Home » Oh Good, Porsche Has $400 Driving Pants: Cold Start

Oh Good, Porsche Has $400 Driving Pants: Cold Start

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Here’s a situation we’ve all been in: you’re driving, actively, and all of a sudden your pants just fail you, clearly not up to the active driving task, de-pantsing themselves into hundreds of trouser-shards, sending you spiraling off the road, probably over a cliff or into a ravine or something. Pants are the weak link in any driver’s arsenal, the first crucial element to go when things get tough. But what can you do? Well, if you have $400, you can go to Porsche, and they’ll send you a pair of Active Driving Trousers, which I can only assume are the only pants available that are truly able to handle seriously active driving. Man, I bet these pants have some really good action!

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Just look at these pants! Streamlined, sleek, having both belt loops and a drawstring for maximum security! Why I bet these pants are capable of taking you on a wet track in an old, tail-heavy Porsche 356, and you’ve just eaten a massive meal of chili and pound cake, so when you inevitably spin out and feel your bowels release in fear, the pants can be filled to the point where they are taut as snare drums, seams straining but with the full confidence that there will be no chance of those pants becoming compromised.

These are active driving trousers, people, not the bullshit $50 passive driving trousers you wear, like some sort of chump!

These pants aren’t just pants, they’re partners, active partners in your driving adventure! You’ll come to rely on their counsel far more than any living human! These trousers are you co-drivers (well, co-driver, but “trousers” and “pants” are plural even though they’re referring to a singular thing, so the construction is confusing) and you need to treat them with the respect that position affords.

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My lord, what a world we live in, when for the cost of a nice 65″ flat-screen television you can be the proud owner of pants designed for active driving! You’re definitely not a dumbass who spent way too much on glorified sweatpants if you buy these, that’s for sure! They’re Porsche pants!

Active driving pants. Oy.

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Thomas Metcalf
Thomas Metcalf
26 days ago

Wait a minute! Are we supposed to be wearing pants WHILE DRIVING? Is that why folks look at me funny when I depants myself before getting in the car? WHY HAS NOBODY TOLD ME THIS!?

Captain Muppet
Captain Muppet
27 days ago

Those active driving trousers cost more than my actual motorsport-approved fireproof racing suit!

I wonder if Porsche, as is tradition, will charge more for a club sport trouser that has the pockets sewn up, cut off and thrown away for less weight?

The GT3 trouser is just a pair of Speedos with a Porsche badge over the front, but for twice as much money.

Cuzn Ed
Cuzn Ed
27 days ago

Damn and blast it, Jeeves! I wanted to go for a drive today! How can you stand there and tell me that my driving trousers are still in the wash??

Masterbuilder
Masterbuilder
29 days ago
Harvey Park
Harvey Park
29 days ago
Reply to  Masterbuilder

Dude, no.

Phantom Pedal Syndrome
Phantom Pedal Syndrome
29 days ago

Hints of a new automotive would you rather are strewn about here.
Yes I’d rather.
But I’ll happily take the hints in the interim.

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