The last time BMW put an M prefix on a wagon, things were very different. In the second half of the aughts, 1,025 E61 M5 Tourings rolled out of the gates at Dingolfing, packing fire-breathing V10 engines and daytime running lights that could pierce the very fabric of your soul. Come on, I saw the Top Gear video and I bet you did too; that M5 Touring was slithering about on a runway like a cheetah on a freshly-waxed floor. Bewitching stuff. So what if the rod bearings were made of brie and the SMG gearbox would go wrong every time Mercury entered retrograde, the E61 M5 is what dreams are made of. A decade and a bit later, things are a bit different. While the BMW M3 Touring isn’t a fire-breathing V10 monster, it promises to be even quicker than its long-roofed forerunner.
As the M3 Touring is a full-on M3, it gets two lung-sized grilles and absolutely zero cohesive lines on the entire front end. I know that banging on about the nose is beating a dead horse but come on, what’s a dead horse going to say? It’s dead and I’m the one with the Louisville Slugger. Seriously, this car should come with a pixelated face and a sensitive content warning, for its front end may actually scare pedestrians. However, there is a way to make the M3 Touring look better – simply move towards the back.
Look, there’s just something about a wagon with massive freaking fender flares. Big, haybale-sized things that protrude like the rear arches on a DTM car. Once again, I have to hand it to my man Sir-Mix-A-Lot on this one. It’s not just the flares that are brilliant, the lower rear valence looks purposeful even if it’s 95 percent bullshit, and the Gurney flap-equipped spoiler is just the right size to make a statement without coming over all brash. Finishing everything up are four cannon-sized real exhaust tips. Like houseplants and hundred dollar bills, exhaust tips are just better when they’re real. Job well done on the rear three-quarter view, I reckon.
Because the M3 Touring is very much a wagon, its Bavarian overlords wanted it to do all the practical things, all the time, very, very quickly. As such, it gets the powertrain from the M3 Competition xDrive, and that dish of word salad means joy and minor disappointment. Let’s start with the bummer – the only gearbox on offer is a conventional torque converter automatic. While the ZF 8HP eight-speed is a brilliant automatic gearbox, it feels a bit disengaged compared to the non-wagon’s manual option. However, while disengagement is bad regarding the gearbox, it’s good regarding the transfer case. Yes, the driver of an M3 Touring can press some buttons to shut the front tires up and let the rear wheels do all the talking. Rear-wheel-drive when you want it, all-wheel-drive when you need it. Fabulous.
Of course, all-wheel-drive when you need it doesn’t just apply when carving up snow, it can also help an M3 Touring driver theoretically pull a bus-length gap on a Cadillac Escalade-V. Under the hood sits BMW’s familiar S58B30 twin-turbocharged inline-six, tuned up to 503 horsepower (375 kW) and 479 lb.-ft. (650 Nm) of torque. It spits power to all four wheels on the way from a dead stop to 62 mph (100 km/h) in a quoted 3.6 seconds and 124 mph (200 km/h) in 12.9 seconds. Tick the options box for the M Driver’s Package, and this compact family car will eventually hit 174 mph (280 km/h). Proper big-league numbers.
Power is nothing without control, so the M division has been hard at work stuffing absolutely everything from an M3 sedan into a wagon shell. BMW’s been using double-jointed MacPherson strut front suspension and a five-link rear suspension design for generations now, but they adopt M-specific tuning and geometry here, along with adaptive dampers. Brakes are either iron with big fixed front calipers or carbon ceramic, while the wheel situation is a little bit crazy. See, not only are the wheels forged, they’re actually staggered diameters, 19 inches up front and 20 out back. Hey, why not?
As far as the important wagon stuff goes, the M3 Touring has that covered. Not only can the rear window open separately from the hatch for easy loading of small items, dropping the 40:20:40 rear seat gives an M3 Touring driver 53.3 cubic feet (1,510 L) of cargo space. Want to carry cargo and passengers? No worries, roof rails come standard. As for tech, BMW’s latest iDrive 8 infotainment system with a 12.3-inch digital instrument cluster and a 14.9-inch curved touchscreen makes an appearance here, while front seat occupants can choose between standard seats or optional carbon buckets. If you’ve ever been cast as the beanstalk in your school’s production of Jack and the Beanstalk, tick the box for the fabulous buckets. Those who can’t turn sideways and hide behind a cocktail stick will likely find the buckets to be like sitting on ten-gallon pail, but you never know if you don’t try.
