Home » The Autopian, Your Home For Racy Oysters, Shower Spaghetti, And All Things Ass: COTD

The Autopian, Your Home For Racy Oysters, Shower Spaghetti, And All Things Ass: COTD

Seinfeldassman1
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If you haven’t noticed already, the Autopian is run by a group of people who claim to be adults, but may really be three Peel P50s in a trenchcoat. Poop seems to be a pretty big theme around here from our shitboxes to our morning dumps. After all, one of our first stories was about a fighter pilot using a F/A-18 fighter jet as a toilet, twice. Jason also seems to have a strong fascination with hyphenated asses, perhaps an attraction almost as strong as his love for taillights.

This morning, Jason wrote about the struggles of getting a tiny bulb out of his Nissan Pao: “But the problem is getting that tiny-ass bulb out to replace it is absurdly difficult. So much of car repair is just jamming your hands into tight, awkward areas, and this is a prime example of that. You get to the bulb from behind, but the little lower bulb is behind part of the metal bracket that holds the light in and is an un-removable part of the body, leaving less than an inch to twist the little housing, slide the bulb out, change it, etc.”

Vidframe Min Top
Vidframe Min Bottom

Jason describes the process as an ass-pain. Well, at least some of you have had enough ass on your cars, sparking one bonkers thread this morning:

From Jb996

What’s the likelihood of stopping the use of hyphenated ass-words?

Love the site, love my membership, but this really jolts my senses about the level of article I’m reading. An otherwise reputable industry-leading car site suddenly it feels like a teenager’s blog post.

Try taking them out, and realize that they don’t add any meaning at all.
“getting that tiny-ass bulb out” -> “getting that tiny bulb out”
“what an ass-pain it was” -< “what a pain it was”

Bonus level (removing ass all together):
“it wasn’t a huge pain in the ass for something” -> “it wasn’t a huge pain for something”

A short post with three uses of the word “ass” just seems excessive for a non-fetish site.
Well, not that type of fetish anyway. Headlight/taillight fetishes seem to be appropriate.

Jason:

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but I love ass

Then Ted Fort rams it home with today’s COTD winner:

Regardless of your assessment, I don’t think you should assume that Jason is assenting to ascertain how to make you happy with his writing. Your assorted assembly of assaults on his assiduous devotion to entertain us, coupled with your assassinations of the characters of his assistants and associates is, frankly, asinine. I would suggest you assimilate with the assurors and asseverate his assays. Do you understand the assignment?

It reminds me of a Seinfeld skit that still gets me every time:

Admittedly, I’ve attempted to get an ASSMAN plate in the past, but Illinois wasn’t having it. Thank you so much for those early morning laughs, have a great evening, everyone!

(Top photo: NBC)

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Wezel Boy
Wezel Boy
11 months ago

My favorite hyphenated ass word is ass-ton. That’s a lot of ass.

Mr Sarcastic
Mr Sarcastic
11 months ago

If the bulb is to small for Jasons dainty hands why not let OTTO try?

Adrian Clarke
Adrian Clarke
11 months ago
Reply to  Mr Sarcastic

I mean, what’s the point of having kids if you’re not going to put them to work?

Mr Sarcastic
Mr Sarcastic
11 months ago

I agree the occasional swear punctuates the meaning the overuse of it displays an editorial staff with little creativity. I mean what swear works better the Queen letting go a cuss or a gang of rednecks or comptonites using f@## as every other word. There are 2 sayings;
1. Tis better to be silent and thought the fool than to speak and remove all doubt.
2. It is far better to raise your point than to raise your voice.
Mercedes i cant get you an ASSMAN plate but i can go to a local car dealer and puck you up one of their KUNTZ plates? That is their name and they sell the plates.

Torque
Torque
11 months ago

Mercedes…
Re: “I’ve attempted to get an ASSMAN plate in the past, but Illinois wasn’t having it.”
Have you considered trying “A99MAN” w/the Illinois DOT?

using the most simple direct letters to numbers, “S” is the 19th letter in the English alphabet & “A” of course being “1” so while not exact, with a minimum of mental gymnastics one should be able to figure it out.

That or “A22MAN” since a “2” kind of looks like a backwards “S”, although that is simple enough that I’m sure it has been tried before & might not work if you get a dot person w/no sense of humor

Bongo Friendee Harvey Park
Bongo Friendee Harvey Park
11 months ago
Reply to  Torque

You missed the obvious A55MAN.

Bob
Bob
11 months ago

I think this is only the second time I’ve been here in the last few months because I just don’t want to hang out with and read the work of people revelling in the humor of 14 year-olds. If I could get my money back I’d take it. The photo is not funny to me, it’s disturbing. Safe journey.

https://images-stag.jazelc.com/uploads/theautopian-m2en/Screen-Shot-2023-08-07-at-11.18.52-AM.png

Ted Fort
Ted Fort
11 months ago
Reply to  Bob

Disturbing?

Theotherotter
Theotherotter
11 months ago

This seems like an ideal place to introduce you to Ass Camouflage Construction:

https://www.jstor.org/stable/40666321

AssMatt
AssMatt
11 months ago

Agreed.

IRegertNothing, Esq.
IRegertNothing, Esq.
11 months ago

“But the problem is getting that tiny-ass bulb out to replace it is absurdly difficult. So much of car repair is just jamming your hands into tight, awkward areas, and this is a prime example of that. You get to the bulb from behind, but the little lower bulb is behind part of the metal bracket that holds the light in and is an un-removable part of the body, leaving less than an inch to twist the little housing, slide the bulb out, change it, etc.”

