know this crowd well, the absolute very last time a solicitation for photos is made.
Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar..or maybe it’s a Morgan three wheeler!
We need a video of Jason singing “Everything Reminds Me Of A Car” to the tune of Jane Siberry’s “Everything Reminds Me Of My Dog“
You must be a Canadian from Toronto? In my experience, very few people outside Toronto have heard of Jane Siberry.
The Crow soundtrack would like a word.
Wow “least likely performer to appear on the Crow soundtrack” award goes to…
I was the target audience so it’s difficult to say whether it was GOOD, but there’s a neat write-up here if you’re curious. Suffice to say I’ve never heard of her before or since, but “It Can’t Rain All the Time” definitely burned Jane Siberry into my brain. Thanks for linking, I know what I’ll be rabbit-holing today.
I have three of her albums. Not sure how I first encountered her music, but I was an instant fan. I think maybe it was in the film “Pay It Forward,” an otherwise forgettable movie.
I think I encountered her music in college in Philadelphia in the 1990s. The University of Pennsylvania radio station WXPN played a lot of that sort of music. Over The Rhine, John Wesley Harding, Ten Thousand Maniacs, Texas, etc.
XPN was a very professionally run, slick radio station despite being associated with a university. In fact one of the DJs there at the time had previously worked in Hartford at commercial station WHCN.
Dr Demento
I have. Community radio! KVMR in little old Nevada City CA. They have an online version, actually two. Just about any music of any era of any type can be heard there. KVMR.org
Everything’s a drum!
I was not aware that chocolate ice cream bars were available as a THC edible.
Well, there is a reason why he calls it a “Sparkle Bar” 😉
Dude… those would sell! Or maybe not. You want the ice cream after you get the munchies. Maybe a bundle package.
A remarkable range of products are available. Canned THC seltzers, THC flavor drops for other drinks, THC hot chocolate mix, etc.
Hello! 1970 Ford Thunderbird has entered the chat!
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ivuPYFKIpJA/UPeGMVCObqI/AAAAAAAAIZU/AOCW8Bb_LvA/s1600/1.jpg