Home » Oh My, It Looks Like We Really Did Spend Three Hours Debating The Hamburglar And Still Somehow Screwed Up The Story – Tales From The Slack

Oh My, It Looks Like We Really Did Spend Three Hours Debating The Hamburglar And Still Somehow Screwed Up The Story – Tales From The Slack

Slack Tales Hamburglar
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Howdy y’all! Today is the last day of our big Autopian Cloth For $4 A Month Sale, mostly because I forgot to end it. If you’re into that sort of thing now is your chance to get it so you can read this post about ::checks notes:: the Hamburglar.

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Ben
Ben
1 month ago

You know, I feel like a similar conversation once happened at the old site, except in that case they unironically posted that asinine article trying to explain how train thieves were really the victims here. Somehow making it about the Hamburglar actually allows it to make more sense, which is not something I ever expected to write. 🙂

Phantom Pedal Syndrome
Phantom Pedal Syndrome
1 month ago

I have it on good authority that the Hamburgler is paid well for his shenanigans.
He’s an inside man, employed by McDonald’s, paid under the table.
He (actually they) is hired to tail health inspectors.
In the event that one visits a poorly managed McDonald’s his (their) duty is to interfere with the inspection in the most confounding way possible.
He (they) must be seen as an outsider.
A random thief causing chaos the instant said health inspector walks into the establishment.

“Inspection? Did you see what that masked man just did? He destroyed the place. It’s gonna take us a few days to clean up before we are operational again.”

An elite Hamburgler can cause such a burger stealing scene that nobody notices his true intent of hiding all the makings of the McRib as he escapes, decoy burgers in hand.

Trust me. I know the truth.
I was a Hamburgler.
I now live in fear for speaking out about it.

Every knock on my door, every stop light where a car cuts in front of me and blocks me in…
Every stranger that gets too close to me in public…
I’m just biding my time in this world.

Waiting for the Grim Ace to shuffle my soul across the golden arched bridge over the river Styx.

JurassicComanche25
JurassicComanche25
1 month ago

So is Hamburglar like batman, but does crime instead of fights it, and steals hamburgers instead of… well, actually that sounds like something a E-list batman villain would do.

AssMatt
AssMatt
1 month ago

They’re almost ALL E-list!

A. Barth
A. Barth
1 month ago

What’s stuck in my head now is a mashup of Jason’s revision of the word ‘Hamburgler’ with the Simpsons episode where Homer joins the Navy.

“Burg-u-lar. It’s pronounced Burg-u-lar.”

Trust Doesn't Rust
Trust Doesn't Rust
1 month ago

Am I the only one assuming Adrian was absolutely fired from his gig at McDonald’s? I’m going out on a limb here to say it was related to sardonic customer service and a liberal definition of “punctual”.

Adrian Clarke
Adrian Clarke
1 month ago

The very qualities that got me hired at the Autopian.

IRegertNothing, Esq.
IRegertNothing, Esq.
1 month ago

Seeing how people in those sort of jobs get treated by customers, I can’t blame them for becoming jaded at work. I had my share of bad customer encounters working at a clinic, but the pay was decent and my family had health insurance.

Adrian Clarke
Adrian Clarke
1 month ago

I worked there 90-96. It was a different time.McDonald’s took customer service (along with a lot of other things) very seriously, and the majority of customers weren’t the entitled spoilt toddlers they are today. I ended up assistant store manager.

IRegertNothing, Esq.
IRegertNothing, Esq.
1 month ago
Reply to  Adrian Clarke

Glad that you were there before the era of people going viral. And I meant no offense with my earlier joke about what the Hamburgler does with his loot, it was another long week at the hospital and we were all openly dropping F bombs and making crude jokes to let some steam off. I can’t tell Aetna to get fucked over the phone no matter how badly I want to.

I respect that The Autopian is a better site than that and I will behave better in the future.

Last edited 1 month ago by IRegertNothing, Esq.
Jack Trade
Jack Trade
1 month ago

Is part of the job being obligated to wear autopian clothing, or, even better, do you just photoshop that on later no doubt against Adrian’s protests?

“I’m not sending you any more freakin’ photos if you keep doing this!”
“Yeah? Next one goes on your hair.”

Last edited 1 month ago by Jack Trade
Adrian Clarke
Adrian Clarke
1 month ago
Reply to  Jack Trade

I wore that specifically for that article. I couldn’t take it off fast enough when I got home because the colours were bringing me out in a rash.

Last edited 1 month ago by Adrian Clarke
IRegertNothing, Esq.
IRegertNothing, Esq.
1 month ago

I’m sticking with my explanation that he fucks those burgers. He doesn’t need money if he can restomod a classic Barracuda, and his ass would be dead if he ate everything he stole. He takes the burgers home, violates them, and puts them back on the warmers.

Adrian Clarke
Adrian Clarke
1 month ago

Jesus what is wrong with you.

My Goat Ate My Homework
My Goat Ate My Homework
1 month ago

Whatever thought process ended in that conclusion must have been a hell of a ride.

IRegertNothing, Esq.
IRegertNothing, Esq.
1 month ago

Criminals are motivated by money, hunger, and perversion. I’ve watched enough TV to know that. This guy doesn’t steal because he needs to. He probably has a steady job and does this on the side. The costume? Not exactly inconspicuous. Now he has a unique car that will be leaving every crime scene. He’s flaunting it.

Cheap Bastard
Cheap Bastard
1 month ago

Criminals are motivated by money, hunger, and perversion. I’ve watched enough TV to know that.

Sigh. Another victim of the CSI effect…

My Goat Ate My Homework
My Goat Ate My Homework
1 month ago

The early version definitely looks the part. He’s a scary looking… whatever he is.

TOSSABL
TOSSABL
1 month ago

Dude, that’s a road we don’t want to go down!

Dave
Dave
1 month ago
Reply to  TOSSABL

Amen!

IRegertNothing, Esq.
IRegertNothing, Esq.
1 month ago
Reply to  TOSSABL

I flew a little, er, a lot off the handle with that one.

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