So, pace, space, and one ugly face. The M3 Touring seems to have the lot, and deliveries officially start later this year. There’s just one problem. See, BMW just doesn’t think that America is the right market for the M3 Touring. America’s apparently gone crossover-mad, so Americans can settle for an X3 M crossover if they need to haul stuff, an X4 M crossover coupe if they’re particularly vain, or take an actual M3 sedan if they want sedan-like handling.
However, as much fun as it sounds to deep-fry a Colt 1911 and blame Taco Bell discontinuing Mexican pizza on George W. Bush, I am not, nor will likely ever be, American. I come from the land of the ice and snow. No, not that one, the one that let a white dude from Toronto have a number one reggae hit. Yes, I’m talking about Canada, a country where the best-known national dish roughly translates to “a mess.” We know all about fuddle-duddle [Editor’s Note: I had to Google this Canadian nonsense. – JT], shinny [Editor’s Note: This, too. – JT] , and ten-ply (that means soft) [Editor’s Note: I get it! Like toilet paper! – JT], and we know exactly what we want when it comes to our cars.
See, midsize cars don’t do very well in Canada. However, small cars loaded up with options do extremely well. We know damn well that cars move just one person most of the time, and when coupled to our love for heated steering wheels and driving pleasure, that sensible predisposition can create an interesting automotive landscape. See, wagons actually do alright here. Mercedes sold the outgoing C-Class wagon here in C300 and C43 form, and I’ve seen people actually driving around in them. Of equal importance, fast posh cars do very alright here. According to Automotive News Canada, only two countries bought more AMG Mercedes products in 2017 than Canada – The United States and Germany. More impressive still, if you look at how many Mercedes products sold are AMGs, Canada’s product mix topped the lot. One in four Mercedes-Benzes sold in Canada in 2017 were AMGs. One in four!
This isn’t just some weird Mercedes-Benz quirk either. In 1994, BMW Canada discovered a loophole that allowed small batches of Norwegian-market cars to be sold in Canada without having to go through a formal homologation process. In came 45 examples of the full-fat European-spec E36 M3, all of which found their way into the garages of happy buyers. That level of enthusiasm isn’t just a thing of the past – BMW Canada saw sales of M cars increase by 38 percent last year. Not a bad sales jump by any means. So, here as I stand, hand on my heart, I don’t promise to not mock the M3 Touring’s ugly front clip, but I would genuinely like to see it come to North America, even if just for the Canadian market. Automatic gearbox, beaver-toothed front end, and all.
Lead photo credit: BMW
I cracked up hard at “I know that banging on about the nose is beating a dead horse but come on, what’s a dead horse going to say? It’s dead and I’m the one with the Louisville Slugger.” Well done, Thomas, that’s the best line I’ve ever read in reference to the G8X’s Angry Sea Lamprey face.
While I appreciate the alliteration in the title, Thomas, you forgot one: fugly. I think there’s a reason (intentionally or subconsciously) that almost all pictures you dropped in here are from the rear.
I hate the beaver tooth grille as much as anybody. However, I drove the new M3 and quickly forgot about how bad the front looks because the car is simply amazing.
I don’t like how the front looks either, but I think the reason is that we’ve all seen the sedan, which looks the same everywhere but the rear third.
This. I still can’t get over how badly designed the front of these 3 series is. Obviously the grilles but also that hood line just above them or the clusterfuck of clashing lines on the lower corners of the windshield for example.
Even the back end is ruined by that god-awful rear diffuser. It just looks cheap, crappy, and tacked-on.
“Want to carry people and passengers? No worries, roof rails come standard.”
“One in four Mercedes-Benzes sold in Canada in 2017 were AMGs. One in four!”
This makes a lot more sense if you’ve ever been to Vancouver.
As a former British Columbian and current Torontonian, I can confirm that they’re absolutely everywhere. Stay long enough in the Greater Toronto Area and you can do G-Wagen bingo (G65, Maybach, 4×4 Squared, 6×6, Brabus-tuned).
