As a whole, I don’t pay much attention to the world of performance SUVs. Sure, I’m aware of what’s out there in the segment, solely because in this profession, any new car debuts are hard to avoid. But to say I’m deeply passionate about the latest AMG-badged Mercedes crossover is, well, an overreach.
The concept of a performance SUV is an inherent compromise. Utility vehicles need mass and heavy-duty equipment to do the things people normally expect of them: Move cargo, tow things, and conquer challenging terrain. Mutating such vehicles with high-performance equipment, like stiffer springs, stickier tires, bigger brakes, and more power, usually results in a vehicle that can’t really do many SUV things, but also can’t keep up with the equivalent sports car.
I’d estimate the novelty of fast SUVs wore off nearly a decade ago. By that time, virtually every high-end manufacturer, from BMW to Land Rover to Lamborghini, had at least one sporty SUV in its lineup. And it’s only gotten worse from there. No longer an oddity, high-performance SUVs have become the norm for many carmaker portfolios.
Nissan has been an exception to this rule, at least in America. Sure, it built the few-off, GT-R-based Juke R back in 2015. It also sold the Juke Nismo RS around that time. I’d argue both of those are more tall hot hatches than proper SUVs, though. Overseas, it has the Patrol Nismo, which it has been selling since 2010. But in America, it was only this past August when Nissan finally decided to affix the Nismo badge to a proper SUV: The Armada. I recently spent nearly 3,000 miles behind the wheel to find out if it’s just as compromised as every other big SUV I’ve driven.
Two Trips In One
The driving I had planned for the Armada Nismo was, weirdly, the perfect mix for testing out the SUV’s wide range of promised capabilities. As I laid out in my previous post about this thing, I planned to drive it through the back roads of Pennsylvania and upstate New York with a couple of friends and their sports cars, before turning west to Chicago, where I’d spend my Christmas break with my girlfriend’s family.
The first leg of that plan didn’t exactly go as I expected. My friends and I were supposed to meet up at an Airbnb in Pennsylvania—me bringing the gargantuan, eight-seat Armada, them bringing a BMW M2 and a Porsche 911 Carrera 4S (three equally sporty vehicles, I know). Except, only two of us made it there. The M2 ended up getting a flat tire on the way and had to get flat-bedded back home. So only the Nismo and the Porsche remained. Still, my friend and I weren’t about to let a missing car prevent us from hitting the roads. So that’s exactly what we did.
Though it’s probably obvious to most people reading this, I have to make one thing clear: Just because Nissan added a Nismo badge and some flashy pieces of trim to the Armada does not make it handle like a Z. Sure, Nissan’s added a few things to spice up the handling, like a stiffer air suspension, stickier all-season tires, and a quicker steering rack. But at the end of the day, this is still a three-ton-plus, body-on-frame SUV that’s shaped like a building on wheels. It is not light. It is not nimble. It’s not quick on its feet, no matter how much those red accents and 22-inch forged alloy wheels try to convince you otherwise.
Suffice to say, the Armada Nismo was not able to keep up with the Porsche 911 on Pennsylvania’s finest twisties, despite the extra 35 horsepower coming from its 3.5-liter twin-turbo V6 (for a new total of 460 hp, in case you were wondering). There’s simply too much weight here, both for the engine and the brakes, to get anywhere near the performance of a proper sports car (even one that was 15 years old, as was the case with the Carrera).
My point is, when faced with a set of curvy roads, the Armada is slow. Of course, being slow doesn’t mean it was boring.
While the Armada Nismo might have trouble keeping up with a warm hatchback, I can assure you the driver will still be having a great time. There are a couple of reasons why. First is the inherent joy that comes from flinging around something so massive. It just feels wrong, which is why it’s so fun. You sit so high up, and the SUV takes up so much of the lane. Having to keep up the momentum and stay between the lines is a thrill all on its own. That’s true of most big cars, not just the Armada.
The second reason is the chassis tuning. Nissan did an excellent job with the suspension here, allowing the Nismo to stay composed under loads that the normal Armada wouldn’t normally be subjected to. It doesn’t totally fall apart when faced with a series of switchbacks, which can’t be said for many other vehicles of this size. The steering feel might be virtually nonexistent, but it’s quick enough that you don’t have to constantly make huge inputs. The whole package is good enough that you can pull off tiny powerslides out of slow corners (but not much more, since traction control can’t be totally turned off).