Since this site is now officially the Asstopian, I read this as Jason found a tiny ass that required jamming his hands into a tight and awkward space which he got to from behind.

Last edited 11 months ago by IRegertNothing, Esq.
David Escargot
David Escargot
11 months ago

Anyways…. its spelt arse

Dsa Lkjh
Dsa Lkjh
11 months ago
Reply to  David Escargot

It’s arse in the UK, but we don’t pluralise “anyway”.

An ass is a donkey.

Although literally means figuratively now, and everything is a coupe so maybe all words mean anything and everything depends on context, you crumbling flapjacks.

I feel so old.

Dalton
Dalton
11 months ago
Reply to  David Escargot

It’s just the ugliest looking word in the world when spelled out. Yes, I do mean spelled btw. “Spelt” and “learnt” are equally horrific to look at.

David Klein
David Klein
11 months ago
Reply to  Dalton

Spelt is a grain. I refuse to acknowledge it as the past-tense of spell. As for learnt, well, I learned that learned is the correct past tense. So there.

Zeppelopod
Zeppelopod
11 months ago

rams it home”

Don’t think I didn’t assize what you did there, Mercedes.

Dennis Birtcher
Dennis Birtcher
11 months ago

Mercedes, you have to be sneakier to get something past our DMV. Somebody (I have the pictures to prove it) managed to get PHUH Q on their Camaro. Someone else (I didn’t want pictures for this one) got FT FETSH.

Anyone who doesn’t get the second one, consider yourself lucky.

Man With A Reliable Jeep
Man With A Reliable Jeep
11 months ago

Have they wished up to SOFKING yet?

Leighzbohns
Leighzbohns
11 months ago

fart fetish? that’s gross. 😉

Mr Sarcastic
Mr Sarcastic
11 months ago

Say you are a horticulturist (trees) and go ashman.

Freelivin2713
Freelivin2713
11 months ago

Ha ha that’s hilarious…if you can’t handle cuss words don’t read it. That’s one the best things about this site…it’s funny! I love Shitbox Showdown!!! Also, Kramer is the best

Jb996
Jb996
11 months ago
Reply to  Freelivin2713

Just to be clear for posterity since I posted the original comment… I’m not offended by “cuss words”. I just care about shitty writing. Ted Fort’s reply was well written and clever.

Hyphenating “ass” with an adjective is a stupid-ass way to write. It has no meaning, and sounds juvenile, on the same level with some valley-girl that says “like” every other word.

But whatever, I’m not offended, and not really upset. I was just providing my thoughts back to Jason and the editing team. I’ll evaluate the level of writing that I desire to read when it comes time to renew membership.

To clarify:
Removing batteries with a chainsaw = “What madness is this?! Must read…”
Removing heavy-ass batteries with a sharp-ass chainsaw = “Meh, juvenile drivel…”

David Klein
David Klein
11 months ago
Reply to  Jb996

Like always, there is an XKCD comic that applies here
https://xkcd.com/37/

Phantom Pedal Syndrome
Phantom Pedal Syndrome
11 months ago

It was a million to one shot, doc.

Dead Elvis, Inc.
Dead Elvis, Inc.
11 months ago

I can’t believe this wasn’t referenced!

That definitely wasn’t half-assed on Jason’s part. Totally full-ass, which is what I expect from & love about the Asstopian.

Wait, where am I?

David Klein
David Klein
11 months ago

Gah. Should have read more comments before I posted. I can’t believe how old that comic is now. I remember when it first published.

A. Barth
A. Barth
11 months ago

This may have been mentioned this morning; apologies for any duplication.

https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/hyphen.jpg
(SFW)

Dead Elvis, Inc.
Dead Elvis, Inc.
11 months ago
Reply to  A. Barth

Shit, you beat me by less than a minute!

Asstoundingly close 😉

A. Barth
A. Barth
11 months ago

This was no boating assident! 🙂

StillNotATony
StillNotATony
11 months ago

What was that ASS car again?

Gubbin
Gubbin
11 months ago
Reply to  StillNotATony

Chicks dig (as)scars.

Hoonicus
Hoonicus
11 months ago
Reply to  StillNotATony

Is your A.S.S. dragging ? Well get your A.S.S. down to our genuine A.S.S. service center! We will treat your A.S.S. with the care it deserves. We service all A.S.S.es, skinny tired A.S.S., fat tired A.S.S., and bald tired A.S.S.. We’ll re-tire your A.S.S. We only use genuine A.S.S. parts and lubricants. Your A.S.S. doesn’t have valves, but it does have seals. We specialize in resealing your A.S.S. Often underappreciated, are your A.S.S. wipers. We clean or replace your A.S.S. wipers before we send your pampered A.S.S. on its way. Please take advantage of our A.S.S .filling station, stocked with premium A.S.S. gas. We also have regular A.S.S. gas, but your A.S.S. will know the difference.

Man With A Reliable Jeep
Man With A Reliable Jeep
11 months ago

It was a privilege to witness, and contribute towards, the direction of that ass discussion.

10001010
10001010
11 months ago

It was definitely an ass-citing experience

Man With A Reliable Jeep
Man With A Reliable Jeep
11 months ago
Reply to  10001010

Yes, it was a very ass-picious occasion.

Mr Sarcastic
Mr Sarcastic
11 months ago

Yes all the stars show how popular ignorant vulgarity is. No stars except for the idiots writing ass and chuckling like Beavis and Butthead.

Bongo Friendee Harvey Park
Bongo Friendee Harvey Park
11 months ago
Reply to  Mr Sarcastic

Found Stewart.

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