You are not kidding. I’ve never seen so many BMWs and Mercedes driving around. An AMG would barely move the needle there.
and half their wagons too, supposedly
FUCK BMW for not selling the M3 wagon here 🙁
Some mfrs intentionally omit TPMS (not required in Canada) from their Canadian cars so they can’t be imported down here, but a Canadian-market BMW will still have the TPMS because BMW likes using runflat tires, which require it.
Hell yes, more wagon content. I’m never going to buy an M and frankly I don’t feel that much different about this flavor of excess than I do about the Raptors I’ve been moaning about, but I’ll forgive a lot of sins in exchange for that body style.
Yeah Americans are stupid. They will buy a V8 Dodge Magnum wagon that can kick the shit out of this computer car at 25% of the price and last past the warranty.
Buying a German car with the latest tech is really just leasing it at full sticker.
Please, BMW, make an EV variant.
This is 18 months old news, but Prior Designs is considering selling replacement bumpers to fix the beaver-tooth look: https://www.thedrive.com/news/37132/a-replacement-bumper-for-the-2021-bmw-m3-and-m4-is-already-in-the-works
Wow. Dramatic. Me like.
I just checked the BMW website in the UK (where I live) and the price is supposed to start at £83k. The configurator isn’t available for the M3 Touring yet, but I decided to build an AMG C43 wagon and an Audi RS4 Avant as a comparison. I can get the AMG for £66k and the Audi for £70k, and both look better than the BMW, although I prefer the Audi over the AMG. Yes, I could spec up the Audi to £85k or so by getting the “Vorsprung” package, but I’m sure once you’ve added the M Driver’s Package to the £83k starting price of the M3, it will be far more than the Audi. Is the M3 worth that much more than the AMG and Audi?
Meanwhile, I’m still waiting for Milano to come out with a longroof Giulia QV that I can’t afford … At least they still know how to design beautiful driving machines..
As respectful as I am of the driving dynamics of the BMW, I just can’t stand her horrid butterface..
As much as I like the rest of the car (seriously, who doesn’t like a fast wagon), once I get to the front I feel a sudden urge to projectile vomit.
I feel like BMW’s design team needs an intervention.
This is either punishment for our victory on Sept 2, 1945 or this is just a lost opportunity. Why doesn’t BMW call this a LCG SEV M3? That’s Low Center of Gravity Sport Entertainment Vehicle.
I have a 2018 Panamera 4s Sport Turismo. If BMW did bring this over, I’d definitely give it a good look for a trade. Love the Panamera, but it’s huge. Other than that, great car.
Wagons sell great in the US too. You just have to call ’em crossovers so people don’t get all weird about it.
The Subaru Outback is a wagon.
The Subaru Crosstrek is a wagon.
The Kia Niro is a wagon.
The Hyundai Kona is a wagon.
I own a 328i and I’ve owned and love wagons. But even if I won the lottery, there is no way I’d even consider this thing. The lack of a manual is bad enough, but the face is simply a deal breaker.
WTF is BMW thinking? If this is all about the Chinese market, then build a version for them and let the rest of us have something non-hideous.
If they insist on selling it with the ugly predator aftermarket front clip installed, I’m sure someone can make a front clip that DOES know what the rest of the car looks like. That is so bad it HAS TO BE malicious compliance with the big bags grill mandate. maybe our resident designer can sketch up a front clip replacement that fixes this Poutine.
This is total B.S.
One of my first posts… on that OTHER site was about how we never get the good stuff from BMW. They always give us this baloney about how we got this X3.. or some bs, and we cant have this…
WE FINALLY WANT SOMETHING GOOD… and youve stuffed our mouths with crap we didnt want in the first place.
Kind of like.. giving a child snacks to hold them over till dinner, but giving them too much cause now they cant eat dinner.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH MERCEDES!
Damn… I need a edit button.
****BMW, YOU ROTTEN HEATHENS!
Would it be possible for one to import this from Canada under the “substantially similar” clause considering that CMVSS and FMVSS are essentially identical?
Ah man, can you imagine being a kid getting to sit in the back of THAT on a road trip!?
I’ve been seeing a lot of Mercedes E-450’s running around lately so hopefully we have a new era of the Wagon coming.
Sounds like puking constantly.
Hah. When reading your comment all I can here is my then-4-year-old telling my wife and I “never drive on that dragon tail road ever again” when we finished. 🙂
HEAR. I want an edit button!
Go look up.. Mercedes Benz DR520 Wagon…..