Again, I’m not saying the Armada is now a true back-road carver in Nismo form. In the grand scheme of performance cars, it’s still far from that. But it’s not totally out of its depth in those situations, either. If you want to have fun in it, you can. Just don’t expect to go quickly. Either way, I don’t think most owners will ever really use the SUV in this way. Which brings me to the next 2,000 miles of my test.
The Long Journey Was (Mostly) Trouble Free
After testing the (very low) lateral limits of the Armada Nismo, I traveled back to my home in New York City to pick up my girlfriend for our trip to Chicago for the Christmas holiday (this is the second time I made this trip in a month, for those keeping track). After filling a small fraction of the seemingly endless cargo space with our luggage, we hopped on I-80 and stayed there for about 12 hours.
This 850-mile stretch of mostly open highway gave me a lot of time to appreciate the Armada Nismo’s interior. There are a lot of things I like about this cabin, namely that there is no shortage of buttons. There are real buttons for most of the climate control systems, a real volume knob, real buttons for the transfer case controls, and a physical knob for the drive mode selection. I’d argue Nissan may have gone a bit too far with the buttons, seeing as how even the gear selector is in the form of four buttons (Park, Reverse, Neutral, and Drive/Manual, laid out horizontally at the bottom of the dashboard waterfall). I know it saves space on the console, but a column shifter does the same thing and feels a whole lot better to use.
I also deeply enjoyed the boy-racer upgrades inside. The seats have bright red inserts, and there’s red contrast stitching everywhere you look. There’s even a red stripe at the 12 o’clock position on the steering wheel. Because I needed to be reminded that my three-row SUV is, in fact, a racecar at heart. Silly? Yes. But also playful and fun–something most SUVs aren’t.
What I don’t very much like is the piano black trim, which houses most of the buttons on the dash and the steering wheel. Though some automakers have realized no one wants trim that can be fingerprinted and scratched beyond recognition just a week after taking delivery, it seems Nissan hasn’t received the memo. I also didn’t like it when the backup camera screen froze on the infotainment screen for around five minutes after I left a Wendy’s parking lot, something that didn’t fix itself even after a power cycle (I had to physically get out of the car, lock it, then get back in twice to get the system to reboot). It never happened again, but I’d be remiss not to note it here, as I couldn’t access the infotainment screen or Apple CarPlay for that entire time.
I sort of expected a lot of attention from onlookers when driving this car, but weirdly, I didn’t get any. The giant grille, two-tone wheels, and bright red accents make this Armada look like a tuner special straight from the back page of an obscure Japanese magazine. Yet no one seemed to care. If you’re an owner reading this, rest assured, if I see you at a gas station, I will come up to you and talk to you about your car.
Speaking of gas stations, you’ll be at them frequently. A fuel tank capacity of 23.6 gallons might sound like a lot, but even with conservative, consistent highway driving in clear, cold weather, I only managed to get around 17.5 mpg, according to the onboard computer. So my girlfriend and I were stopping frequently. As I said, this thing is a building on wheels. And moving a building through the air isn’t exactly easy, especially when it weighs as much as 2.5 Miatas.
This Is Gonna Sound Crazy, But It’s A Bargain
As tested, the Armada Nismo I had on loan carried an MSRP of $83,735. The only options were the two-tone paint ($1,450) and the Nismo-branded floor mat package, which also included a first aid kit and some cargo organization equipment ($565). That is certainly a lot of money for a Nissan, but within the very small, niche segment of performance-oriented three-row SUVs, it’s not a bad deal. Let me explain.
Toyota doesn’t sell the Land Cruiser GR Sport (or any full-size Land Cruiser, for that matter) in the United States, so the Armada Nismo has no direct competitor. But it does have a bunch of indirect competitors. The Acura MDX Type S is another sporty three-row, but it’s far less spacious inside and makes about 100 fewer horsepower. On the other end of the scale are cars like the Dodge Durango SRT Hellcat, the Cadillac Escalade V, and the BMW Alpina XB7, which are all more powerful but also much more expensive.
Of the cars mentioned above, the Nissan is probably the second most impressive on a set of twisties (the BMW is especially lovely to drive), and it’s also the second cheapest. Its powertrain isn’t nearly as interesting as either of the supercharged V8 options, but at least the Nismo can still tow 8500 pounds. Combined with the sheer amount of space inside (97 cubic feet with third and second rows folded), it’s a prime choice for track rats who need a tow car that’s just as interesting as their track car.
Is the Armada Nismo still compromised? Yes, definitely. Driving it quickly is like trying to make a Texas Longhorn tip-toe through a corn maze without its horns grazing so much as a leaf. But the silly cosmetic upgrades and legitimately pleasant chassis setup mean there’s still a bit of whimsy here—enough that when I see one on the road, I won’t immediately scoff at the buyer for picking it over a proper sport sedan or wagon.
Top graphic images: Brian Silvestro
Why do all these car companies just copy designs. This one looks like another cheap knockoff of the Defender (not that the Defender has actually any style). Right down to the little plastic piece on the front fender. And of course displayed in always lovely shiny primer gray…
Is this the new look for these monstrosities? A shorter shoebox perched on top of a bigger shoebox?
It’s also embarrassing-looking. I would not want to be caught driving something that was thusly adorned.
This is somehow still less obnoxious than the completely stock QX80, IMO.
I have an irrational dislike for that car. Maybe because they’re everywhere. In a sea of large SUVs, for some reason it’s always the QX80 or Grand Wagoneer that jump out as….what does my middle school daughter call them?
“Tryhards”
Re: the M2’s flat tire. Run flat tires are one of the worst things some automakers have ever foisted on us. On a Sunday trip we once picked up a piece of conduit in the right rear tire of my wife’s BMW X5. Without a spare and more than 50 miles from the nearest dealership (fortunately the one in our town), with the conduit still sticking out of the tire and unremovable with the pliars in the tool kit, we had to wait a couple of hours to have it flat-bedded back. Sunday trip, ruined.
I would happily return to the era of 15″ and 16″ wheels if it meant getting a full-sized spare. Even a correct diameter space-saver would be ok on some cars!
Agreed. My (’17) Accord has ’17” wheels and a matching full-size spare. I probably need to replace it as it’s been sitting in its well in the trunk for 8 years now. No sun damage, but I don’t know how much the rubber has degraded in that time from ozone etc. It was not part of the rotation strategy on the OEM tires.
The problem is that nobody ever maintains the things. When was the last time you replaced or even checked the air in your spare tires? Most are unsafe to use on the very rare occasions that you would ever need to. I haven’t had to change a tire on the side of the road in 37 years… 1989 I hit a granite curb buried in the snow and cut the sidewall of a tire.
Helps that I avoid cars with fragile wagon wheels and rubber-band tires, of course.
It’s true that many people don’t maintain spares but some of us do. Regarding rubber, the biggest enemy as you mentioned is UV – they actually do hold up pretty well in the well. When was the last time you saw a dry-rotted spare?
I used the donut on my Crosstrek about 2 years ago and I was glad to have it since the tire received a deep gash that wouldn’t have worked with any slime or patch. It was toast. And since it’s a Subaru, that meant four new tires. Woof.
Every time I look in the trunk of my Spitfire. 🙂 I check the air pressure once in a while for the three that have them, but I have never replaced one. If I had a car that had a matching full-size spare, I would use it in rotation. Have had a couple cars like that over the years.
Like I said, I have needed one once in 40+ years of driving, 37 years ago. I don’t see much point in them anymore – waste of space and added weight to haul around. I have two cars without spares and I don’t worry about it in the slightest (nor do they have runflat tires). Tires are simply much better than they used to be, and I have no interest in changing one on the side of the road in these distracted-driving times anyway.
I’ve probably used a spare about 6 times during my 26 years of driving, most recently 2 years ago.
If you stick around town lack of a spare might be slightly annoying but really no big deal.
Unfortunately, if it’s a vehicle that you use for road-tripping it’s necessary in my book. My last flat was 400 miles from home on a Saturday evening. If I hadn’t had a donut, I would’ve needed a tow but with tire shops already closed, I wouldn’t have known where to tow it (or which shop would even have my tire the next day). The donut let me get to our destination and make the decision the following morning. I’ve also had a flat in places where the closest tow truck was 2 hours away and the tow destination was 100 miles.
I drive between Florida and Maine at least once a year, sometimes twice. I don’t think twice about it. I also pay attention to what is ahead of me. <shrug> Given I don’t drive cars with rubber band tires, the chances of damaging a tire such that the inflator can’t deal with it are slim. The lower the tire profile, the greater the chances of doing real damage to it.
I agree that tires are much better these days but the cost of a donut is no more than the cost of a tow and will potentially save me much more in convenience and money. It’s fine that some people don’t want it but my experience is that it’s saved at least two vacations. Worth it for me.
I have AAA. A tow costs me nothing. My cars that don’t have spares have nowhere to even put a spare other than by taking up trunk space that is more useful for other things.
As the saying goes – you do you. I would put some thought into WHY you keep destroying tires though. It’s not normal to have that many flats.
The last flat was from a piece of metal picked up in a work zone. Flats happen to even good drivers. You’ve been lucky so no reason to point fingers.
You can make your own luck. <shrug>
Reality is most people go their entire driving career without having to change a tire on the side of the road, especially as TPMS has eliminated the biggest reason for blowouts – driving with too low tire pressure and having no idea. Catastrophic failure is just highly unusual at this point. 6X makes me think you are either *incredibly unlucky* or not paying attention.
Again Kevin with the finger pointing – no need to be so sanctimonious. I live in a city which means potholes and debris in the road.
I lived in Maine for 30 of my driving years. I know potholes and terrible roads. Still had one flat ever I had to replace on the road due to my own stupidity of driving through snow I couldn’t see a granite curb through. Don’t do that.
I call ’em as I see ’em.
Grrr! I made sure my ’22 X3 did not have runflats when I bought it, and the first thing I did was go get a jack and lug wrench on Amazon (since naturally it excluded those).
Their theory is that Slime and a compressor is all you need. And while I love Slime, my handful of flat tires (while driving) haven’t been just slow leaks — they’re full flats where the weight of the car breaks the seal on the bead.
Now think for a second how you’re going to Slime and inflate a tire that’s not sealed. Bingo.
So you have to jack it up, then Slime, then inflate. (or a roadside plug, but I treat flat tires like pit stops and I’m not planning to do any real repairs there, I’ll leave it for the shop).
I’m planning to replace my tires just a little early so I can keep the old ones as full-sized spares that I can take with me if leaving town — or at least have a friend or family member deliver to me if I’m local.
I had a can of Slime or something like it back in my motorcycling days. I got a flat front tire and used it to get back home and then take the bike to the shop to get it properly fixed. The mechanic, who was normally a very mild-mannered man, told me in no uncertain words to never do that to him again.
I’ve heard that much more about fix-a-flat, which can cause corrosion and a horrible mess. Slime is messy, but pretty benign.
But yeah, I’ve seen inside the tire after that and it’s not pretty. I always make sure to apologize profusely for having to use it, but at the same time I’m not going to DIY tire surgery on the side of the road.
All the more reason spares need to be a normal thing again. I’m shocked how much they’ve disappeared. Even in some new cars with a spare well, there’s no tire. It’s insane.
Our ’18 MDX, which replaced the X5 after that misadventure (and its self-leveling airbag suspension system self-lowering itself in as little as an hour and sometimes going a couple of weeks without doing that and the warranty expiring) had a full-size spare well and at least a space-saver spare and a jack and lug wrench. I bought a suitable wheel at a wrecking yard, had a full-size tire put on it and swapped it out for the space-saver.
Ironically, we never had a flat on the MDX. I got three in six weeks on the BMW.
We divorced and shortly thereafter, along with trading me in, she traded the MDX with maybe 60K miles on it for a Lincoln Aviator and a hefty monthly payment. And remarried some guy with over $100K of debt and twin teens within 7 months. I hope it all works out for her. But I don’t think it will.
And you’re right. It was Fix-A-Flat.
Any highway patrol cop or trucker will tell you that treating a roadside flat like a pit stop is a good idea, you don’t want to spend any more time on the shoulder than absolutely necessary.
I had a flat on my trailer a couple of years ago and I would wait for a gap in traffic, run out and jack it up or zip off lug nuts or whatever, then run back off the side of the road until there was another gap. It also made me appreciate the importance of changing lanes when someone’s stopped on the side of the road. It is no fun at all when someone zooms by right behind you at 75.
M2s do not have run-flats. They come with conventional high-performance tires and a goo-injecting inflator pump.
I agree though, I ditched the run-flats on both my BMWs. I haven’t had to change a tire on the road in 37 years. I had one flat tire on my 1-series at the airport after being away for a week, filled it with the inflator (didn’t even need the goo) and drove it the hour home without it even losing enough air to set off the TPMS. Got the tire plugged the next day. I simply don’t worry about flats. Worst case, that is why God invented AAA.
On my 504, I got a flat, changed it on the side of the road and the spare was so old, that it blew out even more catastrophically than what was originally on that corner of the car. I had AAA back then. Thank God, indeed! Maybe it’s time for me to re-enroll.
I’m not sure it’s really worth it anymore, but when I have needed it, I have needed it. One big one being after I had the water pump and timing belt replaced on my 505 SW8, the brand-new waterpump sheered it’s shaft and launched the fan through the radiator. I had the work done at a specialist in Vermont, and AAA towed the car there from Maine. That would have been $$$. had a Volvo towed home from MA after it caught fire too. I should have let it burn to the ground.
That’s my thing with spare tires – by the time you need one, it is any good? I remember to check the pressure in mine every now and again, but the ones in my two cars that have them are as old as the cars – which means 52 in the case of the Spitfire! It holds air, but I don’t think I would actually put it on the car. I’ll just have the thing flatbedded home.
Well, the maps were nice, back in the day.
Remember when reading (and figuring out how to refold) a map and making your way hundreds of miles in a day was a skill? I’ve driven with friends who can’t even handle “when do I turn?” looking at Waze or Google Maps on my phone. I remember an early Garmin GPS having me exit the freeway late at night North of Kansas City and then immediately have me get back on the same freeway. I was pretty annoyed.
It turns out it’s probably me. I like to use both aps with the map oriented North up. They just want to see what’s on the horizon in whatever direction we’re headed. My brain just doesn’t work that way. I think my brain wants to put together an organic sense of the lay of the land.
Maybe that’s just from years of using paper road maps and aviation charts. When I am navigating for someone else, I am calling out distances to where we turn and which direction. I have been complimented multiple times for how easy I make things for them. (But I could never be a WRC navigator. You’re calling out directions while they are driving a car at 110% +! of what they should be, or at least I would be, on whatever surface.)
Maybe that’s a subject for an Autopian deep dive. In car navigation. Between the random ideas I think might be interesting and proofreading, I think they should hire me part time. LOL
And Garmin has become a very interesting company in the aviation sector these days. I totally underestimated them back in the aughts. Bravo to them!
Indeed! A skill I am glad to have. But I have to admit I don’t miss dealing with paper maps much. Though they are definitely better if you don’t have a destination in mind. The one thing I like about the Nav system in my Mercedes vs. just using my phone is the ability to zoom out and get the “big picture” like you can on a paper map more easily that with Googlemaps
I found Waze wants to do that “get off and get on” thing ALL THE TIME around here, to the point I can’t be bothered with it now that GoogleMaps has cop alerts too.
I don’t speed to the point where I ordinarily don’t get the cops’ attention. 5 over is kind of my deal. I do think Waze’s algorithm is too focused on getting there like 30 seconds faster rather than how annoying is this drive going to be.
In places I’m familiar with, I will reject a wild, round about route and turn it off and deal with the consequences.
I mostly “go with the flow”, but the flow here can be pretty rapid. I’d just as soon know what’s coming, so I usually have it going whether I need to navigate or not. Though between here and Ft. Myers is kind of the FSP happy hunting grounds. From here to Sarasota the other direction I might see a cop a year. Baffling.
I have made many trips back and forth between Tacoma and Davis this summer and sometimes I see a surprising number of CHP cars in the medians they use to hang out and other times zero. No rhyme or reason. Most of the Waze alerts are obsolete when I get to them. But I don’t want to take my eyes off the road to tap the “Not there” button or whatever it is. That only happens when I have a passenger/co-pilot.
They are generally pretty accurate here. I don’t generally respond either, but I will put one in if I see one with no alert.
The Nismo Armada for when you just can’t bring yourself to driving the Hellcat Caravan because, well, it’s a minivan.
Geez… I thought the grille on the Lexus 350, 460, etc. was hideous… we have a new entrant. I can’t figure to which demo this fridge is targeted.
I love a ridiculous vehicle, but I just can’t get over how tacky looking the “Nismo” treatment is here. If, say, BMW sold a house sized SUV, they’d know how to “M” that giant house properly to where it looks the business. This Datsun just looks hideous.
Given BMW’s current design language, I’m gonna cast some SERIOUS doubt on that claim.
I know looks are subjective but this thing is the most not-for-me vehicle I’ve seen on here for a while. I’d take the Wright Flyer before this.
That thing is absurdly large. Thanks for the miata for scale picture.
Brian, did you even TRY wearing a helmet while driving it in anger?
no 🙂
I’ll give a thumbs up to those seats and a thumbs down to that grille.
A colleage bought one. It looked nice. But no way in hell worth the price. Personally, I would rather drive my daughter’s Cube. The Cube has peronality and surprising versatility. Nissan should revive it. This truck . . . it can go away.
Also, am I imagining things, or am I seeing an increasing amount of overlap between this site and TheDrive.com, including a review of this truck?
And when do I get my “Non-Member” badge by my name?
“if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all”
That’s why no one came up at the gas stations.
in that photo, am i crazy to think that’s an atlas cross, vw’s second-largest suv?
you are not crazy, you are correct
i appreciate that confirmation!
Huh you’re so right, I saw Atlas on the back and just assumed. Appreciate that catch
I honestly have no idea who this is for, but I have to give Nissan credit for building something this fundamentally silly in their current situation. They really should have Nismo’d the Versa while they had the chance, though.
Am I incorrect in thinking you merely need the “base” X7, with that B58, to go faster than this car (as opposed to the much faster Alpina X7??
Now, I do understand this car is a different kind of brawn compared to the BMW, and that IN YOUR FACE quality does capture the vibes of our times.
The base X7 is also $4,000 more expensive than this car!
It looks ridiculous, glad you had fun though! I appreciate these (kinda) normal car reviews.
Same money gets you a 6.2L Yukon Denali. Which maybe doesn’t handle as well, but it does everything else better than an Armada.
Yukon (or Suburban/Tahoe) is always the answer in this segment if you ask me.
These will probably have $10k on the hood shortly. The “Platinum Reserve” does on some local listings. The Yukon Denali still seems to be resistant to large discounts at this point.
Till the engine decides to go bye-bye. I still see a lot of posts on social media about the 6.2 engine blowing up at low mileage. GM hasnt issued a proper fix, the recall is out there but imagine paying that much and not having a car for months.
Saw one of these plowing through the snow in Calgary last month and it put a smile on my face. I prefer faux sporty over faux macho and this thing delivers. Plus, all the right angles give me XB vibes!
You think you hate it now, wait ’til you drive it.
You see, the problem here is that they didn’t put quite enough red on it. Just a little bit more somewhere, maybe the carpets, and that 911 would have been yours. Stitching the Nismo logo onto only the front headrests also cost a few mph in the quarter.
Get your shit together Nissan, you were 95% of the way there and then dropped the ball.
Every surface that doesn’t say “Nismo” is just wasted real estate.
A couple of other tarted up 3-row behemoths that this could compare to: the Ford Expedition w/ Stealth Performance pkg (basically the Raptor Ecoboost engine + some suspension/brake upgrades) and the Audi SQ7.
The SQ7 is my favorite in this space because they depreciate like Audis, and it’s a detuned version of the Urus engine that can easily be tuned back up to 700+ hp. Got to get to the carpool line on time!
I came here to say the same thing about the Ford Expedition. Either the Platinum Ultimate or Stealth Performance packages get the 440hp Ecoboost V6 and big wheels, though perhaps not the pseudo-sporty look. The price of the Stealth Performance package puts it close in price to the NISMO Armada too.
Sshhhh, you’re only encouraging them
As much shade as I way throw the Armada it is, at least, a decade-and-a-half newer than the Durango. No matter how many cats you send to Hades, that Durango is still ancient – and heavily used/abused as part of American fleets (in both V6 and V8 guise).
No need to throw shade at it, it casts a big enough shadow as it is.
I’m guessing the Armada’s tailights won’t partially fail like the Durango’s as well.
I like to guess which part of the “racetrack” LED tailights will be burned out whenever I see a Durango.
Coming to the parking lot of a Kingdom Hall near you!
Off-fleet/lease, and poorly maintained, to a parkinglot near you.
Ah! She’s built like a steakhouse but handles like a Bistro!
A futurama quote is always welcome.